Support from Men

Bryan_Spohn

Ladies,

The men in your lives are generally rooting for your successful recovery. If they are not, then they must be discarded like really tacky shoes. Sometimes this cheerleading is private. Men mostly have a hard time sharing their feelings. Please wait and listen for when they do share them with you. Some men will go through a mourning period if your breasts are removed. For breasts, according to some men, are a part of what attracted you to them in the first place. Truly supportive men, though, will love you no matter what you look like. If there is a time that tests a relationship's mettle, the diagnosis and treatment of breast cancer will.

Yet, I know that your men will usually not be able to sympathize, but will care for you anyway. Breast cancer rates among men are rather quite low. The vast majority of men, however, hate when their ladies are sick. Your caregiving significant others, though, can, and will, empathize. We may not do things exactly and perfectly right, especially when we are facing our first caregiving experience. The more patience you can show the men caring for you, the easier caregiving becomes for us. Caregiving is not a natural thing that men do. We generally learn from trial and error. Please forgive us if we err.

We, as men, can be better caregivers. For example, we can be the best nonsense detectors a lady could ever have. We can listen better to doctors' care instructions. We should listen to you when you open up to us, even when we are a target. We must understand that our relationship with you will be stronger after caregiving than before.

So please be of good cheer. If you treat your partner like a teammate, you can get just as good care, if not better, from a man. We are here to help you.

Sincerely,
Bryan Spohn

Aortus

Extremely well said, Bryan!
And welcome to the club that nobody, husbands or wives alike, wants to join. The ladies here are wonderfully supportive of the handful of us guys who hang around here... as long as we keep them plied with Peeps and chocolate. My best to both you and to your wife as you fight this war side by side!

Regards,
Joe

sea60

Bryan,
thank you for expressing your feelings. Most of the women here are truly blessed with wonderful men in their lives who love and support them. I'm sure there are others that have a hard time coping and expressing their feelings or have a hard time being in the "caregiving" role. I know for me and maybe others, I didn't want to give up MY caregiving role. I did everything all the time and I felt vulnerable being on the "receiving" end.

"In sickness and in health" is for some, a true test of endurance.

Kind regards,

Sylvia

sbmly53

Thank you, Bryan,
I am blessed to have a very caring hubby. He was so good carting me all around. He never really asked many questions, and I did not offer too much information, but I will never - not ever - forget the look on his face when we got the results of the mammo that showed No Evidence of Disease.

Your lady is very fortunate indeed to have you fighting by her side.


Sue

Katmy

Bryan,
I am glad you are
Bryan,
I am glad you are sharing your feelings. I am blessed with a supportive husband and father-in-law. I am sad sometimes when I think of how my situation has turned LIFE upside down for us all. People ask how I am. Never do they think to ask how my "care givers" are. Sometimes, I think it is harder on them because they have their usual life and then open the door to the house to my reality. That must be hard to synchronize.

I like your idea of "teammate." Thanks

I hope all is going well in your household.

ladyg

Bryan
Thanks for sharing with us. I am also very lucky to have a wonderful supportive husband. From the time I heard those words he was at my side. He was with me at every dr. visit (and still is). Was with me for surgery and every rad visit. So I know how lucky your wife is to have you there with her.

Hugs,
Georgia

Christmas Girl

Warm Welcome, Bryan
... Though I am sorry for the reason you're here.

Almost immediately after diagnosis, I was advised by my med pro team that the breast cancer journey most often strengthens a good marriage/partnership and breaks a weak one. Am now 7+ years out from that time; and, next month we'll celebrate our 31st wedding anniversary.

Thanks, so very much, for your very valuable insight.

Sincerest best wishes to you and your wife.

Kind regards, Susan

bcboyfriend

Thank you Bryan from another Bryan

My girlfriend was just diagnosed.  she is having a mastecomy on October 29, 2013.  I am still walking around crying at unguarded times. I told her I want to walk into the hospital holding her hand when she goes in.  I wear a pink shirt every Monday. The day she was diagnosed.  I want to do as much as she will let me do.  She plans to stay with her children an hour and a half away which will be tough. I need to be there.  I am so scared I dont know what to do.  I have a book, "Brest Cancer Husband" that is helping. I have two copies and plan to give her one so she knows what it says and can tell me what not t follow.  She loves reading.  I am not sure it is a good idea though. This dam waiting is tough.  It has been a ong road to get a proper diagnosis.  The first dctor biopsied and missed told her come back in three months.  We had problems and went to a differant place, one of the best in the country and they did two more and found DCIS.  Now we wait.  Dam I feel so frustrated and helpless.  She is holding up well but the closer we get the more upset she gets.  The fear of the unknown and the wait are bad but the wait is the worst. Sorry to dump. I just wished she would be closer but where she is is the right place.

iluvbutton

bcboyfriend said:

Thank you Bryan from another Bryan

My girlfriend was just diagnosed.  she is having a mastecomy on October 29, 2013.  I am still walking around crying at unguarded times. I told her I want to walk into the hospital holding her hand when she goes in.  I wear a pink shirt every Monday. The day she was diagnosed.  I want to do as much as she will let me do.  She plans to stay with her children an hour and a half away which will be tough. I need to be there.  I am so scared I dont know what to do.  I have a book, "Brest Cancer Husband" that is helping. I have two copies and plan to give her one so she knows what it says and can tell me what not t follow.  She loves reading.  I am not sure it is a good idea though. This dam waiting is tough.  It has been a ong road to get a proper diagnosis.  The first dctor biopsied and missed told her come back in three months.  We had problems and went to a differant place, one of the best in the country and they did two more and found DCIS.  Now we wait.  Dam I feel so frustrated and helpless.  She is holding up well but the closer we get the more upset she gets.  The fear of the unknown and the wait are bad but the wait is the worst. Sorry to dump. I just wished she would be closer but where she is is the right place.

Dear Bryan,
I am so sorry to

Dear Bryan,

I am so sorry to hear about your girlfriend. You sound like you are doing everything right. Keep on supporting her and don't hide your sadness completely so she will see how much you care. I feel like I am alive today because of my husband. The best thing he did in my opinion is not flinch when he saw me after the operation (radical mastectomy without reconstruction) He helped with everything from meal prep to helping me shower after the surgery. One year later, he doesn't act as though the surgery has made any difference in our relationship at all. He doesn't want me to get reconstruction even, although he says he will agree to whatever I want. The best thing he has done is to listen to all my complaints during chemo without ever acting like I should get over it. He constantly praises my strength and you should do the same. Do a lot of hand holding and make that 1 1/2 hr drive as much as you can. I actually felt better after the operation. It was like the yucky tumor was out of me finally. Maybe you could tell her that you'll be happy when the cancer is gone from her body. Maybe you could take a couple of days off work around the 29th. Keep telling her that you love her and not her breast. Let her cry as often as she wants and just offer your shoulder. Make lots of jokes too if she is the kind who appreciates humor. My husband always made me laugh about being bald and all the craziness that comes with this disease.

Good luck - the world could use more men like you!!

Anna

bcboyfriend

iluvbutton said:

Dear Bryan,
I am so sorry to

Dear Bryan,

I am so sorry to hear about your girlfriend. You sound like you are doing everything right. Keep on supporting her and don't hide your sadness completely so she will see how much you care. I feel like I am alive today because of my husband. The best thing he did in my opinion is not flinch when he saw me after the operation (radical mastectomy without reconstruction) He helped with everything from meal prep to helping me shower after the surgery. One year later, he doesn't act as though the surgery has made any difference in our relationship at all. He doesn't want me to get reconstruction even, although he says he will agree to whatever I want. The best thing he has done is to listen to all my complaints during chemo without ever acting like I should get over it. He constantly praises my strength and you should do the same. Do a lot of hand holding and make that 1 1/2 hr drive as much as you can. I actually felt better after the operation. It was like the yucky tumor was out of me finally. Maybe you could tell her that you'll be happy when the cancer is gone from her body. Maybe you could take a couple of days off work around the 29th. Keep telling her that you love her and not her breast. Let her cry as often as she wants and just offer your shoulder. Make lots of jokes too if she is the kind who appreciates humor. My husband always made me laugh about being bald and all the craziness that comes with this disease.

Good luck - the world could use more men like you!!

Anna

Thank you Bryan from the other Bryan

Thank you Bryan and iluvbutton.  We got the diagnosis. She had a total mastectamy on her right breast with expander for reconstruction.  We were in the hospital for two days.  They think it will be clear but are waiting for the final biopsy now.  I am so scared.  I will be glad when the results are in.  She is holding up well.  I sometimes think better than me.  I am doing all she will et me do.  I tell her I love her and not her breasts.  It is also kind of crazy that I am not a husband but a boyfriend and not the full time caregiving.  The kids are doing a great job though I wish I could do more.  I make the drive twice a week and try to focus and get my work done.  I text and email many times a day at random times to tell her I love her and care.  I will absolutely tell her I'll be happy when the cancer is all gone and she is better.  I am saving to take a quiet romantiic trip when she is ready for that.  I don't know when that will be but I will be ready when she is. I guess the longer it takes for her to be ready the more money I will have and the better the trip will be.  I think anything will be good as long as we are together and she is cancer free.   I still wear a pink shirt every Monday and defy other men to say anything.  Funny that some do and when I tell them why they change their tune.  I also happen to look good in pink. lol  Thank you all for guidance on what is good to say and what not to say.  I just want her to feel better and know I am here for her.  Thanks again 

Bryan W. in Houston

dthompson

bcboyfriend said:

Thank you Bryan from the other Bryan

Thank you Bryan and iluvbutton.  We got the diagnosis. She had a total mastectamy on her right breast with expander for reconstruction.  We were in the hospital for two days.  They think it will be clear but are waiting for the final biopsy now.  I am so scared.  I will be glad when the results are in.  She is holding up well.  I sometimes think better than me.  I am doing all she will et me do.  I tell her I love her and not her breasts.  It is also kind of crazy that I am not a husband but a boyfriend and not the full time caregiving.  The kids are doing a great job though I wish I could do more.  I make the drive twice a week and try to focus and get my work done.  I text and email many times a day at random times to tell her I love her and care.  I will absolutely tell her I'll be happy when the cancer is all gone and she is better.  I am saving to take a quiet romantiic trip when she is ready for that.  I don't know when that will be but I will be ready when she is. I guess the longer it takes for her to be ready the more money I will have and the better the trip will be.  I think anything will be good as long as we are together and she is cancer free.   I still wear a pink shirt every Monday and defy other men to say anything.  Funny that some do and when I tell them why they change their tune.  I also happen to look good in pink. lol  Thank you all for guidance on what is good to say and what not to say.  I just want her to feel better and know I am here for her.  Thanks again 

Bryan W. in Houston

Hey Bryan,
I understand how

Hey Bryan,

I understand how you feel. I was the sole caregiver for my wife who recently finished her radiation and double mast. He will be getting reconstruction in Feb. PLease let me know if you ever need to talk. I am a retired Us MArine Bomb Technician and dealing witht htis was more dificult than my 3 Iraq and 2 Afghanistan deployments, but you CAN get through it. Do not be afraid to ask for help from those of us who have been through what you are going through. This site was a lifesaver for me. God Bless

 

Dennis

ronwoolf

Caregivers as targets

I respond to Bryan with a question: How does one approach convincing my wife that she is harboring anger at the cancer itself...her reaction was to fire back at me that she is no angry about her cancer...maybe she says its me who is angry.  But she shows anger at the smallest thing, now a year after being cleared of it but still on immunotherapy.

SLS100

Anger

Hi:  I have to admit that I too am angry about my cancer. However, I had a very unsupportive partner and after six months he walked out the door. I had a lumpectomy and he was never interested in even seeing it, not listening to my fears, not interested in my radiation, etc. Give your wife some more time and consider having her go to a therapist about it. Many will do a sliding scale if asked. It doesn't even need to be a long term commitment but she may realize after a few sessions that her anger is at the cancer not at you.  This is just my personal example.

ronwoolf

SLS100 said:

Anger

Hi:  I have to admit that I too am angry about my cancer. However, I had a very unsupportive partner and after six months he walked out the door. I had a lumpectomy and he was never interested in even seeing it, not listening to my fears, not interested in my radiation, etc. Give your wife some more time and consider having her go to a therapist about it. Many will do a sliding scale if asked. It doesn't even need to be a long term commitment but she may realize after a few sessions that her anger is at the cancer not at you.  This is just my personal example.

Caregivers as targets

SLS100: sorry you had such poor support...I have not and never will waiver and I appreciate your suggestion but I cannot get my wife to acknowledge she heens help so I cannot move forward that way...looking ofr some ideas of how to get her going to help.

tufi000

Well...men

I have kearned are usually naturally "fixers" and retreat from the emotional especially when it is something they can't "fix".  While helpful in concrete ways..ie cooking (which has become a sour dough obsession), laundry, all shopping, he remains emotionally unavailable partially due to residual minor PTSD from Nam where he was a medical paratrooper with major awful memories of caregiving.

I have struggled and finally accepted his limitations, but on rough days...it is the worst and still struggle with acceptance since there are no friends or family here.

So it remains to evaluate your individual situations and make choices.  He is a good man, and like like my bro with our parents, does not have it in them to provide the care we would like.