A question for women ....

2

Comments

  • RoseC
    RoseC Member Posts: 559
    #22
    Don't agree with you Phoebe...

    Sorry Phoebe but I really have to disagree with you on this one. It is NOT a universal fact that all men will resort to finding sex elsewhere if they can’t have it with their wife. And getting married does NOT mean unending sex, as many couples will attest to. The age-old idea that men only are interested in sex is not true. Not universally anyway. There are many ways to be close to one another that don’t include intercourse. Women, don’t sell your man short. If he loves you he’ll be there whether or not sex is in the picture. I am living this so I know what I’m talking about. Am I sure he’s not out there looking for sex elsewhere? YES...A CONFIDENT, RESOUNDING YES.

     

    Edit: You know, the more I think about what you're saying the angrier I get. Sorry, I know every one of us has different opinions and different life experiences, and I really don't mean to come down on you - but I guess I'm going to. The women who have gone through anal cancer treatment are hurting 'down there' and don't need to hear that their man is going to go elsewhere for sex if they don't provide it. Specially when it's not true. Each and every one of us is different - different needs, different wants. If a husband is really needing sex over caring about whether or not his wife is going to be hurt from having it, it might be time to find another husband.

  • Krissy59
    Krissy59 Member Posts: 33
    #23
    some pain, no interest

    I have some pain, but not too bad. My biggest issue it that I have no interest whatsoever. My doctor (gyno) told me this would improve with time...I sure hope so.

  • Marynb
    Marynb Member Posts: 1,118
    #24
    RoseC said:

    Don't agree with you Phoebe...

    Sorry Phoebe but I really have to disagree with you on this one. It is NOT a universal fact that all men will resort to finding sex elsewhere if they can’t have it with their wife. And getting married does NOT mean unending sex, as many couples will attest to. The age-old idea that men only are interested in sex is not true. Not universally anyway. There are many ways to be close to one another that don’t include intercourse. Women, don’t sell your man short. If he loves you he’ll be there whether or not sex is in the picture. I am living this so I know what I’m talking about. Am I sure he’s not out there looking for sex elsewhere? YES...A CONFIDENT, RESOUNDING YES.

     

    Edit: You know, the more I think about what you're saying the angrier I get. Sorry, I know every one of us has different opinions and different life experiences, and I really don't mean to come down on you - but I guess I'm going to. The women who have gone through anal cancer treatment are hurting 'down there' and don't need to hear that their man is going to go elsewhere for sex if they don't provide it. Specially when it's not true. Each and every one of us is different - different needs, different wants. If a husband is really needing sex over caring about whether or not his wife is going to be hurt from having it, it might be time to find another husband.

    RoseC
    I do understand your feelings, and of course generalities don't apply to every person in the group. I do agree that, generally, healthy men desire sex. Why wouldn't they? Sex is a healthy part of life and it is a biological need, just like eating. There are some people that don't have a sex drive, but not many.

    This is rather personal, but I am wondering why an anal cancer survivor can't have sex? Is there a physical reason? I mean, I can understand why intercourse is not possible during treatment and recovery, but there are other ways of having sex during those times. After recovery, is there any reason? I am really wondering. Is there a biological reason?
  • Marynb
    Marynb Member Posts: 1,118
    #25
    Phoebesnow said:

    Sex

    Has anyone read fifty shades of gray? That just might get your juices flowing.

     

    My husband has been paralyzed from the waist down since he was 23.  A sexual relationship is very important to him.  He was very patient with me as it took 9 months to one year to get it all working again.  He was my dilator as I found the dialator too boring. We used manual stimulation and oral sex.   At times it is painful and then we have oral sex instead. He uses injections to make himself hard.

     

    Anyone who believes there husband is happy in a sexless marriage is fooling themselves.  He will have emotional affairs that may lead to sex or prostitution.   I spend a lot of time with men because I am a surfer.  All they think about or talk about is sex.  They are very open.  If the wife is not having sex they tell everyone! They even discuss there own sexual dysfunction and worry a lot about there wives happiness.  

     

    i really believe that if you explore other ways to excite yourself that things will start working better for you then grin and bear it.

    Phoebe
    I love your candor! How fun that you are a surfer. I used to surf when I was younger and my ex. husband is a surfer. I know the kind of sex talk you are referring to. I used to work in an all male firm and it was a constant topic of conversation.

    I agree with you, it just isn't a good thing to decide to be in a sexless marriage out of fear. We have to fully live the life we have been given.

    I am divorced, but I have wondered about whether I still have the hpv virus that could be transmitted. I am certain that I was exposed to it by my cheating husband. There is no other way I could have been exposed. I just wouldn't want to give it to anyone. I wish I knew more about this. I can't find answers.
  • RoseC
    RoseC Member Posts: 559
    #26
    Marynb said:

    RoseC
    I do understand your feelings, and of course generalities don't apply to every person in the group. I do agree that, generally, healthy men desire sex. Why wouldn't they? Sex is a healthy part of life and it is a biological need, just like eating. There are some people that don't have a sex drive, but not many.

    This is rather personal, but I am wondering why an anal cancer survivor can't have sex? Is there a physical reason? I mean, I can understand why intercourse is not possible during treatment and recovery, but there are other ways of having sex during those times. After recovery, is there any reason? I am really wondering. Is there a biological reason?

    Hi Mary, Sex is a normal

    Hi Mary,

     

    Sex is a normal part of life and a very healthy part of life but I don’t agree that it’s a biological need. That is unless a person is of child-bearing age (creation of life and all that). Sex is a NICE part of life, for sure, but unless I’m wrong (which I could be) it’s not a biological need after child-bearing age is done with. It’s not the same as eating – we need to eat in order to live but we don’t need to have sex in order to live.

     

    I disagree that ‘there are some people that don’t have a sex drive, but not many’. How do you know that? You’re assigning a status to folks in general without providing a basis for it.

     

    Why can’t anal cancer survivors have sex? A couple of reasons come to mind right away. Psychological resistance to perceived pain and the physical actuality of tearing tissues etc. Radiation can cause the tissue in the vaginal area to become very thin and thus tearing can happen, which can lead to infection. This could be partly psychological too – the fear of damage dampens the desire for sex. (By sex, I’m referring to intercourse.)

     

    Also the plunging into menopause, if a person wasn’t there already. I know when I went into menopause, the sexual desire left too (note: not the physical desire for my husband - ie, I still think he's a hunk - but the physical desire for sex). All combined it would seem reasonable for a person who underwent this kind of treatment to not be all so excited to start up sexual relations again. Not saying we shouldn’t try, but I understand completely the reasons for not wanting to.

     

     

    Edit: My own little take on life in general – there are so many things a person can be happy with. Enjoy every little thing. Don’t get hung up on any one thing. Enjoy every little thing you have whether it be the trees turning color or your grandchildren or the scent of a pretty flower. Maybe I’m terribly misguided but I don’t feel sex is the end-all to everything. Important? Yes, but all-inconclusively important? No way.

  • Phoebesnow
    Phoebesnow Member Posts: 600 Member
    #27
    Krissy59 said:

    some pain, no interest

    I have some pain, but not too bad. My biggest issue it that I have no interest whatsoever. My doctor (gyno) told me this would improve with time...I sure hope so.

    Rosec

    I am sorry that I offended you Rose.  

     

    I certainly do not think intercourse is the only way to have sex.  

     

     

    I am always honest.  In my book honesty is always the best policy.    

     

    If I have my head stuck in the sand I would want someone to pull me out.

     

    Of course there are exceptions and each situation has to be looked at separately.  

     

     

    I am sorry to all who are offended by my post.  

  • lp1964
    lp1964 Member Posts: 1,239 Member
    #28
    Sex is everywhere.

    It may not be obvious, but no matter how old you are sexual things surround us everywhere. Sex is the strongest biological force in the world from a single cell bacterium to human. It's stronger than your own survival. If your child needed a heart and you were the only candidate for a transplant, would you have hasitated a second to do it? No. 

    No matter how old we are we notice an attractive, sexy person whether in the street or a the Oscars. But we still haven't left our animal nature mentally, where sex meant nothing but a quick intercourse for nothing else but procreation. 

    Humans have to realize that our complex suffisticated mind made lot more out of sex than intercourse, just like we made dining at a beautiful table out of eating only for nutritional purposes.

    Laz 

  • Lorikat
    Lorikat Member Posts: 681 Member
    #29
    lp1964 said:

    Sex is everywhere.

    It may not be obvious, but no matter how old you are sexual things surround us everywhere. Sex is the strongest biological force in the world from a single cell bacterium to human. It's stronger than your own survival. If your child needed a heart and you were the only candidate for a transplant, would you have hasitated a second to do it? No. 

    No matter how old we are we notice an attractive, sexy person whether in the street or a the Oscars. But we still haven't left our animal nature mentally, where sex meant nothing but a quick intercourse for nothing else but procreation. 

    Humans have to realize that our complex suffisticated mind made lot more out of sex than intercourse, just like we made dining at a beautiful table out of eating only for nutritional purposes.

    Laz 

    Wow..  I know I'm going to

    Wow..  I know I'm going to get booed for this but here goes....   A lot of sex vs no sex needs to include ages of participants. (IMO)

    And by sex I mean intercourse...  If you and your partner are still young-ish and had a very active sex life BEFORE cancer, then you are more likely to want it back afterwards!  If you have been married since the beginning of time, both are already on the slow down side of sex, and maybe a blue pill is needed, it becomes a different story.

    for me intercourse HURTS,  I tear, I bleed, and forget inthusiasm.  Nitty gritty, I still have mucus surprises, and am never comfortable with seriou foreplay for fear it will show up.  We STILL cuddle and please each other...  I know my husband will not go looking for someone else.  If he felt the need he would tell me.  That said, we are in the second catergory of married since beginning of time and on the older side.  But who knows?  Things could still change.  I am beginning to feel the 'want to' on occasion....  Hummmmmm

  • sephie
    sephie Member Posts: 650 Member
    #30
    Marynb said:

    RoseC
    I do understand your feelings, and of course generalities don't apply to every person in the group. I do agree that, generally, healthy men desire sex. Why wouldn't they? Sex is a healthy part of life and it is a biological need, just like eating. There are some people that don't have a sex drive, but not many.

    This is rather personal, but I am wondering why an anal cancer survivor can't have sex? Is there a physical reason? I mean, I can understand why intercourse is not possible during treatment and recovery, but there are other ways of having sex during those times. After recovery, is there any reason? I am really wondering. Is there a biological reason?

    marynb

    wow this is a great discussion!!!! i can definitely tell you why certain anal cancer survivors can NOT have sex ( intercourse)....When i have intercourse it really hurts---- a lot!!!!hurts during the movement and then afterwards.... it has torn the tissue all around the entrance to the vagina and where the labia attaches even tho i had lubrication and we moved slowly....it pulls on the anal area where i have chronic inflammation and pain almost every day......when i tear some tissue ,, i have to heal for 3 weeks... the absolute memory of the horrible pain that i had gone thru made me not try intercourse for months and months but i used my dilators......i am so glad that there are others who do not have the pain that  i have but we are all different..... i am 4 years  post tx....  i will say again that i have used my dialtors a lot to try to stretch the opening to make things easy.... it goes right bach to small the next day.....also, even tho i keep trying ,, it is not fun and is not enjoyable ..... thx ..... sephie

  • Marynb
    Marynb Member Posts: 1,118
    #31
    sephie said:

    marynb

    wow this is a great discussion!!!! i can definitely tell you why certain anal cancer survivors can NOT have sex ( intercourse)....When i have intercourse it really hurts---- a lot!!!!hurts during the movement and then afterwards.... it has torn the tissue all around the entrance to the vagina and where the labia attaches even tho i had lubrication and we moved slowly....it pulls on the anal area where i have chronic inflammation and pain almost every day......when i tear some tissue ,, i have to heal for 3 weeks... the absolute memory of the horrible pain that i had gone thru made me not try intercourse for months and months but i used my dilators......i am so glad that there are others who do not have the pain that  i have but we are all different..... i am 4 years  post tx....  i will say again that i have used my dialtors a lot to try to stretch the opening to make things easy.... it goes right bach to small the next day.....also, even tho i keep trying ,, it is not fun and is not enjoyable ..... thx ..... sephie

    Sephie
    I am so sorry to hear about your pain. That is really heartbreaking. I hope that this pain goes away someday. Do the doctors offer any hope that it will?
  • Marynb
    Marynb Member Posts: 1,118
    #32
    Lorikat said:

    Wow..  I know I'm going to

    Wow..  I know I'm going to get booed for this but here goes....   A lot of sex vs no sex needs to include ages of participants. (IMO)

    And by sex I mean intercourse...  If you and your partner are still young-ish and had a very active sex life BEFORE cancer, then you are more likely to want it back afterwards!  If you have been married since the beginning of time, both are already on the slow down side of sex, and maybe a blue pill is needed, it becomes a different story.

    for me intercourse HURTS,  I tear, I bleed, and forget inthusiasm.  Nitty gritty, I still have mucus surprises, and am never comfortable with seriou foreplay for fear it will show up.  We STILL cuddle and please each other...  I know my husband will not go looking for someone else.  If he felt the need he would tell me.  That said, we are in the second catergory of married since beginning of time and on the older side.  But who knows?  Things could still change.  I am beginning to feel the 'want to' on occasion....  Hummmmmm

    Lorikat
    Hmmmm. If this works for you and your spouse, then who would blast you?

    I just want to say one thing. The age group with the highest divorce rate is over 50, married 20 yrs. or more. Very often, the husband has had affair and relate that the sex in their marriage had been over for years. Ironically, many times wives are shocked, as they were perfectly content in their sexless marriage. Just sayin.....

    If medical reasons make intercourse impossible or very painful, that is a different story. I would guess some creativity would be called for to keep a marriage alive.
  • sephie
    sephie Member Posts: 650 Member
    #33
    Marynb said:

    Sephie
    I am so sorry to hear about your pain. That is really heartbreaking. I hope that this pain goes away someday. Do the doctors offer any hope that it will?

    hope????

    my docs at MDA say probably permanent radiation damage...the tissue was fried and healed the best it could.... so probably will be this way forever.... maybe not......sephie

  • pamela_preib
    pamela_preib Member Posts: 55
    #34
    I am happy to say I will be

    I am happy to say I will be out of treatment one year January 31 2014 and my husband and I have returned to a somewhat normal sex life. It was very painful up until a couple of months ago. I had no desire at all. I was one who was thrown in to instant menopause. I was struggling with everything. Vaginal dryness was a huge issue. No interest at all and mood swings and joint aches like nobody's business. My primary care doctor placed me on hormone therapy and I am a new woman. Within a week I could walk and bend my fingers without pain. I could feel moisture returning to my body. I had been so depressed as I felt like cancer treatment had robbed me of twenty years. I haven't had my 50th birthday yet so I was pretty depressed. I am so thankful for my primary care doctor's support and follow up. My cancer team did nothing to help me. My sex drive has never been real high mind you. I feel like I am back to my normal which is a huge improvement. Other than my testy digestive tract I am doing very very well overall.

  • Marynb
    Marynb Member Posts: 1,118
    #35
    pamela_preib said:

    I am happy to say I will be

    I am happy to say I will be out of treatment one year January 31 2014 and my husband and I have returned to a somewhat normal sex life. It was very painful up until a couple of months ago. I had no desire at all. I was one who was thrown in to instant menopause. I was struggling with everything. Vaginal dryness was a huge issue. No interest at all and mood swings and joint aches like nobody's business. My primary care doctor placed me on hormone therapy and I am a new woman. Within a week I could walk and bend my fingers without pain. I could feel moisture returning to my body. I had been so depressed as I felt like cancer treatment had robbed me of twenty years. I haven't had my 50th birthday yet so I was pretty depressed. I am so thankful for my primary care doctor's support and follow up. My cancer team did nothing to help me. My sex drive has never been real high mind you. I feel like I am back to my normal which is a huge improvement. Other than my testy digestive tract I am doing very very well overall.

    Pam
    It is great to hear that you are doing so well! That is good news! I never explored hormone replacement therapy. Sounds like it has really helped you. What do you take? Is it safe for long term use?
  • Phoebesnow
    Phoebesnow Member Posts: 600 Member
    #36
    Marynb said:

    Pam
    It is great to hear that you are doing so well! That is good news! I never explored hormone replacement therapy. Sounds like it has really helped you. What do you take? Is it safe for long term use?

    Hormones

    I am also using hormones Combi Patch 50/140.  I had a very early menopause at 39 my period completely stopped.  I had hot flashes every 15 minutes untiI I startedHRT after seven years of symptoms.  I had tx at 49 almost 50.  I have no problem with vaginal dryness. I will be 53 in January.

  • sephie
    sephie Member Posts: 650 Member
    #37
    Phoebesnow said:

    Hormones

    I am also using hormones Combi Patch 50/140.  I had a very early menopause at 39 my period completely stopped.  I had hot flashes every 15 minutes untiI I startedHRT after seven years of symptoms.  I had tx at 49 almost 50.  I have no problem with vaginal dryness. I will be 53 in January.

    age still makes a difference

    being over 60 yrs.old like i am has a lot to do with trouble with intercourse ....    sephie

  • Marynb
    Marynb Member Posts: 1,118
    #38
    sephie said:

    age still makes a difference

    being over 60 yrs.old like i am has a lot to do with trouble with intercourse ....    sephie

    Sephie
    How do you think age relates to it, over and above the results of treatment? I am over 60 also. Just wondering.
  • sephie
    sephie Member Posts: 650 Member
    #39
    Marynb said:

    Sephie
    How do you think age relates to it, over and above the results of treatment? I am over 60 also. Just wondering.

    marynb

    as we age, the tissues become dryer and dryer especially .... there are some women who cant take hormones....so estrace cream helps but not a lot....healing is slower also ..... sephie

  • Lorikat
    Lorikat Member Posts: 681 Member
    #40
    Marynb said:

    Sephie
    How do you think age relates to it, over and above the results of treatment? I am over 60 also. Just wondering.

    Whoa Mary...  You ask some

    Whoa Mary...  You ask some tough questions!  I am not answering for anyone else just what I feel.  i am leary of taking hormones even though I lack interest in sex.  I personally feel that in many people sex interest DOES decline with age cancer or no cancer!   I love my husband and he is the kind of guy who improves with age.  I love to cuddle up with him and he with me.   now, he's 11 years older than me chronologically only.  His blood pressure is high and he takes meds. His interest isn't as great as it once was.  I'm sure there are people in their 70's who are still very active.  I dont think it's particularly the norm however.

    I think each and every one of us have to find our own 'norm'.  Some marriages will survive.  Some won't.  I have all the faith in the world that mine will. I guess what i'm saying is we are all going to handle getting older and all it brings, including cancer, the very best  way we can, husbands and all!  Hugs to all

     

  • Phoebesnow
    Phoebesnow Member Posts: 600 Member
    #41
    Lorikat said:

    Whoa Mary...  You ask some

    Whoa Mary...  You ask some tough questions!  I am not answering for anyone else just what I feel.  i am leary of taking hormones even though I lack interest in sex.  I personally feel that in many people sex interest DOES decline with age cancer or no cancer!   I love my husband and he is the kind of guy who improves with age.  I love to cuddle up with him and he with me.   now, he's 11 years older than me chronologically only.  His blood pressure is high and he takes meds. His interest isn't as great as it once was.  I'm sure there are people in their 70's who are still very active.  I dont think it's particularly the norm however.

    I think each and every one of us have to find our own 'norm'.  Some marriages will survive.  Some won't.  I have all the faith in the world that mine will. I guess what i'm saying is we are all going to handle getting older and all it brings, including cancer, the very best  way we can, husbands and all!  Hugs to all

     

    Hormones

    Hormones will not give you sexual desire.  Just like a marriage it is something you may need to work on.  For me it is making time  for it.  Once I get going it is the same as always. Good!

     

     I started taking the hormones after several years of debilitating symtoms.  My doctors insist at such a low dose it is harmless.  My radiation doctor let me continue the hormones thru therapy, even though he would not let me take anything else.  

     

    I just think its important for all of us to tell our experiences for the new people.  I never expected to have sex again based on what I read here and on other sites.  I am glad that I used the dialators and resumed my. Sex life, which is very important in my marriage to both of us.

     

    Sorry for the typos, but this system is very difficult to use on the I pad.

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