I am pissed off!

Tlemetry
Tlemetry Member Posts: 5
in Breast Cancer #1

I have had 2 chemo treatments and my 'boy'friend who said he would be here for me through this crap bailed on me for both treatments.  There was a million lame **** excuses why he couldn't be there.  The first one I was REALLY scared and really needed him. It hurt so bad that he did that to me, but I shrugged it off and decided it wasn't worth the fight.  Second treatment he did the same thing.  He has given me a place to stay for the bad parts so he could 'take care' of me. Once I get my strength back, I drive 2 hrs back home. He is divorced with 2 wonderful children and they have seen me without a headwrap for thanksgiving. No one has said anything or asked uncomfortable questions.  They are ok with it. They havent said anything to him about it either. But tonight he asked me to wear a headwrap around the kids... so I don't scare them.  They are 12 and 16.  Why does this hurt so much?

Do I embarass him?  

Comments

  • twnkltoz
    twnkltoz Member Posts: 169 Member
    #2
    I'm so sorry... Sounds like

    I'm so sorry... Sounds like he's showing you his true colors. Know the problem is him, not you. Can you get by without his "help"?

  • jen_972
    jen_972 Member Posts: 8
    #3
    he doesnt deserve you.. be

    he doesnt deserve you.. be strong.. its very hard but you have come through worst part in your life and you need who can love and support you rather than think of you as embarasement which you are not.

  • aisling8
    aisling8 Member Posts: 1,627 Member
    #4
    jen_972 said:

    he doesnt deserve you.. be

    he doesnt deserve you.. be strong.. its very hard but you have come through worst part in your life and you need who can love and support you rather than think of you as embarasement which you are not.

    Sending you a big huge hug

    And lots of energy to walk your path. 

    I'm really sorry this is happening to you. I'm sure you're wonderfully beautiful without a head scarf. 

    xoxo

    Victoria

  • button2
    button2 Member Posts: 421
    #5
    Whether you embarrass him or

    Whether you embarrass him or not is not the issue. Some people pay lip service to helping during tough times, but they don't follow through with action. If I were you, I would find another relative to go to chemo with. This is a very temporary situation and you should not have to deal with this right now. Don't ask him again to go with you, just say you will be going with your sister, friend, whoever. After you have finished your fight in a few months, you can see where you stand together. Personally, I think those kids are old enough to handle seeing you bald (I could see upsetting a 5 year old), but if it makes things any easier, maybe you should wear a scarf. This isn't the time for quarrelling esp during the holidays. Good luck!

  • LouisaP
    LouisaP Member Posts: 62
    #6
    button2 said:

    Whether you embarrass him or

    Whether you embarrass him or not is not the issue. Some people pay lip service to helping during tough times, but they don't follow through with action. If I were you, I would find another relative to go to chemo with. This is a very temporary situation and you should not have to deal with this right now. Don't ask him again to go with you, just say you will be going with your sister, friend, whoever. After you have finished your fight in a few months, you can see where you stand together. Personally, I think those kids are old enough to handle seeing you bald (I could see upsetting a 5 year old), but if it makes things any easier, maybe you should wear a scarf. This isn't the time for quarrelling esp during the holidays. Good luck!

    I thought I'd scare my 4yr

    I can't say for sure but mabe the whole cancer thing is freaking him out & he's scared or a list of other things. Too bad he doesn't want to discuss it. Maybe the truth isn't good for the 2 of you. Ask him to truthfully tell you if it would be better for you to stay elsewhere. Tell him you deserve the truth & then you have to accept it even if it's not the answer you want. Then at least you have choices for your future. I thought I'd scare my 4yr old grandson by being bald. He accidently saw me & asked me why I cut my hair off. He had his head shaved so he took it as I got a short haircut. He likes wearing my wigs & seeing my hair grow. He even said he likes me better bald than with the wigs. His 5yr old friend saw me, I forgot to cover, he said "you have no hair" I was starting to answer & he just walked away. He didn't care, he was just commenting, lol. These kids surprised me. I wasn't scary at all. But you never know with older kids. Wear a head covering around them. That's not such a big deal.

  • Tlemetry
    Tlemetry Member Posts: 5
    #7
    Thank you for listening and

    Thank you for listening and your very suportive comments.

    I did have a talk with him and he admitted that he was being protective.  He was afraid the kids would say something mean and he would have lost it on them. He was trying to avoid an awkward situation with the kids.  It still hurt.  But he also admitted that seeing me bald is a reminder that Im sick and he is helpless to do anything about it.   I explained that what I need him to do 'ABOUT' it was to hold me and tell me it will be ok.  to BE HERE.  He is trying.  I packed up and told him I would leave when the kids were here but he wouldn't let me go.  He said he was sorry for hurting my feelings and he said I was beautiful.  I broke into tears and he thought he said the wrong thing again... LOL

     

    I know this is hard on him too, but I don't like feeling ignored or pushed away. I hate this crap.

  • Tlemetry
    Tlemetry Member Posts: 5
    #8
    twnkltoz said:

    I'm so sorry... Sounds like

    I'm so sorry... Sounds like he's showing you his true colors. Know the problem is him, not you. Can you get by without his "help"?

    No, not really. 
     
    He was my

    No, not really. 

     

    He was my high school sweetheart and we have known each other 30 yrs.  He is my best friend. 

    His problem is that when he can't cope, he runs away...  Its so hard to deal with without the cancer issue.  

    for the last 2 yrs its been him needing me.  Now I need him, its a whole different environment.

     

  • Tlemetry
    Tlemetry Member Posts: 5
    #9
    jen_972 said:

    he doesnt deserve you.. be

    he doesnt deserve you.. be strong.. its very hard but you have come through worst part in your life and you need who can love and support you rather than think of you as embarasement which you are not.

    Thank you.
    We talked about

    Thank you.

    We talked about it, its still not fixed but he is trying.

     

    I wish I could say this is the worst part of my life...  I had my 5 yr old son run over by my car and spend years in burn units with skin graphs...  Compared to that, this is somewhat of a piece of cake.  I tell myself that Im so thankful that its me having to do it, rather than watch someone I love go through it. 

    went to walmart today, got lots of stares and weird looks...  My son got that a lot, he was burned on his face and had to wear a mask.  I forgot what that felt like till today.

     

     

  • Tlemetry
    Tlemetry Member Posts: 5
    #10
    button2 said:

    Whether you embarrass him or

    Whether you embarrass him or not is not the issue. Some people pay lip service to helping during tough times, but they don't follow through with action. If I were you, I would find another relative to go to chemo with. This is a very temporary situation and you should not have to deal with this right now. Don't ask him again to go with you, just say you will be going with your sister, friend, whoever. After you have finished your fight in a few months, you can see where you stand together. Personally, I think those kids are old enough to handle seeing you bald (I could see upsetting a 5 year old), but if it makes things any easier, maybe you should wear a scarf. This isn't the time for quarrelling esp during the holidays. Good luck!

    Thank you
    He said it reminded

    Thank you

    He said it reminded him how helpless he is...  The scarf or hat lets him forget.  

     

    I wont ask him to go to the next one, if he wants to be there he will... otherwise I have done it solo so far, I can do it again.

    I do need his help and I am very thankful for what he can do. 

     

     

  • disneyfan2008
    disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member
    #11
    So sorry he bailed on

    So sorry he bailed on you...for treatments-I am sure the kids are old enough to understand...no scaring kids at that age...with some medical side effects.

     

    I wish you the best....

    Denise

  • disneyfan2008
    disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member
    #12
    Tlemetry said:

    Thank you.
    We talked about

    Thank you.

    We talked about it, its still not fixed but he is trying.

     

    I wish I could say this is the worst part of my life...  I had my 5 yr old son run over by my car and spend years in burn units with skin graphs...  Compared to that, this is somewhat of a piece of cake.  I tell myself that Im so thankful that its me having to do it, rather than watch someone I love go through it. 

    went to walmart today, got lots of stares and weird looks...  My son got that a lot, he was burned on his face and had to wear a mask.  I forgot what that felt like till today.

     

     

    Sorry for what you went

    Sorry for what you went through with your son.

     

    AS far as people staring-be proud you are going forward with treatment!

     

    Denise

  • disneyfan2008
    disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member
    #13
    button2 said:

    Whether you embarrass him or

    Whether you embarrass him or not is not the issue. Some people pay lip service to helping during tough times, but they don't follow through with action. If I were you, I would find another relative to go to chemo with. This is a very temporary situation and you should not have to deal with this right now. Don't ask him again to go with you, just say you will be going with your sister, friend, whoever. After you have finished your fight in a few months, you can see where you stand together. Personally, I think those kids are old enough to handle seeing you bald (I could see upsetting a 5 year old), but if it makes things any easier, maybe you should wear a scarf. This isn't the time for quarrelling esp during the holidays. Good luck!

    I agree 110% withyou

    I agree 110% withyou button2

     

    well said...

     

    Denise

  • disneyfan2008
    disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member
    #14
    Tlemetry said:

    Thank you for listening and

    Thank you for listening and your very suportive comments.

    I did have a talk with him and he admitted that he was being protective.  He was afraid the kids would say something mean and he would have lost it on them. He was trying to avoid an awkward situation with the kids.  It still hurt.  But he also admitted that seeing me bald is a reminder that Im sick and he is helpless to do anything about it.   I explained that what I need him to do 'ABOUT' it was to hold me and tell me it will be ok.  to BE HERE.  He is trying.  I packed up and told him I would leave when the kids were here but he wouldn't let me go.  He said he was sorry for hurting my feelings and he said I was beautiful.  I broke into tears and he thought he said the wrong thing again... LOL

     

    I know this is hard on him too, but I don't like feeling ignored or pushed away. I hate this crap.

    Try a journal, I got one as a

    Try a journal, I got one as a gift from teh cancer center (radioation only , so I can't compare to what you are goingn through). At first I thougth the journal was silly and goofy, but in hindsight it was helpful.

     

    Denise

  • disneyfan2008
    disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member
    #15
    Tlemetry said:

    Thank you
    He said it reminded

    Thank you

    He said it reminded him how helpless he is...  The scarf or hat lets him forget.  

     

    I wont ask him to go to the next one, if he wants to be there he will... otherwise I have done it solo so far, I can do it again.

    I do need his help and I am very thankful for what he can do. 

     

     

    You are the onen going

    You are the onen going through the treartment..YES, it's hard on family...hopefully he steps it up...hugs...

     

    The kids aro old enough to understand , even if they ask questions..

     

    When I was going through radaiton at so called friend of my daughters' (then 15 yrs old) said I can't wait for your mom to lose all her hair...just to be mean and nasty and hurtful. (friend was old enough to know how awlful that was)

    Maybe you could approach the kids and say "do you have any questions" if you feel you could handle them-it's new to everyone involved.

    Densie..

  • CyndiJW
    CyndiJW Member Posts: 53
    #16
    I'm sorry, but he's a ****

    Really, I am so very sorry, but this guy isn't going to help you through this ordeal. You need to cut bait & run...as far away as you can get, both emotionally & physically. God, I'm so sorry to seem the first to break this to you, but honestly, this guy is going to do NOTHING to support you in the future with your current health crisis. All he is going to do is be repelled & make you feel worse about yourself and what you're going through with your health. Forgive my language but this is extremely important: LEAVE THIS DUDE IN THE DUST! As quickly as possible!  There really are some great available guys out there. They just don't act like this one. Would never DREAM of acting like this!

  • Vicki Lynn
    Vicki Lynn Member Posts: 1
    #17
    Tlemetry said:

    Thank you for listening and

    Thank you for listening and your very suportive comments.

    I did have a talk with him and he admitted that he was being protective.  He was afraid the kids would say something mean and he would have lost it on them. He was trying to avoid an awkward situation with the kids.  It still hurt.  But he also admitted that seeing me bald is a reminder that Im sick and he is helpless to do anything about it.   I explained that what I need him to do 'ABOUT' it was to hold me and tell me it will be ok.  to BE HERE.  He is trying.  I packed up and told him I would leave when the kids were here but he wouldn't let me go.  He said he was sorry for hurting my feelings and he said I was beautiful.  I broke into tears and he thought he said the wrong thing again... LOL

     

    I know this is hard on him too, but I don't like feeling ignored or pushed away. I hate this crap.

    You think you know someone

    Hi everyone, this is my first post here. I am not new this though.  I am 59 years old and I was diagnosed in Nov 1998. Spent most of 99 in treatment  for advanced stage 2 IDC. No nodes 15 removed. I've been with my husband for 43 years. In April  2012 I was diagnosed with advanced stage IV. With bone only metastasis but it covers about 70% of my bones. My husband had been caring for me all along until almost 2 years ago  when he started to complain of the driving, missing work and generally not wanting to go. It was ok though I missed him being there.  My children stepped up and took over. At the time I couldn't drive. My husband began going on Friday nights to a card game at a friends house in the next County.  Being too far to drive home so late plus having beer to drink meant no driving anyway.  So this went on for a very long time until coming home Saturday turned into Sunday. I knew he was avoiding me as much as possible.  I couldn't do much, well according to him, I couldn't do anything. The last straw came this NewYear. He left early for work,actually as soon as he heard me stir he was out the door. That afternoon he didn't return from work and I didn't hear from him again until I calied him at work on Monday afternoon. I never had any reason in 43 years to think my husband was lying to me. He was someone of great character. Well, no longer. I finally demanded to know what was going on . Was it another women?  And yes of course it was . I got this on the phone.  Probably a good thing because I had a real breakdown.  Destroyed many things. I think I cried for a month straight. Then about 3 weeks ago I found out it was my old best friend. It doesn't get much worse unless it's a relative I guess. So as I continue fighting for my 18th year against this horrible disease, I'm running out of options.  The chemo I just tried was too painful and debilitating.  I'm not sure other than trials we can try. So when he disappoints you again you definitely  better off taking yourself  (like I did) so you don't set yourself up. People react to illness, especially cancer I think  in sometimes rather irrational  ways. Many times it's just too much. Children are a little easier to tell how they feel because they look down or away when it's too much. They don't hide as much.  The man I was positive would be there till the end won't be. We can only text message now, and I bet that is over too. I have called the Lawyer.  It's so sad. Because even after all this I still love him. I can't help that. Although feelings aren't mutual. So I go it alone. Hard. But doable.  I wish you the best of luck on your fight.

    Vicki Lynn 

  • ronfryk
    ronfryk Member Posts: 1
    #18
    Don't add stress or anxiety

    Obviously your current boyfriend has problems living up to his responsibilities, and gives verbal massaging.  He does not live up to his oaths or commitments, thus the divorce.  You are better off letting this crawfish leave your life and finding someone who really cares about you and your health.  Men are like ostrich's when it comes to adversity, most will stick their heads in the sand.  Since you are fond of his children an explanation about your situation is in order as well as why you will not be seeing them any longer.  Don't embarrass your loser in front of his children, just leave.

  • EZLiving66
    EZLiving66 Member Posts: 1,483 Member
    #19
    Vicki Lynn said:

    You think you know someone

    Hi everyone, this is my first post here. I am not new this though.  I am 59 years old and I was diagnosed in Nov 1998. Spent most of 99 in treatment  for advanced stage 2 IDC. No nodes 15 removed. I've been with my husband for 43 years. In April  2012 I was diagnosed with advanced stage IV. With bone only metastasis but it covers about 70% of my bones. My husband had been caring for me all along until almost 2 years ago  when he started to complain of the driving, missing work and generally not wanting to go. It was ok though I missed him being there.  My children stepped up and took over. At the time I couldn't drive. My husband began going on Friday nights to a card game at a friends house in the next County.  Being too far to drive home so late plus having beer to drink meant no driving anyway.  So this went on for a very long time until coming home Saturday turned into Sunday. I knew he was avoiding me as much as possible.  I couldn't do much, well according to him, I couldn't do anything. The last straw came this NewYear. He left early for work,actually as soon as he heard me stir he was out the door. That afternoon he didn't return from work and I didn't hear from him again until I calied him at work on Monday afternoon. I never had any reason in 43 years to think my husband was lying to me. He was someone of great character. Well, no longer. I finally demanded to know what was going on . Was it another women?  And yes of course it was . I got this on the phone.  Probably a good thing because I had a real breakdown.  Destroyed many things. I think I cried for a month straight. Then about 3 weeks ago I found out it was my old best friend. It doesn't get much worse unless it's a relative I guess. So as I continue fighting for my 18th year against this horrible disease, I'm running out of options.  The chemo I just tried was too painful and debilitating.  I'm not sure other than trials we can try. So when he disappoints you again you definitely  better off taking yourself  (like I did) so you don't set yourself up. People react to illness, especially cancer I think  in sometimes rather irrational  ways. Many times it's just too much. Children are a little easier to tell how they feel because they look down or away when it's too much. They don't hide as much.  The man I was positive would be there till the end won't be. We can only text message now, and I bet that is over too. I have called the Lawyer.  It's so sad. Because even after all this I still love him. I can't help that. Although feelings aren't mutual. So I go it alone. Hard. But doable.  I wish you the best of luck on your fight.

    Vicki Lynn 

    I am so sorry, Vicki Lynn.

    I am so sorry, Vicki Lynn.  I'm glad you're going to the lawyer because you now need to think of yourself!  I was at my doctor's office yesterday and she asked me how my husband was doing with my cancer because she said many men don't deal with it very well.  I understand you still love him but, you're right, if the feelings aren't mutual there's not much you can do.  You still have your children and I'm sure, some friends you can lean on.  (((Vicki Lynn)))

    Love,

    Eldri

  • twnkltoz
    twnkltoz Member Posts: 169 Member
    #20
    Vicki Lynn said:

    You think you know someone

    Hi everyone, this is my first post here. I am not new this though.  I am 59 years old and I was diagnosed in Nov 1998. Spent most of 99 in treatment  for advanced stage 2 IDC. No nodes 15 removed. I've been with my husband for 43 years. In April  2012 I was diagnosed with advanced stage IV. With bone only metastasis but it covers about 70% of my bones. My husband had been caring for me all along until almost 2 years ago  when he started to complain of the driving, missing work and generally not wanting to go. It was ok though I missed him being there.  My children stepped up and took over. At the time I couldn't drive. My husband began going on Friday nights to a card game at a friends house in the next County.  Being too far to drive home so late plus having beer to drink meant no driving anyway.  So this went on for a very long time until coming home Saturday turned into Sunday. I knew he was avoiding me as much as possible.  I couldn't do much, well according to him, I couldn't do anything. The last straw came this NewYear. He left early for work,actually as soon as he heard me stir he was out the door. That afternoon he didn't return from work and I didn't hear from him again until I calied him at work on Monday afternoon. I never had any reason in 43 years to think my husband was lying to me. He was someone of great character. Well, no longer. I finally demanded to know what was going on . Was it another women?  And yes of course it was . I got this on the phone.  Probably a good thing because I had a real breakdown.  Destroyed many things. I think I cried for a month straight. Then about 3 weeks ago I found out it was my old best friend. It doesn't get much worse unless it's a relative I guess. So as I continue fighting for my 18th year against this horrible disease, I'm running out of options.  The chemo I just tried was too painful and debilitating.  I'm not sure other than trials we can try. So when he disappoints you again you definitely  better off taking yourself  (like I did) so you don't set yourself up. People react to illness, especially cancer I think  in sometimes rather irrational  ways. Many times it's just too much. Children are a little easier to tell how they feel because they look down or away when it's too much. They don't hide as much.  The man I was positive would be there till the end won't be. We can only text message now, and I bet that is over too. I have called the Lawyer.  It's so sad. Because even after all this I still love him. I can't help that. Although feelings aren't mutual. So I go it alone. Hard. But doable.  I wish you the best of luck on your fight.

    Vicki Lynn 

    That is terrible. I'm so

    That is terrible. I'm so sorry he did that to you, as well as for your ongoing fight. Sending you hugs and love and healing thoughts!

  • Double Whammy
    Double Whammy Member Posts: 2,832 Member
    #21
    ronfryk said:

    Don't add stress or anxiety

    Obviously your current boyfriend has problems living up to his responsibilities, and gives verbal massaging.  He does not live up to his oaths or commitments, thus the divorce.  You are better off letting this crawfish leave your life and finding someone who really cares about you and your health.  Men are like ostrich's when it comes to adversity, most will stick their heads in the sand.  Since you are fond of his children an explanation about your situation is in order as well as why you will not be seeing them any longer.  Don't embarrass your loser in front of his children, just leave.

    How dare they!!

    Both of them.  The woman is your "old best friend"?  Really?  How dare she!  I am enranged.  How dare your husband of 43 years NOT be there for you?  How dare he throw this up to you when you least need to know!  What about the "in sickness and in health" part?  I'm so sorry you're having to face this ultimate betrayal when your health is in such dire straights and you need the love and support of the man you have trusted and loved for so long and maybe even that "old best friend" might have offered support instead of sleeping with your husband.   This really makes me angry.  Stupid, stupid people!  It is simply unnecessary to hurt someone like this.  What on earth were they thinking?  That it would be ok?  Hardly!

    Suzanne

     

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