Marriage problems

disneyfan2008

Chris: ramble away...so
Chris: ramble away...so sorry...to hear this is going on in your life...

I hope the thearapist helps...half the battle is getting someone to an appt...sounds like he may not make it..but YOU GO..for you...keep a journal..it won't help things but place to vent....helped me in past years..

HOW are your kids handling all this? HELPFUL, caring? understand what you have and are going through?

Denise

mckevnic

disneyfan2008 said:

Chris: ramble away...so
Chris: ramble away...so sorry...to hear this is going on in your life...

I hope the thearapist helps...half the battle is getting someone to an appt...sounds like he may not make it..but YOU GO..for you...keep a journal..it won't help things but place to vent....helped me in past years..

HOW are your kids handling all this? HELPFUL, caring? understand what you have and are going through?

Denise

torn apart
Denise,

The strained relationship I have with my husband had trickled down to my kids. I have a son who clings to my husband and a daughter who clings to me, figuratively. I hate the way my marriage is but I hate more that the kids are growing up in this environment thinking this is normal. My son is 17 and is dating a girl and I see him treating her like my husband treats me-distant. It's nothing verbal, the issue is non-verbal, hard to explain. But when I see this, I do tell my son it's not right, he should respect the girl, etc. My daughter is only 14 and hasn't had a boyfriend.

Aside from all this, I think both my kids have resentment towards me for the cancer. Neither will go to a counselor but I think they need to. They just don't understand and they take their anger out on me.

Chris

mollieb

mckevnic said:

Thanks for sharing your story, Kim
Kim,
Your story really did make me feel like I'm not alone. I'm sorry for what you are going through though. I hope you are able to get the emotional support you need to get through your separation. You really sound like you have incredible strength to deal with all of this beyond the cancer. You are an inspiration!

OK, so I had my second visit to counselor yesterday. Went better than first, I didn't cry as much. Not sure if I mentioned before, but my counselor is a guy. So I'm still a little apprehensive if he will even understand me and my perspective, but we'll see. He asked if I would want him to talk with my husband. "YES!" I said....(thinking maybe hearing some of this from a professional, my husband might understand me). The counselor asked if there was anything that was off-limits to discuss with my husband, I said no. So husband calls counselor and when he got home from work he said-talked to the counselor, he didn't say much, he didn't ask me anything, just introduced himself and told me that I'm available to talk to if I ever want to....is that what you (me) were expecting? Uhhhh, nooooo. I thought he was gonna ask my husband things about our marriage and how he is dealing with me (or not), I thought he would explain how I am feeling, etc. Now I am more frustrated!! Here I thought a conversation between husband and counselor would help my situation. It did nothing. Why would the counselor ask for my husband to call, then not talk about our situation? I just don't get it.

When I met with the counselor, he did have one good idea....we are going on vaca next week and I really don't want to go for the whole week. I tried telling my husband this but since we go away with his brother, wife and kids, my husband says I HAVE to go, not an option. The counselor suggested that my husband and I take off for a day trip and leave kids and everyone else behind. So I suggested this to my husband and he agreed we can do that. Now I am hopeful that a little alone time is exactly what we need. Be alone, walk on the beach, maybe even hold hands? omg, I don't even remember when the last time was that we did that. I do still love him and the counselor made me realize that I'm not ready to throw in the towel. So I guess we'll try this little day trip thing and see what happens.
Chris

He sounds afraid
Chris, I was thinking this as I read the posts, then Kim put it in focus. Your marriage was good for years, but your diagnosis has changed it. In part, it could be that your husband is afraid of losing you, afraid of changes. He needs to understand that there is more than one way to lose your comfortable life, and one of them is withdrawing from your wife. I also thought that since you are a stay-at-home mom, the focus of your life has probably been your husband and kids. Lately it has been yourself. He probably doesn't even realize that's an issue, but I bet it's upsetting. You have always handled things like this, and he's not prepared to be the supportive one. No experience. I hope your vacation "date" works out well, but don't hang too much on it. If it's a disaster, call it a learning experience. And I am interested in your wish to go on vacation for only part of the week -- sounds like you are craving "me" time (a feeling I know well). Once you are back from vacation, can you set aside a day every week or two just for yourself? It could be as simple as sitting on the sofa in your pajamas watching videos all day, or as elaborate as a "field trip" to a museum or historical site, alone or with a friend.

This is hard for everyone. If your husband enjoyed your life together before you got sick, he should be willing to make an effort to get it back. Let him know you are prepared to make an effort, and ask him to pitch in. And let him know that you understand that emotional work can be harder for men than for women, and that you will help all you can.

disneyfan2008

mckevnic said:

torn apart
Denise,

The strained relationship I have with my husband had trickled down to my kids. I have a son who clings to my husband and a daughter who clings to me, figuratively. I hate the way my marriage is but I hate more that the kids are growing up in this environment thinking this is normal. My son is 17 and is dating a girl and I see him treating her like my husband treats me-distant. It's nothing verbal, the issue is non-verbal, hard to explain. But when I see this, I do tell my son it's not right, he should respect the girl, etc. My daughter is only 14 and hasn't had a boyfriend.

Aside from all this, I think both my kids have resentment towards me for the cancer. Neither will go to a counselor but I think they need to. They just don't understand and they take their anger out on me.

Chris

sorry they take it out on
sorry they take it out on you...how about group session...can you talk them into that?

I just wanted to check back in with you and see how things are going...

Denise

disneyfan2008

mckevnic said:

torn apart
Denise,

The strained relationship I have with my husband had trickled down to my kids. I have a son who clings to my husband and a daughter who clings to me, figuratively. I hate the way my marriage is but I hate more that the kids are growing up in this environment thinking this is normal. My son is 17 and is dating a girl and I see him treating her like my husband treats me-distant. It's nothing verbal, the issue is non-verbal, hard to explain. But when I see this, I do tell my son it's not right, he should respect the girl, etc. My daughter is only 14 and hasn't had a boyfriend.

Aside from all this, I think both my kids have resentment towards me for the cancer. Neither will go to a counselor but I think they need to. They just don't understand and they take their anger out on me.

Chris

sorry they take it out on
sorry they take it out on you...how about group session...can you talk them into that?

I just wanted to check back in with you and see how things are going...

Denise

cahjah75

Chris
so sorry to hear your marriage is crumbling. My husband has watched me go from 106 lbs to 201 lbs at one time. I'm still about 60 lbs overweight and rejoined WW. I am post meno and on Arimidex. Hubby is still with me through all 13 surgeries I've had in the past 5 years. We don't talk much about the cancer but he was supportive when I was going through treatment. Heck, if he can live with my rantings over hot flashes, I guess he's a keeper. January we will celebrate 37 years. Your circumstances must put a lot of stress on you. Is there any one you could talk to? Since your husband has not responded about the counselor perhaps you could go on your own. I hope you can find peace within yourself and know that some marriages don't survive.
{{hugs}} Char

TKMomma

Been there, done that, still am
Since my lump and treatment this year I have become more than flabergasted. Very little support around the house when I was as my lowest of energy and working full time. Spent so much time alone as all he cared about was gulf. I too have sent emails as we .... He has difficulty communicating. One email he was actually pissed at me and didnt speak for days because I hurt his feelings but lets not forget the nights I cried alone. Even looked for an apt in september but backed out. Last week I had a lung biopsy. Scared to death but told him it was going to be a long day so just drop me off. No questions asked ..... Thats what he did. His lack of concern and just sitting there not talking to me would of caused more anxiety. When I called for him to pick me up he was at a bar. Hasnt asked since how I am feeling or about getting results. All I can say is im sorry for you going through something similar. I will never understand but also and unfortunstely never forget the sorrow he had caused me.

disneyfan2008

TKMomma said:

Been there, done that, still am
Since my lump and treatment this year I have become more than flabergasted. Very little support around the house when I was as my lowest of energy and working full time. Spent so much time alone as all he cared about was gulf. I too have sent emails as we .... He has difficulty communicating. One email he was actually pissed at me and didnt speak for days because I hurt his feelings but lets not forget the nights I cried alone. Even looked for an apt in september but backed out. Last week I had a lung biopsy. Scared to death but told him it was going to be a long day so just drop me off. No questions asked ..... Thats what he did. His lack of concern and just sitting there not talking to me would of caused more anxiety. When I called for him to pick me up he was at a bar. Hasnt asked since how I am feeling or about getting results. All I can say is im sorry for you going through something similar. I will never understand but also and unfortunstely never forget the sorrow he had caused me.

I think most men dont' know
I think most men dont' know how to handle things emotioanlly! THey think if I DON"T THINK about it "IT"S not real"..

MY post surgery for total hysterectomy due to cancer meds...he was totally not there...with helping me shower, get food, changing bandages etc..MY 19 yr old pulled through...other then that he's a GOOD/ Great guy...not happy is is like that but other wise always there..

I HOPE THINGS have calmed a bit and your feel better..

Denise