Care Giver BOT new

jim and i
jim and i Member Posts: 1,788 Member
in Head and Neck Cancer #1
Hello, I am new to CSN and have spent all day on this site. My husband has been diagnosed with base of tongue cancer. I think you all use BOT for short. My question is. "Any caretakers out there who suffer from depression? I have suffered for years and take meds. Part of the cause is being the family carefamily taker since a small child.

For the last ten years I have had soul reponsibility for the family income since my husbands retirement in 2000. He has always been the strong one who patiently let me cry and have breakdowns, yet still loved me. Now I can't work and care for him and I am overwhelmed with the responsibility of keeping his spirits up as well as my own. I don't feel I can do this! I also feel that I must stay positive for our children's sake. I know all this stuffing of emotions is bad for me but can't help it.

We are living on $1000 per month plus a few thousand (less than 5) savings so hiring a counselor is out. I am hoping to meet others on this site to talk to and vent and maybe get info on a free support group in my area (East Central Florida, Deltona area).

I had planned on retiring January 2012 at age 62 so my husband who is 15 years older and I could spend beach and fishing time together. We have worked toward this for six years and now I am grieving the loss of that time together.

My mother has never understood why I take meds for depression and my husband doesn't believe in them for hisself but they are good for me. he thinks. If or when he goes through depression himself he won't talk to anyone or take meds. How will I cope with that?

I have rambled but I needed to talk. Even if no one responds.

Debbie

Comments

  • stevenl
    stevenl Member Posts: 587
    #2
    Ramble
    It is very O.K. to ramble here. That is what this site is for. I never thought I would need any help in the area of depression. But coming through treatment I was depressed and needed help in this area. I now take medication for depression and it seems if I don't I get to be real hard to get along with. I had tonsil cancer which is different from what you are going through but treatment and recovery are quite similar. Please come back and ramble anytime you want, because we are all here to help. There are a lot of people here that have been through what you are going through. And welcome to the site.

    Best,
    Steve
  • Goalie
    Goalie Member Posts: 184
    #3
    Go on to the other side
    There is a list for Caretakers and it is a marvelous place with both lots of sympathy and also with practical advice from people who are right where you are. It has been a lifesaving refuge - or sanity-saving refuge - for my wife who took on this awesome responsibility while still raising the kids and working, though at its worst when I needed it 24/7 she just plain took off for work.

    Anyway, you are welcome both here and there and let us know how it is going. Doug
  • Hondo
    Hondo Member Posts: 6,636 Member
    #4
    Hi Debbie

    Sorry to hear that you are having so many problems all at the same time, that many be one reason for the feelings of depression. Just want to let you know you are not alone I too have some very bad times when I get so depressed and for some unknown reason I just start crying. My wife will just hold me as she knows there is nothing more she can do until the feeling passes and I come out of it. One thing I do when depressed is to Pray and ask Jesus to be with me in this Valley I am in because it is so dark I can’t see my way out of it. Right now I am not on any medications for it as I try to stay away for taking too many drugs. But this is what I have learned in my life dealing with Cancer; if you need any type of medications to stay focus take them. A lot of things changes in the life of a Cancer survivor and one thing we want to make sure of is that we stay a survivor.

    Take care and wishing you all the best
    Hondo
  • Skiffin16
    Skiffin16 Member Posts: 8,305 Member
    #5
    Welcome Debbie
    As all have mentioned, depression is going to happen in one form or another, it's just part of the process.

    As for you and your husbands retirement future, keep on planning...it's gonna happen. Maybe not quite the way you had envisioned, but who knows, it might even be better. Sometimes these things tend to bring you closer together and with family.

    I live in Central Florida as well, only closer to the other coast, Lakeland for me....

    There are quite a few of us here in Florida....

    Welcome to the family, lot's of great people here.....

    Most facilities provide support groups, check out what's available near you, or maybe someone on the forum in your area can direct you.

    I added you to our Google map and you can see who of us are near you.

    Where in the World Are You


    Best,
    John
  • jim and i
    jim and i Member Posts: 1,788 Member
    #6
    Skiffin16 said:

    Welcome Debbie
    As all have mentioned, depression is going to happen in one form or another, it's just part of the process.

    As for you and your husbands retirement future, keep on planning...it's gonna happen. Maybe not quite the way you had envisioned, but who knows, it might even be better. Sometimes these things tend to bring you closer together and with family.

    I live in Central Florida as well, only closer to the other coast, Lakeland for me....

    There are quite a few of us here in Florida....

    Welcome to the family, lot's of great people here.....

    Most facilities provide support groups, check out what's available near you, or maybe someone on the forum in your area can direct you.

    I added you to our Google map and you can see who of us are near you.

    Where in the World Are You


    Best,
    John

    thanks everyone
    Thanks everyone for the support. I have good and bad days. We go to Jacksonville this weekend to move our furniture. No more camping in the house! I tthink that will help with the depression and/or add to the stress as I unpack. Treatment starts June 14th so maybe I will have time to get somewhat organized by then.

    I keep praying, that is what gets me through the dark times.

    Grace and Peace to you.
    Debbie
  • jim and i
    jim and i Member Posts: 1,788 Member
    #7
    Goalie said:

    Go on to the other side
    There is a list for Caretakers and it is a marvelous place with both lots of sympathy and also with practical advice from people who are right where you are. It has been a lifesaving refuge - or sanity-saving refuge - for my wife who took on this awesome responsibility while still raising the kids and working, though at its worst when I needed it 24/7 she just plain took off for work.

    Anyway, you are welcome both here and there and let us know how it is going. Doug

    Where is the other side?
    Doug,

    Where is the other side? I tried to find a caretakers Discussion Board but only found one where the loved one died and I did not want to go there. Need positive support.

    Hanging in. Debbie
  • jim and i
    jim and i Member Posts: 1,788 Member
    #8
    Hondo said:

    Hi Debbie

    Sorry to hear that you are having so many problems all at the same time, that many be one reason for the feelings of depression. Just want to let you know you are not alone I too have some very bad times when I get so depressed and for some unknown reason I just start crying. My wife will just hold me as she knows there is nothing more she can do until the feeling passes and I come out of it. One thing I do when depressed is to Pray and ask Jesus to be with me in this Valley I am in because it is so dark I can’t see my way out of it. Right now I am not on any medications for it as I try to stay away for taking too many drugs. But this is what I have learned in my life dealing with Cancer; if you need any type of medications to stay focus take them. A lot of things changes in the life of a Cancer survivor and one thing we want to make sure of is that we stay a survivor.

    Take care and wishing you all the best
    Hondo

    Thanks Hondo
    Thanks Hondo. I usually spend a lot of time in the morning praying, reading Scripture, etc. But lately I have been unable to focus, my mind goes wandering. Thanks for the reminder to just give it to Jesus. I believe he sent me to this sight so I could connect with good supportive people.

    God bless. Debbie
  • sweetblood22
    sweetblood22 Member Posts: 3,228
    #9
    jim and i said:

    Where is the other side?
    Doug,

    Where is the other side? I tried to find a caretakers Discussion Board but only found one where the loved one died and I did not want to go there. Need positive support.

    Hanging in. Debbie

    Hi Debbie. I think it was a
    Hi Debbie. I think it was a typo, and maybe he meant Caregiver's Site. That can be found here:


    CAREGIVER DISCUSSION BOARD


    I am very sorry that you are going through all this. I'm sure it's very difficult for you. I am glad that you are there for your husband though. I am single and at the time of my treatment I had just gotten divorced and although I did have transportation back and forth to the hospital every day, I had to do all my tube feedings, medications, and hygiene and trying to do laundry and other stuff on my own. I was very ill and it was so hard for me. Many times I needed help and had none, and I was not even able to get out of bed by myself, so I just layed there. He is lucky to have you by his side.

    I have had my own struggles with clinical depression and anxiety. I know how terrible that can be. Do you belong to a place of worship? I was able to talk to my clergyperson when I was going through my divorce. He met with me many times to counsel me and it was a great help. It also didn't cost anything.

    Sometimes there are centers that offer counseling on a sliding scale, they go by income and you may not have to pay. There are cancer support groups, too. I would think they would be ok with a care giver coming and even if your husband would not want to go.

    Also, don't rule out the caregivers board. Sometimes also being there to support others helps lift us in spirit and gives us faith and strength and courage to face what troubles we have, when we see other's struggles and support them through theirs.

    You can come here to vent too. I'm sure when you have questions you will find answers here as well.
  • jim and i
    jim and i Member Posts: 1,788 Member
    #10
    sweetblood22 said:

    Hi Debbie. I think it was a
    Hi Debbie. I think it was a typo, and maybe he meant Caregiver's Site. That can be found here:


    CAREGIVER DISCUSSION BOARD


    I am very sorry that you are going through all this. I'm sure it's very difficult for you. I am glad that you are there for your husband though. I am single and at the time of my treatment I had just gotten divorced and although I did have transportation back and forth to the hospital every day, I had to do all my tube feedings, medications, and hygiene and trying to do laundry and other stuff on my own. I was very ill and it was so hard for me. Many times I needed help and had none, and I was not even able to get out of bed by myself, so I just layed there. He is lucky to have you by his side.

    I have had my own struggles with clinical depression and anxiety. I know how terrible that can be. Do you belong to a place of worship? I was able to talk to my clergyperson when I was going through my divorce. He met with me many times to counsel me and it was a great help. It also didn't cost anything.

    Sometimes there are centers that offer counseling on a sliding scale, they go by income and you may not have to pay. There are cancer support groups, too. I would think they would be ok with a care giver coming and even if your husband would not want to go.

    Also, don't rule out the caregivers board. Sometimes also being there to support others helps lift us in spirit and gives us faith and strength and courage to face what troubles we have, when we see other's struggles and support them through theirs.

    You can come here to vent too. I'm sure when you have questions you will find answers here as well.

    A clergy person
    A clergyperson is a great suggestion however I am the clergyperson. (By the way thanks for the non gender specific). The people in my congregation have been supportive in their prayers but we have had to move to our retirement home in order to be close to the treatment center. We will be attending a church in our new town and hopefully I can talk to that clergyperson.

    Thanks for all your help. I have read a lot of your post and I love your great sense of humor.
  • sweetblood22
    sweetblood22 Member Posts: 3,228
    #11
    jim and i said:

    A clergy person
    A clergyperson is a great suggestion however I am the clergyperson. (By the way thanks for the non gender specific). The people in my congregation have been supportive in their prayers but we have had to move to our retirement home in order to be close to the treatment center. We will be attending a church in our new town and hopefully I can talk to that clergyperson.

    Thanks for all your help. I have read a lot of your post and I love your great sense of humor.

    Clergyperson
    Thank you, and you're welcome. I am Episcopalian and we have men and women priests so, I guess I am just used to saying that. I am glad the people of your congregation have been supportive. Hope the church in the new town works out for you.

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