Support for family member with cancer

sunshine106
sunshine106 Member Posts: 2
in Colorectal Cancer #1
My sister is stage 4, preparing for a HIPEC procedure later this month. I want to do whatever I can to support her, and it's feeling like she doesn't want any help from anyone, or at least from me. Those of you in her position - help me. Do I back away? I don't want to add to her stress level, but doing nothing and tiptoeing on eggshells in every conversation for fear of upsetting her goes against everything in me. This is her battle, that has been made very clear. I am just support staff. How can I encourage her to allow me to do some supporting?

Comments

  • Brenda Bricco
    Brenda Bricco Member Posts: 579 Member
    #2
    Hello Sunshine,
    I am sorry
    Hello Sunshine,
    I am sorry to hear that your sister hasn't let you do what you want to do to help her. My advice to you is to write her a letter telling her what she means to you and how much you love her. She may not ever be able to open up to you about what she is feeling but if you tell her how much she is loved, atleast she will know. Maybe tell her you are going to back off but you will be waiting and wanting to do something to help.
    God bless you and your sister.
    Brenda
  • buckeye2
    buckeye2 Member Posts: 428 Member
    #3
    I am sure your sister is
    I am sure your sister is under tremendous stress these days. My husband had HIPEC in Nov. and the days prior were very difficult because he didn't want to talk. At Thanksgiving I gave my husbands sisters a forewarning not to bring up the subject. I would guess your sister is craving some normalcy so my advice would be to treat her as if she didn't have cancer and let her set the stage for whether or not to share more with you. Lisa
  • janie1
    janie1 Member Posts: 753 Member
    #4
    buckeye2 said:

    I am sure your sister is
    I am sure your sister is under tremendous stress these days. My husband had HIPEC in Nov. and the days prior were very difficult because he didn't want to talk. At Thanksgiving I gave my husbands sisters a forewarning not to bring up the subject. I would guess your sister is craving some normalcy so my advice would be to treat her as if she didn't have cancer and let her set the stage for whether or not to share more with you. Lisa

    family
    I don't know if you were a particularly close family before, but don't try to necessarily change all of that now. As the one with cancer, these are my desires:

    Let me be in control of my life, it' s hard enough without having to worry how I am coming across to everyone
    else.

    If you want to help, just be yourself. There's already too many changes.

    Don't ask a million questions, and don't pity me.

    I still want to enjoy many of the same things as before. I still want to watch the same stupid reality tv shows. I am just as interested in world and national news as before. I still like to laugh. I still like to hear about other people's business or whatever. Talking cancer 24/7 makes me irritable and exhausted.

    Please be calm. I need to be around calm people. Don't be jittery around me, wondering if you should do every little thing for me. As you can see, I am still able to walk, talk, take a shower, cook.
    ( At the time of my diagnosis, I actually made a woman mad, because she wanted to do something for me, but at the time there really wasn't anything that I needed, and i am pretty sure this was about food. Geezzzzzzz. She was so toxic, I had to sever any ties that I had with her.) Oh, and I guess that was my fault. Just saying. That's why we cancer folks get a little irritable.

    That's great that you asked this question here. Your sister really does appreciate you and what you are willing to do. Just let her take the lead. She may ask for more, if you don't make a big deal out of it.
    That's great that she is eligible for Hipec. That's a big step toward healing.
    If you have any other questions, please ask here too, whatever it is.
  • tommycat
    tommycat Member Posts: 790 Member
    #5
    Nothing to add as everyone
    Nothing to add as everyone else had some wonderful input. You are doing the best you can. she is doing the best she can. Try to relax into that space.
    Thinking of you~
  • Eltina21
    Eltina21 Member Posts: 173 Member
    #6
    Support
    You have received some great responses. She will come to you, just be there for her. The seven stages of grief are 1. shock & denial, 2. Pain and guilt, 3. Anger and Bargaining, 4. "Depression, reflection & Loneliness, 5. The upward turn, 6. Reconstruction and working through, 7. Acceptance & hope. My prayers are with you and your family.

    Peace and Blessings,
    Karen

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