I am struggling to survive

clacy

I feel as though I have fallen down a deep, deep well. There is just enough water that I can't reach the bottom. There s no way to climb out and I can't see any one To rescue me, so I am just treading water. I am getting so tired I am not sure how much longer I can keep it up. So tired, everything hurts, I need rest, but if I fall asleep I will drown. Not sure how long I can keep moving. I see no future no hope. Just want to let go and give up.

it is my husband that has the cancer, but his anger and hatefulness cause me so much pain that I am now physically ill, from living with it every day.

tal16201968

I believe that you can tread

I believe that you can tread water for a far longer time than you think you can.  I do not say that lightly.  All we can do, ever, is take one step (one tread) at a time, take a deep breath with each one, and move forward, thinking only about the next step and not five or 10 down the road.

 

I am pulling for you, and I know so many on this site are.  My husband is ill, a warrior.  It is a long haul.  Love to you and your family.

jen2012

From looking at your profile

From looking at your profile , it looks like your husband has colorectal cancer?  Mine too, diagnosed stage 4 in August 2012. It has not been an easy road by any means.  We have two teenagers and a three yr old.  The baby wasn't even a yr when he was diagnosed.  It sucks and his biggest fear is not seeing the baby grow up.  I have too many fears to put into words.  But you do get through.  We have had many difficult times since his diagnosis and many wonderful times.  Life is not the same, but we have no control.   sometimes I feel like shouting at people with life plans...ha you have no idea how quickly those plans can change! 

how is your husband doing?  Surgery, treatment?  Stage?  There is a pretty active colorectal board here if you have any questions.

try to breathe and take one day at a time.  There will be many ups and downs. Your husband may need an antidepressant to help him deal...and you may too,  try to do one little thing a day for yourself...a walk a bath, long shower, something to help you unwind.  And remember you can always come here to vent and release some fear and anger.  We do get it.

clacy

jen2012 said:

From looking at your profile

From looking at your profile , it looks like your husband has colorectal cancer?  Mine too, diagnosed stage 4 in August 2012. It has not been an easy road by any means.  We have two teenagers and a three yr old.  The baby wasn't even a yr when he was diagnosed.  It sucks and his biggest fear is not seeing the baby grow up.  I have too many fears to put into words.  But you do get through.  We have had many difficult times since his diagnosis and many wonderful times.  Life is not the same, but we have no control.   sometimes I feel like shouting at people with life plans...ha you have no idea how quickly those plans can change! 

how is your husband doing?  Surgery, treatment?  Stage?  There is a pretty active colorectal board here if you have any questions.

try to breathe and take one day at a time.  There will be many ups and downs. Your husband may need an antidepressant to help him deal...and you may too,  try to do one little thing a day for yourself...a walk a bath, long shower, something to help you unwind.  And remember you can always come here to vent and release some fear and anger.  We do get it.

He is cancer free just doing follow up, but does not believe it

He had Chemo/Radiation treatments for 3 months, followed by two surgeries that were 9 days apart. They say they got it all the second time, but want him to go through chemo again just to be sure it does not return. He is adament that he still has cancer or they would not be insisting on the chemo. I went with him to talk to the oncologist several times and each time I tell him that my husband is sure he still has cancer and will be lucky to live 2 full years. The oncologist alwaays says why are you so negative? we got it all you are cured. We just want to be sure that it does not come back. If you make it 5 years without it returning this type of cancer is 99% sure it will not come back ever. Then we get home and my husband says that the doctor just told him he stilll has residual cancer cells and that means he still hass cancer. The last time I could not go with him, because I had another appoinntment. He comes home ane tells me he still has cancer and they are staarting his treatments back up in two weeks. It is like he hears every other word and makes his own story. He got a lot of attention in the beginning and when the doctors declared him cancer free he stopped getting so much attentionn from everyone. Also they told me to stop doing things for him and make him get up and do for himself. They said he would never get his strength and energy back if he was aloowed to sit around and be waited on hand and foot. He needs to get strong, to make it through the chemo. This makes him furious. He saays that is wrong, and he needs to rest up for three days straight so he can make it through work the next 4 days. Then he complains because he is so tired and wants to know why he is not getting his energy back. He decides what he wants to be true and then makes up his mind that it is. If I do what the doctors tell me he gets so mad at me and calls me names and says I am a lier. He has a colostomy now and he does not do what they tell him he needs to do and then he cries and wines because it is not working right. Then I say have you been using your med twice a day like the said? He will look straight at me and say yes. Then I look at him and say  you did not fix it this morning and I know you did not do it tonight. Then it's oh I forgot. He did not forget, he just did not feel like it and the got sick and then lied about it. It is like living with a two year old child at timess.

Terri Sue

I do understand your thinking

Yes, it is overwhelming to keep positive, pleasant, and patient with our loved ones.  I too find myself just wanting to sleep my life away so I don't have to deal with the constant moaning, groaning, swearing, chatting to himself, slamming doors,........  All I can say is, "In time this too shall pass."  I know when the passing comes I will reflect upon the issues and miss my husband along with all of his annoyances and my sleepless nights.  Hang in there and remember, we are all praying and rooting for you, others, survivors, victums, and myself.  We are a family here and families support each other.

LindaK.

Sorry

Your story makes me so sad.  I am on the other side, my husband passed away 11/2/14.  Another widow friend of mine told me when he went into hospice "It's going to get worse" and I didn't believe her.  I should have,  it did get worse.  As much as you feel like it's bad now, it does get worse.  I miss my husband terribly.  I would give anything for another day to have him back with me rather than in an urn in my bedroom.

Sorry to be so blunt, but it's true

Linda

sage blue sky

I can relate a lot with what

I can relate a lot with what your saying.  

I know how it can be such a gruelling  experience.  

And I know what's its like to be around so much sickness and negativity it drains the life out of you.  

And yea your right all the bitterness and hatefulness is damaging.  

Just know  that each day is different  so they'll be good days  and bad days. 

Keep treading  on.  You can do it.  

 

Noellesmom

clacy said:

He is cancer free just doing follow up, but does not believe it

He had Chemo/Radiation treatments for 3 months, followed by two surgeries that were 9 days apart. They say they got it all the second time, but want him to go through chemo again just to be sure it does not return. He is adament that he still has cancer or they would not be insisting on the chemo. I went with him to talk to the oncologist several times and each time I tell him that my husband is sure he still has cancer and will be lucky to live 2 full years. The oncologist alwaays says why are you so negative? we got it all you are cured. We just want to be sure that it does not come back. If you make it 5 years without it returning this type of cancer is 99% sure it will not come back ever. Then we get home and my husband says that the doctor just told him he stilll has residual cancer cells and that means he still hass cancer. The last time I could not go with him, because I had another appoinntment. He comes home ane tells me he still has cancer and they are staarting his treatments back up in two weeks. It is like he hears every other word and makes his own story. He got a lot of attention in the beginning and when the doctors declared him cancer free he stopped getting so much attentionn from everyone. Also they told me to stop doing things for him and make him get up and do for himself. They said he would never get his strength and energy back if he was aloowed to sit around and be waited on hand and foot. He needs to get strong, to make it through the chemo. This makes him furious. He saays that is wrong, and he needs to rest up for three days straight so he can make it through work the next 4 days. Then he complains because he is so tired and wants to know why he is not getting his energy back. He decides what he wants to be true and then makes up his mind that it is. If I do what the doctors tell me he gets so mad at me and calls me names and says I am a lier. He has a colostomy now and he does not do what they tell him he needs to do and then he cries and wines because it is not working right. Then I say have you been using your med twice a day like the said? He will look straight at me and say yes. Then I look at him and say  you did not fix it this morning and I know you did not do it tonight. Then it's oh I forgot. He did not forget, he just did not feel like it and the got sick and then lied about it. It is like living with a two year old child at timess.

was he like this before the cancer?

Just wondering.