"So...are you okay now?"
Comments
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People just remember
Before you had cancer you asked the same dumb questions.
I have a funny for you. While going thru chemo a dear friend dragged me to a club meeting cuz she thought I needed to get out of the house. While there an aquaintence came up and told me she knew exactly what I was going thru. I thought to myself I didn't know she had had bc? She then reminds me that last year her Mitzi (her dog) was diagnosed with cancer and went thru 4 rounds of chemo but it didn't have an effect on the cancer so they had to put her down. Straight faced I told her Luckily my chemo is shrinking my tumors so they won't have to put me down. The lady gave me a hug and said that is wonderful! My friend didn't know whether to kill the woman or roll on the floor laughing!0 -
Doing great, thanks for asking
Traci... you come up with some pretty good topics.
I have to go with the flow and say that when asked how I am doing, I mainly say," I am doing great!" I don't want to get bogged down with what if's and the uncertainty of it all.
For now... at this moment, I am doing great. Of course, I am not the same person. I think it would be a shame if I hadn't changed at all. You learn so much about yourself and those who make up your life. I would like to think I am richer for having gone through something so horrific. I've meet some pretty amazing people along the way and made some wonderful friendships that never would have existed had cancer not invaded my life.
Take care.
Ines0 -
I agree, it depends on the person askingBella Luna said:Doing great, thanks for asking
Traci... you come up with some pretty good topics.
I have to go with the flow and say that when asked how I am doing, I mainly say," I am doing great!" I don't want to get bogged down with what if's and the uncertainty of it all.
For now... at this moment, I am doing great. Of course, I am not the same person. I think it would be a shame if I hadn't changed at all. You learn so much about yourself and those who make up your life. I would like to think I am richer for having gone through something so horrific. I've meet some pretty amazing people along the way and made some wonderful friendships that never would have existed had cancer not invaded my life.
Take care.
Ines
Most of the time it's I'm in remission, still dealing with the stamina issues, and trying to adjust from taking no medications to now taking 9 different pills at different times of the day. (Some of them are herbals and vitamins but they still have to be swallowed at the appropriate times.) That usually gets a funny look and or wow.
I've also gotten the hair question. "Your hair looks so cute that way are you going to keep it short?" My response has been, for now, until the curl grows out and I find out what I'm going to be dealing with, because in all honesty right now it's impossible.
Most of the people who ask are friends who have been there for me the whole way and are honestly wondering how I'jm doing and what help if any I may need. They honestly want to know how I am and what they can do to help onthe journey. I know they'll be there through my reconstruction process and drive or anything else I need so I don't mind the questions.
I DO get a little frustrated with the folks who want to feel or play with my "new" hair though. It's a little like the people who walk up to a pregnant lady and ask if they can feel her belly. (SIGH)0 -
How are you feeling today?skipper54 said:I agree, it depends on the person asking
Most of the time it's I'm in remission, still dealing with the stamina issues, and trying to adjust from taking no medications to now taking 9 different pills at different times of the day. (Some of them are herbals and vitamins but they still have to be swallowed at the appropriate times.) That usually gets a funny look and or wow.
I've also gotten the hair question. "Your hair looks so cute that way are you going to keep it short?" My response has been, for now, until the curl grows out and I find out what I'm going to be dealing with, because in all honesty right now it's impossible.
Most of the people who ask are friends who have been there for me the whole way and are honestly wondering how I'jm doing and what help if any I may need. They honestly want to know how I am and what they can do to help onthe journey. I know they'll be there through my reconstruction process and drive or anything else I need so I don't mind the questions.
I DO get a little frustrated with the folks who want to feel or play with my "new" hair though. It's a little like the people who walk up to a pregnant lady and ask if they can feel her belly. (SIGH)
I'm still in treatment, but I can't count how many texts each day I get asking "how are you feeling today?". My normal response is that I'm doing "OK". I think most people want to show that they care, but aren't sure exactly what to say. I know they have no idea how I kinda cringe at each text, or I just answered the same text from 50 others. I know their heart is in the right place.
Great story SweetVickid~
Traci....thanks for all the laughs...I love your humor!0 -
Traci, that really is the $1 million questiondebi.18 said:How are you feeling today?
I'm still in treatment, but I can't count how many texts each day I get asking "how are you feeling today?". My normal response is that I'm doing "OK". I think most people want to show that they care, but aren't sure exactly what to say. I know they have no idea how I kinda cringe at each text, or I just answered the same text from 50 others. I know their heart is in the right place.
Great story SweetVickid~
Traci....thanks for all the laughs...I love your humor!
and I have to be honest--I really don't like being asked it. I know that most people mean well and we have to be patient with them, etc., etc., blah, blah, blah but I feel that they want you to say, "Yes, I'm doing great!" so that they can feel better and get on with life--not so you can feel better. I feel like it invalidates everything we've gone through.
I had a long discussion with my incredible husband the other night--he alone really knows all that I go through now--and I really feel that I'll never be okay-totally. Sure, I have good days, lots of them. But as we were saying in the last discussion, that little fear, that little doubt, wondering if that other shoe will drop--it's always there. At least for me. I'm pretty optimistic about things--but I'm just facing reality.
For me--I'd much rather have someone come up, give me a nice warm hug and tell me I'm still in their thoughts and prayers.
Sorry if I sound like an old grump--don't mean to. And actually, today is a pretty good day!
Hugs, Renee0 -
Hate the question, wanna choke the person
Well, you know I never would, but... Sure, daily life continues on, but just as Renee said, I'm in fear of 'that other shoe'. Today was not a good day for me - just because, but that wouldn't affect my answer. I've got 46 more months of Arimidex, so a daily reminder.
A statement was made to me earlier this year - Well you beat it, didnt you? - A very well meaning friend said this. I know he couldn't even imagine what goes on in my head on a daily basis. I'm fortunate enough that I do have days when I don't think about it. But I'm coming up on appts with my onc, mammo & surgeon and I suffer with 'scanxiety', and so for the next 2 months, I know I will have anxiety, depression, have the blues and tears will flow.
So, I wish the question would be 'How are you' and the asker would be ready for an honest answer. And I wouldn't want my answer to be hurtful or depressing to anyone, just honest
Sue0 -
LOLsweetvickid said:People just remember
Before you had cancer you asked the same dumb questions.
I have a funny for you. While going thru chemo a dear friend dragged me to a club meeting cuz she thought I needed to get out of the house. While there an aquaintence came up and told me she knew exactly what I was going thru. I thought to myself I didn't know she had had bc? She then reminds me that last year her Mitzi (her dog) was diagnosed with cancer and went thru 4 rounds of chemo but it didn't have an effect on the cancer so they had to put her down. Straight faced I told her Luckily my chemo is shrinking my tumors so they won't have to put me down. The lady gave me a hug and said that is wonderful! My friend didn't know whether to kill the woman or roll on the floor laughing!
That story is both hilarious....and sad...
SOME PEOPLE!
Funny, Vicki0 -
Traci
I get the comment too. I like your response about taking a pill for 5 years but then they say, but you're okay, right? Yes, I've been through he** and back and now for 5 years I get to take a pill that makes my bones ache and maybe destroys them and my hot flashes are HOT!
{{hugs}} Char0 -
your replysweetvickid said:People just remember
Before you had cancer you asked the same dumb questions.
I have a funny for you. While going thru chemo a dear friend dragged me to a club meeting cuz she thought I needed to get out of the house. While there an aquaintence came up and told me she knew exactly what I was going thru. I thought to myself I didn't know she had had bc? She then reminds me that last year her Mitzi (her dog) was diagnosed with cancer and went thru 4 rounds of chemo but it didn't have an effect on the cancer so they had to put her down. Straight faced I told her Luckily my chemo is shrinking my tumors so they won't have to put me down. The lady gave me a hug and said that is wonderful! My friend didn't know whether to kill the woman or roll on the floor laughing!
just made my day! I LOL
Char0 -
Yea, those questions are
Yea, those questions are annoying, but I also think people just don't know what to say. Also, c tends to have a huge impact on people so when they see someone go through it, it's like a big event - and it is.
The one thing that annoys me is when people expect you to be 100%, back to "normal", and they are so sure you are now cured. Don't get me wrong, I pray for all of us and wish that we never have to deal with this again. Oh how I wish that!
People haven't really been asking me if I am OK (clear), but when they do I will say that I am.0 -
During treatment
when I didn't feel so good, I'd answer "I'm doing alright...just getting through this". The conversation never really progressed from there.
Now, almost 5 years out, I tell them, "Thank God, I'm doing wonderful". They don't have to know about the details of my aches and pains from treatments because I know they wouldn't really understand anyway.
I think I've had the "okay" question once or twice and I just said "I sure hope so".
Good post Traci!0 -
But I can't help sensing aLoveBabyJesus said:Yea, those questions are
Yea, those questions are annoying, but I also think people just don't know what to say. Also, c tends to have a huge impact on people so when they see someone go through it, it's like a big event - and it is.
The one thing that annoys me is when people expect you to be 100%, back to "normal", and they are so sure you are now cured. Don't get me wrong, I pray for all of us and wish that we never have to deal with this again. Oh how I wish that!
People haven't really been asking me if I am OK (clear), but when they do I will say that I am.
But I can't help sensing a denial tone (watching from outside - "won't happen to me" tone) and also a tone of "if it happens to me, I'll know I can be OK because she is OK". It's interesting...0 -
I think it really disturbs peoplesea60 said:During treatment
when I didn't feel so good, I'd answer "I'm doing alright...just getting through this". The conversation never really progressed from there.
Now, almost 5 years out, I tell them, "Thank God, I'm doing wonderful". They don't have to know about the details of my aches and pains from treatments because I know they wouldn't really understand anyway.
I think I've had the "okay" question once or twice and I just said "I sure hope so".
Good post Traci!
that we've had cancer and they want to know that we are "OK" now and it is over and we would be back to "normal" meaning the way we were before cancer. A dear friend of ours was very disturbed when we tried to explain to him that it was never really "over" since I would have to continue being monitored regularly and in some sense would always be a "cancer patient" even if a reoccurence never happened. He was so disturbed that he blurted out "But breast cancer is 100% curable!" I told that to my BC support group for a good ironic laugh....good to know that, well, I guess there is no reason for us to worry anymore, is there?
Along with the "you're OK now" of course comes the "you look great" which I have been hearing at work (I just went back on TUesday) for the past two days. Of course it is great to be told I look great and everyone loves my short hair...and that I should keep it this way....but...again,,,,if I were a "normal" (non-cancer) person no one would be fawning over me in this way. So it;s a little awkward at times.
People do mean well and I always try to remember that even when their words can be infuriating. Many of their comments come from fear, I believe. My husband told his brother in response to the "but she's OK now, isn;t she?" inquiry that we sincerely hoped so, but you never really knew. The brother's response was total denial. What can you do?
Laura0 -
i say "not really", but im
i say "not really", but im living. I'll never be "ok" knowing that this might take me away from my children one day OR that it might rear its ugly head in their lives. Im sure it makes people uncomfortable but I just can't lie to people about it! You all are WAY more tactful & nicer than i am
that's why i love you all so much!
*hugs*
heather0 -
since you askedHeatherbelle said:i say "not really", but im
i say "not really", but im living. I'll never be "ok" knowing that this might take me away from my children one day OR that it might rear its ugly head in their lives. Im sure it makes people uncomfortable but I just can't lie to people about it! You all are WAY more tactful & nicer than i am that's why i love you all so much!
*hugs*
heather
since you asked I will be honest see as a few of you know i tend to be right on point and in this case quite rude.
I say hell no i am not okay. I have to get a shot every month, take pillss to try and keep the beast at bay, I am in medication induced menopause, i live with aches and pains that have nothing to do with my age, and life after cancer is like living with the sword of domocles over my head. then i usualy ask them so are you okay with that information?
ok I admit it i have a bad attitude when it comes to this perticular question
tj0 -
TJ I'm totally okay with your answertjhay said:since you asked
since you asked I will be honest see as a few of you know i tend to be right on point and in this case quite rude.
I say hell no i am not okay. I have to get a shot every month, take pillss to try and keep the beast at bay, I am in medication induced menopause, i live with aches and pains that have nothing to do with my age, and life after cancer is like living with the sword of domocles over my head. then i usualy ask them so are you okay with that information?
ok I admit it i have a bad attitude when it comes to this perticular question
tj
In fact, cudos to you to have the guts to really say what a lot of us feel. After all we've been through--I'm sorry, but why do I have to say things just to make everyone else feel comfortable?!
Hugs, Renee0 -
interesting ???? interesting answers.
Though not through treatment I tell about how many good days versus not so good days I have. I think people are more accepting of that at present as well.
I think I will opt for the more humorous answers I heard about the TRUTH and was I ever really ok (especially to the closer ones). I think it allows them the opportunity to realize that it still sucks but I will make the best of it. To those more distant I might ask for continued prayer to keep the chances of reccurrence at bay. This allows them to hear the truth and still have something they can do about it without major inconvenience.
Because I have been through many tragedies I don't want to be told I am a hero or a survior. I had no choice in a good many of the unpleasant circumstances I have been through. If life hands you coal instead of wood, you heat your home with coal instead despite the fact that coal is dirty. Cancer is just another fact of my life.
Those who know me well, know that life for me had it's rough days prior to breast cancer. To them I can truly say that breast cancer is not the worst thing that has ever happened to me. Part of the reason I do a lot of joking and laughing is because it is a defense mechanism for me. I don't want many people to know all the ugly stuff UNTIL they have a need to know, and I can minister to them. Those family members that have gone through the ugly stuff with me, also joke and laugh at it because they have felt the pain of it. Perhaps others think we are bonkers but I don't care. We are getting through it, and laughing feels much better than crying. It also scares the grandkids less (and I give the older ones the more serious details in short later, followed by humor). They seem to take it all in stride as they know grandma is one tough cookie, and is not going down without a fight. I truly beleive that them handling this truth as it is will allow them to know that life is not as neatly packaged as it is seen on tv but they will get through a lot and still laugh thier kiesters off if they choose to do so.0 -
There was a really good point made -laughs_a_lot said:interesting ???? interesting answers.
Though not through treatment I tell about how many good days versus not so good days I have. I think people are more accepting of that at present as well.
I think I will opt for the more humorous answers I heard about the TRUTH and was I ever really ok (especially to the closer ones). I think it allows them the opportunity to realize that it still sucks but I will make the best of it. To those more distant I might ask for continued prayer to keep the chances of reccurrence at bay. This allows them to hear the truth and still have something they can do about it without major inconvenience.
Because I have been through many tragedies I don't want to be told I am a hero or a survior. I had no choice in a good many of the unpleasant circumstances I have been through. If life hands you coal instead of wood, you heat your home with coal instead despite the fact that coal is dirty. Cancer is just another fact of my life.
Those who know me well, know that life for me had it's rough days prior to breast cancer. To them I can truly say that breast cancer is not the worst thing that has ever happened to me. Part of the reason I do a lot of joking and laughing is because it is a defense mechanism for me. I don't want many people to know all the ugly stuff UNTIL they have a need to know, and I can minister to them. Those family members that have gone through the ugly stuff with me, also joke and laugh at it because they have felt the pain of it. Perhaps others think we are bonkers but I don't care. We are getting through it, and laughing feels much better than crying. It also scares the grandkids less (and I give the older ones the more serious details in short later, followed by humor). They seem to take it all in stride as they know grandma is one tough cookie, and is not going down without a fight. I truly beleive that them handling this truth as it is will allow them to know that life is not as neatly packaged as it is seen on tv but they will get through a lot and still laugh thier kiesters off if they choose to do so.
if we're okay then if it hits someone else they can say, oaky she made, I can too. I know I took that attitude. One of the first things we did was start a survivors list of all those we knew who were survivors and planned to add my name to that list. I've been pretty open with people all along the way and will continue to do that. (Started a Caring Bridge website shortly after the first chemo, which was before surgery, and have kept it up.) I figured that if I asked people for prayers and support I needed to keep them informed of what all was going on. I recently went back and read those daily journal entries and was surprised at what all I shared. I sat here with tears running down my face. I know that when people now ask how I'm doing they really want to know and will be there for me if I need them.0 -
Not there yet, but
I was one of those "clueless" people before cancer. I don't think I ever asked anyone if they were okay, but rather avoided the subject entirely. Now that I am going through it and STILL don't know all that this awful disease entails (seems I learn something new every day), I certainly understand where these people are coming from and I don't hold anything against them, they are concerned, but simply can't know everything that it entails.
That was the question my 14 yo daughter asked me, "you're going to be okay, right?" My answer to her was, "that's the plan!". She knows the battle isn't over when the treatment is, but at her age, the here and now is what matters.
Bottom line, these people care, they simply can't know (without going through it), that things will likely never be "okay".0
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