My life has changed, has anyone had this happen?

Truckincrazy1

Had lumpectomy April 27, 2022. I was blessed, margins clear, no lymph node involvement. July 22, 2023 will be a year since my last radiation treatment. I have had PET scans and 3 D mammogram, (hurt like the devil) and surgeon did breast exam. No cancer. I suffer from anxiety and occasional panic attacks.

I just want to get this off my chest, no pun intended. I thought some of you ladies could offer some help.

During my year of treatment and recovery, my adult daughters never checked on me, I lost friends, and only had a parrot. I lost that parrot, he passed in my arms on Jan 5, 2023. I fell apart, then 2 cats passed, I now have a part time job and I hate it. After trying to get out of the house more, I suffered panic attacks, tears the whole nine yards. I ended up in tears at family functions. I have now lost my dearest friend, one cousin as I thought I was trying to help. I am heart broken.

I tried meds and I just can't take them. I get every side effect there is. My anxiety is so bad, I now have hives. I have been to 3 drs and 4 meds.

I confided in my youngest daughter who is 31, has a 5 year old and newly married to a wonderful man. I cried trying to explain to her my feelings. She ended up getting angry at me. That she won't have me fall a part in front her her child. My granddaughter is my world. I wear a bracelet she gave me. Nana, Nana's love extra special, no one can take her place.

During my year of treatment, she got used to me not being around. I used to see her every day.

My daughter has cut off all contact with me. I have never felt soo alone in my life. She said I changed. A lot of hurtful memories were brought up both on my part and hers. Life did change me, I am scared and alone.

How do I mend fences in my broken relationships? I know, meditate, get out, exercise, etc. My income is limited and I have a room mate (he owns the house) that treats me like a piece of furniture.

I feel so isolated. I was riding horses, but just can't afford it. I try to go places alone but I feel self conscious. I know I am better off then most women here, and I feel guilty about my whine.

I see a therapist and she tries to help.

I was just wondering if anyone else has gone through this. Just having this board helps.

This is the toughest journey of my life, and I just want to find me again.

Much love and support to everyone of you.

Truckincrazy1

I am deeply hurt that no one has responded.

CSNSupportTeam

Hello Truckincrazy, Please give the CSN members some time to respond to your message. It can sometimes take a few days to get a reply.

CSN Anne

WendyWooHoo

I am so sorry to hear your story. I know the fear of facing cancer. I have watched my father die when I was 7 yrs old of lymphoma and my mother battle multiple myeloma. Mom is doing well, but I am scared to put my daughter through what I have been through as a child of a cancer patient. Although she is grown with a child of her own, I have experienced the child side and know how very scary it is. Age doesn't really matter because it is not something you control and have no say so in. As an adult child, I can imagine you children want to prevent your grandchildren from the ugliness of cancer. I have been fortunate that my granddaughter has embraced my baldness and doesn't know the struggles I face daily. I would suggest sitting down with your daughter and explain that you need to be a regular part of your granddaughter's life as much for her as for you. Being able to see and interact with her will do wonders for you and help you find that piece of you that has been covered up by the loneliness and and depression. Start small and work up to bigger and longer visits for you both. I would love to know how it goes and what kind of visits you arrange!

Truckincrazy1

https://csn.cancer.org/discussion/comment/1707450#Comment_1707450

Thank you, my 5 year old granddaughter was aware that Nana was sick and seeing a doctor. I didn't lose my hair. Iknow now my daughter was trying to protect her daughter from my melt downs. My therapist thinks that small children should know to a certain extent that people do get sick. I was just falling apart emotionally and my daughter can't cpe with it. I shouldn't have expected my child to support me, since she is 31 I thought she would. It will work out one day. Thank you.

Truckincrazy1

https://csn.cancer.org/discussion/comment/1707445#Comment_1707445

Yes, I am aware of that. Thank you for your email.

thelazyaranch4

Hi truckincrazy,

There is testing available through genesight.com that might be of help for you in finding the right medication for depression and or anxiety. I have also tried several different medications and have felt worse than better… I totally get that!!!!

I love to ride horses too!! There is nothing better for the sole than equine therapy !! You could try contacting farms in your area and asking to trade barn work for riding time or lessons. Even if you can’t ride, just being with the horses or grooming is good therapy as well. You might also want to look into any animal shelters in your area that are in need of volunteers!

Hugs and stay strong pink sister!!

Karen

WendyWooHoo

https://csn.cancer.org/discussion/comment/1707451#Comment_1707451

Keep that mindset! I have been able to keep my chin up most days and push through and I feel like it has been because I have not thought what if...., but focused on when .... Everyone's journey is different, but we all have the same end goal.... to be cancer free and to make the most of the days we have. Stay strong, think good thoughts, and don't let anyone take away your sparkle! You have earned it!!!