Feeling Cranky.

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I feel the most moody and cranky I have felt in a long long time. Wednesday the 13th is the anniversay of learning of Mark's cancer. Could this be making me feel this way??
Kim
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  • Hondo
    Hondo Member Posts: 6,636 Member
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    Hi Kim

    Anything is possible, Mark went through Cancer treatment but you went through it too, he was on one side and you were on the other.

    All the best to you both
    Hondo
  • sweetblood22
    sweetblood22 Member Posts: 3,228
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    Hondo said:

    Hi Kim

    Anything is possible, Mark went through Cancer treatment but you went through it too, he was on one side and you were on the other.

    All the best to you both
    Hondo

    Cranky
    Kim, must be something going around because I've been feeling like a right b$tch lately. Seriously. I'm so cranky and out of sorts. Yesterday, I didn't even want to talk to anyone or even look at them.

    (Not-so)-sweets
  • Kimba1505
    Kimba1505 Member Posts: 557
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    Cranky
    Kim, must be something going around because I've been feeling like a right b$tch lately. Seriously. I'm so cranky and out of sorts. Yesterday, I didn't even want to talk to anyone or even look at them.

    (Not-so)-sweets

    That's weird...
    ...Sweet (not so lately). This is not typical of me, especially with Spring time emerging. I feel like people need to just stay out of my way. I had thought initially that April 13th would be a day of celebration (Mark coming this far since diagnosis). But it was such a horrible day. I remember turning as white as a ghost and almost passing out. Mark was more composed than me. And then we did not know what to do. I went back to work (sat in my chair in shock), and he went to tell his children. We had, at that point, no idea what was to come. It was a terrible time.
    What's knocking around inside your head? Anything you can put your hands on?? Appointments coming up?
    I will be in Trout Run this coming weekend. :)
    Kim
  • luv4lacrosse
    luv4lacrosse Member Posts: 1,410 Member
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    DATES MEAN SOMETHING
    I think with what we have all been through, and I don't just mean cancer patients, but care givers too, there will always be certian dates that will forever be branded into out thought process.

    I can rattle off the date I first found my lump to the first MD visit to the first and second biopsies ETC. One day life is good with no issues, and the next day your life comes to a screatching halt.

    The yearly anniverseries are a big one as the doc's always refer to an "x" amount of years and you possibly cured. I have my six month coming up in may and am already thinking about it.

    Kim, you have been through more in a year that most people will endure in a lifetime, so I think you are entitled to feel kranky whenever you want.

    Stay strong

    Best!!

    Mike
  • ratface
    ratface Member Posts: 1,337 Member
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    DATES MEAN SOMETHING
    I think with what we have all been through, and I don't just mean cancer patients, but care givers too, there will always be certian dates that will forever be branded into out thought process.

    I can rattle off the date I first found my lump to the first MD visit to the first and second biopsies ETC. One day life is good with no issues, and the next day your life comes to a screatching halt.

    The yearly anniverseries are a big one as the doc's always refer to an "x" amount of years and you possibly cured. I have my six month coming up in may and am already thinking about it.

    Kim, you have been through more in a year that most people will endure in a lifetime, so I think you are entitled to feel kranky whenever you want.

    Stay strong

    Best!!

    Mike

    wow the 13th to boot'
    What you described was your life as you knew it crumbling around you. From your other posts things seem to be going well and now you might be thinking that other shoe is still out there? You probably now hone in on every cancer commercial on TV, radio, and internet. It's become a part of you and you know from comming here that the stakes are high.

    The one year milestone can be particularly stressful because it involves the transition from being catered to by entourages of doctors to learning how to be a cancer survivor. I suspect as the caregiver you may be experiencing some anxiety over the issue that caring for Mark has fallen exclusively to you. In reality it hasn't as the doctors are only a phone call away and Mark will have routine periodic check-ups and you will have the forumn.

    Or it may just be that voodoo does exist around the 13th? My money is on you Kimba!
  • D Lewis
    D Lewis Member Posts: 1,581 Member
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    Absolutely yes.
    A year ago, I was right in the middle of treatment. Recently I've had sudden unexplained depressions, bad moods, crying sessions, and even mild panic attacks. I look back on last year's calendar, and it always seems to coincide with one of my really difficult days... the first diagnosis, a surgery, a chemo day, etc. ick ick ick. Once I've figured out what is triggering it, the feeling typically subsides.

    Deb
  • MarineE5
    MarineE5 Member Posts: 1,031 Member
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    PTSD
    Kim,

    I agree with all the others. This is another anniversary, but one that we all would rather forget. I put in as my subject PTSD. Each of us will always remember the dates we found out we had cancer, the date we started and ended treatments. The patients and caregivers were part of, or witnessed the discomfort and pain of this whole journey.

    Yes, you are on edge, nervous, and kranky. We all know the outcome if things don't fall in our favor. The appointments do weigh on our minds, there is always that " What if " that lingers. Time does heal us and as time passes, the feeling you have today and the next couple of days should be less in the future. Yes, I remember my dates, but I am Thankful for each day and I remember those that have not made it. For them, myself and family, I try to be a better person then I was yesterday.

    PTSD haunts people in many ways, be it this cancer beast, or a terrible car accident, and those that have been in battle. Yes, it is the anniversary that stirs these feelings, we all have to deal with those feelings, we can be happy or sad. Try to Celebrate LIFE. Each day is a Gift.

    You and Mark are strong as are those that are here.

    My Best to Both of You and Everyone Here
  • Skiffin16
    Skiffin16 Member Posts: 8,305 Member
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    Grump Bucket
    Hi Kim...you still being a grump bucket....

    Must be the depression setting in from being back to the grind after being in Florida for a few days...

    Best,
    John
  • Pumakitty
    Pumakitty Member Posts: 652
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    I understand
    Kim,

    I agree with Sweet there must be something going around. I have been feeling the same for the last 2 months. Sometimes I am really happy and other times I snap at everything and then feel really lousy for doing that. I complain about every thing that I have to do, even if it something that only takes 2 minutes. Maybe it is the exhustion from the last year catching up to us.

    Kathy
  • sweetblood22
    sweetblood22 Member Posts: 3,228
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    Pumakitty said:

    I understand
    Kim,

    I agree with Sweet there must be something going around. I have been feeling the same for the last 2 months. Sometimes I am really happy and other times I snap at everything and then feel really lousy for doing that. I complain about every thing that I have to do, even if it something that only takes 2 minutes. Maybe it is the exhustion from the last year catching up to us.

    Kathy

    Cranky
    For me I think it's a combo of things.

    1. Being cooped up all winter with my gram in a tiny space. I cannot wait fir nice weather.

    2. Second year anniversary of rads next month and remembering how crappy I felt. Scared that I won't stay clean.

    3. Fanconi Anemia contemporaries passing away from HNC recently.

    4. Did I mention being cooped up all winter with my gram driving me nuts??

    5. And frankly, I'm kinda lonely.

    My father goes fishing and plays pool in Trout Run often. It's about 40 miles from me. Past williamsport.

    I'm thinking when it is nice out, I'll be getting out more and feel better.
  • Skiffin16
    Skiffin16 Member Posts: 8,305 Member
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    Cranky
    For me I think it's a combo of things.

    1. Being cooped up all winter with my gram in a tiny space. I cannot wait fir nice weather.

    2. Second year anniversary of rads next month and remembering how crappy I felt. Scared that I won't stay clean.

    3. Fanconi Anemia contemporaries passing away from HNC recently.

    4. Did I mention being cooped up all winter with my gram driving me nuts??

    5. And frankly, I'm kinda lonely.

    My father goes fishing and plays pool in Trout Run often. It's about 40 miles from me. Past williamsport.

    I'm thinking when it is nice out, I'll be getting out more and feel better.

    Fishing Father
    I knew there was something else I liked about you...., LOL.

    Oh, I see a "fir" in that post, definitely a sign that you are using your iPhone for posting...ummm, I mean fir posting.

    JG
  • sweetblood22
    sweetblood22 Member Posts: 3,228
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    Skiffin16 said:

    Fishing Father
    I knew there was something else I liked about you...., LOL.

    Oh, I see a "fir" in that post, definitely a sign that you are using your iPhone for posting...ummm, I mean fir posting.

    JG

    Yeah, when I talked to you
    Yeah, when I talked to you this afternoon, I was up at my parents trying to sync my phone and download stuff. My computer is still being stupid. I came back down. Had enough today with it taking 3 hrs to sync my phone.

    As far as fishing goes, I do know how to fish. Up until I was about 15-16 I fished about every weekend. My father dragged me. I can even fly fish. We did mostly fresh water. But my step grandfather had about a 35 foot cabin cruiser we would go out in Zach's Bay, been out shark fishing too.
  • Pumakitty
    Pumakitty Member Posts: 652
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    Yeah, when I talked to you
    Yeah, when I talked to you this afternoon, I was up at my parents trying to sync my phone and download stuff. My computer is still being stupid. I came back down. Had enough today with it taking 3 hrs to sync my phone.

    As far as fishing goes, I do know how to fish. Up until I was about 15-16 I fished about every weekend. My father dragged me. I can even fly fish. We did mostly fresh water. But my step grandfather had about a 35 foot cabin cruiser we would go out in Zach's Bay, been out shark fishing too.

    Hey Sweet
    I really think we are a lot a like. I used to go finishing when I was younger. Where I grew up there were several ponds and lakes. I had a hot pink fishing pole and of course matching hat and shoes.

    Kathy
  • Kimba1505
    Kimba1505 Member Posts: 557
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    Yeah, when I talked to you
    Yeah, when I talked to you this afternoon, I was up at my parents trying to sync my phone and download stuff. My computer is still being stupid. I came back down. Had enough today with it taking 3 hrs to sync my phone.

    As far as fishing goes, I do know how to fish. Up until I was about 15-16 I fished about every weekend. My father dragged me. I can even fly fish. We did mostly fresh water. But my step grandfather had about a 35 foot cabin cruiser we would go out in Zach's Bay, been out shark fishing too.

    Tried and True.
    I struggle with these new feelings (anniversary feelings are new in that tomorrow we hit the 1 year mark of diagnosis) and all of you help me understand them. It wasn't the greatest day, cranky-wise, but it was better getting the understanding and validation from all of you. Deb, I think you said it, when you don't know what it is at first, but then you put some understanding to it, and it helps. It definitely has some PTSD kind of elements. I drive past the hospital where Mark was diagnosed (not treated) every day on my way to and from work. I drive right past where I parked, and where I sat in my car afterwards and just did not know what to do. Some days I drive by with not a glance, other days, a wave of memory and emotion comes over me and I am instantly sad and my mood has changed. I think Ratface said it when at diagnosis our lives have changed forever. That ignorance of what really lurks is gone...and yes, there is the awareness that the shoe that could drop is out there. There are those weeks, sometimes months of reprieve, but then a date that reminds you, or a test that creates that anxiety...it goes on.
    John, there may be some withdrawl from Miami...it was wonderful. I do know that when I read all of your posts I felt tearful and comforted at the same time. Thank you, not everybody gets this, only here can people really understand.
    Thank you again,
    Kim
  • KTeacher
    KTeacher Member Posts: 1,103
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    Kimba1505 said:

    Tried and True.
    I struggle with these new feelings (anniversary feelings are new in that tomorrow we hit the 1 year mark of diagnosis) and all of you help me understand them. It wasn't the greatest day, cranky-wise, but it was better getting the understanding and validation from all of you. Deb, I think you said it, when you don't know what it is at first, but then you put some understanding to it, and it helps. It definitely has some PTSD kind of elements. I drive past the hospital where Mark was diagnosed (not treated) every day on my way to and from work. I drive right past where I parked, and where I sat in my car afterwards and just did not know what to do. Some days I drive by with not a glance, other days, a wave of memory and emotion comes over me and I am instantly sad and my mood has changed. I think Ratface said it when at diagnosis our lives have changed forever. That ignorance of what really lurks is gone...and yes, there is the awareness that the shoe that could drop is out there. There are those weeks, sometimes months of reprieve, but then a date that reminds you, or a test that creates that anxiety...it goes on.
    John, there may be some withdrawl from Miami...it was wonderful. I do know that when I read all of your posts I felt tearful and comforted at the same time. Thank you, not everybody gets this, only here can people really understand.
    Thank you again,
    Kim

    Have this pricture blown up
    Have this pricture blown up and put it by your work space or where ever you are most of the day. You looked like you had a great vacation (did you have on sunblock?).
    I think that after all that you went through as a caregiver and now living the new normal, you must be in shock at some times. My husband took great care of me and then his mom and now he has started to get sick (spring allergies and then sinus infection and now pink eye). Stop and smell the roses, you need to take some time to reflect, pray (I would think about another route to work also).
  • Skiffin16
    Skiffin16 Member Posts: 8,305 Member
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    Yeah, when I talked to you
    Yeah, when I talked to you this afternoon, I was up at my parents trying to sync my phone and download stuff. My computer is still being stupid. I came back down. Had enough today with it taking 3 hrs to sync my phone.

    As far as fishing goes, I do know how to fish. Up until I was about 15-16 I fished about every weekend. My father dragged me. I can even fly fish. We did mostly fresh water. But my step grandfather had about a 35 foot cabin cruiser we would go out in Zach's Bay, been out shark fishing too.

    Anti-Virus - Sweetblood...
    Dawn, on one of my laptops I had to disable the anti-virus when syncing... It would take hours like yours...lose itself, have to reset the phone back to factory then re-sync from the last back-up...real PITA for sure...

    JG
  • sweetblood22
    sweetblood22 Member Posts: 3,228
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    Skiffin16 said:

    Anti-Virus - Sweetblood...
    Dawn, on one of my laptops I had to disable the anti-virus when syncing... It would take hours like yours...lose itself, have to reset the phone back to factory then re-sync from the last back-up...real PITA for sure...

    JG

    John
    Eegads. Trying to sync that gave me such a head ache. I was also trying to get some of my photos and music off my phone. Too much memory taken up. It didn't work. I had to delete some apps. I need to gear up patience to try again. Thank you for the suggestion. Need to figure out why the lap top alpha keys are typing numbers instead of what they should be. It's out of warranty, of course. Grrrrr
  • MeggieTye
    MeggieTye Member Posts: 3
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    Kimba1505 said:

    Tried and True.
    I struggle with these new feelings (anniversary feelings are new in that tomorrow we hit the 1 year mark of diagnosis) and all of you help me understand them. It wasn't the greatest day, cranky-wise, but it was better getting the understanding and validation from all of you. Deb, I think you said it, when you don't know what it is at first, but then you put some understanding to it, and it helps. It definitely has some PTSD kind of elements. I drive past the hospital where Mark was diagnosed (not treated) every day on my way to and from work. I drive right past where I parked, and where I sat in my car afterwards and just did not know what to do. Some days I drive by with not a glance, other days, a wave of memory and emotion comes over me and I am instantly sad and my mood has changed. I think Ratface said it when at diagnosis our lives have changed forever. That ignorance of what really lurks is gone...and yes, there is the awareness that the shoe that could drop is out there. There are those weeks, sometimes months of reprieve, but then a date that reminds you, or a test that creates that anxiety...it goes on.
    John, there may be some withdrawl from Miami...it was wonderful. I do know that when I read all of your posts I felt tearful and comforted at the same time. Thank you, not everybody gets this, only here can people really understand.
    Thank you again,
    Kim

    I understand
    Hi Kimba my name is Nancy and I am new to the site. I actually joined after my second surgery in Sept but it has taken me 6 mths to get sorted enough to come back in. I have oral tongue cancer, they removed 1/3 of the front of my tongue in August then in September, did a right neck dissection..no chemo or radiation works for my squamous cell cancer but we are all very hopeful - I am doing really well!!

    You know Kim for what you have endured, and it is a sprint and marathon in one, what you are experiencing is totally normal. You are normal. So many new experiences in the first year and none of them are pleasant. Grief is a funny thing and it comes in waves and most often when we Least expect it, and it is miserable no matter when it washes up on our shores. Memories such a a parking spot can unleash a torrential downpour of upset as you well know.

    My anniversary doesn't come up until July altho we knew I was in trouble well before that...and just driving past the ice cream parlor for me is haunting!! My mouth was so sore all I ate was yogurt and mint chocolate chip ice cream ( I picked out the chips! ). My trigger last week was the snow leaving and driving on dry ground past the ice cream shop..I had this really quiet freak out in the car. We have retired to a small fishing town/artist colony which we love but somehow I have to manage that primary road for the rest of my life.

    Oh goodness I am going on and on and this is supposed to be about you, not me!! It is lovely to meet you Kim..hang in there girl.

    Cheers,

    Nancy
  • Skiffin16
    Skiffin16 Member Posts: 8,305 Member
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    John
    Eegads. Trying to sync that gave me such a head ache. I was also trying to get some of my photos and music off my phone. Too much memory taken up. It didn't work. I had to delete some apps. I need to gear up patience to try again. Thank you for the suggestion. Need to figure out why the lap top alpha keys are typing numbers instead of what they should be. It's out of warranty, of course. Grrrrr

    Search Google
    Sounds like you might have accidently locked it in the numlock position which is a function key toggle (plus another key) to turn it back right...

    Search keyboard numbers displaying instead of letters and your laptop model, or something similar...

    JG
  • robinleigh
    robinleigh Member Posts: 297
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    I'm fairly new to this world
    I'm fairly new to this world but, sometimes I think about how the caregiver has to stay so strong throughout all of the treatment...be positive, organized, selfless...for their husband. Then, when it's "over", maybe it's your turn to let your emotions flow...be cranky or whatever. Who knows what emotions we have stuffed down so that we could keep the patient moving forward. It's bound to emerge at some point, I would think. And, surely you deserve to let yourself feel whatever comes about. And, I have no doubt that you will return to feeling grateful and joyful because you have been one of the most encouraging couples on this site. I thank you! Robinleigh