My grandmother
Comments
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Hugs Lanilani812 said:pray for my family plz
my grandmother was rushed to the er on sunday morning with severe chest pains. that turned out to be a swollen heart and water in her lungs. she is now officially at stage 4 and her calcium levels are really high. she is also at high risk of a heart attack. today is the first day i have been home since sunday i came to shower and eat since things have stayed the same for the past 3 days my aunts are spending the night since classes start for me tomorrow morning n grandma will not have me miss the first day of my senior year of college. but i dnt want to go anywhere but next to her. shes asking to see people like my cousins and her sister and my uncle that lives in north carolina and is flying in tomorrow. shes forgetting who i am sometimes her memeory comes and goes and she falls asleep in the middle of sentences. i fear that this might be it...and im not ready.
lani
I never come on at night but just felt I should tonight for some reason then I saw your post and I am glad I did.
I am so sorry to hear your Grandmother has taken a turn for the worse and what a worry for you with starting your senior year of college and all. I am so sorry you are all going through this but I just have to marvel at how fortunate you are and your Grandmother is to have such a supportive loving family. What a tribute to her, how much her family loves her and is there for her. That is no little thing. Even though she is forgetting now and then you can bet she can feel the love and suport and I know that is helping her through whatever she is facing over the next little while.
We are never really ready, no matter when it may happen and just to let you know that no matter what we are all here for you, you aren't alone in this at all.
You are in my prayers.
Hugs Lani,
Blueroses0 -
hibluerose said:Hugs Lani
I never come on at night but just felt I should tonight for some reason then I saw your post and I am glad I did.
I am so sorry to hear your Grandmother has taken a turn for the worse and what a worry for you with starting your senior year of college and all. I am so sorry you are all going through this but I just have to marvel at how fortunate you are and your Grandmother is to have such a supportive loving family. What a tribute to her, how much her family loves her and is there for her. That is no little thing. Even though she is forgetting now and then you can bet she can feel the love and suport and I know that is helping her through whatever she is facing over the next little while.
We are never really ready, no matter when it may happen and just to let you know that no matter what we are all here for you, you aren't alone in this at all.
You are in my prayers.
Hugs Lani,
Blueroses
the waiting game is difficult. she says shes packing her bags like shes going on a trip. she is at peace and has told her what she wants to wear and what flowers she wants. and now we wait. my grandmother is at peace with the situation. we appreciate all of the prayers and warm thoughts. this might take a day or it might take a week or even a month. but i am proud to say that i gave her all the love i have to offer.
i decided to go to class tonight. i need a small change of atmosphere for a few hrs.
at peace,
lani0 -
Hi Lani-lani812 said:hi
the waiting game is difficult. she says shes packing her bags like shes going on a trip. she is at peace and has told her what she wants to wear and what flowers she wants. and now we wait. my grandmother is at peace with the situation. we appreciate all of the prayers and warm thoughts. this might take a day or it might take a week or even a month. but i am proud to say that i gave her all the love i have to offer.
i decided to go to class tonight. i need a small change of atmosphere for a few hrs.
at peace,
lani
So sorry your grandmother and you are going through this very difficult time. My prayers will be with your gmother and you--What a wonderful way to show your love to her. Your support and love and ---encouragement. That is an encouragement for us as well. Just saw your post for the first time this morning. May the Lord bless your grandmother and you, along with all of your family and provide amazing support when you need it!!! Susan
Gi-Gi is one of my grandchildrens' nicknames for me!0 -
You are my new hero Ianilani812 said:hi
the waiting game is difficult. she says shes packing her bags like shes going on a trip. she is at peace and has told her what she wants to wear and what flowers she wants. and now we wait. my grandmother is at peace with the situation. we appreciate all of the prayers and warm thoughts. this might take a day or it might take a week or even a month. but i am proud to say that i gave her all the love i have to offer.
i decided to go to class tonight. i need a small change of atmosphere for a few hrs.
at peace,
lani
Wow. What a mature and healthy attitude you have about all of this and how strong you are. It sounds like, for a sad experience, your whole family seems to be making it as tolerable as possible for all concerned including themselves. What a great strength it takes to just realize that you need some time away from it all and that you did go to class which symbolizes your ability to move forward even when all of this is currently happening. That is so healthy and brave, I can't tell you. I think the loving and caring person that you are makes this possible.
I am so glad that your grandmother is in such a good place right now. You often hear of this space and it's what we wish for our loved ones at this time in their lives.
You and your family are in my prayers. One day at a time.
Blessings,
Bluerose0 -
sedationCOBRA666 said:Sedation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Go with the sedation. I had mine done a year ago without it. I did have a numbing agent,but it did not help with the feel of all the pushing and pulling. I thought the thing was gonna break off. It is scary to say the least. I almost passed out after the proceedure. My blood pressure went really low. That was caused by the fright. John(FNHL-1-4A-5/10)
Hello,
When i had mu bone marrow biopsy, the doc refused to sedate me even though i begged her out of fear. Just lidocaine. It was gruesome. My doc will never sedate me. How come everyone else seems to have a choice? I was going to have a n investigative procedure called radiological intervention, where they were going to take a look at my femur for a possible metastasis, but it eas cancelled. For that i was getting full sedation. Why wouldn't my oncologist agree to it for the bmb? Isthat the latest thing? Torture? Or did she just unilaterally decide that i could take it?
I suffered quite a bit of mental torture before it, but behaved perfectly during it, even though it was an experience i wil never forget. Drilling and twisting into your hip bone? G in heaven wouldn't cast that down on the worst sinners
That was just an emotional outburst,, not my personal code.0 -
sedationCOBRA666 said:Sedation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Go with the sedation. I had mine done a year ago without it. I did have a numbing agent,but it did not help with the feel of all the pushing and pulling. I thought the thing was gonna break off. It is scary to say the least. I almost passed out after the proceedure. My blood pressure went really low. That was caused by the fright. John(FNHL-1-4A-5/10)
Hello,
When i had mu bone marrow biopsy, the doc refused to sedate me even though i begged her out of fear. Just lidocaine. It was gruesome. My doc will never sedate me. How come everyone else seems to have a choice? I was going to have a n investigative procedure called radiological intervention, where they were going to take a look at my femur for a possible metastasis, but it eas cancelled. For that i was getting full sedation. Why wouldn't my oncologist agree to it for the bmb? Isthat the latest thing? Torture? Or did she just unilaterally decide that i could take it?
I suffered quite a bit of mental torture before it, but behaved perfectly during it, even though it was an experience i wil never forget. Drilling and twisting into your hip bone? G in heaven wouldn't cast that down on the worst sinners
That was just an emotional outburst,, not my personal code.0 -
I hear youviolinist1 said:sedation
Hello,
When i had mu bone marrow biopsy, the doc refused to sedate me even though i begged her out of fear. Just lidocaine. It was gruesome. My doc will never sedate me. How come everyone else seems to have a choice? I was going to have a n investigative procedure called radiological intervention, where they were going to take a look at my femur for a possible metastasis, but it eas cancelled. For that i was getting full sedation. Why wouldn't my oncologist agree to it for the bmb? Isthat the latest thing? Torture? Or did she just unilaterally decide that i could take it?
I suffered quite a bit of mental torture before it, but behaved perfectly during it, even though it was an experience i wil never forget. Drilling and twisting into your hip bone? G in heaven wouldn't cast that down on the worst sinners
That was just an emotional outburst,, not my personal code.
When I was having some other type of procedure, like a biopsy I was sedated. Unfortunately
the clinic I go to for my SCT also will not sedate me. Something about not having a recovery room was the excuse I was given.
I agree, it's so painful and I hope at my 100 days they decide not to do another bmb.
Take care,
Beth0 -
day 7 at the hospital ....bluerose said:You are my new hero Iani
Wow. What a mature and healthy attitude you have about all of this and how strong you are. It sounds like, for a sad experience, your whole family seems to be making it as tolerable as possible for all concerned including themselves. What a great strength it takes to just realize that you need some time away from it all and that you did go to class which symbolizes your ability to move forward even when all of this is currently happening. That is so healthy and brave, I can't tell you. I think the loving and caring person that you are makes this possible.
I am so glad that your grandmother is in such a good place right now. You often hear of this space and it's what we wish for our loved ones at this time in their lives.
You and your family are in my prayers. One day at a time.
Blessings,
Bluerose
i sit here watching struggle to breathe more and more everyday. she told me the end is near and to make sure that i cry because crying is good. my family is being very difficult. my aunts and uncles and especially my mother are in denial. they wait for a miracle. but she told me she doesnt want a miracle. that shes ready to meet her creator. we have been in the hospital for 7 days today. i feel guilty in saying that myself and her have the same wish for the suffering to end. i havent thought about life after this. after i loose my best friend. doctor told me this morning that everything medically possible has been done.
i still cant help but to feel guilty. like there was something different i could have done. i feel like the chemo made it worst. sometimes i feel like we should have just ignored this. i wish i could crawl in a corner and cover my ears so that my family can stop asking me questions and asking me "why"? they arent being fair to me but im so numb that i dnt even care. i want it to be just me and her and i want to walk her to the door and let go of her hand and give her to god.
i feel guilty for wanting this to be over.
waiting,
lani0 -
Lanilani812 said:day 7 at the hospital ....
i sit here watching struggle to breathe more and more everyday. she told me the end is near and to make sure that i cry because crying is good. my family is being very difficult. my aunts and uncles and especially my mother are in denial. they wait for a miracle. but she told me she doesnt want a miracle. that shes ready to meet her creator. we have been in the hospital for 7 days today. i feel guilty in saying that myself and her have the same wish for the suffering to end. i havent thought about life after this. after i loose my best friend. doctor told me this morning that everything medically possible has been done.
i still cant help but to feel guilty. like there was something different i could have done. i feel like the chemo made it worst. sometimes i feel like we should have just ignored this. i wish i could crawl in a corner and cover my ears so that my family can stop asking me questions and asking me "why"? they arent being fair to me but im so numb that i dnt even care. i want it to be just me and her and i want to walk her to the door and let go of her hand and give her to god.
i feel guilty for wanting this to be over.
waiting,
lani
Do not ever feel guilty for wanting what's best for her. I understand completely. She knows you're there for her and that you understand.
Take heart knowing you're doing and feeling just the way you're supposed to.
Beth0 -
So sorry...lani812 said:day 7 at the hospital ....
i sit here watching struggle to breathe more and more everyday. she told me the end is near and to make sure that i cry because crying is good. my family is being very difficult. my aunts and uncles and especially my mother are in denial. they wait for a miracle. but she told me she doesnt want a miracle. that shes ready to meet her creator. we have been in the hospital for 7 days today. i feel guilty in saying that myself and her have the same wish for the suffering to end. i havent thought about life after this. after i loose my best friend. doctor told me this morning that everything medically possible has been done.
i still cant help but to feel guilty. like there was something different i could have done. i feel like the chemo made it worst. sometimes i feel like we should have just ignored this. i wish i could crawl in a corner and cover my ears so that my family can stop asking me questions and asking me "why"? they arent being fair to me but im so numb that i dnt even care. i want it to be just me and her and i want to walk her to the door and let go of her hand and give her to god.
i feel guilty for wanting this to be over.
waiting,
lani
Hi Lani,
It's so hard to watch someone we love suffering, and I think it's especially hard when it's our dear sweet grandmothers. I know it was sure hard for me watching my grandmother slip away 7 years ago.I still think about her everyday, but have tons of many fond happy memories that help with my missing her so much . All you can do is tell your grandmother how much she means to you and spend what time is left by her side. Try to be patient with the rest of your family. They obviously arn't ready to accept the thought of her leaving all of you. Take care sweet girl and it's ok to feel what your feeling...it's all part of the grieving process. My thoughts and prayers are with you. We are here for you. Much love...Sue (FNHL-2-3A-6/10)0 -
Almost nothing worse than waitinglani812 said:day 7 at the hospital ....
i sit here watching struggle to breathe more and more everyday. she told me the end is near and to make sure that i cry because crying is good. my family is being very difficult. my aunts and uncles and especially my mother are in denial. they wait for a miracle. but she told me she doesnt want a miracle. that shes ready to meet her creator. we have been in the hospital for 7 days today. i feel guilty in saying that myself and her have the same wish for the suffering to end. i havent thought about life after this. after i loose my best friend. doctor told me this morning that everything medically possible has been done.
i still cant help but to feel guilty. like there was something different i could have done. i feel like the chemo made it worst. sometimes i feel like we should have just ignored this. i wish i could crawl in a corner and cover my ears so that my family can stop asking me questions and asking me "why"? they arent being fair to me but im so numb that i dnt even care. i want it to be just me and her and i want to walk her to the door and let go of her hand and give her to god.
i feel guilty for wanting this to be over.
waiting,
lani
I can just feel the hurt and sorrow in your post and I am so sorry you have to go through this but I think it will probably be important for you to have been there to help your Grandmother through her final journey. You ARE DOING more than many would do under the circumstances and as far as the rest of your family is concerned just try to shut them out of your mind with their questions and refer them to the doctor. You can answer them briefly but if they were that interested they would discuss this with the doctor or come and be there to support your Grandmother and you in person. I think this is a time for you and your Grandmother to be together so don't feel guilty at all, you are just a marvel to me. I wish I had that kind of support that your Grandmother has in you, I know she appreciates it and is comforted by it.
I know what you mean about wanting it to be over because so does she. I feel too that it's time and I know that when a person is near 'going home' they do feel it and they are at peace with it as you describe your Grandmother is telling you. The others in the family aren't as close to her as you are, at least that's how I feel it from here, and so they are going with all they know - fight it. You and your Grandmother have gone through it day by day so you have more reality as to the real situation. You have nothing to be guilty about. In fact you are thinking in the most humane way possible, why drag the inevitable out? Yes, miracles do happen but sometimes the miracles aren't exactly what we had expected. Maybe the miracle in your Grandmother's case is that she is being allowed to go home soon, no one knows what His plan truly is. I am glad though that you both have God in your lives, I know He was instrumental in my cancer journey.
I am sure you are exhausted in all of this and hope that you are getting some rest. Please remember to take care of yourself too. Keep writing as you feel you need to and we will be here for you. I have wondered the last couple of days where you were.
You are both in my thoughts and prayers Lani, just be with your Grandmother - that's the greatest gift you can give her. You are a strong and loving Grandchild, she has been so blessed to have had you. You are giving her great comfort.
Blessings,
Bluerose0 -
You are a precious gift!lani812 said:day 7 at the hospital ....
i sit here watching struggle to breathe more and more everyday. she told me the end is near and to make sure that i cry because crying is good. my family is being very difficult. my aunts and uncles and especially my mother are in denial. they wait for a miracle. but she told me she doesnt want a miracle. that shes ready to meet her creator. we have been in the hospital for 7 days today. i feel guilty in saying that myself and her have the same wish for the suffering to end. i havent thought about life after this. after i loose my best friend. doctor told me this morning that everything medically possible has been done.
i still cant help but to feel guilty. like there was something different i could have done. i feel like the chemo made it worst. sometimes i feel like we should have just ignored this. i wish i could crawl in a corner and cover my ears so that my family can stop asking me questions and asking me "why"? they arent being fair to me but im so numb that i dnt even care. i want it to be just me and her and i want to walk her to the door and let go of her hand and give her to god.
i feel guilty for wanting this to be over.
waiting,
lani
Lani, may God continue to lift you up, bless and encourage you. What a wonderful gift of support for your Grandmother!!! I agree with the others for you---take care of your grandmother and yourself; that will be a light to your other family members---May the peace of God transcend for you and your Grandmother during this difficult time.
Continuing to pray for you both and your family-Susan0 -
BMBxdixiegirl said:I hear you
When I was having some other type of procedure, like a biopsy I was sedated. Unfortunately
the clinic I go to for my SCT also will not sedate me. Something about not having a recovery room was the excuse I was given.
I agree, it's so painful and I hope at my 100 days they decide not to do another bmb.
Take care,
Beth
Beth,
You are right. Protocol dictates what must be on hand before conscious sedation may be used. Most offices to not have the credentialed staff and monitoring equipment, that are necessary, on hand. Unfortunately, for us, it is not cost effective for them. (I hear you! John) My oncologist's office doesn't offer sedation either.
It is barbaric to do it without sedation. Children have BMB completed at bedside. Their site is the sternum, not the hip. Poor babies, I can't even imagine it
How about that quality of care.
Kellie0 -
Hey there folksGo_go_Gi_gi said:You are a precious gift!
Lani, may God continue to lift you up, bless and encourage you. What a wonderful gift of support for your Grandmother!!! I agree with the others for you---take care of your grandmother and yourself; that will be a light to your other family members---May the peace of God transcend for you and your Grandmother during this difficult time.
Continuing to pray for you both and your family-Susan
Has anyone heard from Lani in private messages? I haven't seen a post about her Grandmother's situation for a few days.
Thanks
Bluerose0 -
day 11bluerose said:Hey there folks
Has anyone heard from Lani in private messages? I haven't seen a post about her Grandmother's situation for a few days.
Thanks
Bluerose
hey blue rose,
sorry havent written in a couple of days. grandma was suppose to be releazed into hospice care yesterday to finish her days at home. but now we are faced with an infection and a fever that we cant seem to get rid of. doctor are trying their best to make her as comfortable as possible. my mother is in complete denial of the situation and latley ive spent my days arguing with the red cross to get my brothers emergency leave since they are in the military but basically they are making my life difficult.
the lymph nodes in her both sides of her groin are about the size of my hand i can also see and feel two large ones in her tummy when i changed her diaper. i spoke to the oncologist yesterday who told me that we should get ready for the end.
i was kind of hoping she would get a chance to go into hopsice. we have everything ready bed oxygen nurses and everything but doc said hes not sure if she will make it to get to go into hospice.
she isnt in any pain. we listen to music at night. we talk and we laugh. i see how hard it is for her to breath any time she falls asleep which is like every half and hour and sometimes in the middle of conversations.
i dont want to see her like this anymore. it seems like there arent enough hours in the day for me. when she sleeps at night i dont. because i know eventually shes going to fall asleep and not wake up. i dnt cry and im getting good at pretending im ok. grandma doesnt cry either. but she said to do so when shes gone and then i will.
thanks for keeping me in mind. you guys are truly my diary.
lani0 -
day 11 comfortlani812 said:day 11
hey blue rose,
sorry havent written in a couple of days. grandma was suppose to be releazed into hospice care yesterday to finish her days at home. but now we are faced with an infection and a fever that we cant seem to get rid of. doctor are trying their best to make her as comfortable as possible. my mother is in complete denial of the situation and latley ive spent my days arguing with the red cross to get my brothers emergency leave since they are in the military but basically they are making my life difficult.
the lymph nodes in her both sides of her groin are about the size of my hand i can also see and feel two large ones in her tummy when i changed her diaper. i spoke to the oncologist yesterday who told me that we should get ready for the end.
i was kind of hoping she would get a chance to go into hopsice. we have everything ready bed oxygen nurses and everything but doc said hes not sure if she will make it to get to go into hospice.
she isnt in any pain. we listen to music at night. we talk and we laugh. i see how hard it is for her to breath any time she falls asleep which is like every half and hour and sometimes in the middle of conversations.
i dont want to see her like this anymore. it seems like there arent enough hours in the day for me. when she sleeps at night i dont. because i know eventually shes going to fall asleep and not wake up. i dnt cry and im getting good at pretending im ok. grandma doesnt cry either. but she said to do so when shes gone and then i will.
thanks for keeping me in mind. you guys are truly my diary.
lani
Hi Lani,
You and your grandmom are such a comfort to each other during this tough time. Praying for both of you; comfort and peace in the midst of the struggle and emotional pain. You will have some fond memories of this precious though painful time. Share whatever you need to here; there are some great friends and support here-- Susan0 -
Hey Lanilani812 said:day 11
hey blue rose,
sorry havent written in a couple of days. grandma was suppose to be releazed into hospice care yesterday to finish her days at home. but now we are faced with an infection and a fever that we cant seem to get rid of. doctor are trying their best to make her as comfortable as possible. my mother is in complete denial of the situation and latley ive spent my days arguing with the red cross to get my brothers emergency leave since they are in the military but basically they are making my life difficult.
the lymph nodes in her both sides of her groin are about the size of my hand i can also see and feel two large ones in her tummy when i changed her diaper. i spoke to the oncologist yesterday who told me that we should get ready for the end.
i was kind of hoping she would get a chance to go into hopsice. we have everything ready bed oxygen nurses and everything but doc said hes not sure if she will make it to get to go into hospice.
she isnt in any pain. we listen to music at night. we talk and we laugh. i see how hard it is for her to breath any time she falls asleep which is like every half and hour and sometimes in the middle of conversations.
i dont want to see her like this anymore. it seems like there arent enough hours in the day for me. when she sleeps at night i dont. because i know eventually shes going to fall asleep and not wake up. i dnt cry and im getting good at pretending im ok. grandma doesnt cry either. but she said to do so when shes gone and then i will.
thanks for keeping me in mind. you guys are truly my diary.
lani
Good to hear from you, we were wondering how it was going.
I'm sorry to hear of your Grandmother's condition but the fact that you and she are still laughing sometimes is so wonderful to hear. Have you thought out watching old family videos or film or anything? That might be nice to look back her life at special times, together.
Yes it sounds like she might not make it out of the hospital but you never know, only God knows. Spend the time with her and enjoy each and every moment that you can in stories about the old times and the new times you spent together as I'm sure you are doing and let God take care of the whens and whys if you can.
You are just so special the way you are caring for your Grandmother, down to changing her diapers - just amazing. What a special relationship you have wiht each other, what a gift. Sounds like she has a life well lived.
Hugs,
Bluerose0 -
grandma passedbluerose said:Hey Lani
Good to hear from you, we were wondering how it was going.
I'm sorry to hear of your Grandmother's condition but the fact that you and she are still laughing sometimes is so wonderful to hear. Have you thought out watching old family videos or film or anything? That might be nice to look back her life at special times, together.
Yes it sounds like she might not make it out of the hospital but you never know, only God knows. Spend the time with her and enjoy each and every moment that you can in stories about the old times and the new times you spent together as I'm sure you are doing and let God take care of the whens and whys if you can.
You are just so special the way you are caring for your Grandmother, down to changing her diapers - just amazing. What a special relationship you have wiht each other, what a gift. Sounds like she has a life well lived.
Hugs,
Bluerose
grandma passed today at 4:05 pm while i recited psalms 91. She went peacefully and in her sleep. I want to take this opportunity to thank everybody on this forum that went through this with us. On behalf of grandma and myself thank you!
R.i.p
escrimilda
4-1-37 to 9-21-11
mother
wife
grandmother
great grandmother
overall awesome human being.
Humbly,
Lani0 -
So sorry..lani812 said:grandma passed
grandma passed today at 4:05 pm while i recited psalms 91. She went peacefully and in her sleep. I want to take this opportunity to thank everybody on this forum that went through this with us. On behalf of grandma and myself thank you!
R.i.p
escrimilda
4-1-37 to 9-21-11
mother
wife
grandmother
great grandmother
overall awesome human being.
Humbly,
Lani
Dear Lani,
I am so sorry your Grandmother passed away. My thoughts and prayers are with you dear one. You are a pretty awesome human being yourself, and I'm sure your grandmother would say the same thing. God bless you and your family. Much love...Sue (FNHL-2-3A-6/10)0 -
Losslani812 said:grandma passed
grandma passed today at 4:05 pm while i recited psalms 91. She went peacefully and in her sleep. I want to take this opportunity to thank everybody on this forum that went through this with us. On behalf of grandma and myself thank you!
R.i.p
escrimilda
4-1-37 to 9-21-11
mother
wife
grandmother
great grandmother
overall awesome human being.
Humbly,
Lani
Dear Lani
I am so very sorry for the loss of your dear Grandma. You were able to share so much with her, you are a very special granddaughter.
Peaceful healing for you and your family during this difficult time.
Lisha0
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