Marriage problems

mckevnic

Ok, so I've been married for 20 yrs and have 2 teenagers (1 boy, 1 girl). My marriage has been pretty good over the years however I feel like it went downhill after my BC diagnosis in 2010. Initially, my husband didn't want to tell ANYONE. To this day, he has not told anyone at his work nor some of his friends. He did go with me to appts in the beginning but when it came time for chemo and radiation-he went to work. He did take me to all surgeries and was helpful in the recovery time. Now, my treatment is over and I think he thinks I should be back to my ol self. Well, THAT's not gonna happen. BTW, our sex life wasn't great before but really ended after my lumpectomy. He sleeps in another bedroom (supposedly because my snoring keeps him awake). I've been getting very frustrated about our lack of communication and crumbling marriage and last week, I told him that I think our marriage is over. He basically agreed. When I said that I'm not leaving the house or kids, he said he's not either. So there we are...co-existing and barely speaking to each other. He says I am selfish, self-centered, stopped parenting, can't make decisions, lack self-confidence, should lose weight, and I'm more like my siblings than I want to believe (that's a low blow). I think I'm not selfish (I never do anything for ME), I'm a stay-at-home mom so where he thinks I stopped parenting I wonder what he thinks I do everyday while he is at work? I agree that I can't make decisions because over the last few months whenever I did make a decision, he always thought it was wrong, so I gave up. I know I should lose weight (I'm about 70 lbs over ideal and have been for years)but I didn't lose an ounce going through chemo, had ovaries removed so now postmen, and I'm taking Arimidex, achy all the time, and no energy to exercise.
I am seeing a counselor on Thursday and I emailed my husband and asked if I made an appt would he go with me-no response. Just wondering if anyone else is in the same boat? Sorry for rambling. Any advice you can give would be greatly appreciated!
Chris

Dwwilburn

Mckevnic, we have a lot in
Mckevnic, we have a lot in common. Intoo was diagnosed in 2010, lumpectomy, been married 22 years, two kids and arimidex. My husband told people he worked with and he hit the major appts but I was mostly solo. My friends and parents have done the bulk of the driving for chemo and rad. Our sex life ended after I lost my hair. I just felt sexless. My hair is starting to come back but I am not ready for sex. I think counseling will do you good. Based on your note, I am betting you feel lonely. I have to ask though why did you email your husband about counseling instead of personally asking him? I have read some articles on the Internet on breast cancer and divorce. I am sorry he is saying very negative things to you because that is the last thing you need. My advice is to ask him to go with you or to do counseling on his own.
Dianne

disneyfan2008

ramble away...so sorry you
ramble away...so sorry you have to deal with this on top of your medical issues..

I hope things work out...would he consider counseling? if not I would go alone...just for coping skills...

good luck

Denise

mckevnic

Dwwilburn said:

Mckevnic, we have a lot in
Mckevnic, we have a lot in common. Intoo was diagnosed in 2010, lumpectomy, been married 22 years, two kids and arimidex. My husband told people he worked with and he hit the major appts but I was mostly solo. My friends and parents have done the bulk of the driving for chemo and rad. Our sex life ended after I lost my hair. I just felt sexless. My hair is starting to come back but I am not ready for sex. I think counseling will do you good. Based on your note, I am betting you feel lonely. I have to ask though why did you email your husband about counseling instead of personally asking him? I have read some articles on the Internet on breast cancer and divorce. I am sorry he is saying very negative things to you because that is the last thing you need. My advice is to ask him to go with you or to do counseling on his own.
Dianne

Thanks for your reply....
Unbelieveable how our two lives are so similar! I thought it was just me! I do feel very alone. I don't want to talk about this with any of my friends or family because I'm afraid if things work out, they will have a different opinion of him, us. So I keep it all in-or talk to people here. The only reason I emailed my husband about counseling is because he was at work at the time that I was trying to make the appt. I was thinking they would ask if it was just me or both of us coming. We had talked about counseling before and his answer was always that-yeah, you could use counseling-like he couldn't! I'll see what my counselor says on Thurs. Hoping he can shed some light! Dianne, I hope you are getting the emotional help you need too. I'm sorry your going through the same, I hope things work out for you! I'll keep you posted what the counselor says-maybe it will help you too, you never know.
Chris

butterflylvr

disneyfan2008 said:

ramble away...so sorry you
ramble away...so sorry you have to deal with this on top of your medical issues..

I hope things work out...would he consider counseling? if not I would go alone...just for coping skills...

good luck

Denise

I agree with Denise Chris,
I agree with Denise Chris, you need to get the help for yourself first. If your husband isn't willing to join you at this moment seeing a councilor by yourself might help you sort your feelings. I can see deep inside you feel there is still hope, hence is why you aren't telling anybody.

My husband and I have been married 24 years but about 18 years ago we separated. Communication wasn't there and he was mean and ugly to me (all before my cancer). After a separation and the death of one of his sons, we both realized how much we still cared and worried about one another. We started dating again... and never went through with the divorce.

Cancer has changed you, it's changed your lives as you knew it. Just because your husband wasn't there for all your appointments doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't care about you. He may be having trouble dealing with your illness too. The fact that he isn't running out of that house and finding a different place to live, leads me to believe that he feels at least somewhat comfortable cohabitating with you.

I think you are on the right track in seeing the counselor. He will be the best person to steer you down the path you need to be on. All I can say, is for the sake of the kids (even though they are adults) keep it congeal between you and your husband. Friendship can lead back to romance, that is if that is what you want.

Hugs, we are here for you..
Lorrie

laughs_a_lot

Given some time
Given some time, he may actually become more like the man you had hoped he would be in this fight. However, food for thought is this. How would he expect you to behave as his wife if he had cancer of the prostate? Men sometimes think that when they get married that the "better or worse, in sickness and in health" clause is protection for them. They sometimes think that the woman won't need this clause of the marriage vow. Time gives one some great perspective especially when tempered with a challenge of this porportion.

carkris

laughs_a_lot said:

Given some time
Given some time, he may actually become more like the man you had hoped he would be in this fight. However, food for thought is this. How would he expect you to behave as his wife if he had cancer of the prostate? Men sometimes think that when they get married that the "better or worse, in sickness and in health" clause is protection for them. They sometimes think that the woman won't need this clause of the marriage vow. Time gives one some great perspective especially when tempered with a challenge of this porportion.

I feel sad that he is being
I feel sad that he is being this way. I hope the counselor gives you some insight it is a positive move in the right direction.

carkris

laughs_a_lot said:

Given some time
Given some time, he may actually become more like the man you had hoped he would be in this fight. However, food for thought is this. How would he expect you to behave as his wife if he had cancer of the prostate? Men sometimes think that when they get married that the "better or worse, in sickness and in health" clause is protection for them. They sometimes think that the woman won't need this clause of the marriage vow. Time gives one some great perspective especially when tempered with a challenge of this porportion.

I feel sad that he is being
I feel sad that he is being this way. I hope the counselor gives you some insight it is a positive move in the right direction.

survivorbc09

butterflylvr said:

I agree with Denise Chris,
I agree with Denise Chris, you need to get the help for yourself first. If your husband isn't willing to join you at this moment seeing a councilor by yourself might help you sort your feelings. I can see deep inside you feel there is still hope, hence is why you aren't telling anybody.

My husband and I have been married 24 years but about 18 years ago we separated. Communication wasn't there and he was mean and ugly to me (all before my cancer). After a separation and the death of one of his sons, we both realized how much we still cared and worried about one another. We started dating again... and never went through with the divorce.

Cancer has changed you, it's changed your lives as you knew it. Just because your husband wasn't there for all your appointments doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't care about you. He may be having trouble dealing with your illness too. The fact that he isn't running out of that house and finding a different place to live, leads me to believe that he feels at least somewhat comfortable cohabitating with you.

I think you are on the right track in seeing the counselor. He will be the best person to steer you down the path you need to be on. All I can say, is for the sake of the kids (even though they are adults) keep it congeal between you and your husband. Friendship can lead back to romance, that is if that is what you want.

Hugs, we are here for you..
Lorrie

I agree that your seeing a
I agree that your seeing a counselor might help you right now, but, I hope your husband will go with you. Cancer affects our lives and our loved ones lives in ways that we may not even realize.


Good luck and Hugs,


Jan

Nana C.

I Too Have Marriage Problem
Chris,

I am so sorry that along with everything you have to deal with A bad Marrige. My husband tried very hard to appear to be the supportive husband, but he never wanted to talk about what I was going through. Once I was told I had cancer we were no longer intimate at all. Sometimes I think he thought he could catch it. After the Chemo was finished I had Neuropathy so bad that sex was out of the question. When my doctor got the pain under contol, I had a prolapsed bladder. Had to wait until I finished Avastin to get that fixed. Three Weeks ago I got my bladder fixed and a Hysterectomy. Was not Dealing with Tamoxifen well. Right now I don't have a choice, For 20 Years I was a manager of a large distributor and was self suffient. About 4 years I quit that job and Have not really find anything that was a good fit for me. I did have a job when I was diagoned, but the have let me go since. One thing I know for sure is that I am not going to let him keep me from enjoying everyday to the best of my ability. I know that I am going to beat this, but of course there are things I have to do to make that happen. My best friend, since I was 7 died of breat cancer 5 years ago and I really beleive he was more concerned for her than for me, I am not a jealous person. I don't know what happenes to some husbands when we have to go through all this. I will be praying that whatever desision you make, will be the best one for you.

God bless,
Eva

jendrey

carkris said:

I feel sad that he is being
I feel sad that he is being this way. I hope the counselor gives you some insight it is a positive move in the right direction.

...
I'm sorry that you have to put up with such antics of someone once so dear to you.

I'm intrigued as to why he didn't want to tell anyone; is he ashamed of YOUR cancer? Was he thinking that you should be too?

Everyone else but our pink sisters here thinks that we should be getting back to our
"old selves" once chemo and radiation is over. They don't get it; many simply do not have the capability and worse yet still most never will. Hence out comes the semi to downright nasty behavior.

I think in part it's because from the outside you may look better than you ever have before. And who wouldn't..you have a new short & sassy hairstyle (thanks chemo), just about perfect makeup - cause well, (during chemo) maybe if my makeup is perfect it'll distract from the fact that I have no hair(!)...and prolly just a whole lot more empathy because you know just how awful someone can truly feel and still be able to function.

OMG - stopped parenting?!! Is he for real? For one thing you're the mom, mom's parent - that's what they do 24-7 and that'll never change. Someone should alert hubby (maybe an IM?!!) that a perceived lack of parental skills is not now nor has it ever been a side effect of breast cancer/treatment. But that a husband turning into a selfish jerk (sometimes) IS. And like any adverse effect can be treated. The question is: do the benefits outweigh the risks?!! I'm just sayin'...

You're a stay at home mom and he's saying you're selfish? I hardly think running a household with not one, but two teenagers even begins to cover how much you have to give of yourself. Yessiree, some remedial boot camp might well be in order for dear hubby.

Everyone makes bad decisions at times, some worse than others and some not so bad. Note to hubby: it's called experience. Deal with it. Further, the day he can walk on water is the day he gets to second-guess and undermine your decision making skills and not a minute before.

I've gained some weight too, about 40 lbs or so. I've always weighed 103 and then wham and I'm still gaining even though I do just about everything under the sun not too.

I don't know how your siblings are but I'd say these words to hubby: "You say that like it's a bad thing." Cause once you own it he will never again have the power to hurt you like that. You may or may not be like your siblings but he knows saying so will push your buttons. Take away the button and you just have a sad, lonely, selfish man who cannot make himself happy so doesn't want you to be happy either.

If your Arimidex isn't working out ask your dr. if you might have less issues with one of the other anti-estrogens...uh, wait a minute you had your ovaries removed?

Chris, you can ramble here anytime you want. We are here for you and we so get it, we are your sisters in pink!

jendrey

Nana C. said:

I Too Have Marriage Problem
Chris,

I am so sorry that along with everything you have to deal with A bad Marrige. My husband tried very hard to appear to be the supportive husband, but he never wanted to talk about what I was going through. Once I was told I had cancer we were no longer intimate at all. Sometimes I think he thought he could catch it. After the Chemo was finished I had Neuropathy so bad that sex was out of the question. When my doctor got the pain under contol, I had a prolapsed bladder. Had to wait until I finished Avastin to get that fixed. Three Weeks ago I got my bladder fixed and a Hysterectomy. Was not Dealing with Tamoxifen well. Right now I don't have a choice, For 20 Years I was a manager of a large distributor and was self suffient. About 4 years I quit that job and Have not really find anything that was a good fit for me. I did have a job when I was diagoned, but the have let me go since. One thing I know for sure is that I am not going to let him keep me from enjoying everyday to the best of my ability. I know that I am going to beat this, but of course there are things I have to do to make that happen. My best friend, since I was 7 died of breat cancer 5 years ago and I really beleive he was more concerned for her than for me, I am not a jealous person. I don't know what happenes to some husbands when we have to go through all this. I will be praying that whatever desision you make, will be the best one for you.

God bless,
Eva

One more thing...he is NOT the boss of you!!!
Sorry about my commentary above...my advice? Perhaps (besides counseling if he will), maybe arrange to get to know each other again. Have a date night where you actually get dressed up and he takes you for a sit-down dinner where you ask silly and serious questions. Has he always dreamed of sky-diving/rock-climbing/snokeling/whatever but now what with the family and all never got around to it? Well, do it then. Find out where one goes for something like that, what kind of gear is needed and start making it happen. Maybe he just needs to be supported in some long lost dream like that.

Maybe he really is just a jerk, but just maybe he's gotten a little lost and needs a breadcrumb trail to follow.

mckevnic

jendrey said:

One more thing...he is NOT the boss of you!!!
Sorry about my commentary above...my advice? Perhaps (besides counseling if he will), maybe arrange to get to know each other again. Have a date night where you actually get dressed up and he takes you for a sit-down dinner where you ask silly and serious questions. Has he always dreamed of sky-diving/rock-climbing/snokeling/whatever but now what with the family and all never got around to it? Well, do it then. Find out where one goes for something like that, what kind of gear is needed and start making it happen. Maybe he just needs to be supported in some long lost dream like that.

Maybe he really is just a jerk, but just maybe he's gotten a little lost and needs a breadcrumb trail to follow.

Thanks everyone, especially Jendrey!
jendrey, I soooo appreciate the commentary! You really understand how my life is and how wrong my husband is with everything. I knew I am a mom 24/7 and haven't given up parenting. I think because he is at work all day he doesn't see what I do, then when the kids flock to him, he thinks they are doing it to escape me....noooooo, they have just been with me all day and he is a new face to interact with. As for my family, they are all messed up mentally so for him to compare me to them is like salt in a wound.
I met with a counselor on Thursday and really felt better after just one visit. I know there is alot I need to work out in my own head and this counselor is gonna help me. I feel so relieved in a way. So last nite I told dear hubby that I met with the counselor and I realize I have alot to work on so I will continue with counseling. Then I said the counselor would be willing to meet with him at some point, he said ok. Part of me thinks he feels like since I'm admitting I have issues to work on, that none of this is his problem or fault. How the hell do I get him to realize HE has issues to?
Yes, we really need to get back to dating, but right now, I dont have the mental energy for it. I am spent. We'll see how things go with counseling.
Thanks for everyone's comments here though! I don't feel alone anymore because of you.
Chris

jendrey

mckevnic said:

Thanks everyone, especially Jendrey!
jendrey, I soooo appreciate the commentary! You really understand how my life is and how wrong my husband is with everything. I knew I am a mom 24/7 and haven't given up parenting. I think because he is at work all day he doesn't see what I do, then when the kids flock to him, he thinks they are doing it to escape me....noooooo, they have just been with me all day and he is a new face to interact with. As for my family, they are all messed up mentally so for him to compare me to them is like salt in a wound.
I met with a counselor on Thursday and really felt better after just one visit. I know there is alot I need to work out in my own head and this counselor is gonna help me. I feel so relieved in a way. So last nite I told dear hubby that I met with the counselor and I realize I have alot to work on so I will continue with counseling. Then I said the counselor would be willing to meet with him at some point, he said ok. Part of me thinks he feels like since I'm admitting I have issues to work on, that none of this is his problem or fault. How the hell do I get him to realize HE has issues to?
Yes, we really need to get back to dating, but right now, I dont have the mental energy for it. I am spent. We'll see how things go with counseling.
Thanks for everyone's comments here though! I don't feel alone anymore because of you.
Chris

...
Oh Chris I hope you will never feel all alone again in this journey, for we are here for you. Always.

I'm glad to know that things aren't looking so very bad as before. You do know that not Everything is your fault right? It takes two to tango as they say. And I don't know about anyone else but it's been my experience that if somebody can blame anybody else for their problems then they sometimes will. Translation: If your DH can get away with blaming you for all of the issues in the marriage as well as any problems in his life then well, why not.. I'd sure like to blame ANYBODY else for my probs..! =D

I'll tell you why not; because if he's not part of the solution then he's part of the problem. And from what I can tell a big part. I'm just sayin'

Hubby may in fact realize he has some unaddressed issues, but Unfortunately he may never, ever, admit to any. Let alone spill it to a counselor. If I were him I'd be slightly afraid that you might just take your cue from him and that he may well find himself on the receiving end of his very own behavior. Not a very pretty picture that one.

All you can really do is work on those things that you can control and try not to dwell on the things that you have no control over. Try as you might you simply cannot make another person change no matter how hard you try or how great the enticement. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

But you can change how you feel about yourself, which you have already taken steps to do! Not an easy thing to set out to do...remember, baby steps one foot in front of the other and you'll get there. I know you will. I'm right here beside you!

Repeat after me:
What I think matters. I am important. I am (daughter) & (son)'s mother. I am not my siblings. I am me. I am only responsible for me.

Repeat as needed.

Hugs, Hope, & Happiness

KimElaine

Chris.... I just wanted to say I am so sorry for your struggle... I thought I would share some of my story so you don't feel alone. There are many I think who are having marital problems because of cancer. I am a cancer survivor for two years now and currently seperated and just recently decided I have to file for divorce. I've been married 33yrs and am very heart broken. It is so difficult to understand how an illness can tear hearts apart.... it's difficult for me to accept this. My husband was not supportive through my aggressive chemo treatments and he spent that entire time drinking I think of fear of losing me.... ironic, he ended up being the one who tore us apart because he's put a limit on how much change he'll tolerate and he has decided after all I've been through (8 surgeries & many difficulties throughout the whole thing)that it's not worth waiting any longer for me to return to my oldself. It's ironic he was the one who couldn't handle the fear when I was the one facing death so he drank that time away and left me alone for months to sit and ponder my future and pick myself up. I did all the cooking while feeling sick and all my housework... everythng in his day was normal except he had to suffer some neglect sexually only because I wasn't feeling well or feeling good about myself after I had a bi-lateral masectomy. Of course it was okay for him to pass out from drinking for many nights or just neglect me physically for weeks at a time because he was upset with living with a sick wife or a wife that had 'issues' he couldn't handle. He never has got it through his head that as badly as he wants life to be normal again, I want it even more.

It's heartbreaking.... how selfish humans can be when they have plenty of time to focus on other things that are selfish and less important... but when you are faced with a deadly illness how your focus changes and sometimes you need to make changes that are hard but necessary to survive. And the simplest things become the most enjoyable. I believe cancer seperates hearts if unselfish love isn't present. It is true, a crisis as large as living with a deadly illness in a family can either make a family bond tighter than ever before or tears it into little pieces until the pieces can't be put back together at all.

My advice to you Chris, is to keep smiling. Your illness isn't something you requested or asked for and the outcome isn't in your control. I kept my SERENITY prayer close to me and to this day... it still helps me to realize what I can and can't take control of. You are not responsible or in control of your husband's feelings and actions or words but you are in control of your own. Know in your heart you are only human and can only do so much. Men like your husband and mine will kill us before they realize they are being selfish.

Focus on your health and your kids and those who encourage you to heal and get better. Focus on the things in life that make you smile and make you happy. If your husband treats you badly or speaks to you in a hurtful way try your best to brush it off as a selfish act on his part and do something that makes you feel good about yourself like go shopping with one of the kids and enjoy yourself. Enjoy life basically and don't let your husband stop you.

I had to do this to survive and still today I'm struggling in my marriage. I'm hurt....you're hurt.... BUT WE ARE SURVIVORS in more ways than one. We don't have to prove that... the proof is there in our strength and courage!

God Bless you! Smell the roses!
Kim
~ GOD BLESS ME WITH THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CAN NOT CHANGE; THE COURAGE AND STRENGTH TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN; AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE. ~

carkris

KimElaine said:

Chris.... I just wanted to say I am so sorry for your struggle... I thought I would share some of my story so you don't feel alone. There are many I think who are having marital problems because of cancer. I am a cancer survivor for two years now and currently seperated and just recently decided I have to file for divorce. I've been married 33yrs and am very heart broken. It is so difficult to understand how an illness can tear hearts apart.... it's difficult for me to accept this. My husband was not supportive through my aggressive chemo treatments and he spent that entire time drinking I think of fear of losing me.... ironic, he ended up being the one who tore us apart because he's put a limit on how much change he'll tolerate and he has decided after all I've been through (8 surgeries & many difficulties throughout the whole thing)that it's not worth waiting any longer for me to return to my oldself. It's ironic he was the one who couldn't handle the fear when I was the one facing death so he drank that time away and left me alone for months to sit and ponder my future and pick myself up. I did all the cooking while feeling sick and all my housework... everythng in his day was normal except he had to suffer some neglect sexually only because I wasn't feeling well or feeling good about myself after I had a bi-lateral masectomy. Of course it was okay for him to pass out from drinking for many nights or just neglect me physically for weeks at a time because he was upset with living with a sick wife or a wife that had 'issues' he couldn't handle. He never has got it through his head that as badly as he wants life to be normal again, I want it even more.

It's heartbreaking.... how selfish humans can be when they have plenty of time to focus on other things that are selfish and less important... but when you are faced with a deadly illness how your focus changes and sometimes you need to make changes that are hard but necessary to survive. And the simplest things become the most enjoyable. I believe cancer seperates hearts if unselfish love isn't present. It is true, a crisis as large as living with a deadly illness in a family can either make a family bond tighter than ever before or tears it into little pieces until the pieces can't be put back together at all.

My advice to you Chris, is to keep smiling. Your illness isn't something you requested or asked for and the outcome isn't in your control. I kept my SERENITY prayer close to me and to this day... it still helps me to realize what I can and can't take control of. You are not responsible or in control of your husband's feelings and actions or words but you are in control of your own. Know in your heart you are only human and can only do so much. Men like your husband and mine will kill us before they realize they are being selfish.

Focus on your health and your kids and those who encourage you to heal and get better. Focus on the things in life that make you smile and make you happy. If your husband treats you badly or speaks to you in a hurtful way try your best to brush it off as a selfish act on his part and do something that makes you feel good about yourself like go shopping with one of the kids and enjoy yourself. Enjoy life basically and don't let your husband stop you.

I had to do this to survive and still today I'm struggling in my marriage. I'm hurt....you're hurt.... BUT WE ARE SURVIVORS in more ways than one. We don't have to prove that... the proof is there in our strength and courage!

God Bless you! Smell the roses!
Kim
~ GOD BLESS ME WITH THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CAN NOT CHANGE; THE COURAGE AND STRENGTH TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN; AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE. ~

well hopefully the counselor
well hopefully the counselor can make him see what his issues are. men have issues dealing with emotions and particularly anger. People in general channel anger in really maladaptive ways. I tend to turn it inward, but will get less patient with my husband. However there is never an excuse for abusive talk or behavior. NEVER.
One thing through this and ( am still trying to figure out all this), is that I matter, what I want is important.I have only been given one life and I have to make the most of it. NOW! (Glad the counselor has helped already)

mckevnic

KimElaine said:

Chris.... I just wanted to say I am so sorry for your struggle... I thought I would share some of my story so you don't feel alone. There are many I think who are having marital problems because of cancer. I am a cancer survivor for two years now and currently seperated and just recently decided I have to file for divorce. I've been married 33yrs and am very heart broken. It is so difficult to understand how an illness can tear hearts apart.... it's difficult for me to accept this. My husband was not supportive through my aggressive chemo treatments and he spent that entire time drinking I think of fear of losing me.... ironic, he ended up being the one who tore us apart because he's put a limit on how much change he'll tolerate and he has decided after all I've been through (8 surgeries & many difficulties throughout the whole thing)that it's not worth waiting any longer for me to return to my oldself. It's ironic he was the one who couldn't handle the fear when I was the one facing death so he drank that time away and left me alone for months to sit and ponder my future and pick myself up. I did all the cooking while feeling sick and all my housework... everythng in his day was normal except he had to suffer some neglect sexually only because I wasn't feeling well or feeling good about myself after I had a bi-lateral masectomy. Of course it was okay for him to pass out from drinking for many nights or just neglect me physically for weeks at a time because he was upset with living with a sick wife or a wife that had 'issues' he couldn't handle. He never has got it through his head that as badly as he wants life to be normal again, I want it even more.

It's heartbreaking.... how selfish humans can be when they have plenty of time to focus on other things that are selfish and less important... but when you are faced with a deadly illness how your focus changes and sometimes you need to make changes that are hard but necessary to survive. And the simplest things become the most enjoyable. I believe cancer seperates hearts if unselfish love isn't present. It is true, a crisis as large as living with a deadly illness in a family can either make a family bond tighter than ever before or tears it into little pieces until the pieces can't be put back together at all.

My advice to you Chris, is to keep smiling. Your illness isn't something you requested or asked for and the outcome isn't in your control. I kept my SERENITY prayer close to me and to this day... it still helps me to realize what I can and can't take control of. You are not responsible or in control of your husband's feelings and actions or words but you are in control of your own. Know in your heart you are only human and can only do so much. Men like your husband and mine will kill us before they realize they are being selfish.

Focus on your health and your kids and those who encourage you to heal and get better. Focus on the things in life that make you smile and make you happy. If your husband treats you badly or speaks to you in a hurtful way try your best to brush it off as a selfish act on his part and do something that makes you feel good about yourself like go shopping with one of the kids and enjoy yourself. Enjoy life basically and don't let your husband stop you.

I had to do this to survive and still today I'm struggling in my marriage. I'm hurt....you're hurt.... BUT WE ARE SURVIVORS in more ways than one. We don't have to prove that... the proof is there in our strength and courage!

God Bless you! Smell the roses!
Kim
~ GOD BLESS ME WITH THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CAN NOT CHANGE; THE COURAGE AND STRENGTH TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN; AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE. ~

Thanks for sharing your story, Kim
Kim,
Your story really did make me feel like I'm not alone. I'm sorry for what you are going through though. I hope you are able to get the emotional support you need to get through your separation. You really sound like you have incredible strength to deal with all of this beyond the cancer. You are an inspiration!

OK, so I had my second visit to counselor yesterday. Went better than first, I didn't cry as much. Not sure if I mentioned before, but my counselor is a guy. So I'm still a little apprehensive if he will even understand me and my perspective, but we'll see. He asked if I would want him to talk with my husband. "YES!" I said....(thinking maybe hearing some of this from a professional, my husband might understand me). The counselor asked if there was anything that was off-limits to discuss with my husband, I said no. So husband calls counselor and when he got home from work he said-talked to the counselor, he didn't say much, he didn't ask me anything, just introduced himself and told me that I'm available to talk to if I ever want to....is that what you (me) were expecting? Uhhhh, nooooo. I thought he was gonna ask my husband things about our marriage and how he is dealing with me (or not), I thought he would explain how I am feeling, etc. Now I am more frustrated!! Here I thought a conversation between husband and counselor would help my situation. It did nothing. Why would the counselor ask for my husband to call, then not talk about our situation? I just don't get it.

When I met with the counselor, he did have one good idea....we are going on vaca next week and I really don't want to go for the whole week. I tried telling my husband this but since we go away with his brother, wife and kids, my husband says I HAVE to go, not an option. The counselor suggested that my husband and I take off for a day trip and leave kids and everyone else behind. So I suggested this to my husband and he agreed we can do that. Now I am hopeful that a little alone time is exactly what we need. Be alone, walk on the beach, maybe even hold hands? omg, I don't even remember when the last time was that we did that. I do still love him and the counselor made me realize that I'm not ready to throw in the towel. So I guess we'll try this little day trip thing and see what happens.
Chris

DebbyB

BUMP
My husband hasn't been supportive at all. He left the day after my 3rd chemo treatment. He said he was going to his sister's and no one heard from him for almost a week. He got drunk that day and stayed that way. He came back asking for forgiveness half way through radiation. I didn't let him back in for a couple more weeks, then I was tired and weak and allowed him back in. WTH was I thinking. He started sleeping on the couch the day before surgery and even after coming home, he is still on the couch. I read online the stats for relationships is 20.9% of women who get breast cancer or MS, are left and 2.9% for men. I don't know that I can forgive him for leaving me, when I needed him most.

mckevnic

DebbyB said:

BUMP
My husband hasn't been supportive at all. He left the day after my 3rd chemo treatment. He said he was going to his sister's and no one heard from him for almost a week. He got drunk that day and stayed that way. He came back asking for forgiveness half way through radiation. I didn't let him back in for a couple more weeks, then I was tired and weak and allowed him back in. WTH was I thinking. He started sleeping on the couch the day before surgery and even after coming home, he is still on the couch. I read online the stats for relationships is 20.9% of women who get breast cancer or MS, are left and 2.9% for men. I don't know that I can forgive him for leaving me, when I needed him most.

I wonder.....
how many other couples out there struggle once one is diagnosed with cancer of any type?? I'm sorry Debby that you're dealing with this too. I don't really have an answer, but what I do know is I have taken control of ME.
I continue going to the counselor (I was aprrehensive at first because he was a guy, but he turned out VERY helpful). Just today I saw him and he recommended seeing a marriage counselor too. My husband has been sleeping in our guest room for months and right now I feel like we are roommates, not soulmates. His drinking is getting worse but he doesn't pass out or get violent so for that I guess I'm thankful. I will def go to the counselor-with or without him. I am feeling stronger now and need to resolve this marriage one way or another. Not sure what I want to do yet-stay or go. We have just drifted apart....alot since cancer.
Does anyone have any advice or thoughts on the struggling marriages?
Chris

DebbyB

mckevnic said:

I wonder.....
how many other couples out there struggle once one is diagnosed with cancer of any type?? I'm sorry Debby that you're dealing with this too. I don't really have an answer, but what I do know is I have taken control of ME.
I continue going to the counselor (I was aprrehensive at first because he was a guy, but he turned out VERY helpful). Just today I saw him and he recommended seeing a marriage counselor too. My husband has been sleeping in our guest room for months and right now I feel like we are roommates, not soulmates. His drinking is getting worse but he doesn't pass out or get violent so for that I guess I'm thankful. I will def go to the counselor-with or without him. I am feeling stronger now and need to resolve this marriage one way or another. Not sure what I want to do yet-stay or go. We have just drifted apart....alot since cancer.
Does anyone have any advice or thoughts on the struggling marriages?
Chris

Thank you Chris
I have been doing for me. I am going to a survivor's support group and now starting to heal from radiation and can go back to swimming.
I believe we are on the path to divorce. He spend Thanksgiving Day resenting me that I am not up to the drive to his family's house. I asked him to go without me, since I was going to be resting most of the day. He spent the day outside in the yard and shed, avoiding me.

RozHopkins

Hi
OK you are having a terrible time. Feeling your hubby is the one with a problem. Honestly, we all put on weight as time goes on and more so with cancer. You sound a lovely lady to me and I feel your hubby has sadly let you down. Understand some partners have problems coping with cancer but sounds to me you are further down the line that that. I would give him a verbal lashing and lay down the law. After all of our little quirks and all our ups and downs (his and yours) in the end you should feel loved and cared for. If not, something is amiss. All the best sorting this problem out.