Support from Men

bcboyfriend said:

Thank you Bryan from another Bryan

My girlfriend was just diagnosed.  she is having a mastecomy on October 29, 2013.  I am still walking around crying at unguarded times. I told her I want to walk into the hospital holding her hand when she goes in.  I wear a pink shirt every Monday. The day she was diagnosed.  I want to do as much as she will let me do.  She plans to stay with her children an hour and a half away which will be tough. I need to be there.  I am so scared I dont know what to do.  I have a book, "Brest Cancer Husband" that is helping. I have two copies and plan to give her one so she knows what it says and can tell me what not t follow.  She loves reading.  I am not sure it is a good idea though. This dam waiting is tough.  It has been a ong road to get a proper diagnosis.  The first dctor biopsied and missed told her come back in three months.  We had problems and went to a differant place, one of the best in the country and they did two more and found DCIS.  Now we wait.  Dam I feel so frustrated and helpless.  She is holding up well but the closer we get the more upset she gets.  The fear of the unknown and the wait are bad but the wait is the worst. Sorry to dump. I just wished she would be closer but where she is is the right place.

Dear Bryan,

I am so sorry to hear about your girlfriend. You sound like you are doing everything right. Keep on supporting her and don't hide your sadness completely so she will see how much you care. I feel like I am alive today because of my husband. The best thing he did in my opinion is not flinch when he saw me after the operation (radical mastectomy without reconstruction) He helped with everything from meal prep to helping me shower after the surgery. One year later, he doesn't act as though the surgery has made any difference in our relationship at all. He doesn't want me to get reconstruction even, although he says he will agree to whatever I want. The best thing he has done is to listen to all my complaints during chemo without ever acting like I should get over it. He constantly praises my strength and you should do the same. Do a lot of hand holding and make that 1 1/2 hr drive as much as you can. I actually felt better after the operation. It was like the yucky tumor was out of me finally. Maybe you could tell her that you'll be happy when the cancer is gone from her body. Maybe you could take a couple of days off work around the 29th. Keep telling her that you love her and not her breast. Let her cry as often as she wants and just offer your shoulder. Make lots of jokes too if she is the kind who appreciates humor. My husband always made me laugh about being bald and all the craziness that comes with this disease.

Good luck - the world could use more men like you!!

Anna

bcboyfriend said:

Thank you Bryan from the other Bryan

Thank you Bryan and iluvbutton.  We got the diagnosis. She had a total mastectamy on her right breast with expander for reconstruction.  We were in the hospital for two days.  They think it will be clear but are waiting for the final biopsy now.  I am so scared.  I will be glad when the results are in.  She is holding up well.  I sometimes think better than me.  I am doing all she will et me do.  I tell her I love her and not her breasts.  It is also kind of crazy that I am not a husband but a boyfriend and not the full time caregiving.  The kids are doing a great job though I wish I could do more.  I make the drive twice a week and try to focus and get my work done.  I text and email many times a day at random times to tell her I love her and care.  I will absolutely tell her I'll be happy when the cancer is all gone and she is better.  I am saving to take a quiet romantiic trip when she is ready for that.  I don't know when that will be but I will be ready when she is. I guess the longer it takes for her to be ready the more money I will have and the better the trip will be.  I think anything will be good as long as we are together and she is cancer free.   I still wear a pink shirt every Monday and defy other men to say anything.  Funny that some do and when I tell them why they change their tune.  I also happen to look good in pink. lol  Thank you all for guidance on what is good to say and what not to say.  I just want her to feel better and know I am here for her.  Thanks again 

Bryan W. in Houston

Hey Bryan,

I understand how you feel. I was the sole caregiver for my wife who recently finished her radiation and double mast. He will be getting reconstruction in Feb. PLease let me know if you ever need to talk. I am a retired Us MArine Bomb Technician and dealing witht htis was more dificult than my 3 Iraq and 2 Afghanistan deployments, but you CAN get through it. Do not be afraid to ask for help from those of us who have been through what you are going through. This site was a lifesaver for me. God Bless

Dennis

Hi:  I have to admit that I too am angry about my cancer. However, I had a very unsupportive partner and after six months he walked out the door. I had a lumpectomy and he was never interested in even seeing it, not listening to my fears, not interested in my radiation, etc. Give your wife some more time and consider having her go to a therapist about it. Many will do a sliding scale if asked. It doesn't even need to be a long term commitment but she may realize after a few sessions that her anger is at the cancer not at you.  This is just my personal example.

I have kearned are usually naturally "fixers" and retreat from the emotional especially when it is something they can't "fix".  While helpful in concrete ways..ie cooking (which has become a sour dough obsession), laundry, all shopping, he remains emotionally unavailable partially due to residual minor PTSD from Nam where he was a medical paratrooper with major awful memories of caregiving.

I have struggled and finally accepted his limitations, but on rough days...it is the worst and still struggle with acceptance since there are no friends or family here.

So it remains to evaluate your individual situations and make choices.  He is a good man, and like like my bro with our parents, does not have it in them to provide the care we would like.