Acceptance and Betrayal. (i know you're reading this N. so here it is)
Comments
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I agree with all above~VickiSam said:Talk about an invasion of your 'privacy' and personal
space. . .. Its as if 'N' came into your home, opened every drawer, closet and cabinet --- totaling violating your private space.
I could never ever .. venture to guess how or why anyone would want to 'stalk' another human being -- whether it be shadowing them in a car - watching their every move, or logging onto a 'Cancer' Support site to see what she/he is posting. Baffles my mind, soul and spirit.
I know 'N' time would be better served if she volunteered at an Oncology Center -- getting up close and personal with several cancer patients, helping them thru the throes of chemo therapy. Maybe then 'N' could legitimized / address some of her emotional emptiness.
This is your 'SAFE HAVEN', Heatherbelle -- don't allow anyone to take that away from you. What makes a person like this tick??? Socio-path .. If you had 'N''s sign in .. we could also forward that onto Greta.
Gentle hugs,
Vicki Sam
Heather, please don't let this person drive you from posting and responding to the kindreds. Truly your space has been violated like vicki sam said~ what we have is a connection on a level most can't grasp~
Take some time to catch your breath, but please~don't stray too far from us, we need each other. The older I get, the more I learn about friendships, good and not good. Choosing what is healthy to be around, and what is not~ my cancer journey has helped me learn to discern between the two. It is hard to pull back from some long term relationships, but I have felt a great deal of peace because the benefits of not having to deal with "stuff" anymore is a relief. You can sense when it is not healthy~
I am in awe of your passion to speak out for the cause, and for the fire of love for your daughters that fuels it~ You keep fighting, keep sharing, keep honking your cancer horn and shout to the world that a cure must be found~~
~Melanie0 -
Heather - the only thing IVickiSam said:Talk about an invasion of your 'privacy' and personal
space. . .. Its as if 'N' came into your home, opened every drawer, closet and cabinet --- totaling violating your private space.
I could never ever .. venture to guess how or why anyone would want to 'stalk' another human being -- whether it be shadowing them in a car - watching their every move, or logging onto a 'Cancer' Support site to see what she/he is posting. Baffles my mind, soul and spirit.
I know 'N' time would be better served if she volunteered at an Oncology Center -- getting up close and personal with several cancer patients, helping them thru the throes of chemo therapy. Maybe then 'N' could legitimized / address some of her emotional emptiness.
This is your 'SAFE HAVEN', Heatherbelle -- don't allow anyone to take that away from you. What makes a person like this tick??? Socio-path .. If you had 'N''s sign in .. we could also forward that onto Greta.
Gentle hugs,
Vicki Sam
Heather - the only thing I can add to these wonderful
replies of support you've received from all our pink
sisters is that I, too, am so sorry that N betrayed
you and your friendship. She totally does not get it.
She really stalked you and that is scary.
You add much to these boards and I hope you will feel
your way to come here when YOU need too. I am sending
love & hugs your way.
Teresa0 -
Heather,
If you still feel
Heather,
If you still feel unable to post here after all the wonderful responses, please find some place to call your safe place. You deserve to feel safe. Other than that, I can't add any more to the other voices here......
I am glad you are focusing on destroying cancer. I too am hoping to help destroy cancer mostly by raising money for ACS right now. I have 2 girls and 2 grand daughters, so I know exactly how you feel!
Take care of yourself,
Cindy0 -
Heather
I too joined this board because I needed to be linked to others who have had the same experience as I had. Joining this support system does not mean I love my family and friends any less. In fact, if they truly love and support me, then this is what they want for me.
Remember you are joined and linked to us for you, your girls, this cause, your healing. Please make this decision based on that. Your input and sharing is invaluable.
Hugs,
Sylvia0 -
Terrible!
"N" shame on you!!! Friends do not sneak behind ones back and invade ones privacy! Your selfish actions have hurt Heather who has worked so hard to get to a place or normalcy, you have betrayed her and yet you hide under the guise of friendship. I cannot waste anymore of my time on you and I hope that Heather does not either as your are a TOXIC individual!
Heather~my heart aches for you, I am truly sorry this rather underhanded event has hurt you so! You will be greatly missed on this board, you are one in a million and I am proud to have you as one of my sister's in pink a true kindred!
RE0 -
Hmmm FriendshipHeatherbelle said:Cynthia i just had a friend
Cynthia i just had a friend of mine who isn't one of my "cancer friends" as she says come on to CSN and read all of my posts and then get mad at me for some of the things that I said on here, and we've had a hard time with our friendship since I stopped treatment because I'm not the same as I was before cancer, and we had a big argument yesterday. I have talked in posts on here about our friendship before, and how we were butting heads, and she thought I was replacing her with new friends, and I thought she ws having a hard time accepting the "new me" - and instead of talking it out with me she came onto CSN and looked me up and read through all of my posts on here, and then she got mad because I said things that she didn't like.
I'm still on here, but I just won't be putting my issues on here - I will still be here to offer my love & support to everyone, but I feel like everything i say on here is going to be under a microscope now and that makes me upset because like i said, this was my "safe place".
xoxo love you too
Heather,
I've read all the replies and yours and I understand how you feel. You are different and have a different outlook on life. You friend probably doesn't understand the change she wants you to be the same old Heather. I would bet her morality got pushed in the for front of your life. Alot of people cannot deal with that. Death o my gosh people can't face it.
My husband even had a hard time. I'm a cancer survior.
By, reading the things you wrote on this page, I believe she was grasping at straws and panicking trying to find something she could relate to or understand. But, instead she didn't look at things in a postive way.
N shouldn't of read your writing she should of come to you and nicely talked with you about the problems you two are having.
You could still turn this around if you find the friendship is worth keeping. And, You know after everything you been through. this really is a bump in the road of life. LIfe is the IMPORTANT THING AND FINDING A CURE IS THE IMPORTANT THING. LIVE LIFE LIKE IS THE LAST DAY. One thing I would suggest is to invite her to help you get the word out and become a actvist for cancer. To find a Cure. Fight for a Cure together as Friends. If she then doesn't want to be apart of it/after reading up on cancer etc. you done all you can. When walk away. Some friends are Toxic And you just have to live without them and not worry about them and what they do. And, move on.
I realize this is a different view from most. But, I believe the we are different and life is short and that those who haven't had cancer don't understand and can't understand. WE LOOK AT LIFE IN A DIFFERENT WAY AND IF YOU HAVE KIDS YOU GO INTO OVERDRIVE TO FIND A CURE SO THAT THEY NEVER HAD TO DEAL WITH THIS. We fight for our lifes everyday. And, think about Cancer everyday. So sometimes I think we need to invite our friends who don't understand us/it can be family to, to become involved in the fight for the cure. I helped me.0 -
Hmmm FriendshipHeatherbelle said:Cynthia i just had a friend
Cynthia i just had a friend of mine who isn't one of my "cancer friends" as she says come on to CSN and read all of my posts and then get mad at me for some of the things that I said on here, and we've had a hard time with our friendship since I stopped treatment because I'm not the same as I was before cancer, and we had a big argument yesterday. I have talked in posts on here about our friendship before, and how we were butting heads, and she thought I was replacing her with new friends, and I thought she ws having a hard time accepting the "new me" - and instead of talking it out with me she came onto CSN and looked me up and read through all of my posts on here, and then she got mad because I said things that she didn't like.
I'm still on here, but I just won't be putting my issues on here - I will still be here to offer my love & support to everyone, but I feel like everything i say on here is going to be under a microscope now and that makes me upset because like i said, this was my "safe place".
xoxo love you too
Heather,
I've read all the replies and yours and I understand how you feel. You are different and have a different outlook on life. You friend probably doesn't understand the change she wants you to be the same old Heather. I would bet her morality got pushed in the for front of your life. Alot of people cannot deal with that. Death o my gosh people can't face it.
My husband even had a hard time. I'm a cancer survior.
By, reading the things you wrote on this page, I believe she was grasping at straws and panicking trying to find something she could relate to or understand. But, instead she didn't look at things in a postive way.
N shouldn't of read your writing she should of come to you and nicely talked with you about the problems you two are having.
You could still turn this around if you find the friendship is worth keeping. And, You know after everything you been through. this really is a bump in the road of life. LIfe is the IMPORTANT THING AND FINDING A CURE IS THE IMPORTANT THING. LIVE LIFE LIKE IS THE LAST DAY. One thing I would suggest is to invite her to help you get the word out and become a actvist for cancer. To find a Cure. Fight for a Cure together as Friends. If she then doesn't want to be apart of it/after reading up on cancer etc. you done all you can. When walk away. Some friends are Toxic And you just have to live without them and not worry about them and what they do. And, move on.
I realize this is a different view from most. But, I believe the we are different and life is short and that those who haven't had cancer don't understand and can't understand. WE LOOK AT LIFE IN A DIFFERENT WAY AND IF YOU HAVE KIDS YOU GO INTO OVERDRIVE TO FIND A CURE SO THAT THEY NEVER HAD TO DEAL WITH THIS. We fight for our lifes everyday. And, think about Cancer everyday. So sometimes I think we need to invite our friends who don't understand us/it can be family to, to become involved in the fight for the cure. I helped me.0 -
The simple answer:
Tell "N" to get the heck out of YOUR business and mind her OWN!!!! Otherwise, you could start posting some of HER 'secrets' on public sites like Facebook...and there, there is no shielding of names....
The only good thing that has come of this is that you now know who is NOT a trusted friend!!! I had a gal, based on me foolishly telling my deepest secrets, report me as a bad mother to my emotionally disturbed daughter. After 4 MONTHS in court (yes, once a week...) she and the CPS gal looked like fools when the judge said a few strong words about the lies that were told about me....sigh....
This 'N' is as bad as cancer, itself!
Hugs, Kathi
(still here lurking, just not posting very often...)0 -
Betrayal of Trust
I am so sorry to read of your friend's betrayal, Heather. You can afford to replace this person as your friend. She isn't one and I do hope she reads all these messages to you and what everyone thinks about her.
A quote of Thomas Jefferson says it all.
"Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as she who has felt the same wound herself? "
That is why we come to place like these. Don't let her win, keep posting.
My very best to you,
Doris0 -
Good response Suzanne!Double Whammy said:Dear N:
Since you decided to read Heather's posts, I hope you read our responses and also read some other posts and learned something about us and the fears, hopes, joys and disaappointments we all share on our journeys. In fact, if you read other boards, you should learn that all cancer survivors experience the same kinds of emotions and have the same needs - particularly someone who understands. Please understand that you do not understand unless you've experienced personally a cancer diagnosis.
Most people who advocate for any cause have had their lives personally effected in some way by whatever the cause is. It's the way it is. We network professionally, personally, and spiritually. You know, birds of the feather. We volunteer our time for causes we feel passionate about and that passion most often comes from a personal experience.
If you read some of the posts, you'll learn that many of us have been hurt by remarks and interactions from friends and relatives. And we have been hurt deeply by comments and judgments. We're fragile and vulnerable. Please learn this. And stop. I'd have to say, tho, that this is the first time I've known of someone being hurt in this way.
Speaking for myself (can't do it for others you know), I've gained more support and understanding from other cancer survivors (here or personally) than from my friends and family. Not that they don't care - they just don't get it. I don't share my fears with acquaintenances. In fact, peeps who know me but are not close think I breezed through treatments and comment about what a positive attitude I have. Even my medical oncologist commented about how positive I am. Well, I am - except when I'm not. These women (and men) understand.
Please learn and support Heather in her advocacy and understand that just because you don't think it's something that you would do or feel, she's taken lemons and made lemonade out of them.
Heather, I'm so sorry this has happened to you! It's rather unbelievable that your privacy was invaded. I guess we all share that risk on a public forum, but I hope you find a way to get around the sense of being watched and can once again come to us when you need a shoulder. You must have trusted N to share with her that you post on this forum. It must feel awful to learn that someone you trusted didn't respect your privacy.
Suzanne
This is just crazy and so selfish, no? How can someone not think of other people when they're going through a tough time like this? This is the part I don't get.
Heather - so sorry you have to go through this, as if you didn't have enough to be concerned about? We're here for you, always.0 -
Hi Heatherbelle,SIROD said:Betrayal of Trust
I am so sorry to read of your friend's betrayal, Heather. You can afford to replace this person as your friend. She isn't one and I do hope she reads all these messages to you and what everyone thinks about her.
A quote of Thomas Jefferson says it all.
"Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as she who has felt the same wound herself? "
That is why we come to place like these. Don't let her win, keep posting.
My very best to you,
Doris
Perhaps you
Hi Heatherbelle,
Perhaps you should adopt a secret identity for when you need to vent, cry, share, or whatever. You could show up as the Delightful Heatherbelle for sharing with others, etc., but when YOU need to have a 'safe place' to land you could be someone with a totally different name and photo (or no photo). I'd keep your secret!
Sorry your friend betrayed you, I know it hurts.
Chickadee0 -
Hate to see you leave us just because "N" messed in yourCAchick said:To quote my grand-daughter
Hi Heather,
To quote my grand-daughter Hazel (who is three) THIS IS BIDICULOUS!! (She can't say ridiculous...)
Talk about your self centered "friend"!!!
Sorry this happened to you,
Sybil
private business. Have you thought about coming back with a different user name? And a different picture? You can PM your frineds list and let us know how to find you without "N" getting that info.0 -
Are we the omly ones that change
I started this journey in juune of 2000 and still doing herceptin every three weeksand will for life. I get so aggervated when i forget something its chemo fogbut my friends same age its a senior moment. I get up and i have ahes abd pains now i am only 62 years of age and its from cancer but my friends have the same its there age. Do we really change that much cant some of our problems be age. I babysit grandkids do laundry .clean out closets, cut the grass on a riding lawn mower , go grocery shopping,to church and occational will meet a girl friend for lunch and at the end of the day i am tireed but mines because its cancer, The only thing I can blame cancer on is my left arm has severe lymphdemia in it and i dont have the strentgh in it as i didd and cancer is the cause for that. so beforethanks for letting me we let are friends label just tell them i am aging just like u
.thanks for letting me vent0 -
Hey.... You...
On the 20th of September I went online for the first time in over a year. And, saw your story, I understood it because it felt simuilar to things I might of done years ago. I was insecure and had no self confendence. When I felt like I was loosing a friend I did everything I could to try to keep that person as a friend. Usually it didn't work. Because I did something stupid and made it worst. Now none of my friends had cancer so in that this is different. But, everything else feels the same. I'm not saying that what N did was right or arguing with you was right. By all means I she shouldn't be doing that stuff. But, maybe she doesn't know how to express her she correctly. She panicking....
It took me awhile to learn gain the confedence in myself and to like myself. To beable to not worry if people liked me or not.And, to stop doing those things. Life is much nicer not doing those things. Much less drama...... That also, meant getting rid of people that helped cause the drama. It happens.... that the circle of friends move in and out. N might not know that.
I don't know what you guys have said and I trully am not defending N. I did want to give you a different angle to look at all of this by.
I would love to talk to you in person about this. I think I could give you alot of support.
dobielynn
P.S. no I'm not weird.0 -
Hey.... You...
On the 20th of September I went online for the first time in over a year. And, saw your story, I understood it because it felt simuilar to things I might of done years ago. I was insecure and had no self confendence. When I felt like I was loosing a friend I did everything I could to try to keep that person as a friend. Usually it didn't work. Because I did something stupid and made it worst. Now none of my friends had cancer so in that this is different. But, everything else feels the same. I'm not saying that what N did was right or arguing with you was right. By all means I she shouldn't be doing that stuff. But, maybe she doesn't know how to express her she correctly. She panicking....
It took me awhile to learn gain the confedence in myself and to like myself. To beable to not worry if people liked me or not.And, to stop doing those things. Life is much nicer not doing those things. Much less drama...... That also, meant getting rid of people that helped cause the drama. It happens.... that the circle of friends move in and out. N might not know that.
I don't know what you guys have said and I trully am not defending N. I did want to give you a different angle to look at all of this by.
I would love to talk to you in person about this. I think I could give you alot of support.
dobielynn
P.S. no I'm not weird.0 -
Hey.... You...
On the 20th of September I went online for the first time in over a year. And, saw your story, I understood it because it felt simuilar to things I might of done years ago. I was insecure and had no self confendence. When I felt like I was loosing a friend I did everything I could to try to keep that person as a friend. Usually it didn't work. Because I did something stupid and made it worst. Now none of my friends had cancer so in that this is different. But, everything else feels the same. I'm not saying that what N did was right or arguing with you was right. By all means I she shouldn't be doing that stuff. But, maybe she doesn't know how to express her she correctly. She panicking....
It took me awhile to learn gain the confedence in myself and to like myself. To beable to not worry if people liked me or not.And, to stop doing those things. Life is much nicer not doing those things. Much less drama...... That also, meant getting rid of people that helped cause the drama. It happens.... that the circle of friends move in and out. N might not know that.
I don't know what you guys have said and I trully am not defending N. I did want to give you a different angle to look at all of this by.
I would love to talk to you in person about this. I think I could give you alot of support.
dobielynn
P.S. no I'm not weird.0 -
Just had to share my opinionDobielynn said:Hey.... You...
On the 20th of September I went online for the first time in over a year. And, saw your story, I understood it because it felt simuilar to things I might of done years ago. I was insecure and had no self confendence. When I felt like I was loosing a friend I did everything I could to try to keep that person as a friend. Usually it didn't work. Because I did something stupid and made it worst. Now none of my friends had cancer so in that this is different. But, everything else feels the same. I'm not saying that what N did was right or arguing with you was right. By all means I she shouldn't be doing that stuff. But, maybe she doesn't know how to express her she correctly. She panicking....
It took me awhile to learn gain the confedence in myself and to like myself. To beable to not worry if people liked me or not.And, to stop doing those things. Life is much nicer not doing those things. Much less drama...... That also, meant getting rid of people that helped cause the drama. It happens.... that the circle of friends move in and out. N might not know that.
I don't know what you guys have said and I trully am not defending N. I did want to give you a different angle to look at all of this by.
I would love to talk to you in person about this. I think I could give you alot of support.
dobielynn
P.S. no I'm not weird.
Just had to share my opinion as well. I have mentioned before that I have gained and lost friends through this ever changing journey. I think it just stands to reason that we now share a bond with people who have been through what we have. How could anyone NOT get that?? Would you not understand if your friend bonded with someone who recently was divorced, widowed etc?? I used to think " I know what you mean' said it all....but unless you have truly been through it...it doesn't mean crap! I have found the friends I have made ( mostly through cyber) are some of my closest now. And I wouldn't give them up for anything!!! Please try to put her pettiness aside and continue to come to an outlet where you are understood, supported, humored, saddened, inspired, etc!!!!0 -
Just my opinion here---I
Just my opinion here---I think you need to re-evaluate this friendship. It doesn't sound to me like she is your friend. I don't think a true friend would have done what she has. It looks like to me you'd be better off without her kind of friend.
judy0
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