what *not* to say to a cancer patient

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  • ginnyl
    ginnyl Member Posts: 38
    #22
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    tgf said:

    fine
    I know many of you have heard my response to something like that but I'll repeat it for the newbies ...

    I always just say "I'm fine." To me it means:

    Frustrated
    Insecure
    Neurotic
    Exhausted

    They hear "fine" and take it as everything is OK ... so the converstation ends ... but I know what I really meant!

    hugs.
    teena

    meaning of fine
    From the very begining i always said fine. I didnt know what those 4 lerrers stood for but girl u nailed it.f -fustrated i-irrated n-nurotic e-exausted.
  • lafera12
    lafera12 Member Posts: 63
    #23
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    debi.18 said:

    FINE
    Teena, I love it!

    I usually say fine, just 'cause it's the easist and quickest response, but now it will have new meaning! Thanks!

    Hugs,
    Debi

    I'm fine too..
    I loved it when people would tell me I was lucky and some still
    say that to me..
    Lucky for what, not getting sick, going bald, who knows.
    Yes, maybe I'm lucky now, I'm a three year survivor, but worry
    everyday that it doesn't come back and it will be like that for
    the rest of my life.

    Angie
  • disneyfan2008
    disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member
    #24
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    CypressCynthia said:

    I was dumbfounded when,
    I was dumbfounded when, about 3 months after chemo, a guy friend told me that I was psychologically addicted to my wig and that I didn't need it anymore. In my direct style, I pulled my wig off. I was still bald with just a few longish wisps of hair. The friend looked horrified and told me to put my wig back on.

    Please do not be offended by my story if you are one of the beautiful bald ladies. I just couldn't pull that off somehow (my insecurities).

    But whether you wear a head covering or not, it is not a "psychological addiction", in my opnion, but simply a way to cope with horrible situation. Some folks are better off keeping their lips zipped ;-)

    P.S. We are still friends and I forgave his idiot comment.

    we all do what we have to
    we all do what we have to do...for ourselves....

    IF you wig makes you feel GOOD about yourself...no one else should care...

    Denise
  • missrenee
    missrenee Member Posts: 2,136 Member
    #25
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    disneyfan2008 said:

    we all do what we have to
    we all do what we have to do...for ourselves....

    IF you wig makes you feel GOOD about yourself...no one else should care...

    Denise

    For me, my favorite was
    "well, at least they caught it early, right?" How in the world would someone know that--especially people I barely knew?! What I really wanted to answer was, "Well, actually ***hole, no they didn't--I'm Stage 3C with 10+ lymph nodes!" Thanks for making me feel really swell today!

    As you can tell, I'm really tired of the stupid comments--and so tired of making excuses for people because "they mean well" or "they just don't know what to say." My advice, Just Shut Up!

    Hugs, Renee
  • disneyfan2008
    disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member
    #26
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    missrenee said:

    For me, my favorite was
    "well, at least they caught it early, right?" How in the world would someone know that--especially people I barely knew?! What I really wanted to answer was, "Well, actually ***hole, no they didn't--I'm Stage 3C with 10+ lymph nodes!" Thanks for making me feel really swell today!

    As you can tell, I'm really tired of the stupid comments--and so tired of making excuses for people because "they mean well" or "they just don't know what to say." My advice, Just Shut Up!

    Hugs, Renee

    I totally agree with being
    I totally agree with being quiet on different note-I am not great at saying sorry for lose of family member so I just hug them..NO words so not to say something wrong...

    Worse things teen said to my teen daughter who is sensitive..I can't wait UNTIL your mom loses her hair...little did he know I did not need chemo..I told her...I just know he is ignorant and immature "doesn't hurt my feelings " so dont' let him hurt you..

    Denise
  • disneyfan2008
    disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member
    #27
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    lafera12 said:

    I'm fine too..
    I loved it when people would tell me I was lucky and some still
    say that to me..
    Lucky for what, not getting sick, going bald, who knows.
    Yes, maybe I'm lucky now, I'm a three year survivor, but worry
    everyday that it doesn't come back and it will be like that for
    the rest of my life.

    Angie

    I too 3 yrs past treatment
    BUT for some reason I feel funny...saying survivor..I just say I had BC 3 yrs ago..

    AM I odd man / lady out..for not saying "s" word?

    Denise
  • mana1
    mana1 Member Posts: 16
    #28
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    not what you want to hear!
    how about my partner and roommate saying, "they are only sending you for more tests and procedures so the doctors, hospitals and insurance companies can make more money" geez..
  • cabbott
    cabbott Member Posts: 1,039 Member
    #29
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    mana1 said:

    not what you want to hear!
    how about my partner and roommate saying, "they are only sending you for more tests and procedures so the doctors, hospitals and insurance companies can make more money" geez..

    Me too
    Unfortunately I've heard the same kind of comments. My husband insisted that they sent me for a biopsy so the doctors could take a vacation and the lumpectomy paid for the boat. He couldn't believe it when the 2nd opinion agreed I had cancer and needed a mastectomy. Then he said they were all in it together. He definately had some trust issues. This happened to me back in 2002. He still helped with driving me back and forth to the doctor and helped out in other ways in spite of his wacky opinions of doctors. It helped to have a sense of humor where he was concerned, though sometimes I didn't have much in the way of humor. I had to get most of my emotional support from other people. I admire those partners that stay dedicated throughout the day to day battles and understand the medical problems, but not all of us are so blessed. Good luck!
  • mana1
    mana1 Member Posts: 16
    #30
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    cabbott said:

    Me too
    Unfortunately I've heard the same kind of comments. My husband insisted that they sent me for a biopsy so the doctors could take a vacation and the lumpectomy paid for the boat. He couldn't believe it when the 2nd opinion agreed I had cancer and needed a mastectomy. Then he said they were all in it together. He definately had some trust issues. This happened to me back in 2002. He still helped with driving me back and forth to the doctor and helped out in other ways in spite of his wacky opinions of doctors. It helped to have a sense of humor where he was concerned, though sometimes I didn't have much in the way of humor. I had to get most of my emotional support from other people. I admire those partners that stay dedicated throughout the day to day battles and understand the medical problems, but not all of us are so blessed. Good luck!

    thank you!
    nice to know other men react the same way! it does make it a little difficult when he is my only support... my family just denies it all.. and doesn't talk. i am so very thankful i found this place! my own online journal ;}
  • mamolady
    mamolady Member Posts: 796 Member
    #31
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    missrenee said:

    For me, my favorite was
    "well, at least they caught it early, right?" How in the world would someone know that--especially people I barely knew?! What I really wanted to answer was, "Well, actually ***hole, no they didn't--I'm Stage 3C with 10+ lymph nodes!" Thanks for making me feel really swell today!

    As you can tell, I'm really tired of the stupid comments--and so tired of making excuses for people because "they mean well" or "they just don't know what to say." My advice, Just Shut Up!

    Hugs, Renee

    I get that all the time
    I just say at least it wasn't stage 4 or it could have been worse...... When they ask if it was found with the mammo is even tougher. I don't want people to think the mammo is useless for everyone just because it was for me......

    Let's see if people get more sensitive this month or for the holidays!

    Cidy
  • sweetvickid
    sweetvickid Member Posts: 459 Member
    #32
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    mana1 said:

    thank you!
    nice to know other men react the same way! it does make it a little difficult when he is my only support... my family just denies it all.. and doesn't talk. i am so very thankful i found this place! my own online journal ;}

    When asked I would tell
    When asked I would tell people I am doing good. Had one acquantance give me an odd look when I said that. Once we were alone she said,"What the hell does doing good mean? YOu look like crap! Be honest with me. i really want to know. So I told her when I say doing good it means that compared to how I felt last week and compared to how others are doing I think I am doing preety good.

    I told her most people really don't want to know the truth so I just tell them I am doing good. She agreed with me.

    She ended up being a great support to me because she really did want to know how I felt. Her mother had went thru breast cancer so she knew what I was going thru. A few days before my next round of chemo she would show up to take me out. Some times all we did was take a ride because that was all I was up to, other time we went out an ate to the show or shopping. If I needed to talk she listened, if I didn't want to think of cancer she would entertain me and keep me laughing. I told her she really helped me to stop dreading the next round of chemo.
  • Tkitty
    Tkitty Member Posts: 56
    #33
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    sweetvickid said:

    When asked I would tell
    When asked I would tell people I am doing good. Had one acquantance give me an odd look when I said that. Once we were alone she said,"What the hell does doing good mean? YOu look like crap! Be honest with me. i really want to know. So I told her when I say doing good it means that compared to how I felt last week and compared to how others are doing I think I am doing preety good.

    I told her most people really don't want to know the truth so I just tell them I am doing good. She agreed with me.

    She ended up being a great support to me because she really did want to know how I felt. Her mother had went thru breast cancer so she knew what I was going thru. A few days before my next round of chemo she would show up to take me out. Some times all we did was take a ride because that was all I was up to, other time we went out an ate to the show or shopping. If I needed to talk she listened, if I didn't want to think of cancer she would entertain me and keep me laughing. I told her she really helped me to stop dreading the next round of chemo.

    mammo
    My yearly mammogram didn't "see" my tumor either. I felt it and called my doctor. You can't count on the "tests" catching everything. I had people telling me that "I didn't know you were sick." I didn't feel sick from the tumor, I felt sick after the chemo, surgery and radiation treatments. And, I still look good. I wonder if I looked bad before???
  • Cancergirl
    Cancergirl Member Posts: 2 Member
    #34
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    Are you kidding me???
    One of my sisters told me that "God will only give this to people that can "handle" it." This was after I survived breast cancer, metastatic breast cancer to my bones, metastatic breast cancer to my lungs AND new heart damage. Are you kidding me??? Unbelieveable.
  • Cancergirl
    Cancergirl Member Posts: 2 Member
    #35
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    Are you kidding me???
    One of my sisters told me that "God will only give this to people that can "handle" it." This was after I survived breast cancer, metastatic breast cancer to my bones, metastatic breast cancer to my lungs AND new heart damage. Are you kidding me??? Unbelieveable.
  • natly15
    natly15 Member Posts: 1,941
    #36
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    Cancergirl said:

    Are you kidding me???
    One of my sisters told me that "God will only give this to people that can "handle" it." This was after I survived breast cancer, metastatic breast cancer to my bones, metastatic breast cancer to my lungs AND new heart damage. Are you kidding me??? Unbelieveable.

    Well I dont really believe
    Well I dont really believe God gives us cancer, but there is a scripture that says he will give us strengh to get thru trials and also give us a door to exit if it is too much to handle. Cancergirl, Maybe that's what your sister meant. It really doesnt matter what she meant because all those comments are simply stupid. People really dont know what to say, and I didnt either. Now that I've been thru it, I just want to hear "I care and I'm here for you".

    I love the FINE definition.
  • BetsyJane
    BetsyJane Member Posts: 127
    #37
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    natly15 said:

    Well I dont really believe
    Well I dont really believe God gives us cancer, but there is a scripture that says he will give us strengh to get thru trials and also give us a door to exit if it is too much to handle. Cancergirl, Maybe that's what your sister meant. It really doesnt matter what she meant because all those comments are simply stupid. People really dont know what to say, and I didnt either. Now that I've been thru it, I just want to hear "I care and I'm here for you".

    I love the FINE definition.

    That's why I told very few people
    I told very few people about me and after reading the comments from others above is one of the reasons I didn't tell. I only told my husband (because he would have found out anyway) and my sister, brother and a very close friend. My sister had cancer years ago and told everyone and she said to me one day, "I just don't understand why you want to keep it a secret". I felt a little bad she said that to me. It's a personal thing. Everyone is different. I just don't want people to know about me period! I'm really happy I told very few. But like I said, it was my personal decision.
  • joannstar
    joannstar Member Posts: 403 Member
    #38
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    One of my favorites was
    just after my diagnosis (before my treatment of 2 lumpectomies, 6 rounds of chemo and 33 rads), my co-worker said: "At least you only have breast cancer...that's treatable." Duh...ONLY, isn't breast cancer enough? I was dumbfounded and remained silent.
    JoAnn
  • susie09
    susie09 Member Posts: 2,930
    #39
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    disneyfan2008 said:

    we all do what we have to
    we all do what we have to do...for ourselves....

    IF you wig makes you feel GOOD about yourself...no one else should care...

    Denise

    I alwayssssssssss hated the
    I alwayssssssssss hated the " You Look so Good!" Like what am I supposed to look like, death or something?

    I know people meant well, so, I just always smile and say a big thanks.

    But, inside I am growling at them! LOL
  • Lynn Smith
    Lynn Smith Member Posts: 1,264 Member
    #40
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    joannstar said:

    One of my favorites was
    just after my diagnosis (before my treatment of 2 lumpectomies, 6 rounds of chemo and 33 rads), my co-worker said: "At least you only have breast cancer...that's treatable." Duh...ONLY, isn't breast cancer enough? I was dumbfounded and remained silent.
    JoAnn

    I started out telling alot of people
    I started out telling alot of people but now I am very discreet.I tell some I am not into the pink thing anymore.My bracelet I wore everyday came off.Necklace too.Yesterday I saw a 16 year old girl with a beautiful pink ribbon necklace.I did thank her for wearing it because I am a 2 year survivor.Just I thought that was unusual for a teen who didn't know of anyone with bc. And of course this is Breast Cancer Month. It's just the adults I don't want to know.
    The adults who haven't been through it have no feelings.At least those I know.Best friends yes but many others no.

    For the comments one in particular comes to mind. An aquaintance said "I looked good and I wish the best for me".Said "she thinks about me BUT she will not pray". She said she never prays for anything.That is something so many of us do.Pray things come out the best for us. This lady is very intelligent, articulate, mannerly and professional but will never Pray.At least she thinks of me.

    Lynn Smith
  • LoveBabyJesus
    LoveBabyJesus Member Posts: 1,679 Member
    #41
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    Cancergirl said:

    Are you kidding me???
    One of my sisters told me that "God will only give this to people that can "handle" it." This was after I survived breast cancer, metastatic breast cancer to my bones, metastatic breast cancer to my lungs AND new heart damage. Are you kidding me??? Unbelieveable.

    God doesn't give this to
    God doesn't give this to people. And he definitely doesn't punish people either. He is a God of LOVE. Ugh!

    Everyone has inner power and strength to overcome many things in life. And when you have faith is even better. I think if this happens to anyone, they'd know how to handle it, even if it takes them longer than others. I don't believe there are people who can handle and some who can't. Once you decide you want to LIVE, you'll fight.

    We just need to let those comments slide...it's OK.

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