Acceptance and Betrayal. (i know you're reading this N. so here it is)
I'm almost a year post-chemo. My hair is back, I had a complete hysterectomy a week ago due to my BRCA1 status, and am getting my life back. I am adjusting well to the "new me" but there are others in my life who aren't as comfortable with my "new self". Who think that I "dwell" on breast cancer. And specifically, who have come on to this site to read my posts, and gotten angry at me for sharing MY thoughts and feelings with you all-all of you who "get it", understand, and have "been there", and can offer me support and kinship that nobody else in my life can. I feel tremendously betrayed - like someone has read my diary or something. I have not replaced my friends and family with my "cancer friends" like this person has said - but there are things in my life that I prefer to discuss with and share with you all -because my other friends can offer all the support and love in the world, and they do, but without having been through it, they just don't get it.
I choose to make breast cancer on the forefront in my life. Not to dwell on it, or to be "woe is me", or to get people's sympathy. I do it for mostly selfish reasons. The fact of the matter is that my girls are going to face tremendous risks as they grow up. So I am doing everything that I can in MY power to raise awareness, share my store, give speeches, do interviews, and raise money - because that's ALL that I can do, as a mom, for my daughters regarding this. I want to find a cure before they have to worry about it.
So as stated above, I am NOT leaving CSN, but unfortunately it is no longer my safe place to share my thoughts, feelings, fears, triumphs, and I'm pissed about that. But I can't have people in my life coming back to me and getting mad and causing me stress and drama because they don't like what I've had to say on MY online "support group" and message boards. I will still be here like I said to help out in every way that I can, and to support you all and share my experiences when I feel that I can be helpful, but that's it. So many people in our lives do not understand, they can't, without having been there. Most of our friends and family adjust to the "new us" right along with us. Apparently some just can't accept the changed people who we are.
*love and hugs*
Heather
Comments
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Dear Heather, I am
Dear Heather, I am dumbfounded and must have missed something going on. I don't even know who N is??
Just wanted to say though that I love you and hope that you stay here. Dramas on the MB come and go; leave the bad and take the good!0 -
Cynthia i just had a friendCypressCynthia said:Dear Heather, I am
Dear Heather, I am dumbfounded and must have missed something going on. I don't even know who N is??
Just wanted to say though that I love you and hope that you stay here. Dramas on the MB come and go; leave the bad and take the good!
Cynthia i just had a friend of mine who isn't one of my "cancer friends" as she says come on to CSN and read all of my posts and then get mad at me for some of the things that I said on here, and we've had a hard time with our friendship since I stopped treatment because I'm not the same as I was before cancer, and we had a big argument yesterday. I have talked in posts on here about our friendship before, and how we were butting heads, and she thought I was replacing her with new friends, and I thought she ws having a hard time accepting the "new me" - and instead of talking it out with me she came onto CSN and looked me up and read through all of my posts on here, and then she got mad because I said things that she didn't like.
I'm still on here, but I just won't be putting my issues on here - I will still be here to offer my love & support to everyone, but I feel like everything i say on here is going to be under a microscope now and that makes me upset because like i said, this was my "safe place".
xoxo love you too
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What a loss to the
What a loss to the Kindreds,and what a violation of your safe place! That is what I call CSN; our safe place to land, and I am sorry that it isn't that place for you right now. As Lorrie said, you bring such eloquence and wit to the board. And now, because of the actions of an interloper, one who came here to read specifically about YOU ( but evidently not to learn and become empathetic, or a nicer, gentler family member)your safe place has been violated. This violation affects you of course, but the domino affect affects all of us who will miss what you have always brought to the boards.
I understand that this is a public forum, and for that reason we see spammers, and imposters from time time. I think these anonymous ones, though certainly upsetting, are easier to "get over" becuase they are unknown to us. But you know this person, sweet Heather, which makes it all the more dispicable.
I am glad that we are Friends other than here on CSN...but I will miss you here on the boards. :-(
Hugs,
Chen♥0 -
Heather!!!!cahjah75 said:Heather
I'm so sorry this has happened. You will be missed but I totally understand. As a mother, I too worry about my daughter and my granddaughters. Take care of yourself.
{{hugs}} Char
I'm sorry too,your friend is very selfish sounds like,your life has changed and it will never be like it use to be because of this disease.sounds like we need to do f/b and inbox where nobody can see but who you want and if "N" See's this i want them to know with friends like that you really can do without !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!no stress, love you girl!!!! MOLLYZ0 -
I am so sorry this haschenheart said:What a loss to the
What a loss to the Kindreds,and what a violation of your safe place! That is what I call CSN; our safe place to land, and I am sorry that it isn't that place for you right now. As Lorrie said, you bring such eloquence and wit to the board. And now, because of the actions of an interloper, one who came here to read specifically about YOU ( but evidently not to learn and become empathetic, or a nicer, gentler family member)your safe place has been violated. This violation affects you of course, but the domino affect affects all of us who will miss what you have always brought to the boards.
I understand that this is a public forum, and for that reason we see spammers, and imposters from time time. I think these anonymous ones, though certainly upsetting, are easier to "get over" becuase they are unknown to us. But you know this person, sweet Heather, which makes it all the more dispicable.
I am glad that we are Friends other than here on CSN...but I will miss you here on the boards. :-(
Hugs,
Chen♥
I am so sorry this has happened! I understand that your friend may be jealous but she needs to realize that this is a club that none of us wanted to join but now that we are in it, we need the understanding that only those of us with ca can truly understand. If this person doesnt understand that then the selfishness is on their part. You are not the one who should suffer. You need to keep peace in your heart with your health etc. Dont worry about this person, they can read at their OWN risk not yours! Peace sister!!! Cory 0 -
HeatherCorinna11 said:I am so sorry this has
I am so sorry this has happened! I understand that your friend may be jealous but she needs to realize that this is a club that none of us wanted to join but now that we are in it, we need the understanding that only those of us with ca can truly understand. If this person doesnt understand that then the selfishness is on their part. You are not the one who should suffer. You need to keep peace in your heart with your health etc. Dont worry about this person, they can read at their OWN risk not yours! Peace sister!!! Cory
Heather, I'm so sorry someone has made you feel that this is no longer a safe haven for you. While we totally understand and will support you and keep you and your daughters in our prayers, I'm so sorry that it's come to this.
I believe the fact that it has shows that there are people in all of our lives who don't get that the "new" people that we are will never be the old ones that we were. That's why this board is so important to us, no matter how often or infrequently, we're here.
I undetstand you doing what you need to do to feel safe. Know that you're in our hearts and prayers always.
love and hugs,
marge0 -
My two cents worth...mwallace1325 said:Heather
Heather, I'm so sorry someone has made you feel that this is no longer a safe haven for you. While we totally understand and will support you and keep you and your daughters in our prayers, I'm so sorry that it's come to this.
I believe the fact that it has shows that there are people in all of our lives who don't get that the "new" people that we are will never be the old ones that we were. That's why this board is so important to us, no matter how often or infrequently, we're here.
I undetstand you doing what you need to do to feel safe. Know that you're in our hearts and prayers always.
love and hugs,
marge
With. " friends" like her, who needs enemies...? From my perspective, this is NOT a friend.....personally she sounds jealous, as crazy as that sounds...I say that because I " had" a " friend" of 20+years who acted so strange my first go round with bc....come to find out, this nut job was actually jealous of the attention people were showing me....meals, offers of any type of help, etc....yet she herself passed my house several times EVERY DAY and never so much as picked up a phone to see if I needed a gallon of milk......then I would see mutual friends who said "C" is keeping us updated....well this time, with my recurrence, someone made that statement and I said, " how the hell does she know what's going on with me, she never picks up a phone?" then come to find out, she can't stand the attention people are showing to me and my family.....how sick is that? Well, needless to say, I have cut her a trail! Her husband and mine are still friends...he asks how I'm doing and my husband simply replies, " As well as can be expected, considering what she's dealing with".... End of story!
I think you have to decide if this toxic person is WORTHY of your friendship....I have cut more than a few from my life, including some of my husband's family......life is so much better...no more drama, etc....I am WORTH more than their bullish**!
Please don't let this person drive you away from us....you could always change your screen name....and no picture....We'd know you...:) and you know we care.....
Hugs, Nancy0 -
Heather
I am so sorry that she felt that it is okay to impede on your privacy. Granted this is a public forum of sorts as anyone can read posts, but ultimately it is a support group and she took a great risk on losing her friendship altogether by crossing this line.
Please do not let her stop you from 'your' circle of support because she is threatened by who you have become. Rather than doing this, it is too bad she was not big enough to come to you and see what she could do to help support this cause for your daughters. You still could be spending time together, but also accomplishing something quite powerful.
If she does not understand, she is the one who is losing out. Trust is the basis for friendship and doesn't sound like you are able trust her.
Hope you keep posting. It is healthy for you and everyone else on this board.
Hugs,
Carol0 -
^^ Got to agree with NancyMAJW said:My two cents worth...
With. " friends" like her, who needs enemies...? From my perspective, this is NOT a friend.....personally she sounds jealous, as crazy as that sounds...I say that because I " had" a " friend" of 20+years who acted so strange my first go round with bc....come to find out, this nut job was actually jealous of the attention people were showing me....meals, offers of any type of help, etc....yet she herself passed my house several times EVERY DAY and never so much as picked up a phone to see if I needed a gallon of milk......then I would see mutual friends who said "C" is keeping us updated....well this time, with my recurrence, someone made that statement and I said, " how the hell does she know what's going on with me, she never picks up a phone?" then come to find out, she can't stand the attention people are showing to me and my family.....how sick is that? Well, needless to say, I have cut her a trail! Her husband and mine are still friends...he asks how I'm doing and my husband simply replies, " As well as can be expected, considering what she's dealing with".... End of story!
I think you have to decide if this toxic person is WORTHY of your friendship....I have cut more than a few from my life, including some of my husband's family......life is so much better...no more drama, etc....I am WORTH more than their bullish**!
Please don't let this person drive you away from us....you could always change your screen name....and no picture....We'd know you...:) and you know we care.....
Hugs, Nancy
She's jealous, might want to rethink the friendship. Only you can decide what to do.
I also have cut some in-laws from my life. I sure do feel alot lighter, no more drama bs games.0 -
Oh, Heather, this makes me sadcamul said:Heather
I am so sorry that she felt that it is okay to impede on your privacy. Granted this is a public forum of sorts as anyone can read posts, but ultimately it is a support group and she took a great risk on losing her friendship altogether by crossing this line.
Please do not let her stop you from 'your' circle of support because she is threatened by who you have become. Rather than doing this, it is too bad she was not big enough to come to you and see what she could do to help support this cause for your daughters. You still could be spending time together, but also accomplishing something quite powerful.
If she does not understand, she is the one who is losing out. Trust is the basis for friendship and doesn't sound like you are able trust her.
Hope you keep posting. It is healthy for you and everyone else on this board.
Hugs,
Carol
None of us want to lose you on this board. I agree with a lot of the others here--**** her! This is your safe place and if she doesn't like what you say, she can just stop reading and turn off her computer! She doesn't sound like a person you need in your life. I don't know how you could ever trust her again with your feelings.
I appreciate the fact that you'll still be checking in here and offering your comments/advice where you think they'll help. But, we want to be here for you too--to be your shoulder to cry on or your soft place to fall. If you no longer feel comfortable posting your thoughts, feelings, fears, frustrations publicly, you can always PM any one of us at any time--don't forget that.
In my opinion, "N" doesn't deserve to have you in her life.
Warm hugs, Renee0 -
Heather, my heart aches that
Heather, my heart aches that it has come to this. Of course we will always be here to support you in what ever decisions you make. I know I for one will miss your wit and brutal honesty. I'm glad to hear you will still be around to help others though, it's a shame we can't return the love and support when you need us too. To say I am mad at this "N" person would be an understatement.
At least we can keep connected via other avenues.
Love ya sister,
Lorrie0 -
Dear N:missrenee said:Oh, Heather, this makes me sad
None of us want to lose you on this board. I agree with a lot of the others here--**** her! This is your safe place and if she doesn't like what you say, she can just stop reading and turn off her computer! She doesn't sound like a person you need in your life. I don't know how you could ever trust her again with your feelings.
I appreciate the fact that you'll still be checking in here and offering your comments/advice where you think they'll help. But, we want to be here for you too--to be your shoulder to cry on or your soft place to fall. If you no longer feel comfortable posting your thoughts, feelings, fears, frustrations publicly, you can always PM any one of us at any time--don't forget that.
In my opinion, "N" doesn't deserve to have you in her life.
Warm hugs, Renee
Since you decided to read Heather's posts, I hope you read our responses and also read some other posts and learned something about us and the fears, hopes, joys and disaappointments we all share on our journeys. In fact, if you read other boards, you should learn that all cancer survivors experience the same kinds of emotions and have the same needs - particularly someone who understands. Please understand that you do not understand unless you've experienced personally a cancer diagnosis.
Most people who advocate for any cause have had their lives personally effected in some way by whatever the cause is. It's the way it is. We network professionally, personally, and spiritually. You know, birds of the feather. We volunteer our time for causes we feel passionate about and that passion most often comes from a personal experience.
If you read some of the posts, you'll learn that many of us have been hurt by remarks and interactions from friends and relatives. And we have been hurt deeply by comments and judgments. We're fragile and vulnerable. Please learn this. And stop. I'd have to say, tho, that this is the first time I've known of someone being hurt in this way.
Speaking for myself (can't do it for others you know), I've gained more support and understanding from other cancer survivors (here or personally) than from my friends and family. Not that they don't care - they just don't get it. I don't share my fears with acquaintenances. In fact, peeps who know me but are not close think I breezed through treatments and comment about what a positive attitude I have. Even my medical oncologist commented about how positive I am. Well, I am - except when I'm not. These women (and men) understand.
Please learn and support Heather in her advocacy and understand that just because you don't think it's something that you would do or feel, she's taken lemons and made lemonade out of them.
Heather, I'm so sorry this has happened to you! It's rather unbelievable that your privacy was invaded. I guess we all share that risk on a public forum, but I hope you find a way to get around the sense of being watched and can once again come to us when you need a shoulder. You must have trusted N to share with her that you post on this forum. It must feel awful to learn that someone you trusted didn't respect your privacy.
Suzanne0 -
I wanted to write somethingDouble Whammy said:Dear N:
Since you decided to read Heather's posts, I hope you read our responses and also read some other posts and learned something about us and the fears, hopes, joys and disaappointments we all share on our journeys. In fact, if you read other boards, you should learn that all cancer survivors experience the same kinds of emotions and have the same needs - particularly someone who understands. Please understand that you do not understand unless you've experienced personally a cancer diagnosis.
Most people who advocate for any cause have had their lives personally effected in some way by whatever the cause is. It's the way it is. We network professionally, personally, and spiritually. You know, birds of the feather. We volunteer our time for causes we feel passionate about and that passion most often comes from a personal experience.
If you read some of the posts, you'll learn that many of us have been hurt by remarks and interactions from friends and relatives. And we have been hurt deeply by comments and judgments. We're fragile and vulnerable. Please learn this. And stop. I'd have to say, tho, that this is the first time I've known of someone being hurt in this way.
Speaking for myself (can't do it for others you know), I've gained more support and understanding from other cancer survivors (here or personally) than from my friends and family. Not that they don't care - they just don't get it. I don't share my fears with acquaintenances. In fact, peeps who know me but are not close think I breezed through treatments and comment about what a positive attitude I have. Even my medical oncologist commented about how positive I am. Well, I am - except when I'm not. These women (and men) understand.
Please learn and support Heather in her advocacy and understand that just because you don't think it's something that you would do or feel, she's taken lemons and made lemonade out of them.
Heather, I'm so sorry this has happened to you! It's rather unbelievable that your privacy was invaded. I guess we all share that risk on a public forum, but I hope you find a way to get around the sense of being watched and can once again come to us when you need a shoulder. You must have trusted N to share with her that you post on this forum. It must feel awful to learn that someone you trusted didn't respect your privacy.
Suzanne
I wanted to write something to support Heather. She has so much information to give new and existing cancer patients. We really do rely on each other who can truly understand what it is like to hear that you have cancer, go through the treatments, deal with the physical, emotional, and mental aspects. We all need a place to fit in. I truly can not say any words that compare to Suzanne's!! Way to go Suzanne, what a way to state a rational, calm piece of prose dealing with such an emotional topic.0 -
Heather,
I'm so sorry.
Heather,
I'm so sorry. This N person sounds very selfish and self centered. Putting her own emotions, and insecurities first. I'm glad you will still be here because you are a tremendous help to others. You keep doing what you need to do for your self and your daughters. You have been very giving. Anyone that cant see that is blind. You have helped me many times through out my journey. Thank you. You are a wonderful lady.
Take care darlin Kay,0 -
Suzanne said it allsmalldoggroomer said:Heather,
I'm so sorry.
Heather,
I'm so sorry. This N person sounds very selfish and self centered. Putting her own emotions, and insecurities first. I'm glad you will still be here because you are a tremendous help to others. You keep doing what you need to do for your self and your daughters. You have been very giving. Anyone that cant see that is blind. You have helped me many times through out my journey. Thank you. You are a wonderful lady.
Take care darlin Kay,
Good job Suzanne! Heather, I really hopes N reads this and all of the comments. I understand how you feel, but in my opinion, she really isn't a true friend. If she is, maybe after reading this she will realize how much she is hurting you and all of us that benefit from your posts. And maybe she will even realize that we aren't replacing her, just giving you a little additional support when you need it from others going through the same issues.
Wishing you all the best!!
Hugs,
Debi0 -
Betrayal
Sounds like this mysterious person has nothing better to do. Certainly is no friend, if you dont mind me saying. Kind of spooky. You sound strong though and all out for your family. Good for you, good luck. Sorry this happened.0 -
Dear Heather,RozHopkins said:Betrayal
Sounds like this mysterious person has nothing better to do. Certainly is no friend, if you dont mind me saying. Kind of spooky. You sound strong though and all out for your family. Good for you, good luck. Sorry this happened.
I don't like
Dear Heather,
I don't like to give an opinion here if it's negative.....but.I can't stop this one.
She does NOT sound like a friend and I respect your decision, of course, but she
doesn't deserve you.
What are friends for if not to be there through good and bad times?? I think in her eyes, it is all about her!!
How selfish. I bet you have been there for her more than once and would never cause her this hurt just when she needed you most.
Just remember that I love reading your posts and I love you!
HUGS,
Wanda0 -
Right On!Double Whammy said:Dear N:
Since you decided to read Heather's posts, I hope you read our responses and also read some other posts and learned something about us and the fears, hopes, joys and disaappointments we all share on our journeys. In fact, if you read other boards, you should learn that all cancer survivors experience the same kinds of emotions and have the same needs - particularly someone who understands. Please understand that you do not understand unless you've experienced personally a cancer diagnosis.
Most people who advocate for any cause have had their lives personally effected in some way by whatever the cause is. It's the way it is. We network professionally, personally, and spiritually. You know, birds of the feather. We volunteer our time for causes we feel passionate about and that passion most often comes from a personal experience.
If you read some of the posts, you'll learn that many of us have been hurt by remarks and interactions from friends and relatives. And we have been hurt deeply by comments and judgments. We're fragile and vulnerable. Please learn this. And stop. I'd have to say, tho, that this is the first time I've known of someone being hurt in this way.
Speaking for myself (can't do it for others you know), I've gained more support and understanding from other cancer survivors (here or personally) than from my friends and family. Not that they don't care - they just don't get it. I don't share my fears with acquaintenances. In fact, peeps who know me but are not close think I breezed through treatments and comment about what a positive attitude I have. Even my medical oncologist commented about how positive I am. Well, I am - except when I'm not. These women (and men) understand.
Please learn and support Heather in her advocacy and understand that just because you don't think it's something that you would do or feel, she's taken lemons and made lemonade out of them.
Heather, I'm so sorry this has happened to you! It's rather unbelievable that your privacy was invaded. I guess we all share that risk on a public forum, but I hope you find a way to get around the sense of being watched and can once again come to us when you need a shoulder. You must have trusted N to share with her that you post on this forum. It must feel awful to learn that someone you trusted didn't respect your privacy.
Suzanne
I haven't posted in awhile - sort of in a lurking mode these days. But I feel compelled to reply to Suzanne's post and all I can say is right on! You perfectly responded to Heather's "friend" and while I can't speak for everyone on this board, as far as I'm concerned, you beautifully wrote what I feel. Thank you.
Hugs to all, Sally0 -
Talk about an invasion of your 'privacy' and personalLighthouse_7 said:Dear Heather,
I don't like
Dear Heather,
I don't like to give an opinion here if it's negative.....but.I can't stop this one.
She does NOT sound like a friend and I respect your decision, of course, but she
doesn't deserve you.
What are friends for if not to be there through good and bad times?? I think in her eyes, it is all about her!!
How selfish. I bet you have been there for her more than once and would never cause her this hurt just when she needed you most.
Just remember that I love reading your posts and I love you!
HUGS,
Wanda
space. . .. Its as if 'N' came into your home, opened every drawer, closet and cabinet --- totaling violating your private space.
I could never ever .. venture to guess how or why anyone would want to 'stalk' another human being -- whether it be shadowing them in a car - watching their every move, or logging onto a 'Cancer' Support site to see what she/he is posting. Baffles my mind, soul and spirit.
I know 'N' time would be better served if she volunteered at an Oncology Center -- getting up close and personal with several cancer patients, helping them thru the throes of chemo therapy. Maybe then 'N' could legitimized / address some of her emotional emptiness.
This is your 'SAFE HAVEN', Heatherbelle -- don't allow anyone to take that away from you. What makes a person like this tick??? Socio-path .. If you had 'N''s sign in .. we could also forward that onto Greta.
Gentle hugs,
Vicki Sam0
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