Cancer alone, no caregiver

Ann71909

I was diagnosed with breast cancer last April.  I am done with chemo, and almost done with radiation.  I had neighbors I could pay to feed my cattle when I was too sick to do it myself, and I am glad I was strong enough to do this on my own, but I think, why me?  Why do I have to go through this alone.  My adult children are of no help.  My son will never speak to me again, and my daughter says I brought this all on myself  by doing chemo and radiation.  She thinks I should have left it with surgery and let chips fall.  I have a few good friends, but they work and have their own lives. I feel guilty for feeling sorry for myself.  I got over feeling sorry I got cancer.  The social worker at the cancer center told me you can't feel guilty about your feelings. Has anyone else gone through this?  How did you make it through feeling alone.  I thought I had a handle on it, but one of my friends has always been into the Relay For Life, and asked me to go to the Survivor's luncheon.  It was very nice, and they also honored the caregivers.  I felt really sad, coz I didn't have a caregiver to honor.  I'm 62 and have been divorced 38 years, so I am used to being alone, but don't like it.

GingerMay

Alone

Sorry your're going through this. I am a caregiver, so do not know what you are going through, but surely it can't be easy.  I've felt alone as a caregiver, overlooked, misunderstood and minimized.  I think it's part of the extra luggage that comes along on this road. 

You sound quite strong, and I'm glad you pursued the treatment that was right for you regardless of other's thoughts.  Sometimes family isn't helpful.  I know and it stinks. 

You aren't alone in your feelings.  Some things I've found helpful are a local Meetme group  associated with Facebook, attending a support group at my hospital, and a group at my community center. If you feel like reaching out to any of these, keep looking until you find one that feels right.  It took me a while.  Also, suggest the Chat feature on this site in the evenings. You can always keep reading and posting here too.  

janaes

I felt alone alot going

I felt alone alot going through cancer treatments. I had just seperated from my husband of 16 years and had two tween kids at home. I did have support of extended family but i still felt alone alot. My kids supported me but there were many times they needed me to support them. It was hard being a mom with cancer. My exstended family did help quite a bit but not really with the day to day stuff in fact at times they expected me to keep up with chores and have my kids pick up the slack. People couldnt understand that that was too hard for my kids since they were trying to be kids and take care of me and there regular respondsabilites. It was imposible at times. I did the best i could.
Dont feel guilty for where you are at. You are doing your best. Take it a minute at a time if you need to. I remember laying in my bed saying to myself that i feel lonely. I had to just tell myself that its okay to feel lonely.

Just ignore the rude comments and come to this site for suppport if you need to.  This site got me through it.

Juls4

I'm so sorry you feel so

I'm so sorry you feel so alone.  I am lucky to have a great support system, but even so, cancer is very isolating.  From where I stand, I'm amazed at how strong you are and what you've been able to get through alone! It sounds like you've gotten through the worst of treatment and are coming to the finish line.  While life is different after treatment and can be stressful with wondering if it's going to come back, be proud of yourself and know that there are lots of women around the world struggling with all the crap that comes with breast cancer.  No doctor would suggest "letting the chips fall" and you absolutely shouldn't feel guilty for going through chemo and radiation.  Your daughter probably doesn't understand that chemo is not just a random poison, but a targeted treatment that has been researched and refined over decades. Online forums are a great way to connect with people and you should definitely check into support groups in your area.  I think a lot of people are in the same boat as you.  Good luck and let go of that guilt! You've been through hell and you deserve to enjoy the life you've been fighting for!

JerzyGrrl

Ann --

Ann, it sounds to me that -- especially after reading the part about feeding your cattle, plus being strong enough to do this on your own -- that YOU ought to be able to stand up as your very own caregiver and be honored. I didn't have a caregiver (or cattle, just my little dog who had a week-long sleep-over with friends), but then again I didn't go through quite as complicated the treatments that you did.

So sorry to hear about your kids' attitudes. It's easy enough to feel alone through cancer treatment, but when your family -- especially your immediate family -- isn't supportive, that's a big kick in the butt. It's good you have your friend nudged / invited you to connect with others, even if it felt a tad awkward. Ginger May and others (above) have some good suggestions for connecting. There's also the CSN Email on this website to connect with others, too.

Yup, I've had times when I've felt quite lonely. It's not unreasonable to feel lonely. Sometimes I set a timer to have a pity party. Occasionally, I allow myself the entire day (although an all-day pity party when I'm the only one attending gets really boring, really fast, even if there's ice cream and cake).

Even those days when you feel lonely (and that's what real loneliness is -- genuine feelings), you're not alone.

All the best -- let us know how it goes.

Kathryn in Houston

I went through it alone too

i know just how you feel. I was alone. No husband. Family to busy and/or far away. Boyfriend may as well not even been there. He was no help whatsover. In fact, he made it worse. I remember saying that to myself too that I'm lonely and scared. Don't feel guilty for your feelings. People get really weird when it comes to this I found. You did not bring this on yourself. That is a cruel thing to say. OMG! 98% of people would take the treatment. She can't say that as she hasn't been in your shoes. I too thought maybe I wouldnt take treatment either but when it was my time, get out of the way cuz here I am. Zap me please! Letting the chips fall where they may is like playing Russian Roulette! You may as well take a gun to your head. I felt sorry for myself too. Its normal! Its human. People just dont know till theyve walked a mile in the same shoes. They just cant fathom. I dumped people over it and dont regret it either. I guess I'm just more compassionate than most towards the sick. One thing that does help is volunteering for those less fortunate than you. It really does help the soul. I was my own caregiver as you were. You could be of great service to someone else in that position and in turn it will help you too. Let us know how you progress. Take care.

bunniebit

Care giver with cancer

i found this website searching for how to get through this chapter of my life.  To start with I have been married for 38 years to a guy who was always been pretty needy. He has had many surgeries and procedures for mainly heart issues. in 2014 I received the diagnose of thyroid cancer and my husband did do a good job picking up the slack at the time. My cancer ended up being stage III because it had spread to my lymph nodes  

I got better Except for the low Calcium I live with due my surgeons mistake with my parathyroids. My husband has continued to need more medical intervention. I literally tried to out run a cancer diagnose. I usually run 3 times a week. Last July I found a lump above my left collarbone. I’m now back to the wait, medical test, wait some more.  Ultrasound says 2 hypoechoic noduals.  FNA is scheduled for November 6. I want them out and  biopsy now  

This is so hard. I feel like I’m going crazy. I can’t sleep and sweating all night. And my husband is not here at all for me this time. I think he gave all he could the last time. I find I’m on my own and still responsible for my husband. He has scheduled a procedure for 10/26/18 today. We made an ER trip a week ago for stomach problems and I have a job to try to keep. 

I called my daughter to see if she could get the day off to go with me to the biopsy. She will if possible. I wanted to post here because I read some other posters who are making it through alone. I need to deal with the cancer diagnose and possible recurrence, take care of my husband. Keep working everyday. Make his appointments and mine. I need input to learn to reach out and get some support. 

 

KarenMG

Hello

I am so sorry to hear that your family is so non supporting! It is hard to believe and understand why. How can they be so cruel? Do they mean to be? I am in a very similar situation as you and came here to write about it and saw your post. I also had major surgery, some chemo and a full course of radiation. Now I'm about to face additional treatments and don't feel 100% sure of whether to move forward. I didn't mean to make this reply about me, just wanted you to know that I am right there with you. I wish I knew what to say to help you and myself. 

I say just take the best care of yourself that you can and keep moving as much as possible and get out if ever possible. I find it is helpful but have to be careful to not over do it or I pay the next day. I will keep you in my thoughts dear. Bless you!

Karen

 

 

kat2013

Thinking of you

Ann, I read your post, and it has stuck with me. I hope things have gotten better for you. I am in a similar situation as far as having no real support. I am new here, and just learning this site, But I wanted you to know someone cares....even though we never met. I will be praying you find someone to care for you the way you deserve to be cared for. Much love, Kat

Nancyjean

kat2013 said:

Thinking of you

Ann, I read your post, and it has stuck with me. I hope things have gotten better for you. I am in a similar situation as far as having no real support. I am new here, and just learning this site, But I wanted you to know someone cares....even though we never met. I will be praying you find someone to care for you the way you deserve to be cared for. Much love, Kat

New here too

Hi kat2013

I am new here too. I am sorry you have no real support. This is very hard. I have some support from friends and family so I am lucky. 

But the alone feeling prevails. Cancer is so isolating...there isnt anyone to really talk to that understands chemo, cancer, the anxiety that comes and goes. I am desperately searching for support  in my community and may have found a few things. 

Maybe this forum will be helpful to us both...sending you postive energy. Nancyjean

kat2013

Nancyjean said:

New here too

Hi kat2013

I am new here too. I am sorry you have no real support. This is very hard. I have some support from friends and family so I am lucky. 

But the alone feeling prevails. Cancer is so isolating...there isnt anyone to really talk to that understands chemo, cancer, the anxiety that comes and goes. I am desperately searching for support  in my community and may have found a few things. 

Maybe this forum will be helpful to us both...sending you postive energy. Nancyjean

Hi!

Hi Nancyean.....It is so true about the feelings of isolation. Even when you have many people around, the fact is that only someone who is going through it too REALLY understands. I talk to my ister, and bless her heart she tries, but says things that just make me angry.. .What I mean is, that I have stage 4 kidney disease and my kidneys will fail soon. All of it was caused by radiation and chemo. I have constant sepsis infections and I am not a candidate for transplant. My immune system is non existant so even dyalysis may not help for long, Long story short, I an slowly dying. But she will say things like...."can't they just give you more antibiotics?" She just doesn't get it that I am resistant to almost all antibiotics (even vancomycin now) so I am getting the major antibiotics now, and it is only a matter of time before THOSE are not effective. She just can't wrap her head around it that I may die. That is why places like this are so important. We who are actually living it understand. I know exactly what you meant when you spoke of feeling isolated....even with having support. I have been desperateltly searching for support as well. If you want, we can be friends on here....I haven't added anyone yet, so you can be my first lol! I am in remission since 2014 from stage 4 urethral cancer. But since remission, I have had so many problems from the chemo and radiation (radical cysectomy because radiation ruined my bladder so I now have a urostomy which causes constant serious infections and no immune system to fight them) What type of cancer do/did you have? Please feel free to talk to me if you feel no one understands. I know you don't know me, but I will be happy to listen. I'll keep you in my prayers (and I mean that...not just saying it as some do lol) Take care Kat

kat2013

bunniebit said:

Care giver with cancer

i found this website searching for how to get through this chapter of my life.  To start with I have been married for 38 years to a guy who was always been pretty needy. He has had many surgeries and procedures for mainly heart issues. in 2014 I received the diagnose of thyroid cancer and my husband did do a good job picking up the slack at the time. My cancer ended up being stage III because it had spread to my lymph nodes  

I got better Except for the low Calcium I live with due my surgeons mistake with my parathyroids. My husband has continued to need more medical intervention. I literally tried to out run a cancer diagnose. I usually run 3 times a week. Last July I found a lump above my left collarbone. I’m now back to the wait, medical test, wait some more.  Ultrasound says 2 hypoechoic noduals.  FNA is scheduled for November 6. I want them out and  biopsy now  

This is so hard. I feel like I’m going crazy. I can’t sleep and sweating all night. And my husband is not here at all for me this time. I think he gave all he could the last time. I find I’m on my own and still responsible for my husband. He has scheduled a procedure for 10/26/18 today. We made an ER trip a week ago for stomach problems and I have a job to try to keep. 

I called my daughter to see if she could get the day off to go with me to the biopsy. She will if possible. I wanted to post here because I read some other posters who are making it through alone. I need to deal with the cancer diagnose and possible recurrence, take care of my husband. Keep working everyday. Make his appointments and mine. I need input to learn to reach out and get some support. 

 

Hi Bunniebit

I was wondering how you are doing? I know your comment is old, but if you need a friend, I am new here, but been through a lot and if you need an ear, just let me know ok? I hope this finds you doing much better

HydrangeaBlue

My husband is hit/miss with

My husband is hit/miss with his support of me.  After recovering from my mastectomy and making it through the first 3 rounds of Chemo, I decided that I could probably take myself to most appointments and started to do that.  He would be avaialble if needed due to driving concerns, but for most I went on my own.  For radiation, I stayed alone at Hope House (ACS facility next to my Cx center).  I found being on my own to be remarkably effective.  I didn't have to deal with his issues when I really needed to focus on me and what I needed.  When I got him, things were OK.  He still has his issues and I know I can't count of him totally. but in reality I could NEVER really count on him totally, that isn't because of my CX diagnosis, it is due to his own significant issues.  It is sad to have to be alone for much of this, but the alternative sometimes could be much worse than that.