Un-wanted Attention - How to handle?

LoveBabyJesus · April 2011

Good morning my sisters --

I hope you're ALL doing well. Today I go in for my third treatment.

I wanted to write about an important topic. I think some - if not most - of you have gone through.

When I was diagnosed, I only told a few people. I didn't want everyone to know. Wanted to keep it quiet so that I can save all my energy on dealing with the situation. What really bothered me about others knowing was their lack of education about the illness and the possible negative energy they would give me. For example, many people think once you have cancer, it's the end of you. I don't believe so. And I do not accept that in my heart at all - in the name of Jesus. We all get second chances in life. There are miracles. And faith is bigger than anything else out there. Unfortunately, many people have no faith.

I am starting to get calls from people I do not want to talk to. They now know what's going on with me. Even my ex knows! No one talks to my ex - that I know of. Plus we ended it in bad terms. Now he wants to see me. I can't handle this at all. I don't want to. I can't have my energy invested on things that aren't important at the moment. What makes this hard is that I know they mean well. I don't want to be rude either. But how can you control the attention? The feeling "sorry" attention? I want to be left alone - or at least with those people who I want to be supported by. This is how I like to handle this situation.

People talk. They always will. We can't control that.

This experience has also enlighten me. I feel new.I want changes in my life. I want to leave things behind me for good. I want to be born again. I see things differently now. So for once I would like to take care of myself, and not worry about what others think.

Ok, I am done. Thanks for reading my post. Replies are welcomed.

Blessings for you All.

csr771 · April 2011

Big Sigh
You're correct, BC does get a lot of attention. I approached it in a different way--I told eveyone and been very open about the BC! I talked about the cancer. I asked women to have mammograms. You know it's funny, although there were some that thought the cancer DX was a death sentence for me, I never did. My breast surgeon said that I could do nothing about my diagnosis (invasive ductal carcinoma and ductal carcinoma in situ) however, I would be pretty sick in about 10 years. Of course, I decided to do something. I think that attitude plays a large part in this whole thing. You have to realize that while people mean well, they don't always know what to say, do, or think. They do not know the turmoil that dwells within us as we have to battle the beast named cancer. To keep your sanity, you are going to have to find inner peace so that you can do what you have to do. Read Phillipians 4:7. The only person that you have control over is you and sometimes in this fight it feels like we don't even have that. You know where your help and strength comes from! Be encouraged.

LoveBabyJesus · April 2011

csr771 said:
Big Sigh
You're correct, BC does get a lot of attention. I approached it in a different way--I told eveyone and been very open about the BC! I talked about the cancer. I asked women to have mammograms. You know it's funny, although there were some that thought the cancer DX was a death sentence for me, I never did. My breast surgeon said that I could do nothing about my diagnosis (invasive ductal carcinoma and ductal carcinoma in situ) however, I would be pretty sick in about 10 years. Of course, I decided to do something. I think that attitude plays a large part in this whole thing. You have to realize that while people mean well, they don't always know what to say, do, or think. They do not know the turmoil that dwells within us as we have to battle the beast named cancer. To keep your sanity, you are going to have to find inner peace so that you can do what you have to do. Read Phillipians 4:7. The only person that you have control over is you and sometimes in this fight it feels like we don't even have that. You know where your help and strength comes from! Be encouraged.

Thanks for your response.
I
Thanks for your response.

I get my strength from God. If it wasn't for him, it would be messy....

We have the same diagnosis. I don't mean to focus on this, but I wanted clarification about your 10 year prognosis. What did you mean? I hope you are OK.

LVG · April 2011

I agree...
with the above post. I too, decided to be very open about this and I don't regret it. My Hubby and I work in a pretty large facility and I thought if I start slowing down 'looking' sick.. there will be many questions and speculations. So, I decided to 'tell it'. Still, of course - many shake their heads, like it's the last time they'll see me ;-). I've had to encourage a few a long the way. Because I never took this as a death sentence. I plan to sit up straight, listen to the doctors and fight.

Many wanted to call and a couple did 'start' calling. However, I very politely let them know that I would be fine. I will text / email a few updates everynow and again - however, rest is extremely important to me right now and I'd need to ask them to respect that for me. I let them know that sometimes I fall asleep in the middle of the day, etc. and that phone calls interrupt the much needed rest. If they are thinking of me - drop me an email and if I can, I'll respond.

Your Faith is exactly what you need continuous tap into keep you on top of all your upcoming appointments, treatments, information, etc. This is great. Take your mind off of thinking about what others might be thinking - wanting. Screen your phone calls - if it's someone you don't want to talk to... please, don't answer it. If you have Verizon Wireless, you can go online to block unwanted calls. Your Health is way more important than an unwanted phone call. You need peace and understanding right now.

Bless you during this time.

LoveBabyJesus · April 2011

Thanks LVG for your
Thanks LVG for your response.

I will eventually tell people about this. It's just that during treatment and recovery, I would much rather be quiet because I have already felt weird about some attention. And it brings me down a lot. I just turned 33 so I am trying to cope with the fact that I need to be strong for myself, and fight this. I am getting some support - family and friends. I feel in my comfort zone with them.

I agree awareness is important.

LVG · April 2011

LoveBabyJesus said:
Thanks LVG for your
Thanks LVG for your response.

I will eventually tell people about this. It's just that during treatment and recovery, I would much rather be quiet because I have already felt weird about some attention. And it brings me down a lot. I just turned 33 so I am trying to cope with the fact that I need to be strong for myself, and fight this. I am getting some support - family and friends. I feel in my comfort zone with them.

I agree awareness is important.

Remember, you never have to tell anyone else. You have to do what feelsmuch better for you. That's a must - especially if you already feeling weird about some of the attention you are receiving. You need peace (as much as you can). And I'm glad you have support from some family and friends. Don't worry much about trying to be so strong. This is the time for you to ask those you trust for help WHENEVER you feel you need it. Many don't have a clue of how / what to say or do. So, what I did with my sisters and my brother - is send them a text / email to keep them on track with my appointments and updates and if I needed something different to eat; something different from the store - if I felt worried or overwhelmed or anything I wanted to share with them. Yes, try to cope - but don't overdo it, trying to be strong. Your Faith will of course give you strength, but if you aren't feeling well, or are afraid - you so have that right. This is a lot of information to take in and to deal with. I didn't and still understand a lot of stuff. However, many on this site have loads of good information and aren't afraid to share. I've read many of their "About Me" pages - which are loaded with extremely good info as well.

Bless you and good luck.

skipper54 · April 2011

LoveBabyJesus said:
Thanks LVG for your
Thanks LVG for your response.

I will eventually tell people about this. It's just that during treatment and recovery, I would much rather be quiet because I have already felt weird about some attention. And it brings me down a lot. I just turned 33 so I am trying to cope with the fact that I need to be strong for myself, and fight this. I am getting some support - family and friends. I feel in my comfort zone with them.

I agree awareness is important.

Took the high road
I, too, took the road of telling everyone and asking for prayers. Also said I was going into this with the knowledge that I would win and was focusing on that. I started a Caring Bridge website and gave everyone the address with the info that they could keep up with me there because I wouldn't have time to call everyone or the energy to talk to everyone. I knew I was wrapped in prayers and got emails from lots of folks as well as post in the guest book on the website. It worked for me - I didn't get all kinds of calls and everyone was on board for the win. I also tried to still get out to as many things as I could even if I was tired, just so people could see me and know I was fighting. Prognosis? When I asked my onc about keeping the organ donor symbol on my driver's license he told me we'd talk about it in 10 years. I'm holding him to that!

joannstar · April 2011

I also told everyone--
and when I started going without my wig/scarves, other women would come up to me and ask (most had or were battling the beast themselves). I wanted to educate people so that they might learn from my experience that it is survivable and that chemo is doable.

I've rarely gotten a negative comment, other than a fairly stupid radiology tech and one of my co-workers, but I just try to ignore those.

Good luck to you,
JoAnn

butterflylvr · April 2011

LVG said:
Remember, you never have to tell anyone else. You have to do what feelsmuch better for you. That's a must - especially if you already feeling weird about some of the attention you are receiving. You need peace (as much as you can). And I'm glad you have support from some family and friends. Don't worry much about trying to be so strong. This is the time for you to ask those you trust for help WHENEVER you feel you need it. Many don't have a clue of how / what to say or do. So, what I did with my sisters and my brother - is send them a text / email to keep them on track with my appointments and updates and if I needed something different to eat; something different from the store - if I felt worried or overwhelmed or anything I wanted to share with them. Yes, try to cope - but don't overdo it, trying to be strong. Your Faith will of course give you strength, but if you aren't feeling well, or are afraid - you so have that right. This is a lot of information to take in and to deal with. I didn't and still understand a lot of stuff. However, many on this site have loads of good information and aren't afraid to share. I've read many of their "About Me" pages - which are loaded with extremely good info as well.

Bless you and good luck.

I followed the same path
I followed the same path that the other girls did. I let everyone know and didn't keep it a secret. I knew I'd be having to work through my treatments so the best way for me to face people was to be up front. When I lost my hair, I didn't resort to wigs to hide my illness. I wore scarves and hats. When I needed my mastectomy I confided in everyone about my upcoming surgery. The reason I did all this was to handle all those questions upfront so when it did happen, everyone was informed and I didn't feel like an outcast.

This process was a benefit twofold, one it got my message across that BC is not a death sentence and I am very much alive and vibrant. And two it's allowed others to learn from my experience and brought us all closer together. The people that have reached out to me that I never knew would do that is rewarding in itself. I've had two people shave their heads here at work when I lost my hair and while out shopping the smiles from total strangers puts a smile on your face.

I guess my whole rambling is about, even though at the moment it's unwanted attention you just never know when someone who you thought didn't know reaches out to you when you need it the most. Through my experience you wouldn't believe all the people who have reached out to me with comfort letting me know that they survived or knew of someone who has survived breast cancer and they are living life to the fullest many, many years later.

God Bless and good Luck to you..
Lorrie

lizzie17 · April 2011

I really didn't want people to know
Even now, almost 3 years after my mastectomy, I rather not discuss it with those who are not my immediate family or best friends, especially at work. I know people mean well, but sometimes it is difficult for them to convey that message. At times, I wonder if their concern is really just curiosity. Maybe it's me.

I know we all deal with this differently.

BUT...for complete strangers I say--- get your mammogram!!! And tell them mine was found on my annual mammo. If it comes up in brief conversations, I smile, and try to say something in an uplifting way.

Lynn Smith · April 2011

lizzie17 said:
I really didn't want people to know
Even now, almost 3 years after my mastectomy, I rather not discuss it with those who are not my immediate family or best friends, especially at work. I know people mean well, but sometimes it is difficult for them to convey that message. At times, I wonder if their concern is really just curiosity. Maybe it's me.

I know we all deal with this differently.

BUT...for complete strangers I say--- get your mammogram!!! And tell them mine was found on my annual mammo. If it comes up in brief conversations, I smile, and try to say something in an uplifting way.

How I feel
I feel the same way.Some I really never wanted to know but they found out.I was doing community work.Gave it up to my volunteer.Well she calls all other organizers of this type of service and of course me quitting they probably thought I was not well at all.So a couple called me after not talking to them in 9 years.And I didn't want to talk to them.They came up with another excuse.Wuld you belief I never said I have breast cancer.I just told them how relieved I am to finally be able to find a new organizer.Left it at that.

Another thing I live near a small town.I don't want some people to know. I have a pink ribbon sticker for my car"Early detection saves lives".I will not display it in the small town I live in.Like you said they all think it is the end.So it goes in my trunk and with long trips I put it on my car.

Oh and the third thing.When I was diagnosed I wasn't able to help plan my class reunion like I did years before.I needed to know what my treatment was.it was a good report.No chemo or radiation.So I started planning it towards the end.My X boyfriend didnt send back his paperwork.He always comes to the reunions but I also have Thought I was going and fizzled out.So another classmate calls him to see if he was coming.OH now he is.I know she told him about my dx.He comes and asked me How I've been.Just fine.He said are you sure? I said yes.He looked at my husband then looked at me.Put his arms around me for just a minute.He knew.In our younger years my husband would have fought him but it was the reason he hugged me it was let go.We dated for 3 years in school.We had a bad break up.I went to another town and met people.He eventually got married and that was the end.I know he cares about what would happen to me and for that matter any other classmate.Every reunion we have we worry about not seeing someone for the next 5 years.We all talk about.So before I left the reunion I told people I would see them in 5 years.We are older but still we all want to live many many years.When we are diagnosed we aren't sure.Life is uncertain. There are some people I accept care but many others NOT.

Now I am so bothered I am redoing my house and wanting to move out of this small town area.Just because of this obvious reason.People are nosey and think your days are numbered.I want to go where no one knows.I've learned my lesson.Keep quiet about it.

I can't believe that there are others like me.I had tests done a few months ago and told no one in this small town.Results were good but decided NONE of their business.Even if it is good they won't know.I keep to myself.

Just a last note.I know your X and you have bad fibes but go ahead.Meet him and I think you will feel better.I think if he wasn't worried he would let it go.He's seems worried.Anyone would be. No matter how bad it was he might just be there for you from now on. Forgive but don't forget.I've had to do that so MUCH in my life. So much I could write a book about Forgiving.

Lynn Smith

24242 · April 2011

You can try to control
One thing I know about human beings is we all need someone and that even means people who know us and have to deal with their own fealings and often fears along with maybe their own mortality. Some things never change with some people and yes they still demand/expect things from us and they will never change...
I had an ex who did nothing for me or my son and I was still close to his mother and family at the time I was diagnosed. I had hoped the family would keep it from him as I wished but that was tall order to ask of them. I just wanted him to actually come around because he wanted to not because of his guilt. We have a son together he cared little about or was just unable to for whatever the reason. My son now at 30 makes it clears he doesn't care where he is or what he is doing for he truly isn't much of a father. That will be my ex's cross to carry not mine and I am glad I always talked well of the man though I didn't want to at times.
Life has an amazing way of showing us where to go from here and it is up to see and hear the wind of change around us...
Tara

disneyfan2008 · April 2011

so sorry going through this
I think I had the opposite..no one really talked about or mentioned it to me > Cancer
My niece just asked me (she is 16 yrs) few weeks back..DID YOU have Cancer? I said yes JUST 3 yrs ago...she said OH I was wondering..no one really talked about it or mentioned it!

I understand how attention can be exhausting! YOU are right, you can't control what others say or think..that is for sure..

ONE thing I have mentioned here more then once is: Journals...

Denise

camul · April 2011

As this journey continues, I
As this journey continues, I am learning that most people really do care and sometimes do not know what to say or really do want to know what I am going through. I have been open with most people. With those that I really don't care to discuss my life with, I have learned that I can be gracious and thank them for caring and either change the subject or say, in a very nice way, that I am not up to discussing my cancer right now. That I came here to forget about the cancer (if I am in public). I think they get it and I am not hurting feelings.

Sometimes I will admit certain people annoy me to no end (I am human), and I would like to stuff a sock in their mouths. Some are shocked at how I use humor and that I am forthcoming about my prognosis (or rather the doctors prognosis for me), but that is what it takes for me to get through. I am thrilled that so many people are praying for my boys and I!

A few old friends have surprised me, as we have taken different paths. But, when they heard, they were right here to offer love and support, and some that I felt would be here can't accept where I am at. As hard as this is, it has also been an incredible journey.

With my ex, I am blessed that he is finally here for our family. My boys need him now and will need him more down the road. We have gotten past old issues, and through forgiveness, we are both able to go forward as best friends. I was always worried that if something happened to me or one of our kids that guilt would kill him, but with guilt out the window, we actually have fun together and our boys are trusting him again. That makes my heart sing! (Yes, there are times when we bug the s*** out of each other!)

Keep your head up! You will figure out what works best for you. Like you, after the first bout, I really took a good look at myself and my life and made a lot of inner changes, these changes have helped me accept where I am right now (most of the time)!

Blessings right back at you!

Lynn Smith · April 2011

camul said:
As this journey continues, I
As this journey continues, I am learning that most people really do care and sometimes do not know what to say or really do want to know what I am going through. I have been open with most people. With those that I really don't care to discuss my life with, I have learned that I can be gracious and thank them for caring and either change the subject or say, in a very nice way, that I am not up to discussing my cancer right now. That I came here to forget about the cancer (if I am in public). I think they get it and I am not hurting feelings.

Sometimes I will admit certain people annoy me to no end (I am human), and I would like to stuff a sock in their mouths. Some are shocked at how I use humor and that I am forthcoming about my prognosis (or rather the doctors prognosis for me), but that is what it takes for me to get through. I am thrilled that so many people are praying for my boys and I!

A few old friends have surprised me, as we have taken different paths. But, when they heard, they were right here to offer love and support, and some that I felt would be here can't accept where I am at. As hard as this is, it has also been an incredible journey.

With my ex, I am blessed that he is finally here for our family. My boys need him now and will need him more down the road. We have gotten past old issues, and through forgiveness, we are both able to go forward as best friends. I was always worried that if something happened to me or one of our kids that guilt would kill him, but with guilt out the window, we actually have fun together and our boys are trusting him again. That makes my heart sing! (Yes, there are times when we bug the s*** out of each other!)

Keep your head up! You will figure out what works best for you. Like you, after the first bout, I really took a good look at myself and my life and made a lot of inner changes, these changes have helped me accept where I am right now (most of the time)!

Blessings right back at you!

Camul
I am so glad you have come to grips with the hardships after your divorce.It is good to hear you both can be civil to one another.It will help you to feel better and heal.You got past the old and starting new.Your X is probably your BEST friend now.

Lynn Smith

csr771 · April 2011

LoveBabyJesus said:
Thanks for your response.
I
Thanks for your response.

I get my strength from God. If it wasn't for him, it would be messy....

We have the same diagnosis. I don't mean to focus on this, but I wanted clarification about your 10 year prognosis. What did you mean? I hope you are OK.

I am OK. The cancer was
I am OK. The cancer was stage 1. I lost a breast and the cancer--no chemo, no rads.

LVG · April 2011

LoveBabyJesus said:
Thanks LVG for your
Thanks LVG for your response.

I will eventually tell people about this. It's just that during treatment and recovery, I would much rather be quiet because I have already felt weird about some attention. And it brings me down a lot. I just turned 33 so I am trying to cope with the fact that I need to be strong for myself, and fight this. I am getting some support - family and friends. I feel in my comfort zone with them.

I agree awareness is important.

....
...

laughs_a_lot · April 2011

At first
At first I tried to keep it quiet. I did this as I thought I would only have a lumpectomy. However when they took the nodes and I ended up with a drain and a night in the hospital I had to call in to work. (The doctor told me I would likely be able to go back to work that night.) I wanted to keep it quiet because of the economy and the thought that if they thought I was making thier insurance costs go up then they would find a way to terminate me.

The church knows and that is the way I intended it all along. But I asked that I not get phone calls as I work 3rd shift. I felt that if anyone was curious, they could join this website and read my blog. So I sent an e-mail to all those who I wanted to know about it and invited them to do just that. Not many did but the fact that I work 3rd shift and made it clear that it was unwise to call made the situation much easier. The few who do call try to call at suppertime. In this way I guard my need for sleep.

Un-wanted Attention - How to handle?

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