Sex
Comments
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Yes me too
My husband and I have a sister brother relationship. I have virtually no libido or sex drive because I feel ugly , fat and bald. I don't think my husband finds me desirable because I am ugly fat & bald so we have stale mate situation.
I believe my husband looks at porn too and when I ask him about our "non-existant" sex life he says "I don't mind because you are ill"
I still have needs (and would really like to make love) but do not feel at all sexy or desirable whilst I am fat ugly and bald. It does upset me a great deal but I keep it mostly to myself until now.
How can I get in the mood if I know my husband is not turned on by me???????????
Please let me know if you have found a way around this?
Tina xx0 -
I'm sorry
I dont' really have any answers . Maybe he is afraid of hurting you. Maybe he just needs some time... And Tina, please stop saying mean things about yourself.. you are not ugly or fat.. Bald, maybe, ugly or fat never....0 -
Maybe your husband is grieving?Cindy Bear said:I'm sorry
I dont' really have any answers . Maybe he is afraid of hurting you. Maybe he just needs some time... And Tina, please stop saying mean things about yourself.. you are not ugly or fat.. Bald, maybe, ugly or fat never....
Trish: I'm no therapist but I think that your husband's reaction to your illness is probably more common than you think. The ACS might have a support group for caregivers/partners of people who are dealing with a cancer diagnosis.
I was so sick for months that making love was on put on the back burner (so to speak). Having intercourse was really uncomfortable until a while after I finished chemo. I read somewhere that the lining of the vagina is affected by chemo. So you might be in for a big disappointment if you were having sex at this time.
If you keep showing affection to your husband, he may see that you are still the girl he married.0 -
It's not you!LaundryQueen said:Maybe your husband is grieving?
Trish: I'm no therapist but I think that your husband's reaction to your illness is probably more common than you think. The ACS might have a support group for caregivers/partners of people who are dealing with a cancer diagnosis.
I was so sick for months that making love was on put on the back burner (so to speak). Having intercourse was really uncomfortable until a while after I finished chemo. I read somewhere that the lining of the vagina is affected by chemo. So you might be in for a big disappointment if you were having sex at this time.
If you keep showing affection to your husband, he may see that you are still the girl he married.
It's not you that he has backed away from it's the cancer. Thing is, until you experience something you can only imagine what it is like... I can only imagine what it is like to get the cancer diagnosis and my mum can only imagine what it is like to be told that your mum has cancer, I struggle to know how to be with my mum and I imagine your husband feels the same, just go up to him and give him a gentle hug, tell him you love him and that you are still you, try to make him understand that you must both talk about your feelings otherwise it is all guess work and you end up feeling frustrated and angry.
I hope you can work things out.... Lots of loveX0 -
good question!
I don't think your situation is that that unusual, but I know how painful it must be to need comfort more now than you did before. I've found that many of the women on this site have very different experiences with family members when they are diagnosed. Some lucky ones husbands/families rally around and give them wonderful loving support and some husbands/families get scared and distant. You're both very new to this process and it's downright scary and life altering. Is it possible for you to find a support group? My ONC/GYN's office has a monthly group meeting for anyone to attend that is free or you could call the Amer. Cancer Society in your area and ask for suggestions for groups meeting in your area. I will give you a heads up that most of the group will probably be breast cancer survivors... but living with a cancer diagnosis is very much the same for all of us. Please let us know how it is going.....
(((HUGS))) Maria0 -
your husband does want you!!!!Mwee said:good question!
I don't think your situation is that that unusual, but I know how painful it must be to need comfort more now than you did before. I've found that many of the women on this site have very different experiences with family members when they are diagnosed. Some lucky ones husbands/families rally around and give them wonderful loving support and some husbands/families get scared and distant. You're both very new to this process and it's downright scary and life altering. Is it possible for you to find a support group? My ONC/GYN's office has a monthly group meeting for anyone to attend that is free or you could call the Amer. Cancer Society in your area and ask for suggestions for groups meeting in your area. I will give you a heads up that most of the group will probably be breast cancer survivors... but living with a cancer diagnosis is very much the same for all of us. Please let us know how it is going.....
(((HUGS))) Maria
He is probably a little afraid of hurting you. Cuddle and hold hands and tell eachother how much you love each other. Sex will come but slowly. There is no rush...val0 -
I think the whole family is affectedpoopergirl14052 said:your husband does want you!!!!
He is probably a little afraid of hurting you. Cuddle and hold hands and tell eachother how much you love each other. Sex will come but slowly. There is no rush...val
I think when we were diagnosed it affects the whole family. Give him some time, I am sure he will come around. I think the men do not know how to show feelings at times and having you sick probably stresses him out also. Give it a little time and things will probably work out and be good again.
I will pray0 -
My husband was also afraidazgrandma said:I think the whole family is affected
I think when we were diagnosed it affects the whole family. Give him some time, I am sure he will come around. I think the men do not know how to show feelings at times and having you sick probably stresses him out also. Give it a little time and things will probably work out and be good again.
I will pray
My husband was also afraid of hurting me. I told him not to worry, if it hurts, I will let you know.
Lusting after a sick woman makes a man feel like he's a disgusting pig. You have to reassure him that you might be sick, but you aren't dead.
Cancer is such a powerful word. Anyone with cancer must be very, very ill. That's the general perception. It's not you (or you, Tina). It's not your body or your bald head. Hell, wear your wig to bed, if it makes you feel less sickly.0 -
Tina , you are gaaaaaaaawjusTina Brown said:Yes me too
My husband and I have a sister brother relationship. I have virtually no libido or sex drive because I feel ugly , fat and bald. I don't think my husband finds me desirable because I am ugly fat & bald so we have stale mate situation.
I believe my husband looks at porn too and when I ask him about our "non-existant" sex life he says "I don't mind because you are ill"
I still have needs (and would really like to make love) but do not feel at all sexy or desirable whilst I am fat ugly and bald. It does upset me a great deal but I keep it mostly to myself until now.
How can I get in the mood if I know my husband is not turned on by me???????????
Please let me know if you have found a way around this?
Tina xx
Tina , you are gaaaaaaaawjus , this picture is beautiful, you look amazing, don't be down on yourself you look fab xxxxx0 -
I am not a therapist either
I am not a therapist either but, I agree with Hitzy_Fitz. I definitley think that when people hear the word cancer it scares them. And when a peroson has cancer, like yourself, people that are close to you are mentally affected as well, like your husband. He may be scared of the unkown. I know that is what my fiancee and I are both scared of. General concerns are if the cancer will go away and if it does will it stay away. You just don't know. I don't know if you are finished with treatment yet, but the unkown of knowing if you are gonna be okay is scary and he may just be trying to block that out by not getting close and just "getting thru this period." I am sure he loves you, but just like you I am sure he is scared too. Maybe just getting him alone and talking to him about how you both feel towards everything will help. I hope it does. Stay strong and keep fighting. I also have stage 3c and am 31 so I feel you on this one.0 -
Oceanview - I recognise your storyunknown said:This comment has been removed by the Moderator
Dear Oceanview
Your post could've been written by myself. I had tears in my eyes reading it as it is exactly the same story as mine. I too have a lovelygentle father (who lost his wife, my mother 2 1/2 years ago to cancer) and he suffers so much when I am ill.I have 2 grown up children who are also hurting and because they are grown up people seem to think they are OK .......... but they're not really.
I have lost my sexual desire for my husband because of the way he has shunned me and has ignored my need and desire for love, affection and sex. I want to experience the passion of making love again (not just sex) but I guess all of that is low down on my list of priorities at the moment.
So I have pushed all of that to the back burner and am concentrating on other things in my life that are good.
Take care love Tina xxx0 -
This comment has been removed by the ModeratorTina Brown said:Oceanview - I recognise your story
Dear Oceanview
Your post could've been written by myself. I had tears in my eyes reading it as it is exactly the same story as mine. I too have a lovelygentle father (who lost his wife, my mother 2 1/2 years ago to cancer) and he suffers so much when I am ill.I have 2 grown up children who are also hurting and because they are grown up people seem to think they are OK .......... but they're not really.
I have lost my sexual desire for my husband because of the way he has shunned me and has ignored my need and desire for love, affection and sex. I want to experience the passion of making love again (not just sex) but I guess all of that is low down on my list of priorities at the moment.
So I have pushed all of that to the back burner and am concentrating on other things in my life that are good.
Take care love Tina xxx0 -
For Robinunknown said:This comment has been removed by the Moderator
Dear sweet Robin
Thank-you so much for replying to my message. We seem like 2 souls together. I noticed you are a professor? Do you teach in a University? I am a college lecturer.
Me and my husband have reached a kind of easy living, he cares for me a great deal and is very kind and looks after my physical needs. I sometimes get breakfast in bed. We are really good friends and I think there is lots of different kinds of love that people share together. I guess it is very hard for our husbands to deal with this as they are on the outside looking in and get frightened from time to time. Us who are living day in day out with cancer kinda adapt to our new way of life as we are busy adjusting to our new normal.
I so value love now. Since my diagnosis I have come to feel love much more strongly than I did before. Money and possessions no longer interest me. I am blessed with true friends (who showed their worth when I was first diagnosed) who know just what I need and how to make me feel good. I am happy at the moment as my son and girlfriend are expecting my first grandchild in September and is giving me something wonderful to focus on.
My Dad is my strength and I love him so much. He will be 80 in December and I spend as much time with him as I can.
All of the above are beginning to fill a void that has been left by the loss of a man who I feel in love with 3 years ago. This is a very long story but our relationship ended a year before my diagnosis and I have never felt such pain and am still struggling to get over his loss. Having cancer is like a breeze compared to losing him. I think when you get to 48 and you finally get to meet your soul mate it is like a dream come true. So when it all ends so do all of your dreams and hopes and there seems no point in anything.
So love is all that matters. I'm going to read your story now, take care and we can speak soon.
Love Tina xx0 -
SEX????
Well, since my initial DX in 2000, and recurrance in 2006, it has been minimal to say the least. Not for lack of trying, or initiation on the part of my wonderful husband. I am so blessed, and his patience is unstoppable. After 36 years he still calls me his 'bride'. Just repeating that brings tears to my eyes.
I've seen all the postings on this subject, and I can understand all points of view. I think I would be so crushed if my hubby resorted to other 'forms of excitement' instead of me. I am so sorry to hear that you're in this predicament. Tina is right, though that love truly is the bottom (and top) line. Although this may be your husband's way of coping, there's really no excuse to disrespect you like this (just my opinion). The hugs, the kisses, the touching is so vitally important - even random, not connected to 'sex'. We all need that companionship and have the need to feel loved. Wish I could shake your hubby by the shoulders and tell him to stop being so selfish (hope I didn't hurt your feelings).
Okay, so I'll be blunt. Here's the reason for my limitations: COMPLETE VAGINAL ATROPHY, COMPLETE VAGINAL DRYNESS, YADDA, YADDA, YADDA. Tried everything. Can't use anything with estrogen, so the Premarin cream is out. Tried all the fancy oils and lubricants. Some burn because I'm so dry. The ones that help a tiny bit only work on the surface - that's it.
Sorry I couldn't help, Trishell. Maybe if you and your hubby took a little getaway. Even an overnighter, so that you could reconnect - no phones, no children, just you and him together, looking eachother in the eyes when you talk, you telling him your concerns, trying to get back to what made you two fall in love in the first place. Even if it doesn't lead to sex, maybe you can just hold eachother, walk hand-in-hand.
I wish you the best, Sweetie. Please keep us up-to-date. We care.
Sending love, hugs and Prayers!
Monika0 -
This comment has been removed by the ModeratorTina Brown said:For Robin
Dear sweet Robin
Thank-you so much for replying to my message. We seem like 2 souls together. I noticed you are a professor? Do you teach in a University? I am a college lecturer.
Me and my husband have reached a kind of easy living, he cares for me a great deal and is very kind and looks after my physical needs. I sometimes get breakfast in bed. We are really good friends and I think there is lots of different kinds of love that people share together. I guess it is very hard for our husbands to deal with this as they are on the outside looking in and get frightened from time to time. Us who are living day in day out with cancer kinda adapt to our new way of life as we are busy adjusting to our new normal.
I so value love now. Since my diagnosis I have come to feel love much more strongly than I did before. Money and possessions no longer interest me. I am blessed with true friends (who showed their worth when I was first diagnosed) who know just what I need and how to make me feel good. I am happy at the moment as my son and girlfriend are expecting my first grandchild in September and is giving me something wonderful to focus on.
My Dad is my strength and I love him so much. He will be 80 in December and I spend as much time with him as I can.
All of the above are beginning to fill a void that has been left by the loss of a man who I feel in love with 3 years ago. This is a very long story but our relationship ended a year before my diagnosis and I have never felt such pain and am still struggling to get over his loss. Having cancer is like a breeze compared to losing him. I think when you get to 48 and you finally get to meet your soul mate it is like a dream come true. So when it all ends so do all of your dreams and hopes and there seems no point in anything.
So love is all that matters. I'm going to read your story now, take care and we can speak soon.
Love Tina xx0 -
Robin and Monikamopar said:SEX????
Well, since my initial DX in 2000, and recurrance in 2006, it has been minimal to say the least. Not for lack of trying, or initiation on the part of my wonderful husband. I am so blessed, and his patience is unstoppable. After 36 years he still calls me his 'bride'. Just repeating that brings tears to my eyes.
I've seen all the postings on this subject, and I can understand all points of view. I think I would be so crushed if my hubby resorted to other 'forms of excitement' instead of me. I am so sorry to hear that you're in this predicament. Tina is right, though that love truly is the bottom (and top) line. Although this may be your husband's way of coping, there's really no excuse to disrespect you like this (just my opinion). The hugs, the kisses, the touching is so vitally important - even random, not connected to 'sex'. We all need that companionship and have the need to feel loved. Wish I could shake your hubby by the shoulders and tell him to stop being so selfish (hope I didn't hurt your feelings).
Okay, so I'll be blunt. Here's the reason for my limitations: COMPLETE VAGINAL ATROPHY, COMPLETE VAGINAL DRYNESS, YADDA, YADDA, YADDA. Tried everything. Can't use anything with estrogen, so the Premarin cream is out. Tried all the fancy oils and lubricants. Some burn because I'm so dry. The ones that help a tiny bit only work on the surface - that's it.
Sorry I couldn't help, Trishell. Maybe if you and your hubby took a little getaway. Even an overnighter, so that you could reconnect - no phones, no children, just you and him together, looking eachother in the eyes when you talk, you telling him your concerns, trying to get back to what made you two fall in love in the first place. Even if it doesn't lead to sex, maybe you can just hold eachother, walk hand-in-hand.
I wish you the best, Sweetie. Please keep us up-to-date. We care.
Sending love, hugs and Prayers!
Monika
Thank you for your messages. I have so enjoyed reading these posts. It is wonderful to know you ladies are out there and are experiencing similar things to me.
The intimacy that 2 people who are love share is truely magical and anyone priviledged to be in that position is so lucky. Never take it for granted and always show each other how much you love them.
Monika, I get the burn & never realised it was the absense of oestrogen. I too have tried all sorts of creams in the past but don't seem to make any difference. I have begun to wonder if it is because I was not aroused? Sex with my husband used to me quiet rushed and he NEVER tried foreplay.
Anyway, I am beginning to consider to look into ways to "please myself" if you know what I mean (Oooh a little embarassed now) but I am sure I will get better results.
Take care everyone, Tina xx0 -
IRONYTina Brown said:Robin and Monika
Thank you for your messages. I have so enjoyed reading these posts. It is wonderful to know you ladies are out there and are experiencing similar things to me.
The intimacy that 2 people who are love share is truely magical and anyone priviledged to be in that position is so lucky. Never take it for granted and always show each other how much you love them.
Monika, I get the burn & never realised it was the absense of oestrogen. I too have tried all sorts of creams in the past but don't seem to make any difference. I have begun to wonder if it is because I was not aroused? Sex with my husband used to me quiet rushed and he NEVER tried foreplay.
Anyway, I am beginning to consider to look into ways to "please myself" if you know what I mean (Oooh a little embarassed now) but I am sure I will get better results.
Take care everyone, Tina xx
It is so ironic - once I knew I needed a complete hysterctomy and that I had OVCA, there ws a moment when I joked with my husband - 'think of the fun we'll have knowing we don't need to use any birth control anymore!' I fantasized about 'wild abandon' and that these would be the 'golden years' of our lives. No one told me about all the other side affects of menopause. Some days it even hurts to wear jeans. Now I have to also admit that maybe part of the problem (for me) is that my libido is sooooooo looooooow. It's not that I don't love my hubby, but I'm also in a constant state of working, moving, doing, as our daugther has severe rhematoid arthritis and fibromyagia, my husband is on disability, I work two jobs. . .
Oh well, I guess I threw some more things into the mix. Anyway, my hugs to all of you - for relationships, for healing, for joy. Wish I could personally give you all a big hug!
Monika0 -
IRONYTina Brown said:Robin and Monika
Thank you for your messages. I have so enjoyed reading these posts. It is wonderful to know you ladies are out there and are experiencing similar things to me.
The intimacy that 2 people who are love share is truely magical and anyone priviledged to be in that position is so lucky. Never take it for granted and always show each other how much you love them.
Monika, I get the burn & never realised it was the absense of oestrogen. I too have tried all sorts of creams in the past but don't seem to make any difference. I have begun to wonder if it is because I was not aroused? Sex with my husband used to me quiet rushed and he NEVER tried foreplay.
Anyway, I am beginning to consider to look into ways to "please myself" if you know what I mean (Oooh a little embarassed now) but I am sure I will get better results.
Take care everyone, Tina xx
It is so ironic - once I knew I needed a complete hysterctomy and that I had OVCA, there ws a moment when I joked with my husband - 'think of the fun we'll have knowing we don't need to use any birth control anymore!' I fantasized about 'wild abandon' and that these would be the 'golden years' of our lives. No one told me about all the other side affects of menopause. Some days it even hurts to wear jeans. Now I have to also admit that maybe part of the problem (for me) is that my libido is sooooooo looooooow. It's not that I don't love my hubby, but I'm also in a constant state of working, moving, doing, as our daugther has severe rhematoid arthritis and fibromyagia, my husband is on disability, I work two jobs. . .
Oh well, I guess I threw some more things into the mix. Anyway, my hugs to all of you - for relationships, for healing, for joy. Wish I could personally give you all a big hug!
Monika0
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