Can open...worms everywhere!

LonelyOnly Member Posts: 11

Sooo...I am caring for my mom since her cancer diagnosis almost 6 mos. ago. It is terminal. She is mostly bed ridden so I have been unable to go back to work since I got laid off in July. (She was only receiving a small amount of SSI so it's not like we could hire someone to come in and take care of her) 

She and I have never had the easiest relationship and in fact there was/is a lot of unresolved pain from my childhood concerning her. Even today, she's not the most loving and appreciative person so it makes it very difficult to be taking care of her 24/7. 

I'm not a good pretender so instead of just smiling and helping her, I can be curt I'll admit. (Also, after months of taking her 3 meals a day in bed, emptying the potty, taking her to appointments etc. etc. I'm pretty sure I'm a little burned out). So tonight I meant to have a conversation about how I need to go back to work, and let her know that she can be rude sometimes...but it turned into me airing nearly every grievance I've ever had with her. Not really - I'm exaggerating. But she didn't take it well. Understandable, I guess. I wasn't mean, I didn't yell, but it was harsh stuff to hear I'm sure. 

I don't think I should've just swept my feelings under the rug, and if there was a better way to bring it up I guess it's too late to go back. 

I guess I'm just wondering if there are any others out there caring for a parent with this same type of dynamic.


  • Noellesmom
    Noellesmom Member Posts: 1,859 Member
    This happens

    Pretty sure others with your experience will check in here.

    All you can do is what you can do.

    Assuming your mom is bed-ridden? What is her prognosis? Days, weeks?

  • levigurl481
    levigurl481 Member Posts: 5
    My dad and I are similar. My

    My dad and I are similar. My mom is sick, and we have assumed her care for the time being but my dad and I DO NOT get along. All I can say is, it happens. Once, I ended up leaving for a few hours and clearing my head with another relative. But when I came back, things weren't fixed but they were resolved for the time being. Some parents will always treat you like their child and never like an adult, which sucks but is true. During times like this, we are going to lash out at eachother, but when we are done venting, it is important to remember that they are family. If you can forgive yourself for lashing out, it will be easier to start forgiving your mother. Even if you feel like your mother doesn't deserve it, do it for you and for the fact that she is sick. That way, you can go on to be the best person you can. Parents don't always express themselves the way the should or how we'd like them too. They do love us though, even if it's hard to see or feel. I'm sure your mother appreciates it but in many ways, doesn't know how to express it. Or, doen't realize how much things hurt you. That is her cross to bear. Don't let anger crowd this moment for you both. You are lucky to get to spend time with her and see her at her most vulnerable. That can be scary and she trusts you enough to let you see it.

  • janaes
    janaes Member Posts: 799 Member
    I would say that cancer is

    I would say that cancer is hard to deal with.  Whether you are the patient or the caregiver.  Emotions just happen.  Even anger.  I would say the same as leigurl and forgive yourself and your mom.  I was a patient and had cancer.  Mine wasnt terninal but I will tell you i said some really mean things to my mom  and her too, when she was caring for me and it would take a few days sometimes but we always seemed to work it out.  We love each other and needed eachother and i new it.   

  • Ladylacy
    Ladylacy Member Posts: 773 Member
    edited November 2016 #5

    No one ever said caregiving was easy.  During my mother's last two years of life she lived with us.  Something she didn't want to do, but she had no choice.  She wanted to live with my younger sister, but her husband wouldn't allow it.  She would always complain about me to my older sister and would say she wanted to live with our younger sister.  I was still working so it fell to my husband who said he didn't mind. He had the patience of a saint.   But week-ends were all mine and many times I couldn't wait to go back to work on Monday.  My mother raised us after my father left and he never paid any child support.  My brother on the other hand offered no help at all.  My mother expected you to do everything for her.   I remember the last night my mother was alert.  After I put her to bed, she called me back and told me she loved me something I don't remember her doing very often for which we always said it was the way her parents were.  In the morning when she went into a coma, I felt bad for things I said during the heat of the moment.  But my husband said she understood.

    Now I am dealing with my husband's death from cancer and some of the things I said during his last days when caregiving became too much.  I did it all, sons and their families no help and at times especially when he could no longer do for himself it really became hard.  But I would always apologize and said I loved him and I wasn't mad at him, just at the situation.  He said he understood but still as caregivers it does get to be too much at times and we do and say things we later regret. 

    You must remember to take care of yourself too because you are important too.  Is your mother on Medicare?  Hospice can be called in since you said she was terminal.  They can offer some assistance and provide all of her medications for the cancer only.  My husband was on hospice for almost two years before he passed.  It was in-home hospice.  When it came down to the end, they said he could go in-patient hospice, but that was something we didn't want and round the clock nursing was offered but I didn't want all those strangers coming in our home.  I realize that not all hospice organizations have their own in-patient facilities because I have had two friends lose their husbands recently and they didn't have an option for in-patient hospice.  Maybe you should check into hospice if your mother is terminal.  Ask her doctors.  Just know that once on hospice no further treatment is allowed except if it is a medical condition not dealing with the cancer then you have to notify hospice first.

    Wishing you peace and comfort

  • david54
    david54 Member Posts: 164 Member
    edited November 2016 #6
    Hi-this may sound a little

    Hi-this may sound a little selfish but I think how you relate and treat your mom now-will determine how you deal with your grief after her death. I'm not saying be a wall flower and take abuse. You have every right to set boundaries with your mom - that is taking care of yourself. I think sometimes there is a role reversal with parents who are ill. The caregiver (adult child) becomes the parent and the parent becomes the child. That was my experience with my mom.