agony

LaCh

eihtak said:

LaCh

Once again I love reading your posts. I truely hope you keep in touch many years from now, whether that be here as we are now (only better), or in some state of reincarnation????? I think again though you do not give yourself enough credit. The being more kind, patient, and considerate will come to you in time. These are qualities not aquired overnight and would have no real meaning until you have suffered sufficiently to truely value them. Yes, you have suffered sufficiently, so maybe you just have to start believing that you are becoming a better person. I didn't know you before, but get the feeling you were all ready pretty good!

Hang on.........

eihtak

Thanks eithak, that's a very kind thing to say, really, since writing is something that I do for pleasure.  Curious that you mention staying in touch.  It's something that I've been thinking about as well. On one hand, I feel like I don't want to identify with the disease or the situation, and that when I'm ready to move on, I'll want to move on.  On  the other hand, if I can say something that  might be helpful to someone else, that's always a gratifying thing.  I imagine that I'll try to strike a balance between the two.  I smile when I think of not aquiring the qualities that I want to aquire overnight.  I've had 59 years and haven't managed it yet, so "overnight" was probably 40 or so years ago.  I'm only a good person until I'm not, and I stumble more than I don't.  As I said, this situation hasn't brought out the good person lurking inside me, but has brought out the evil twin.  But in any case, I do thank you for your words...

AZANNIE

LaCh said:

omg1012 quits

I'm ready to call it quits.  This pain can't be "normal."  Going to the bathroom was painful weeks ago, now it's simply unbearable.  This just can't be normal even given that I'm being treated.  There's something going on inside, no one knows what it is, none of the doctors care to know what it is, they just say treatment=pain, that's normal, let's just keep going.  I've done everything I could, I've done everything asked of me but now they've got to put their heads together and figure out what's actually going on inside and do something about it.  I've just come off of a three-day break and each time I think that the pain can't possibly be worse, it is.  I can't think, can't breathe, can't hear or see when I go to the bathroom, can't even stand up from the toilet when I'm done, the pain is so bad.  I took oxycodone and it didn't touch the pain, put me to sleep, made me nauseous, and did nothing for the pain when I go to the bathroom.  What's the cause of the pain? No one knows.  I don't care about the treatments, I don't care about the tumor, I don't care about normal or abnormal, I only care about the pain.  I have a high pain tolerance but this is way beyond me.

LaCh

I almost didn't finish the last 5 radiation treatments because I felt so miserable. I ended up in the hospital with burns and neutropenia. I was disgusted with the radiation oncologist for not giving me a break, but ended up having my own break. My medical oncologist knew I wasn't pleased with the rad onc and he had a talk with him. After talking to my medical oncologist I decided to finish the last 5 treatments. I had about a 10 day break before the last 5 zaps. I was concerned about the cancer returning if I didn't finish. I understand your frustration. You're almost at the finish line. Hope you can hang in there. It does get better and healing is fast. Hope you find relief soon!

 

Ann

 

pializ

Same stage of treatment

Hi LaCh,

I have 4 treatments left. I am  fortunate that I am able to take oral analgaesia. However, Peeing & pooing are soooo painful right now. Sting??? The way I am managing it is, I bought a portable bidet, and before urinating, I fill it full of lukewarm water & pee into it. Stings much less. then I empty bidet, wash it out then fill it with salt water to wash myself. When defecating, I do that as per normal, whilst preparing a salt bidet. When finished I use bidet, using usual BM efforts. This cleanses my anus and takes away the sting. Then use fresh saltwater bidet to have final cleanse. I know this sounds gross, but it helps, & I'm all for doing that at the moment & so very glad I bought the bidet. I have heard that sitz baths are more available in US (I live in UK). 

Like you, I have issues with this treatment, but know it has a high success rate, so will keep on until it is finished (on Burns night ironically).

I have an issue with nausea at the moment, but if I don't eat, it is worse. A round of toast and some domperidone eventually helps.

My groins are now starting to improve as my final 11 treatments have been to tumour and lymph glands only & irradiated from back. Can only go commando though....... Just ordered a sheepskin to sit on.

Seeing Oncologist today for review. Just hope my bloods are OK this week.

You & I are tough cookies & we will get through this.

Take care,

Liz x

LaCh

AZANNIE said:

LaCh

I almost didn't finish the last 5 radiation treatments because I felt so miserable. I ended up in the hospital with burns and neutropenia. I was disgusted with the radiation oncologist for not giving me a break, but ended up having my own break. My medical oncologist knew I wasn't pleased with the rad onc and he had a talk with him. After talking to my medical oncologist I decided to finish the last 5 treatments. I had about a 10 day break before the last 5 zaps. I was concerned about the cancer returning if I didn't finish. I understand your frustration. You're almost at the finish line. Hope you can hang in there. It does get better and healing is fast. Hope you find relief soon!

 

Ann

 

azannie

Thanks Azannie,

I also have an intense dislike for my radio oncologist, not necessarily for his medical expertise or lack thereof, but on a personal level. He lacks basic civility, basic courtesy, basic understanding of how to speak to another human being. He's arrogant and patronozing. He's physically and interpersonally clumsy and inept. The guy's an assh*le.  As for how he's handled the medical aspects of his job with relation to me, well, to give you an idea, his admonitions to me from the outset have been "no sitz baths."  I have 5 treatments left, including today's.  I think I can get through them, having found a strategy to do so, ill advised as it is (and as I know it is). I'm only taking fluids. I'm not eating any solid food.  If no one can help me control the incapaciting pain that I have when I go to the bathroom, I'll find my own solution and that's what I've done.  The external burns are getting worse as I close in on the finish line; hopefully, I'll be able to make it to the end without stopping.  I think your situation is a perfect example of the patronizing, arrogant attitude of too many doctors, that of "I know best and you know nothing.  I'll decide when your body has had enough."  In a profession in which listening is of paramount importance, doctors simply don't.  I have a medical background so my questions are often pointed and technical and medically well-versed and if something doesn't make sense to me medically, I'll say so and ask about it. That never goes over too well. I have a very low opinion of doctors. I try to enter a doctor/ patient relationship with an open mind but it always or almost always end up in the same place.  And sadly, I'm pretty easy to please. All I ask is, Listen to me,  take what I'm telling you seriously, treat me courteously and use what I'm telling you to help me because all I'm trying to do is impart information to you so that you can help me, nothing more.  Allow me to ask questions and participate in my own health care and if I decline a test or a treatment, don't take it as a personal affront. This is my body. I know it better than anyone else possibly can. I've had 59 years to get to know what it does and how it responds. Why would I turn its fate over to someone else whose understanding of it comes from academic study, experience (even years of experience) with other people's bodies and even a genuine desire to help. But it's my body. I know it's quirks and its limits.   So, you see, I don't ask for much, but it seems impossible to meet even these basic requirements.  Right now, I'm taking it one mug of tea at a time, one cup of broth at a time, one burn session at a time (because at this point, we're just burning the burns) and hoping for the best.  Thanks for your words of encouragement.