I'm officially depressed...

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Goyca
Goyca Member Posts: 220

I thought I'll write here today instead of keeping my sad thoughts to myself... Monday I have a 1 hours MRI for brain and neck! Wednesday I have the so called "mapping" or "simulation" session. And as already told u on the 28 I start.

well..to be honest.. I'm depressed, I lost my energy, my humor, my interest in people around me,,, I'm scared and worried and I really don't feel like going through rads. But I have to. Since I'm in post surgery phase, going out is not easy, I try to go out every other day, one time to have dinner the other time to walk a bit in the mall.. But it feels tasteless and meaningless.. But I keep on going out so I can activate my body as much as possible.

I skipped the weddings of my two good friends. Most of my friends are preparing for their summer vacation somewhere or are already on vacation somewhere ...     

my family is the biggest support system, especially my mum. But still  sometimes I feel lonely and I feel that I'm not me!!!

 

me is a very active 24 years old girl, tons of friends, tons of activities and adventures... And now I feel like a really old sick lady. I hate this. And by the way I don't smell anymore its a side effect of the tumor and the surgery. Which is nothing compared to not seeing or hearing...but for me its ugly not to smell I want to smell ..

 

I'm sorry if I bothered anyone with this post, because I know all of you are going through or went through hard times... But I thought if I write my thoughts down maybe I'll get rid of them !!

 

Goyca.

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Comments

  • Guzzle
    Guzzle Member Posts: 710
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    Natural

    Goyca, its natural to feel down. Seek help if you need it and don't feel isolated. Try to get put and be active if you can. Plan an Autumn (fall) vacation if you can post treatment? I know its tough but keep with. Good Luck, Gary

  • jackflash22
    jackflash22 Member Posts: 524 Member
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    oh! Goyca I'm so sorry to

    oh! Goyca I'm so sorry to hear how miserable you feel, such a young age to go through this terrible disease. You feel life is unfair you should be out and about with your friends. Your just starting out with the treatment and you feel it is the end of everything..".but....it's not...you'll go though a few weeks of unpleasant treatment but suddenly there will be light at the end of the tunnel, your Treatment will be a thing of the past and you'll start to recover. Some recover quickly others it takes a bit more time..but..you will recover, you'll be a stronger person, you won't take life for granted, you'll make the most of everyday, going and doing the things your friends do. It's seems to you now that's it's never ending but in reality it's only a few weeks out of your life. Although I have a few side affects from the rads I feel exactly as I did before the cancer. When I go on holiday or out with the family I forget I was ill. As time goes by I hope to forget it altogether. I had uterus cancer 25 years ago and after a year it had completely gone out of my daily thoughts. Nothing I say can change your depression I think you should ask for the docs help getting something to help you over the depression. Many on the site have used help to make things feel lighter.

  • Goyca
    Goyca Member Posts: 220
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    Guzzle and jackflash

    thank you both ... What u said jackflash is true and I will always remember that its just few weeks and it will be over.

    I will try to be active as much as I can. And Guzzle I'm keeping the "vacation planning thing" to do it during the rads session so that I'll keep my mind busy 

  • debbiejeanne
    debbiejeanne Member Posts: 3,102 Member
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    Goyca, i'm so sorry you're

    Goyca, i'm so sorry you're feeling so down.  it's a shame you didn't attend the weddings of your friends.  you are too young to isolate yourself.  this is a time when you should have your friends around you as often as possible.  they care about you and will want to help you thru this difficult time.  please don't shut them out.  you need their caring and friendship so you don't feel alone.  being down is understandable with the surgery and tx starting soon.  but a positive attitude will definitely help you thru.  now is not the time to be alone if you don't have to be.  And, you never have to be sorry for posting how you feel.  that's why we are here.  we will do our best to help you thru these sad times and let you know that you are NOT alone.  we are always here for you, cheering you on and praying for you to be better.  i am sending you a big, strong cyber hug ((( 0 )))), i hope you can feel it.  i hope it will make you smile and remind you that you have many friends here who truly care about you and want to help if we can.  hang in there Goyca, and we will be praying for you!

    God bless you,

    dj

  • fishmanpa
    fishmanpa Member Posts: 1,227 Member
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    Normal Feelings

    Hi Goyca,

    It's totally normal to feel as you do. You'd be hard pressed to find anyone on the boards that didn't feel some depression and anxiety related to diagnosis and the prognosis of the future. After all, this isn't just a common cold we're dealing with ;) Cancer takes a piece of us and changes us as you are already realizing. Learning to accept and eventually embrace the "new normal" from a mental aspect is just as important as the physical aspect. 

    Treating your mental health is vital when it comes to fighting cancer. Attitude is more than half the fight in my opinion. Bring this up to your team. I know at the CCC I went to, there were psychological professionals that were there to assist during treatment. Sadly, it's an often neglected part of our treatment and recovery. I know for me, it helped during and after. 

    You will get through this. Of that I'm sure. Eventually life will regain some normalcy and you'll carry on just fine :)

    Positive thoughts and prayers.

    "T"

     

     

  • KB56
    KB56 Member Posts: 318 Member
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    Depressed

    Goyca, as others have said,what you are experiencing is totally normal but that doesn't make it any easier.  You've been through a pretty big surgery and are about to enter the next phase of your treatment and recovery.  No one feels like going through radiation but unfortunately we really don't have a . It sucks that someone so young and full of life has been hit with this disease but the fact that you are young and active will work in your favor.   You have the strength and attitude to beat this and get back to doing the things that you love.   

    Hopefully your sense of smell will come back and is only a temporary thing, just like most of us lost our taste buds for a while but almost all of us eventually get them back.   You've been on the site long enough to know that radiation is no fun and will cause it's own set of challenges.   BUT, you've also seen enough people finish and get back to a very normal life after all the surgeries and treatments.

    we are all pulling for you and so far you have handled all that has been dealt you with as much strength, poise and courage as I have ever seen.   You obviuosly care about others from the encouraging post that you send others on the site and are mature beyond your years.   Lean on your family, good friends and the good folks on this site as you begin and finish radiation.  You know it will be tough but you also know you can do this.   don't ever apologize for saying how you feel as whatever you say or feel, those if us that have been down this path have probably said and felt exactly the same way at some point in our personal journey as well. 

     I really like what Robyn's  husband (from Australia) said, focus on the end point and don't think about the in between.   

    you can do this.

    Keith

  • debbiejeanne
    debbiejeanne Member Posts: 3,102 Member
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    goyca, i meant to tell you

    goyca, i meant to tell you that I can't smell any more either due to my surgery and i never will again.  i'm 2.5 yrs out from surgery now and i've learned to live with it.  i do understand how you feel tho b/c i miss being able to smell flowers and good food cooking.  there are about 4 of us here who can no longer smell

    :0(    you truly are not alone.

    God bless you,

    dj

  • tommyodavey
    tommyodavey Member Posts: 727 Member
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    goyca, i meant to tell you

    goyca, i meant to tell you that I can't smell any more either due to my surgery and i never will again.  i'm 2.5 yrs out from surgery now and i've learned to live with it.  i do understand how you feel tho b/c i miss being able to smell flowers and good food cooking.  there are about 4 of us here who can no longer smell

    :0(    you truly are not alone.

    God bless you,

    dj

    So Young

    Goyca,

     

    If there is one place in the world where you can say what's on your mind regarding cancer, it's here.  We not only give support to each other but it's a place to feel safe to complain.  Telling others who have not been through it makes them uncomfortable. (not everyone of course)  So feel free to come here and vent if it makes you feel a bit  better.

     

    I agree, you are too young to be going through this.  None of us deserved it.  Think about the children who get cancer at 4 years old or so.  I've seen it and that little girl was always outside playing and having fun.  That is when she wasn't getting chemo or rads.

     

    You're young, you'll heal faster than the majority of us here.  And I second the suggestion about talking to your doctor about this.  Maybe some temporary meds can help lift the cloud of depression.  Use every available resource to make yourself feel better.  And believe me when I say that everyone here would give you a huge hug if they could.  We all know what you're dealing with and it sucks.  We are like your cancer family.  Here to support you online.

     

    Try to stay positive and remember it's only temporary.

     

    Tom

  • bones821
    bones821 Member Posts: 7
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    Goyca,  You should know that

    Goyca,  You should know that everyone reading your post knows exactly how you feel and would give you a hug if we were with you.  We all feel or felt what you're feeling.  I would just suggest setting a goal for the mid term time frame like a vacation getaway.  It will do wonders for you to just close your eyes and imagine being somewhere you really would like to be when this treatment time is over.  And,yes, it will be over and your recovery will begin.  For the long term you'll have the rest of your life to reflect, grow,and be a better person and believe me while you will never forget this experience the cancer will gradually fade from your memory as you get on with life.  And you will feel empowered because you stared into the eyes of the dragon and survived. You are not alone and we're all with you in our thoughts and prayers every day.  And I look forward to hearing from you when this time of your life is in the rear view mirror.  God Bless.

  • Goyca
    Goyca Member Posts: 220
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    no words are enough

    no words are enough to Thank you guys... Reading you words made me feel that I'm understood. Ur words brought tears to my eyes, dont worry the relieving tears not the sad ones.. As u all said regular people dont understand how we feel, im so thankful for finding this group.

     

    I went out a bit with a friend, and I prepared few songs to listen to during the treatments.

    tomorrow I have an MRI for 1 hour, so I'm going there and taking with me my imagination:) won't let this stupid machine break me down.

     

     

    I am a believer and I have faith in God. I know he will never let us suffer for long. I pray for this group always. Thank u all for taking time to read and reply to different posts by different members.

     

    Hugs for all.

    with love, Goyca.

     

     

     

     

     

  • CivilMatt
    CivilMatt Member Posts: 4,723 Member
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    starting

    Goyca,

    I am sorry you feel badly, most H&N members have their good and bad days.  There is no good reason you have cancer, you just do.  That is a much easier answer than chasing through your brain trying to figure out the “why me”.

    There are many meds and relaxing technics if these feelings persist.  I had to take 1 Lorazapam before each rad session, I never could get used to it, but with Matt’s little helper I came to find it interesting.

    You are about to travel outside of your comfort zone while dealing with treatments and treatment side effects.  You need to try and work with your body as it reacts.  Ask questions here, everyone can relate what worked for them.

    Really, things do improve, life is not bleak, there is lots of humor to laugh at and weddings to attend.

    Treatments will be over quickly and you can rejoin your normal life.

    Good luck,

    Matt

  • Hard12Find
    Hard12Find Member Posts: 218 Member
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    Depression

    Hey sorry you are down, but the stuff we face with this disease is pretty depressing, I think it is really common to be depressed throughout the ordeal, and maybe even more so after treatment ends, before you get feeling better...I struggle with clinical depression anyway, and the "C" took about every ounce of my focus just to get through, I couldn't stay on antidepressants because I couldn't swallow the pills, liquid wasn't available, and if I did get them down, I couldn't keep them (or anything else) down...after treatment, I found I was having some really strange thoughts, anxiety attacks, trouble sleeping, memory loss, stressed out to the max, irritable and grumpy....was diagnosed with PTSD, didn't make sense at first, then when the doc said it wasn't uncommon for people facing life threatening illness to get PTSD, so, Just know you are never alone in this battle, everyone I have met on this site is pulling for you, do not apologise for being, down, distracted, unavailable...etc..... just take care of yourself, you have to be the primary focus, I'm now 2 years post diagnoses, and have felt really good the last few months, still have issues with dry mouth, trouble swallowing, and sensitive taste buds, but when I look at where I was at 6-7 months ago I feel blessed. I am telling you this because we all need to know there is light at the end of the tunnel, you will survive this, it will be hard, but you will be a better person on the other side, and you will begin to feel better and normal as time goes on, chin up soldier, you have a battle to win.

    Jim

     

  • wmc
    wmc Member Posts: 1,804
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    Officially depressed... Is OK

    Saying that you are depressed is OK. You have a lot to be sad or even depressed is a NORMAL feeling with what we all go through. Just being told you have cancer is enought but then you add the treatment you go through. Yep, we all go through it at some time. As far as putting it down in writing [posting], please do not feel sorry. You did the right thing to put it down so others can know what you are feeling. Who better than the one's that have gone through and understand what you are saying. Talking about your feelings is a great start. They're days I don't want to really go out and others I do. Just take one day at a time. Today matters, not tomorrow. Remember to come here to vent anytime. Also rember there IS a light at the end of the tunnel and you will get there. You are very young for this to happen to and there is no reason why, it happens to people, it just does. Try not to focus on the why, just the I CAN BEAT THIS. You will, and be stronger for it. Sending prayers your way and let us know how we can help.

    Bill

  • Duggie88
    Duggie88 Member Posts: 760 Member
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    Goyca

    Sounds like you rnormal to me. I often felt alone in a room full of people going about their socializing as I sat there resmbling a cordboard cut out of somebody I once was. Especially after my operation when I had no voice. One thing that really helped me was set something up after your treatment is complete it gives you something to look forward to while going through radiation and afterwards while healing. At 24 your far from old it's just a phase  because of what your going through. By the way I smell, especially yesterday after doing yard work all day, my wife can tell ya that.

    Keep your head up and put your mean face on and push forward through radiation. Things will get better I can promise you that.

          Jeff

  • Hondo
    Hondo Member Posts: 6,636 Member
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    Hi Goyca

    If you listen to everyone here you will see that it is normal to feel the way you do. We all at one time or another have feeling of depression and just being afraid of what is ahead. For me when I feel like that I pray and praying helps me to feel better knowing my life is in the hands of a God who loves me. Find something to focus on in your life, maybe something you want to do after you are finished with all this stuff. Keep positive and focus on doing whatever it is, your mind is a very strong source of help to your body. Also if you need help with the depression talk to your doctor and don’t be afraid to take what you need to feel good. I live on taking pain pills, it is just a part of my new normal me. I will also put you on my pray list if that is OK with you.

    Tim Hondo

  • Goyca
    Goyca Member Posts: 220
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    The more I read your comments

    The more I read your comments the more confident I feel about getting this done.

    Thank u for ur prayers and support. 

     

    "I can and will do this" ... I just made u guys a promise. :)

     

     

     

    God bless,

    Goyca.

  • phrannie51
    phrannie51 Member Posts: 4,716
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    Goyca said:

    The more I read your comments

    The more I read your comments the more confident I feel about getting this done.

    Thank u for ur prayers and support. 

     

    "I can and will do this" ... I just made u guys a promise. :)

     

     

     

    God bless,

    Goyca.

    Yes....

    you can do this!!  It is a bump in the road, not a forever thing.  I'm glad everybody was here to help you through yesterday....aren't they wonderful? Smile 

    You're probably getting your MRI right now, or almost finished.....having your imagination with you for that is the way to go.

    p

  • TracyLynn72
    TracyLynn72 Member Posts: 839
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    Goyca said:

    The more I read your comments

    The more I read your comments the more confident I feel about getting this done.

    Thank u for ur prayers and support. 

     

    "I can and will do this" ... I just made u guys a promise. :)

     

     

     

    God bless,

    Goyca.

    If I can do it...

    anyone can.  I was done.  At the end of my rope.  Sick as a dog.  Crying all day.  I told my doctors that I just could NOT finish treatment and was over it.  The awesome family on this site kicked my butt into gear and encouraged me to hang on, be tough and finish.  I will forever be grateful to them.  I am so sorry that you are going through so much at such a young age.  Cancer is a monster that does NOT discriminate.  You have what it takes to kick it's butt and we will ALL be here cheering for you as you do it, and when you are done.  I'm a year out of treatment and can tell you that things DO get better.  I didn't believe those words myself a year ago, but I promise you it is true.  Prayers for you my friend...you got this!!!  

  • TracyLynn72
    TracyLynn72 Member Posts: 839
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    Goyca said:

    no words are enough

    no words are enough to Thank you guys... Reading you words made me feel that I'm understood. Ur words brought tears to my eyes, dont worry the relieving tears not the sad ones.. As u all said regular people dont understand how we feel, im so thankful for finding this group.

     

    I went out a bit with a friend, and I prepared few songs to listen to during the treatments.

    tomorrow I have an MRI for 1 hour, so I'm going there and taking with me my imagination:) won't let this stupid machine break me down.

     

     

    I am a believer and I have faith in God. I know he will never let us suffer for long. I pray for this group always. Thank u all for taking time to read and reply to different posts by different members.

     

    Hugs for all.

    with love, Goyca.

     

     

     

     

     

    passing time

    When I was in the MRI machine and getting rads done, I prayed the entire time I was in there.  I prayed for the doctors, nurses, techs, staff...everyone.  Then I prayed for the people here on CSN.  I found that time passed rather quickly and I was at such a great peace when it finally ended.  

  • cureitall66
    cureitall66 Member Posts: 913
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    Never alone....

    Goyca,

    As you're seeing here, you have plenty of people that have shared some form of fear and/or depression that they've encountered. Although I was a caregiver, I could only imagine what my loved one was thinking. Being on this forum and sharing experiences helped me to help my loved one through this. It's a tough journey, but there's always light at the end of the tunnel. Knowing you're not alone makes it that much easier.

    I think you've gotten plenty of good suggestions and comments here from others that dealt with it first hand. Be sure to come here often during your treatment, as there is plenty of experience here to help you along.

    Place your fear in God's hands...

    Prayers for you to ease your mind.

    ~Cureitall