I don't know what to say

dreamer007

Hissy_Fitz said:

Lisa....I wish I had your
Lisa....I wish I had your confidence in me. I am so not immune. I never feel "safe." When my Rangers lost the world series (for the second time in as many years), my first thought was, "Will I live to see them play for the championship again?"

Don't you dare go away forever, Lisa. You cannot just run off and leave us wondering if you reached a better place someday (and you will, trust me). Death and I will never be friends but we certainly aren't strangers. I have buried both my parents, my only sibling, two husbands and a grandchild. On the day after each of them died, I got up and was absolutely amazed to find that the world had not stopped turning. Everything went on around me, just as it had before, and eventually I had to go on too. Because the world won't stop and let us off.

Linda Dorian's death, and Nancy's, were very hard because they were so "real" to me. I talked to them both on the phone many times, and I met Nancy several times in person. I knew when they both turned their care over to Hospice, and both of them swore me to secrecy because they did not want to upset anyone on the board. I encouraged Linda not to follow their example. It is what it is, ladies. This disease spares few and claims many. Do not let it drive you into hiding - ever.

If it comes back for me, you will all have to listen to me whine and scream and cry, everyday, until I don't have the strength to type. And don't foget, I have phone numbers for some of you and I WILL use them!

I am totally pissed at God right now. Not speaking to Him - at all. (I realize God probably doesn't care, but that's His problem, not mine.)

Carlene

what to say
Carlene,

im a baseball fanatic, and had to respond to part of your comment about
the world serious... now u know what red sox fans had to live with until
redemption--the 2004 championship... we were one strike away from sweet
victory in 1986, then more heartache in 2003, with the Aaron Bleeping Boone
homer....it will happen, the Rangers are on the right track...they just need to
hope the umpire situation is cleaned up for the next trip to the fall classic
about the time i realized what was going on in game 6, with the egregious
calls, and the 'controversial' strikezone, i posted on facebook... then i went
to twitter, and Curt Schilling was saying the same thing, but a tad more diplomatically
than i had to... u might check out his blog 38pitches.com in a few weeks...i feel like
he is going to speak up about 'the fix'

ok, now back to ovca
im going for a second opinion this week, hopefully... must check with insurance
company to see if they cover it, and i only have copay...otherwise, i have to decide
what to do about my situation

dreamer

kikz

dreamer007 said:

what to say
Carlene,

im a baseball fanatic, and had to respond to part of your comment about
the world serious... now u know what red sox fans had to live with until
redemption--the 2004 championship... we were one strike away from sweet
victory in 1986, then more heartache in 2003, with the Aaron Bleeping Boone
homer....it will happen, the Rangers are on the right track...they just need to
hope the umpire situation is cleaned up for the next trip to the fall classic
about the time i realized what was going on in game 6, with the egregious
calls, and the 'controversial' strikezone, i posted on facebook... then i went
to twitter, and Curt Schilling was saying the same thing, but a tad more diplomatically
than i had to... u might check out his blog 38pitches.com in a few weeks...i feel like
he is going to speak up about 'the fix'

ok, now back to ovca
im going for a second opinion this week, hopefully... must check with insurance
company to see if they cover it, and i only have copay...otherwise, i have to decide
what to do about my situation

dreamer

The beauty of this board
is that we can express ourselves any way that we need to. And it is for anyone that this wicked monster has touched. I am sometimes hesitant to post good news when others are having a rough time but I do because I enjoy reading good news from other ladies. I also hesitate to post when I am worried because I am NED and figure what the heck do I have to complain about. But I will because I get the reassurance and support I need to keep moving forward. Everyone please keep posting whatever and whenever you need to. We all also have the choice to read or not read any of the postings.


Karen

lovesanimals

kikz said:

The beauty of this board
is that we can express ourselves any way that we need to. And it is for anyone that this wicked monster has touched. I am sometimes hesitant to post good news when others are having a rough time but I do because I enjoy reading good news from other ladies. I also hesitate to post when I am worried because I am NED and figure what the heck do I have to complain about. But I will because I get the reassurance and support I need to keep moving forward. Everyone please keep posting whatever and whenever you need to. We all also have the choice to read or not read any of the postings.


Karen

Everyone Is Welcomed
In the short time I've been on this board, I've seen how everyone is truly welcomed and how supportive and compassionate each of these ladies are. I understand completely what Karen is saying though. Having the good fortune to be NED, I know I would hesitate to bring a problem to this board when I know other ladies are really having a hard time. I too think "what the heck do I have to complain about?!" But also like Karen, I too will post when I need to because I know I will get the help and support that I need. Many thanks to each and every person who contributes to this board.

Kelly

Hissy_Fitz

lovesanimals said:

Everyone Is Welcomed
In the short time I've been on this board, I've seen how everyone is truly welcomed and how supportive and compassionate each of these ladies are. I understand completely what Karen is saying though. Having the good fortune to be NED, I know I would hesitate to bring a problem to this board when I know other ladies are really having a hard time. I too think "what the heck do I have to complain about?!" But also like Karen, I too will post when I need to because I know I will get the help and support that I need. Many thanks to each and every person who contributes to this board.

Kelly

Karen and Kelly...We NEED
Karen and Kelly...

We NEED you to post about your victories. It gives hope to women who make the mistake of getting their Google on right after diagnosis.

And we need to hear the truth of it, too. Plus, we owe Linda a huge debt for all she has meant to us, and all she has done for us. We will not abandon her now, when she needs us most.

MOST of the time we truly do welcome everyone.

Carlene

Radioactive34

Hissy_Fitz said:

Karen and Kelly...We NEED
Karen and Kelly...

We NEED you to post about your victories. It gives hope to women who make the mistake of getting their Google on right after diagnosis.

And we need to hear the truth of it, too. Plus, we owe Linda a huge debt for all she has meant to us, and all she has done for us. We will not abandon her now, when she needs us most.

MOST of the time we truly do welcome everyone.

Carlene

I totally agree with
I totally agree with Carlene. We need to hear it all. We help each other that way.

jbeans888

Radioactive34 said:

I totally agree with
I totally agree with Carlene. We need to hear it all. We help each other that way.

Lisa, you are like family
Lisa, you are like family here. You do belong not only in the bad, but also the good times. You sharing your journey and your mom's journey has helped us more than you know. I liked the post you posted about a the eggs it was entertaining. We care about you and even if it's not often please stop by to visit us. Xoxo

Mwee

Hissy_Fitz said:

Karen and Kelly...We NEED
Karen and Kelly...

We NEED you to post about your victories. It gives hope to women who make the mistake of getting their Google on right after diagnosis.

And we need to hear the truth of it, too. Plus, we owe Linda a huge debt for all she has meant to us, and all she has done for us. We will not abandon her now, when she needs us most.

MOST of the time we truly do welcome everyone.

Carlene

ditto, Carlene
This is THE place for sharing it all. I didn't find this board till I was three years into fighting the beast. The only info I had was statistics that you could google. I felt so alone. Getting through that initial surgery and rounds of chemo was terrifying. Here we have the chance to laugh and cry together, educate and learn, and support each other.
(((HUGS))) Maria

TiggersDoBounce

Lisa (sending hugs)
AND healing wishes....

Time does help rearrange the grief in your life, but loss is loss plain and simple.

I lost my Dad to Prostate 10 years ago, and I think of him daily, chat with him daily and relive the great memories and moments over and again. True gifts...

You were her amazing daughter of whom she is most proud. Focus on what she would want in your life. Keep her close in the good times and also the most difficult.

Your thoughts, feelings and perspectives always have a place in this community...

I hope the next three months are healing ones for you....

Stay well and check in when able!

Laurie

pattysoo

leesag said:

Lisa,
I lost my mother to
Lisa,

I lost my mother to mental illness when I was 20. Quite honestly, there is no easy way to get past the pain of a loss like that. 26 years later, I still tear up when I talk about her for extended times. Cancer sucks, I won't deny that at all, but the grief that you're feeling will gradually be replaced with the fond memories that you shared with your mom.

You are always welcome here, but we also understand if you need to move on (and you will someday if not right now.) As for those of us who continue to press on....and those of us who will eventually rest... I am fond of this poem:
Native American Prayer

I give you this one thought to keep -
I am with you still - I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awake in the morning's hush
I am the swift, uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not think of me as gone -
I am with you still - in each new dawn.


My body may not always be here, but my spirit will remain.

Hugs Honey!

Leesa

Prayer
This prayer totally does it for me. I'm copying it and saving it. Thanks for posting.

Lisak

lindaprocopio said:

(((LIsa))). I'm so sorry that my story has sharpened your grief
I took each death on this Board very hard, very personally, and know the dispair you talk about. For something so universal and inevitable, death still seems to catch us all unprepared and brings back all of those 'meaning of life' questions, and grief that was getting manageable feels fresh and sharp again. I'm so sorry that I now bring this reality here to the forefront again. I struggled with whether I should tell the final twists and turns of my journey. If it is too painful or frightening, just tell me, and I can keep the details to myself. I have a wonderful support system with my family and friends. I would sure understand; just let me know.

For me, Bonnie's almost-daily posts on CaringBridge allowed me to see how it might be at the end. As much as it hurt, Bonnie set the bar high on how to pass from this world to the next with incredible grace and until her last breath, she never stopped being the generous loving woman and the relentless FIGHTER we all knew her to be.
With Linda Dorian, posting from the hospital, she completely opened up with her fears and worries about Meghan, and her dismay at her swollen legs and belly, and tooth-pick arms. Her vulnerability in showing the human side of dying taught me that this was okay, too. Better to be genuine.
And I guess Nancy's final weeks hurt me the most, for we both had papillary serous cancer, were diagnosed the same month, 1st recurred the same month, and had our CA125 hit the stratosphere at the same time (and never went back down). Because of that, we had a special bond. It seemed we were on the same path, but I never thought she'd get to the end before me. I can't even talk about how sad and painful Nancy's death was for me, and won't go there now. But Nancy's final weeks probably are shaping my own self-care plan more than anyone's. In Hospice care, the materials all say that you don't have to eat if you don't feel like it, and caregivers are told they needn't force fluids. And you can't even imagine how much you DON'T want to eat when your digestive system in full of cancer; it makes you so uncomfortable. But I am drinking 4 cans daily of a 'medical food' so that I know I have at least 1000 calories and all the protein and vitamins/minerals to support life. Then I take a pain killer a half-hour before mealtimes, so that I am comfortable and so that I can easily eat at least something. And if it's something YUMMY, sometimes I can eat it all.

I'm way off track here. I really just wanted to give you a hug ((((Lisa)))) and find out if anyone else here would really like to see what hospice is like and if I should post details.

Linda
Linda, you and your family are in my prayers.. I love you girl!