Sex

mopar

Tina Brown said:

Robin and Monika
Thank you for your messages. I have so enjoyed reading these posts. It is wonderful to know you ladies are out there and are experiencing similar things to me.

The intimacy that 2 people who are love share is truely magical and anyone priviledged to be in that position is so lucky. Never take it for granted and always show each other how much you love them.

Monika, I get the burn & never realised it was the absense of oestrogen. I too have tried all sorts of creams in the past but don't seem to make any difference. I have begun to wonder if it is because I was not aroused? Sex with my husband used to me quiet rushed and he NEVER tried foreplay.

Anyway, I am beginning to consider to look into ways to "please myself" if you know what I mean (Oooh a little embarassed now) but I am sure I will get better results.

Take care everyone, Tina xx

IRONY
It is so ironic - once I knew I needed a complete hysterctomy and that I had OVCA, there ws a moment when I joked with my husband - 'think of the fun we'll have knowing we don't need to use any birth control anymore!' I fantasized about 'wild abandon' and that these would be the 'golden years' of our lives. No one told me about all the other side affects of menopause. Some days it even hurts to wear jeans. Now I have to also admit that maybe part of the problem (for me) is that my libido is sooooooo looooooow. It's not that I don't love my hubby, but I'm also in a constant state of working, moving, doing, as our daugther has severe rhematoid arthritis and fibromyagia, my husband is on disability, I work two jobs. . .

Oh well, I guess I threw some more things into the mix. Anyway, my hugs to all of you - for relationships, for healing, for joy. Wish I could personally give you all a big hug!

Monika

lindachris

From a husband's point of view
I'll simply say that I don't think your husband "prefers" pornos. But there is some circumstantial protection of self going on. Men will hide their own vulnerability and lack of self esteems by looking at pornography. Think of it like comfort food. All of us eat when we get hungry, but many of us also eat when we're bored or insecure. Even while we're doing it we know it isn't the "real" food we need, but we eat anyway. It is the association with prior good feelings that makes us partake in comfort food, sometimes to the point of a fetish for chocolate, coffee, cheese, whatever. So if you look at the pornography like comfort food it seems a little less evil. He may simply be trying to find a constructive way to get rid of his sex drive and possibly feel more desired himself. Strange to say, but that "objectification" someone mentions is exactly that; by feeling like they "possess" women (visually or otherwise) men sometimes fill gaps in their own desirability. So that's the groundwork.

Believe it or not, he may almost feel (but not exactly know how to say it) that asking for sex is an intrusion right now. And he probably feels deprived, ironically. And people who suffer deprivation (justified or not) often withdraw and look for others to blame. Then the tension builds between present emotions and past desires and an emptiness gap grows wider. Then it becomes a matter of ego to bridge that gap. No one wants to give in.

There's a weird process that goes on when his desires for you cannot find the right connection. The "you" he's probably missing (to the point of grief, as someone pointed out) is simply not there right now. Not in his mind. We'd all like to think husbands are capable of more, and I know many that are. When the wife of my best friend from high school had her breasts removed during cancer treatment, he definitely took the high road because, as he loves her, "They were just breasts." Would that we could all be so wise, both men and women.

I think you need to get out somewhere, out of the home and into a favorite place, even a night away. Do not expect sex but try to find some original connection, no matter how small. Reaching across that gap is the key thing right now. I can tell you as a man that it is hard for many men to admit their flaw, their need for intimacy, attention and affection. Think about it as giving him attention and trying to get a little attention in return. Nothing more for right now. And see where that leads.

If you are a person of faith, know that God will help you find those words, that connection. Trust and respect each other. That's the foundation for a return to where you want to be. It's hard work, but worth it.