Loss of son and then cancer diagnosis.

sherryk

I lost my 24 yr old son on May 3, 2011. Two months later I was diagnosed with Stage 2 IBC. I had successful surgery and am now on Tamoxifen for the next 5 years. Does anyone out there have any coping strategies for someone going through grief and cancer treatment at the same time? I have a wonderful, supportive husband who has gotten me through the initial year in one piece. I seem to be struggling with extreme fatigue as I am going through the send year though. I don't know if it's the grief or the meds, possibly both. It's worth noting that my mother is a source of stress not comfort so I rely heavily on my husband for emotional support. I am sure depression is a possibility. I did see a counselor after my son passed away, but it didn't seem to help me. I got wrapped up in surgery and reconstruction for most of the rest of the year but even though I don't tear up as often, I just can't seem to find joy in life or enjoy the grandchildren as I'd like to. Any comments or suggestions? Thanks.

Monicalynn

Sounds like you have
Sounds like you have wonderfully awesome husband. This board is great for emotional support. It takes time to get over a loss, I lost my mother to ovarian cancer in 1994 and still get teared up this many years later. Sending you *hugs* and postive thoughts.

sherryk

Monicalynn said:

Sounds like you have
Sounds like you have wonderfully awesome husband. This board is great for emotional support. It takes time to get over a loss, I lost my mother to ovarian cancer in 1994 and still get teared up this many years later. Sending you *hugs* and postive thoughts.

Thanks, Monicalynn. I
Thanks, Monicalynn. I appreciate it.

MAJW

sherryk said:

Thanks, Monicalynn. I
Thanks, Monicalynn. I appreciate it.

No words...
I wish I had some words of wisdom...I don't ...I can't imagine losing a child... I lost my only sibling, a brother, when he was 20, in car accident...so I do know what my parents went through.... This was one week before my wedding....I thought my mother wouldn't survive Billy's death...it feels good to say his name aloud......her grief was overwhelming.....she also saw a psychiatrist...didn't help her either...sadly my dad died of a heart attack 15 months after my brother...no doubt stress related...but I believe what saved her, was we let her grieve in her own way and time...there's no time limit on that...then I had a baby boy 10 months later..that was what saved her! I knew the minute I found out I was pregnant that it was a boy! Only then, once I had a child, I was able to imagine just a little what she had endured...but it's like having breast cancer in that you can only " get it" if you've Not walked in our shoes...no one who hasn't lost a child can understand ....but I have great empathy for you....

My heart aches for you...please just take one day at a time...or minute to minute if that's what gets you through the day in dealing with your grief and breast cancer...let no one tell you how to grieve...

I will keep you in my prayers....
Hugs, Nancy

disneyfan2008

I did not go through it at
I did not go through it at same time....but what I try to do..is LOOK at all the good...not now he or she is gone! I think of all the GOOD, wonderful memories. NOT dwell on the lose...it is not easy by any means...I lost my dad at age 19 but I thought of it as I had a GREAT dad for short time rather then maybe a not so good day for most of my life time.

Denise

Both my parents are gone now 32 yrs and almost 5 yrs! I think of them daily-not a day goes by without-!

disneyfan2008

MAJW said:

No words...
I wish I had some words of wisdom...I don't ...I can't imagine losing a child... I lost my only sibling, a brother, when he was 20, in car accident...so I do know what my parents went through.... This was one week before my wedding....I thought my mother wouldn't survive Billy's death...it feels good to say his name aloud......her grief was overwhelming.....she also saw a psychiatrist...didn't help her either...sadly my dad died of a heart attack 15 months after my brother...no doubt stress related...but I believe what saved her, was we let her grieve in her own way and time...there's no time limit on that...then I had a baby boy 10 months later..that was what saved her! I knew the minute I found out I was pregnant that it was a boy! Only then, once I had a child, I was able to imagine just a little what she had endured...but it's like having breast cancer in that you can only " get it" if you've Not walked in our shoes...no one who hasn't lost a child can understand ....but I have great empathy for you....

My heart aches for you...please just take one day at a time...or minute to minute if that's what gets you through the day in dealing with your grief and breast cancer...let no one tell you how to grieve...

I will keep you in my prayers....
Hugs, Nancy

Nancy: very good
Nancy: very good advice...


sorry for your loses as well...

Denise

eihtak

Everyone is different....
....and so true it takes a long time. I can't even imagine the feeling of losing a child! About six years ago the day my mom went into hospice after her fight with ovarion cancer my 16yr old daughter was air lifted to the hospital after Jaws of Life cut her out of her car after being T-boned by an erratic driver. She was on her way home from work at Subway at 4:00 in the afternoon! She spent those first few weeks fighting to live and we spent it in constant prayer! She made it, many scars that she proudly wears as a survivor, but I still tear up when I think of the what if...??? Being that close to loosing her, again I don't know where one gathers the strength in your shoes other than God. That does not work for some I know, but thats what works for me. Reality of everyday life is difficult when our minds keep going to these sad places. Like said, it takes time, one very small step at a time. Since being diagnosed with cancer (x2) along with a cancer diagnoses for my husband, depression has been knocking at my door also, right now I refuse to open the door! Sometimes we just can't keep it away tho, so maybe try a new counselor or support group, and also this site has been a great place for genuine help and concern. I don't like to resort to medication, but there is a time and place and can be of great help in getting you back into life. Your grandchildren should be the joy for you they were meant to be, and a good doctor will help you get there. Also don't underestimate the old standby of fresh air, exercise, and healthy diet. I always feel mentally stronger when I eat well, take a walk, and practice my yoga stretches and relaxation. Please keep in touch, we are always here for you. As always, all in my prayers.

sherryk

MAJW said:

No words...
I wish I had some words of wisdom...I don't ...I can't imagine losing a child... I lost my only sibling, a brother, when he was 20, in car accident...so I do know what my parents went through.... This was one week before my wedding....I thought my mother wouldn't survive Billy's death...it feels good to say his name aloud......her grief was overwhelming.....she also saw a psychiatrist...didn't help her either...sadly my dad died of a heart attack 15 months after my brother...no doubt stress related...but I believe what saved her, was we let her grieve in her own way and time...there's no time limit on that...then I had a baby boy 10 months later..that was what saved her! I knew the minute I found out I was pregnant that it was a boy! Only then, once I had a child, I was able to imagine just a little what she had endured...but it's like having breast cancer in that you can only " get it" if you've Not walked in our shoes...no one who hasn't lost a child can understand ....but I have great empathy for you....

My heart aches for you...please just take one day at a time...or minute to minute if that's what gets you through the day in dealing with your grief and breast cancer...let no one tell you how to grieve...

I will keep you in my prayers....
Hugs, Nancy

Thank you, Nancy. I'll take
Thank you, Nancy. I'll take your advice to heart. I think what is saving me is a new granddaughter. She was born less than a year after my son died. He can't be replaced but having a new baby around certainly does ease the pain. I feel fortunate that I'm currently in remission (have scans scheduled later this month) and that I can still get through the day. I believe I'm still here for a reason, I'm just not sure exactly what that is yet.

sherryk

disneyfan2008 said:

I did not go through it at
I did not go through it at same time....but what I try to do..is LOOK at all the good...not now he or she is gone! I think of all the GOOD, wonderful memories. NOT dwell on the lose...it is not easy by any means...I lost my dad at age 19 but I thought of it as I had a GREAT dad for short time rather then maybe a not so good day for most of my life time.

Denise

Both my parents are gone now 32 yrs and almost 5 yrs! I think of them daily-not a day goes by without-!

You are right, Denise. I
You are right, Denise. I had my son for 24 years and some people lose their children much younger. I do try to count my blessings but some days the darkness closes in. I guess it's all part of the process.

sherryk

disneyfan2008 said:

I did not go through it at
I did not go through it at same time....but what I try to do..is LOOK at all the good...not now he or she is gone! I think of all the GOOD, wonderful memories. NOT dwell on the lose...it is not easy by any means...I lost my dad at age 19 but I thought of it as I had a GREAT dad for short time rather then maybe a not so good day for most of my life time.

Denise

Both my parents are gone now 32 yrs and almost 5 yrs! I think of them daily-not a day goes by without-!

You are right, Denise. I
You are right, Denise. I had my son for 24 years and some people lose their children much younger. I do try to count my blessings but some days the darkness closes in. I guess it's all part of the process.

sherryk

disneyfan2008 said:

I did not go through it at
I did not go through it at same time....but what I try to do..is LOOK at all the good...not now he or she is gone! I think of all the GOOD, wonderful memories. NOT dwell on the lose...it is not easy by any means...I lost my dad at age 19 but I thought of it as I had a GREAT dad for short time rather then maybe a not so good day for most of my life time.

Denise

Both my parents are gone now 32 yrs and almost 5 yrs! I think of them daily-not a day goes by without-!

You are right, Denise. I
You are right, Denise. I had my son for 24 years and some people lose their children much younger. I do try to count my blessings but some days the darkness closes in. I guess it's all part of the process.

sherryk

eihtak said:

Everyone is different....
....and so true it takes a long time. I can't even imagine the feeling of losing a child! About six years ago the day my mom went into hospice after her fight with ovarion cancer my 16yr old daughter was air lifted to the hospital after Jaws of Life cut her out of her car after being T-boned by an erratic driver. She was on her way home from work at Subway at 4:00 in the afternoon! She spent those first few weeks fighting to live and we spent it in constant prayer! She made it, many scars that she proudly wears as a survivor, but I still tear up when I think of the what if...??? Being that close to loosing her, again I don't know where one gathers the strength in your shoes other than God. That does not work for some I know, but thats what works for me. Reality of everyday life is difficult when our minds keep going to these sad places. Like said, it takes time, one very small step at a time. Since being diagnosed with cancer (x2) along with a cancer diagnoses for my husband, depression has been knocking at my door also, right now I refuse to open the door! Sometimes we just can't keep it away tho, so maybe try a new counselor or support group, and also this site has been a great place for genuine help and concern. I don't like to resort to medication, but there is a time and place and can be of great help in getting you back into life. Your grandchildren should be the joy for you they were meant to be, and a good doctor will help you get there. Also don't underestimate the old standby of fresh air, exercise, and healthy diet. I always feel mentally stronger when I eat well, take a walk, and practice my yoga stretches and relaxation. Please keep in touch, we are always here for you. As always, all in my prayers.

I am sorry for the loss of
I am sorry for the loss of your mom, and it must have be awful to see your daughter suffer. I am normally optimistic in times of crisis but this past year really rocked my foundations. Prayer is what I rely on and the knowledge that my son did not suffer. He passed away in his sleep of a heart arrythmia. The pain is mine, and he didn't have any. I am so grateful for that. When I found him, I actually heard God's voice. He said "this is my plan". I accept that my son is where he is meant to be, but I just miss him so. Having cancer was nothing compared to losing him. I know that I have many blessings to count and I'll get through this. Thanks for your support and the kind comments from everyone. It truly helps.

debi.18

sherryk said:

I am sorry for the loss of
I am sorry for the loss of your mom, and it must have be awful to see your daughter suffer. I am normally optimistic in times of crisis but this past year really rocked my foundations. Prayer is what I rely on and the knowledge that my son did not suffer. He passed away in his sleep of a heart arrythmia. The pain is mine, and he didn't have any. I am so grateful for that. When I found him, I actually heard God's voice. He said "this is my plan". I accept that my son is where he is meant to be, but I just miss him so. Having cancer was nothing compared to losing him. I know that I have many blessings to count and I'll get through this. Thanks for your support and the kind comments from everyone. It truly helps.

Hi Sherry
Hi Sherry, I can't offer any advise, just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you and sending prayers. I can't even imagine what it's like to lose a child. We're here to support you any way we can.

Hugs, Debi

LoveBabyJesus

So sorry
Hi pink sister -- First of all, please accept my condolences. It must be extremely difficult to cope with that alone, and now dealing with this diagnosis. I don't have any kids (am 34), but I can't imagine the loss of one. I am sorry you had to experience this.

I think sometimes things just need to go through a process. You have been dealing with two major events in your life - both happening almost at the same time. You need to give some credit to yourself as you've been trying to handle this as best as you can. And with time, I believe it will feel a little more peaceful. This is hard. And I am glad you have the support of your loving husband. God bless him.

Another thing to do is to do what you love most. I personally like to connect with nature a lot (no people), and just interact with animals, plants, ocean...everyone is different, but you may try to focus on something you love to do. Get company at home. Call friends. Ask for help. You would be surprised sometimes how much just being with people who love you, and doing things might help. These things may not completely take it away, but it might alleviate it.

When you feel lonely or lost about the diagnosis - and doesn't look like you are - but if you ever need to reach out, we are all here for you. We understand and get it.

Please know you have our support and we care. You are not alone. Hand in there.

Hugs!

rallendorfer

We are never quite the same after a tragedy are we?
I was saddened to read your post and the heaviness that you sometimes bear. Sometimes I think about Job in the bible. I wonder if even after God gave him back so much more than he lost, that he trembled when he saw a storm cloud? How can we feel that sweet innocent peace when we know how suddenly it can change? I don't think that you will be the same, but the granddaughter has come at the right time don't you think? It sounds to me like you are doing everything exactly as you should to try to keep going. I grieved the loss of my son for 5 full years. That day 19 years ago was the day I mark the death of my old self as well, and what grew from that is nothing like the old me. The deepest darkest depression I have ever gone through. And my granddaughter was born at the right time, and it saved me. I had joy again.

And then the bc came right away and it has been dealt with. We all care for each other here. And you will find the loving concern to lift your heavy wings to the wind again. Let's hold on to each other, ok?

Rebecca

Tux

rallendorfer said:

We are never quite the same after a tragedy are we?
I was saddened to read your post and the heaviness that you sometimes bear. Sometimes I think about Job in the bible. I wonder if even after God gave him back so much more than he lost, that he trembled when he saw a storm cloud? How can we feel that sweet innocent peace when we know how suddenly it can change? I don't think that you will be the same, but the granddaughter has come at the right time don't you think? It sounds to me like you are doing everything exactly as you should to try to keep going. I grieved the loss of my son for 5 full years. That day 19 years ago was the day I mark the death of my old self as well, and what grew from that is nothing like the old me. The deepest darkest depression I have ever gone through. And my granddaughter was born at the right time, and it saved me. I had joy again.

And then the bc came right away and it has been dealt with. We all care for each other here. And you will find the loving concern to lift your heavy wings to the wind again. Let's hold on to each other, ok?

Rebecca

loss and BC
I am so sorry for the loss of your son. My nephew was killed in Iraq -- truly the worst day of my life! Finding out about my BC was the second worst, but I was determined to overcome it. I am on an antidepressant, prescribed by my PCP. It has really helped me a lot.
Also, my friends at church have been a great help to me during this time of grief.
You are in my thoughts and prayers! (((Hugs)))

MAJW

Tux said:

loss and BC
I am so sorry for the loss of your son. My nephew was killed in Iraq -- truly the worst day of my life! Finding out about my BC was the second worst, but I was determined to overcome it. I am on an antidepressant, prescribed by my PCP. It has really helped me a lot.
Also, my friends at church have been a great help to me during this time of grief.
You are in my thoughts and prayers! (((Hugs)))

I Am so sorry for the loss of your son also....it goes against nature....You are the one who can help Sherry....you know first hand what she's going through.....as I said in my earlier post, only someone who has experienced the loss of a child can truly understand....I hope the two of you can become fast friends on this board! I'm glad you have found some peace and joy once again in your life....

Again, so sorry for your loss, also...God Bless...

Big hugs,Nancy

Noel

sherryk said:

You are right, Denise. I
You are right, Denise. I had my son for 24 years and some people lose their children much younger. I do try to count my blessings but some days the darkness closes in. I guess it's all part of the process.

I am so sorry for your loss.
I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine going through losing a child. And now you are dealing with bc too. My heart goes out to you and please know we are all here for you.


Hugs, Noel

Ritzy

debi.18 said:

Hi Sherry
Hi Sherry, I can't offer any advise, just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you and sending prayers. I can't even imagine what it's like to lose a child. We're here to support you any way we can.

Hugs, Debi

Oh Sherry, I am so sorry and
Oh Sherry, I am so sorry and am sending my sympathy for the loss of your son. I will be praying for you and am sending along lots of gentle hugs.

Sue

Angie2U

sherryk said:

You are right, Denise. I
You are right, Denise. I had my son for 24 years and some people lose their children much younger. I do try to count my blessings but some days the darkness closes in. I guess it's all part of the process.

Losing your son and then
Losing your son and then being diagnosed with bc sounds incomprehensible. Please know how sorry I am for both.

I pray that your pain will lesson in time and you will feel good again being with your family.


Hugs, Angie

Megan M

eihtak said:

Everyone is different....
....and so true it takes a long time. I can't even imagine the feeling of losing a child! About six years ago the day my mom went into hospice after her fight with ovarion cancer my 16yr old daughter was air lifted to the hospital after Jaws of Life cut her out of her car after being T-boned by an erratic driver. She was on her way home from work at Subway at 4:00 in the afternoon! She spent those first few weeks fighting to live and we spent it in constant prayer! She made it, many scars that she proudly wears as a survivor, but I still tear up when I think of the what if...??? Being that close to loosing her, again I don't know where one gathers the strength in your shoes other than God. That does not work for some I know, but thats what works for me. Reality of everyday life is difficult when our minds keep going to these sad places. Like said, it takes time, one very small step at a time. Since being diagnosed with cancer (x2) along with a cancer diagnoses for my husband, depression has been knocking at my door also, right now I refuse to open the door! Sometimes we just can't keep it away tho, so maybe try a new counselor or support group, and also this site has been a great place for genuine help and concern. I don't like to resort to medication, but there is a time and place and can be of great help in getting you back into life. Your grandchildren should be the joy for you they were meant to be, and a good doctor will help you get there. Also don't underestimate the old standby of fresh air, exercise, and healthy diet. I always feel mentally stronger when I eat well, take a walk, and practice my yoga stretches and relaxation. Please keep in touch, we are always here for you. As always, all in my prayers.

So sorry for your loss. You
So sorry for your loss. You are surrounded now with pink sisters that are always here for you.