Haunted

Duggie88

Haunted may not be the proper word but lately I feel cancer is always around me effecting friends and co-workers sort of like look I’m over here. Some of you may remember I said I worked with a guy who has esophageal cancer and another guy whose wife had cervical cancer. Well my co-workers wife past away and he retired early just to get out of the rat race we face with our job and live peacefully, the other guy also took early retirement to live out his bucket list with plans (if his health allows) to take his whole family to Disney World in the fall. Back at the end of March one of our secretaries went home from work and woke up in the middle of the night and felt numb on the whole right side of her body. She is now in the hospital ready to go into hospice with a very aggressive brain cancer. They will remove her feeding tube and make her comfortable for her remaining time with us. Needless to say I thought with 3 of 9 working in the same building and coming down with cancer but all different types, we needed to test the air quality. Turns out we have better air than in some area hospitals.

I use to frequent this great site on a regular basis and although I only ever met one person from here, I felt a never breaking bond. People we have met on here were confronted with a battle they weren’t able to survive and my heart broke because of a connection that grabbed us and bonded us together. My wife has asked me why I put myself through the pain of losing a fellow warrior and all I could tell her it was something she would and I hope will never have to understand. One of our fellow warriors would pass and I could escape the heart ache and not visit the site for a while. But now I feel cancer is saying you can’t turn me off, you can leave CSN but I am all around you and I am stronger than some individuals and I will take who I want when I want.

I personally beat the F---ing beast and many times lately I have asked myself why was I able to when so many can’t. Don’t get me wrong I’m not afraid of cancer nor will I allow it to control my life other than with my thoughts, hopes and prayers for others. However I hate the control it takes from others. Retirement is not very far off and like our brother Bill, I will volunteer with hopes of helping others.

It’s been said that occasionally you need to speak from the heart and although the people your relaying your thoughts to never have to say a word, just relaying your thoughts is good therapy. I have now vented. I am starting today better than I felt yesterday. Time to finish my coffee and get to work. Thanks for being here, many depend on you.

Enjoy the day……………..I enjoy every one of them.

      Jeff

KTeacher

Well said

All I can say is well stated.  It seems that we all go through these periods.  I am so thankful for this site, the support and friendships.  I am also very sorry for the losses that we encounter.  At this point I can try to be supportive.

TracyLynn72

Agreed.

I could have written that myself.   I just said to my husband that I am so grateful and thankful to be cancer free, but I feel such a guilt about it sometimes when I see so many suffering.  He reminded me that I fought HARD, did not have it easy and was mercifully healed.  I know that is all true, but it truly hurts me to see so many people dealing with this nasty disease. 

debbiejeanne

Jeff, you said it all so

Jeff, you said it all so well.  and you are absolutely right, cancer is all around us.  I cannot believe all the people I know personally who have had cancer and the many who have gone to heaven.  In the last 12 months I lost 4 friends to cancer.  I pray that everyone who is dx finds this site or another one like it because I truly believe it can help them.  I found this site after my tx and i missed out on critical information due to that.  We are a family here and we do grow to love and care about our members.  I'm very glad for this site and I know it helps someone everyday.  Thank you Jeff for sharing your feelings and know that we all share those same feelings.  Its sad that cancer has such a huge hold on this world.  I will continue to pray for all and that a cure is found soon.

God bless all,

dj

hwt

debbiejeanne said:

Jeff, you said it all so

Jeff, you said it all so well.  and you are absolutely right, cancer is all around us.  I cannot believe all the people I know personally who have had cancer and the many who have gone to heaven.  In the last 12 months I lost 4 friends to cancer.  I pray that everyone who is dx finds this site or another one like it because I truly believe it can help them.  I found this site after my tx and i missed out on critical information due to that.  We are a family here and we do grow to love and care about our members.  I'm very glad for this site and I know it helps someone everyday.  Thank you Jeff for sharing your feelings and know that we all share those same feelings.  Its sad that cancer has such a huge hold on this world.  I will continue to pray for all and that a cure is found soon.

God bless all,

dj

Jeff

Ditto......today is a gift, rejoice in it

MrsBD

Haunted

Yes, cancer is all around us, but so are heart disease, mental illness, kidney failure. We are just more attuned to "our" disease. That said, cancer does seem to lurk around every corner. If not knowing someone with it, there's the nagging fear of recurrance or the little (or large) daily struggles to remind us we are not quite normal anymore. There is the survivor's guilt of being the one who beat it. There's also the guilt of "Whew, I'm glad I didn't have that side effect." when you hear of others' troubles. Why do some have such a rough go while others have a simpler time? Many people do say they feel cancer was a blessing.  I lean toward that side. It hasn't been an easy journey, but I have never felt so loved. Blessing! There was no surgery needed. Blessing! No PEG. Blessing! I lost 40 pounds. Blessing! My blood pressure and blood sugar are normal. The eye doctor even said my glasses are too strong for me now. Why am I so blessed? God is the only one who knows. I do feel the need to express my gratefulness so, like Bill and others,  I volunteer as a parenting teacher,  a classroom helper, at church, and I blog for a local cancer center. And despite the sadness of losing fellow CSNers, I plan to stay on this site to help the newbies like I was helped. I'm glad you vented. It made all of us think a little more deeply today.

Beth

wmc

So eloquently put Jeff

Jeff that was so well worded, thank you.

I do understand what you said and even feel. I feel I had it so much easier than most I would even feel guilty in the begining. Then some reminded me that I too did go through a lot, just different. The hardest part for me, and also most of us who stay is , when we here we are giong to loose someone who we never met, but has become like family. It often brings tears to my eyes, but that is the one who needs us the most. The new person who was just told "You Have Cancer" and is just so scarred and in shock. They need someone to let them know it will be ok, damn rough trip, but you can survive. The wonderful person who had it come back for the forth time....... and has to fight once again. 

They say "Until you walk in my shoes you wont know what I an going through" and that is so true. For me I knew what I had to do going into surgery, and I new in my heart I would be fine. I also knew I was ok if I did not make it, for I was at peace and had a good life. I joined after I had recovered and returned to work, but still had things to deal with even tho I had accepted it, it was still something I live with every day. I still have to think each time I swallow liquid as I have asperated too many times and then I cough until I turn red, so I thing before I swallow and most likely always will.

This site has so many that I feel like are my extended family and has help me through some tough times. I need for me, to be there for others. If what I have learned and how to accept this will hepl others then I need to shair what I have learned. I have also seen there is so many kind and carrying people in the world and they are all on this site. Thank you all.

Bill

wolfen

wmc said:

So eloquently put Jeff

Jeff that was so well worded, thank you.

I do understand what you said and even feel. I feel I had it so much easier than most I would even feel guilty in the begining. Then some reminded me that I too did go through a lot, just different. The hardest part for me, and also most of us who stay is , when we here we are giong to loose someone who we never met, but has become like family. It often brings tears to my eyes, but that is the one who needs us the most. The new person who was just told "You Have Cancer" and is just so scarred and in shock. They need someone to let them know it will be ok, damn rough trip, but you can survive. The wonderful person who had it come back for the forth time....... and has to fight once again. 

They say "Until you walk in my shoes you wont know what I an going through" and that is so true. For me I knew what I had to do going into surgery, and I new in my heart I would be fine. I also knew I was ok if I did not make it, for I was at peace and had a good life. I joined after I had recovered and returned to work, but still had things to deal with even tho I had accepted it, it was still something I live with every day. I still have to think each time I swallow liquid as I have asperated too many times and then I cough until I turn red, so I thing before I swallow and most likely always will.

This site has so many that I feel like are my extended family and has help me through some tough times. I need for me, to be there for others. If what I have learned and how to accept this will hepl others then I need to shair what I have learned. I have also seen there is so many kind and carrying people in the world and they are all on this site. Thank you all.

Bill

Haunted Is The Perfect Word

Be honest. Before cancer made it's deadly visit to us or our loved ones, how many of us gave it a second thought? Sure, we knew it was "out there", but not close to us. After it came "home to roost" twice for my family, unfortunately it was a big wake up call and now I see it lurking around every corner. Certainly not the way any of us wanted to learn first hand.

I was thinking yesterday how sad that my every waking thought is dominated by the death of my husband and daughter and the cause of their deaths. I give praise to those of you who do not let it dominate your lives. It is very hard for me, but I am trying.

You cannot know how much I appreciate each and every one of you here for the love and support you have given me all these years. Without you, I would certainly be crazier than I am.

I will always offer whatever support I can, even if it's only a hug. I hesitate to answer some questions posed by "newbies" as the end result of my experience would surely dash their hopes.

Luv,

Wolfen

Loves2read

Thank you

Thanks for your thoughts. As others have said on this thread, I think we are more attuned to cancer in friends, co-workers and loved ones after living through this disease ourselves (or caregiving in our homes). Some nights I feel haunted, when I lie in bed with questions swirling through my mind about treatments, future risks for recurrence, whether changing lifestyle would help, etc... 

I do also think that just by sharing what you're thinking on this board, or elsewhere, definitely plays a part in the healing process. Sometimes all it takes is for someone else to read and make a connection. Those connections heal.

We just finished my husband's treatment for tonsil cancer in Feb/March, and now learned that my mother will be treated for a rare abdominal cancer very soon. None of this is fair, but we keep on carrying on, learning as much as we can, and remain grateful for the warriors and volunteers who help usher us through to healing.

Thanks again for putting your thoughts out there. You are not alone!

-E

CivilMatt

haunted

Dearest Jeff,

Haunted is a pretty good word.  I know cancer paid an unfriendly visit to me and to our friends on here.  I am sorry about your coworkers, it is never easy.  You just hope for a good outcome.  Some truly beautiful people pass through our lives, it is the fortunate who enjoy their friends and family and coworkers. 

I am glad you beat the beast, for me I am not comfortable using the cured word yet. That crap snuck up on me once and I’m afraid I’ll jinx things if I get too comfortable.  For now I’ll just stay positive and watch my P’s and Q’s, whatever that means.

This site has been a good influence on me, I’ve met some really nice people and share with them things that ordinary people don’t understand.  They can thank their lucky stars that they don’t understand.

Take care big guy.

Matt

jim and i

Hi Jeff, my husband was one

Hi Jeff, my husband was one that lost the battle 15 months ago. This past Friday my mother lost the battle to lung cancer. She never smoked. My grandmother died from esophogus cancer. I hate cancer. I used to follow CSN everyday but since loosing Jim I am a monthly visitor and now since loosing mom probably a rare visitor. I would not have survived the losses I have experienced with out the help of Jesus and my CSN friends. May God provide a cure soon.

Debbie

donfoo

living real

Each day we see suffering and know suffering of others all around us. It is difficult to think about the challenges they have living each day. On the other hand, we need to celebrate each day we have in the most positive way we can. If nothing we, they may live vicariously through us and we have a responsibility to be the steward for making every day a good one for all.