My mom died from EC 11/25/12

My mama died of EC last Sunday I spent her last week with her in a Hospice day and night until this disease took her. I watched her struggle like a fish out of water taking her last breaths. She died at 3:38 am I have woke up at 3:25 to 3:37 every morning since. I am severely depressed. I have no will to live. I just do not care. I have a lock of hair and ashes and that is all that is left. I hate God for doing this. I hate people for telling me she is in a better place. I hate myself sometimes that I could not pull a miracle out of a hat for her. I have a family I have kids and I have a great sadness that I carry around like a boulder. Everyday it gets heavier and heavier. I tried to think that she is in Heaven but all I can do is cry and scream inside no no no....I think I am going crazy.


  • Amjosmom
    Amjosmom Member Posts: 212
    You have every right to be angry!
    Life already isn't fair... then to be cursed with watching a loved one suffer? It SUCKS!! Take some time to grieve, but don't let the Beast take your life, too. We are here to cry with you. You will get through this.

    My condolences.
  • paul61
    paul61 Member Posts: 1,391 Member
    I am so sorry for your loss
    I know it is difficult to accept the loss of one of our parents. There are no words that anyone can say that can take away the pain of that loss. Unfortunately the only thing that can make things better is time, and the love and support of those that are still around us.

    Do you have someone close to you with whom can discuss your feelings? It is important for us to be able to get our feelings out by talking about them, preferably with someone who we trust, that can be non judgmental.

    I wish there was something I could say to help you feel better about your Mom's passing, but there just isn't. All I can suggest is that you hold your family and children close and reach out for the support of those who love you.

    With my deepest condolences,

    Paul Adams
    McCormick, South Carolina
  • MartinG5602
    MartinG5602 Member Posts: 22
    There are no words
    I am so very sorry to learn about your mom. I wish I could say something to help you, but these will be the weeks when you will learn what the ground really looks like. Your eyes will be downcast for quite awhile. There is no other way but to walk thru and know your Mom is really not far away. I know she would want you to put your mind on your children as much as possible right now. I suggest writing your thoughts in a folder when you can and a little later, seek out a grief counseling group in your community. They are helpful. I know down this long, long road, at some point, you will begin to smile when you think of your Mom and slowly happy times you all had will begin to come back and give you comfort. It does take time.
    I will be holding you in my thoughts. Please know we, in this group, understand and are here to help you in the days and weeks to come..

  • FlorenceNightingale911
    May U soon find rest & great memories of Mama flood your soul!

    Dear Donna:

    What does one say to a woman who has watched her dearly beloved “Mama” pass away before her very eyes? Donna, my heart aches as I read your letter. It’s obvious that you loved your Mother as deeply as she loved you. And I know she didn’t want to leave you anymore than you wanted to see her go. It is indeed a great loss, but I hope that you can grasp the meaning of a real Heaven where those who love God will go after death. In time I hope you will come to not be angry with the same God that gave you a wonderful mama. Personally, I think it pained God’s heart too and at the point that her pain became unbearable, He said enough is enough. And as for being angry with God, He isn’t mad with you, and He knows your pain too. He knows how much you’re hurting. After all, Jesus wept when his buddy Lazarus died.

    Barrie has said it well. Why not search out a good counselor or pastor, and tell them exactly what you have told us? I know nothing makes sense now. But please don’t blame yourself. After all, only God can perform miracles and raise the dead. There was nothing you could have done that would have kept her from dying. That is the scary and awful thing about Esophageal Cancer. So many die far too soon. Many of us have lost loved ones also to this demon of a cancer. We know the pain you are feeling. You can’t see anything now for feeling the pain of your dear mother slipping from your grasp. As Barrie has said, in due time, and it may be a year or so, you will come to see the legacy Mom left for you. She has raised a dear daughter that must now carry on. Mama would be ever so disappointed to know that after her death, you felt like there was nothing left to live for. But it is natural to think to yourself, “What’s left in life for me?” Plenty Donna and after this period of deep and understandable grief, life will start to make sense again. And NO, you are not going crazy even though for a time it will seem like everybody’s got their feet firmly on the ground but you. But you will survive.

    You also have given birth to some wonderful children. They are your Mama’s grandchildren. They need you just like you have needed your mama. You will honor her life most by carrying on her legacy, and leaving your children with wonderful memories of you, just like they have of Grandma. Better thoughts and better memories will come in due time. But we have seasons of life. There are times for living it up, and times for “seemingly falling apart for a time when our world is shattered.” This is truly a time for weeping, but you will recover. You will Donna ~ you will. Your mother would want you to carry on the tradition of providing stability and love to all those that remain in her family. She would not want you to despair of life. She has passed the torch to you. Honor her life by carrying it high Donna and carry it proudly. You will survive, and the desire to live will return. Too many are counting on you to be strong for them just like Mama was a tower of strength for you.

    I read your letter late last night, and slept on it. I wandered, “Oh God” who will help Donna? So I printed it out, took it to church with me this morning. I talked personally with my pastor and asked him to put your name in the church bulletin so that others could pray for you to have the strength to carry on. God doesn’t need a last name. He knows where you live and He knows your heartache. My pastor prayed a moving prayer for you and your family. No my dear Donna, you have far more than a lock of hair and some ashes. I pray that you will soon come to believe that Mama is in Heaven and that you will see her again. Till then she would understand that your heart is broken but in due time I pray the wonderful memories will return and crowd out the pain you’re feeling now. So don’t give up on God or life. Too many people love a woman named Donna. You’re gonna’ make it!