anyone have a family member that "doesn't want to hear about it"????
Comments
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I do
And I find it very painful. My youngest brother with whom we used to be
really close. He called me once since I was diagnosed. I never asked him
why. Even though we were far apart, we used to talk a lot. He was going
once going through a phase when he was really unhappy, I made a point
to call him more often. Sometimes I would call him right back, because I
didn't like the way he sounded when we ended the call. And now when I
see what he does, I am just speechless.
In my honest opinion, I think this is very selfish behavior. I have done
many thing that crumped my style, made me feel uncomfortable because
it helped someone else. So this kind of thinking is foreign to me.
I am sorry, that your daughter isn't more sensitive to your needs.
Hugs,
Ayse0 -
thank youaysemari said:I do
And I find it very painful. My youngest brother with whom we used to be
really close. He called me once since I was diagnosed. I never asked him
why. Even though we were far apart, we used to talk a lot. He was going
once going through a phase when he was really unhappy, I made a point
to call him more often. Sometimes I would call him right back, because I
didn't like the way he sounded when we ended the call. And now when I
see what he does, I am just speechless.
In my honest opinion, I think this is very selfish behavior. I have done
many thing that crumped my style, made me feel uncomfortable because
it helped someone else. So this kind of thinking is foreign to me.
I am sorry, that your daughter isn't more sensitive to your needs.
Hugs,
Ayse
and it does hurt me...a lot. And I remember all that I have done and still do.
Just seems hurtful.0 -
Your daughter...
may be afraid that getting bc is in her future and so the only way for her to deal with it is not to. I had a masectomy 3 years ago next month but my daughters who at the time were 31 and 28 were supportive but both lived out of town. So I can't ever expect them to be around for routine testing and frankly, I don't want them to have to worry about me. I don't even tell them when I'm having a mamo or seeing my onc. Maybe I just have to feel like my life is "normal" by not having to involve them in my bc worries. I think all of us handle this issue differently and that there is no right or wrong way. And if your daughter can't support you, you know that we on this board will. Hugs, Sally0 -
Husband doesn't want to hear about it anymore
Your post is timely coming right before Valentine's Day. I was just sitting here feeling sorry for myself when I saw it. How right you are! My husband couldn't have been more supportive during diagnosis and throughout treatment. Now that treatment is finished he doesn't seem to want to talk about it at all and seems to think everything is "normal." Well it isn't. Not sure it ever will be. I think he is tired of hearing about it and would like to think everything is like it was a mere 18 months ago. Probably thinks I am whiney if I say anything about it. I think, like your daughter, it is his way of coping. It seems to be something we just have to deal with. My own daughter is 18 and my son is 20. They seem more sympathetic to the ongoing issues than my husband does. At least the Pink Sisters can relate and we have this board for venting.0 -
Husband doesn't want to hear about it anymore
Your post is timely coming right before Valentine's Day. I was just sitting here feeling sorry for myself when I saw it. How right you are! My husband couldn't have been more supportive during diagnosis and throughout treatment. Now that treatment is finished he doesn't seem to want to talk about it at all and seems to think everything is "normal." Well it isn't. Not sure it ever will be. I think he is tired of hearing about it and would like to think everything is like it was a mere 18 months ago. Probably thinks I am whiney if I say anything about it. I think, like your daughter, it is his way of coping. It seems to be something we just have to deal with. My own daughter is 18 and my son is 20. They seem more sympathetic to the ongoing issues than my husband does. At least the Pink Sisters can relate and we have this board for venting.0 -
Funny this Christmas I wentMiss Murphy said:Your daughter...
may be afraid that getting bc is in her future and so the only way for her to deal with it is not to. I had a masectomy 3 years ago next month but my daughters who at the time were 31 and 28 were supportive but both lived out of town. So I can't ever expect them to be around for routine testing and frankly, I don't want them to have to worry about me. I don't even tell them when I'm having a mamo or seeing my onc. Maybe I just have to feel like my life is "normal" by not having to involve them in my bc worries. I think all of us handle this issue differently and that there is no right or wrong way. And if your daughter can't support you, you know that we on this board will. Hugs, Sally
Funny this Christmas I went to a party and people who were aquaitances asked me how I was. Went the next day with husbands family nobody mentioned it. although Ihad been too ill to even be with them the last Christmas. My best friend never called me the months I was so ill. I just dont think about that, I just accept support from those who able, and dont wonder why others arent. I have no energy to get in their heads. I dont involve my kids either but they are 20 and 17. But I dont want them worrying about me or themselves. Yes though we are here for you !0 -
Some just can't cope...
Seems this is your daughter's way of coping...perhaps she just can't help feeling the way she does..." out of sight out of mind" I understand how painful this is for you and I hate it for you...my own daughter, 36, went to pieces when I was dx...but couldn't have been more supportive...We just never know what makes people tick..
I was told when I was first dx..." you will find out who your real friends are"...boy was that the truth! It dumbfounded me..had one "friend" of 26 years who passes my house 2-3 times a day who never even called to see if I needed a gallon of milk! Yet would call and want to know all the "gory details"...Needless to say,17 months later, I have no use for her! Yet people who didn't know me well couldn't have been more gracious...MD then there were my real friends who couldn't do enough for my husband and me...
The worst case of this that I know of involves my closest friend of 25 years....she has the reverse of your story...she is dying of incurable brain cancer..been fighting this for 2+ years...her mother lives out the country...she has only been here 3 times...last time she left right before Christmas, she needed to go home to her "routine."and the sad thing is..nothing waiting on her at home..I seriously want to shake this woman!!!!!! It goes without
saying how beyond hurt and crushed my friend is...I think I can speak for the majority of mothers when I say..." the flames of hell" couldn't keep me from my dying child! But evidently this is how she copes...we can't understand it...
I'm rambling, forgive me..I think this is how your daughter copes with her fears...I know my daughter, who is extremely close to me, thought I was going to die...she, herself, was scared to death. I'm sure your daughter loves you to the end of the earth but this is her coping method...she wants to forget that two years ago her mom received a cancer diagnosis..now two years later mom seems fine so why revisit all those horrible fears...?
People who have never heard those dreaded words "you have cancer" can't begin to understand what it's like....like telling someone what it's like to give birth! Then when treatment ends and we look normal, well then surely everything is fine! WRONG!
Anyway...Guess you have to accept your lovely daughter's coping skills as is...have you spoken to her about your feelings? We can't change people...we can only change our reactions to them...
I wish you the best,
Nancy0 -
Jessiesmom-SAME herejessiesmom1 said:Husband doesn't want to hear about it anymore
Your post is timely coming right before Valentine's Day. I was just sitting here feeling sorry for myself when I saw it. How right you are! My husband couldn't have been more supportive during diagnosis and throughout treatment. Now that treatment is finished he doesn't seem to want to talk about it at all and seems to think everything is "normal." Well it isn't. Not sure it ever will be. I think he is tired of hearing about it and would like to think everything is like it was a mere 18 months ago. Probably thinks I am whiney if I say anything about it. I think, like your daughter, it is his way of coping. It seems to be something we just have to deal with. My own daughter is 18 and my son is 20. They seem more sympathetic to the ongoing issues than my husband does. At least the Pink Sisters can relate and we have this board for venting.
Jessiesmom1 my husband is the same way. Supportive all through diagnosis, treatment, surgery, chemo. Literally the day of my last chemo everything changed. Support is ALL gone. We can't talk about it. My fears of reoccurance, or of my daughters someday getting it, are "all in my head". I gave up trying to talk to him about it, and find my support elsewhere, like here
*hugs*
Heather0 -
Yesjphilpo said:friends
I am sorry that this has happened to you. I don't have the family issue, but I have had friends turn away from me. It has been very helpful and I still feel the pain from it almost 2 years later.
Thank heavens for this board,
Jean
I can honestly say very few friends "stepped" up. Most ignored me. And the family, well, crisis over, things are fine, no need to ever talk about it again. I guess. I try to live my life, take what I like and leave the rest as they say in Alanon.
My husband, though, has been wonderful and cooks from the anti-cancer recipes and he will listen to most anything I want to talk about.
I don't understand people. To me, this has been a BIG deal. Oh well.
We have each other:)
xoxo
Victoria0 -
Jessie: MY husbandjessiesmom1 said:Husband doesn't want to hear about it anymore
Your post is timely coming right before Valentine's Day. I was just sitting here feeling sorry for myself when I saw it. How right you are! My husband couldn't have been more supportive during diagnosis and throughout treatment. Now that treatment is finished he doesn't seem to want to talk about it at all and seems to think everything is "normal." Well it isn't. Not sure it ever will be. I think he is tired of hearing about it and would like to think everything is like it was a mere 18 months ago. Probably thinks I am whiney if I say anything about it. I think, like your daughter, it is his way of coping. It seems to be something we just have to deal with. My own daughter is 18 and my son is 20. They seem more sympathetic to the ongoing issues than my husband does. At least the Pink Sisters can relate and we have this board for venting.
I recently had ISSUE-went to Dr with no appt and he took me-did some tests and biopsies...I told my hubby Dr thinks all ok (since just had 2 D & C) but had to wait for biopsies to come back. Week later I got results (all ok) but my hubby never asked.
few days later I was so upset-crying said YOU NEVER asked...if i had more cancer..
he said " YOU said Dr said all was ok"..
SO IN his mind heard GOOD news...and closed that door
HE said to me yesterday well YOU shouldn't have to worry about getting BC again...(totally clue-less & will never read up on it or anything)0 -
My daughter is the same:
She is 23 (I posted prior and not here for some reason)and lives at home...She knows I recently has ISSUE where I had to go the the Dr right away..(took me without an appt) I gave her a bit of details...she has not asked how the tests/ biospies turned out-I told her they were looking for uteran (SP?) cancer again ( in past 8mths 2 D & C due to thickening of uterus & another ISSUE!!)
she never asked me or my husband etc..
my younger daughter 19 does ask when she knows I have any appt..
So like others have said maybe your daughter's way to cope though it hurts...0 -
Lizziedisneyfan2008 said:My daughter is the same:
She is 23 (I posted prior and not here for some reason)and lives at home...She knows I recently has ISSUE where I had to go the the Dr right away..(took me without an appt) I gave her a bit of details...she has not asked how the tests/ biospies turned out-I told her they were looking for uteran (SP?) cancer again ( in past 8mths 2 D & C due to thickening of uterus & another ISSUE!!)
she never asked me or my husband etc..
my younger daughter 19 does ask when she knows I have any appt..
So like others have said maybe your daughter's way to cope though it hurts...
I am really sorry for you and I can understand why you are hurt. I really can...but I don't think it is that unusual. probably most of us can relate in some way and that's why we are so good for each other.
i have 3 children in their early 30's. I don't particularly want anyone with me for tests and appts and my husband is retired so is free to drive me if needed. So that doesn't bother me. However, I have to admit that it does sometimes bother me that they never ask how things are going. An eample would be...I have recently started to lose my hair again after it had all grown back..no big deal..but it is pretty obvious...and nobody says a word. I think for some this is just their way of shutting it out and not having to deal with it.
You do find out who your friends are...you don't often need any actual help, but cards and calls mean a lot to me. I do have one friend that I am finding it hard to forgive. We walkes together 3 days a week and I had been there for her for many years through a very difficult marriage. She called once 6 months after my diagnosis..even though I know she had known from the start and never again. I just can't believe it!!!
I do think with our children it is just a way that some of them dealing with it.
I am really sorry for you..but you do know that we are here and we do understand.
Take care. Pat0 -
Lizzie:sausageroll said:Lizzie
I am really sorry for you and I can understand why you are hurt. I really can...but I don't think it is that unusual. probably most of us can relate in some way and that's why we are so good for each other.
i have 3 children in their early 30's. I don't particularly want anyone with me for tests and appts and my husband is retired so is free to drive me if needed. So that doesn't bother me. However, I have to admit that it does sometimes bother me that they never ask how things are going. An eample would be...I have recently started to lose my hair again after it had all grown back..no big deal..but it is pretty obvious...and nobody says a word. I think for some this is just their way of shutting it out and not having to deal with it.
You do find out who your friends are...you don't often need any actual help, but cards and calls mean a lot to me. I do have one friend that I am finding it hard to forgive. We walkes together 3 days a week and I had been there for her for many years through a very difficult marriage. She called once 6 months after my diagnosis..even though I know she had known from the start and never again. I just can't believe it!!!
I do think with our children it is just a way that some of them dealing with it.
I am really sorry for you..but you do know that we are here and we do understand.
Take care. Pat
I agree dont' need anyone to tag along..but on occassional how are things with your appts...treatments etc..would be nice...My now 19 yr said after close to 3 yrs post radiation etc HOW COME YOU went to your treatments alone? I should have gone with you! I said I JUST did what I had to...I was fine...(I worked full time and did on my lunch)
she now feels badly she didn't go to any of my appts etc..(even my surgery I had her go to school-I did have 2 long time friends come and ONE friend drove from VT to NY to be with me for the day-never expected that...but great she came!)0 -
Children!disneyfan2008 said:Lizzie:
I agree dont' need anyone to tag along..but on occassional how are things with your appts...treatments etc..would be nice...My now 19 yr said after close to 3 yrs post radiation etc HOW COME YOU went to your treatments alone? I should have gone with you! I said I JUST did what I had to...I was fine...(I worked full time and did on my lunch)
she now feels badly she didn't go to any of my appts etc..(even my surgery I had her go to school-I did have 2 long time friends come and ONE friend drove from VT to NY to be with me for the day-never expected that...but great she came!)
My kids don't live close by, and I guess I'm sort of glad I don't know how much I could have counted of them if I needed them. They did come to visit between my surgeries and called several times a week when I was doing chemo and radiation. I really did not want them around an worried about me, but it also would have been nice to be able to have them around.
Our adult children have only known us in our role of taking care of THEM, being there for the major events in their lives, comforting them with their heartaches, etc. The role reversal typically happens in older age when they've finished raising their families and have learned not to be so self centered, and are no longer as busy with either children or building careers. The young women on this board are perfect examples - they're more worried about their children and how their illness will effect their lives than themselves. I'm not making excuses for our kids, but I think they sometimes just don't get that we're not only moms, we're individual women with needs and fears. We might need to tell them.
We definitely do learn a lot about our friends in times like this, don't we? I also learned a lot about me as a friend. In hindsight (prior to me being sick) I may have disappointed some of my friends in their times of need (I hope not). I learned what I needed from them (just a card or phone call or to listen and not judge) and hope I will remember that if one of them gets sick.
Suzanne0 -
I know others that have
I know others that have experienced this. I know that everyone handles thing in their own way, but I can imagine how your daughter's refusals must make you feel.
My family is always there for apts., biopsies and tests, they are just as concerned as me. It is a great comfort to me and makes me feel loved. Have you sat down with her to discuss your feelings?0 -
thank you pink sisters
Thank you for all the different perspectives on my daughter's way of coping. She reminded me the other day that she has been this way since the DX...I guess I hoped as she matured, things would change, but I think it is just who she is.
Sometimes I feel like I discuss it way too much with my 3 close friends and that I am just not any fun anymore. I have family in other states, and we stay in touch mainly on FB, but no one ever asks how I am doing. Wow, I sound like a pity-party coming on.
I will just be patient about the situation, and remember all of you when I need support!!! Hugs to all of you! 0 -
This is really a good post.lizzie17 said:thank you pink sisters
Thank you for all the different perspectives on my daughter's way of coping. She reminded me the other day that she has been this way since the DX...I guess I hoped as she matured, things would change, but I think it is just who she is.
Sometimes I feel like I discuss it way too much with my 3 close friends and that I am just not any fun anymore. I have family in other states, and we stay in touch mainly on FB, but no one ever asks how I am doing. Wow, I sound like a pity-party coming on.
I will just be patient about the situation, and remember all of you when I need support!!! Hugs to all of you!
This is really a good post. It helps to know that I am not the only one who finds the interaction with family and friends to be very puzzling. My almost 30 yr old son asked me why I still worry about tests, etc. since I don't have cancer anymore. I think it's his way of supporting me but I think it's more for himself than me. I think the whole thing scares him. Love to all.0 -
So do
Yes, my husband who was wonderful during treatment now tells me I'm fine, it's not going to come back, it's gone. When I mention being scared of pains, he says it's cause we're old and he has them too.
Just called my onc's office to see if they can refer me to someone. I'm always tired, scared and sad (cry at the drop of a hat) and can't seem to get over it. Must be time for some help, if I'm just supposed to "be a little stronger".
Thanks for the opportunity to vent.
marge0 -
Pity party all you want itmwallace1325 said:So do
Yes, my husband who was wonderful during treatment now tells me I'm fine, it's not going to come back, it's gone. When I mention being scared of pains, he says it's cause we're old and he has them too.
Just called my onc's office to see if they can refer me to someone. I'm always tired, scared and sad (cry at the drop of a hat) and can't seem to get over it. Must be time for some help, if I'm just supposed to "be a little stronger".
Thanks for the opportunity to vent.
marge
Pity party all you want it is very hard to deal with it. I will say when my brother was dying of cancer some family members didn't react the way that I wanted but then my girls reminded me that not all people are as strong as me and can deal with tough situations.
just know we are here to listen =:( Diane0
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