What do I say when my daughter cries

Angelasmom2

What do I say when my daughter cries, says this is too much for her and her husband to bear and is scared to death that she will not be around for her three young children? I don't want to say the wrong things. Linda

poopergirl14052

Moms can never say the wrong thing
Linda, tell your daughter what is in your heart. Tell you would never let anything happen to her. Tell her to have faith in God and to never ever give up fighting this illness, Angela is too young and has a lot to fight for. Does she have a computer? I think if she logs on to this site we can also help her. It is so hard to hear your loved ones cry, I know you must feel helpless being so far way. This is very overwhelming to you and Angela. I hope there is a support group that can help also. God bless....val

LaundryQueen

Fear is the enemy
I don't know your daughter so it is hard to say what she wants to hear from you. Is she getting hysterical and having a panic attack or just weeping because she is scared?

Whenever I would be crying with my mom, she would tell me, "it's good to get those feeling out so you don't have to spend so much energy keeping them in" and "of course you're scared who wouldn't be? No one knows the future except God and you are in God's hands now." I don't know what Angela would think of that but it worked for me and then I always felt better after crying.

The way I see it, you have a strong relationship with your daughter and she doesn't have to pretend everything is OK around you. So you get to be the one who hears her cry--maybe that is how she can be strong for her children and her husband.

If she is getting hysterical or having a lot of anxiety, then that's really scary and hard to hear. I had a few panic attacks after my diagnosis and it helped to breathe into a paper bag and just breathe slower in general (breathe in and count to 8 and breathe out and count to 8). I took something called Rescue Remedy (from the health food store) that helped the panic attacks a lot. I had to put a few drops in a glass of water and sip on it every few minutes until I calmed down.

If your daughter's situation is really consuming your life, then you would benefit from seeing a professional counselor yourself. Then you could stay strong for her.

Angelasmom2

poopergirl14052 said:

Moms can never say the wrong thing
Linda, tell your daughter what is in your heart. Tell you would never let anything happen to her. Tell her to have faith in God and to never ever give up fighting this illness, Angela is too young and has a lot to fight for. Does she have a computer? I think if she logs on to this site we can also help her. It is so hard to hear your loved ones cry, I know you must feel helpless being so far way. This is very overwhelming to you and Angela. I hope there is a support group that can help also. God bless....val

support
Angela says she is not ready to go to a support group or on-line. I have encouraged her, but she is not ready. I wish she would though. She feels so alone and the only one going thru this.

Angelasmom2

LaundryQueen said:

Fear is the enemy
I don't know your daughter so it is hard to say what she wants to hear from you. Is she getting hysterical and having a panic attack or just weeping because she is scared?

Whenever I would be crying with my mom, she would tell me, "it's good to get those feeling out so you don't have to spend so much energy keeping them in" and "of course you're scared who wouldn't be? No one knows the future except God and you are in God's hands now." I don't know what Angela would think of that but it worked for me and then I always felt better after crying.

The way I see it, you have a strong relationship with your daughter and she doesn't have to pretend everything is OK around you. So you get to be the one who hears her cry--maybe that is how she can be strong for her children and her husband.

If she is getting hysterical or having a lot of anxiety, then that's really scary and hard to hear. I had a few panic attacks after my diagnosis and it helped to breathe into a paper bag and just breathe slower in general (breathe in and count to 8 and breathe out and count to 8). I took something called Rescue Remedy (from the health food store) that helped the panic attacks a lot. I had to put a few drops in a glass of water and sip on it every few minutes until I calmed down.

If your daughter's situation is really consuming your life, then you would benefit from seeing a professional counselor yourself. Then you could stay strong for her.

Fear
I have been strong and God has given me a peace. But this new situation has gotten me a little anxious. I pray alot and I am a very busy person. On week-ends I work with special needs adults. I have two foster sons. I have recently discovered that I have a talent for 'art and have illustrated a childrens book that is doing well and will be starting another book soon. I am preparing for two craft and art shows. I paint rocks and flowerpots. That helps to keep me sane. That and being busy with other people. Linda

kikz

LaundryQueen said:

Fear is the enemy
I don't know your daughter so it is hard to say what she wants to hear from you. Is she getting hysterical and having a panic attack or just weeping because she is scared?

Whenever I would be crying with my mom, she would tell me, "it's good to get those feeling out so you don't have to spend so much energy keeping them in" and "of course you're scared who wouldn't be? No one knows the future except God and you are in God's hands now." I don't know what Angela would think of that but it worked for me and then I always felt better after crying.

The way I see it, you have a strong relationship with your daughter and she doesn't have to pretend everything is OK around you. So you get to be the one who hears her cry--maybe that is how she can be strong for her children and her husband.

If she is getting hysterical or having a lot of anxiety, then that's really scary and hard to hear. I had a few panic attacks after my diagnosis and it helped to breathe into a paper bag and just breathe slower in general (breathe in and count to 8 and breathe out and count to 8). I took something called Rescue Remedy (from the health food store) that helped the panic attacks a lot. I had to put a few drops in a glass of water and sip on it every few minutes until I calmed down.

If your daughter's situation is really consuming your life, then you would benefit from seeing a professional counselor yourself. Then you could stay strong for her.

When your daughter cries
let her. My mom who is 86 is one of those people who don't like to show emotion. I on the other hand cry during commercials. All my life I was made to feel that crying is a sign of weakness. Well, as an adult I know that just isn't true. During my illness there were a lot of times that I did feel alone. It didn't matter if the house was full of people. Or sometimes I felt so sick, I didn't think I could take anymore. I knew I couldn't share these feelings with my mom. On the couple of occasions where she overheard me crying, she ended up in the ER with a panic attack. There were times when I just wanted to sob and have her just be there and let me. I can tell by your posts that you are there for your daughter no matter what. So let her cry and tell her she has every right to be scared, angry, anxious, whatever she is feeling. I agree with LaundryQueen, maybe you are the one she feels comfortable to share her feelings with. That is hard for you but it is a gift you can give her. Let her know that we are here when she wants to come on. I was so happy when I found this board. I knew the people here would understand me. We have all gone through or are going through what she is facing now. It's hard but once you get over the initial shock there is a strength that comes from somewhere that amazed me. Everyone was telling me how brave I was but I did not feel brave, I just wanted to fight this monster and did whatever I needed to do each day. We may not have control of the final outcome but we can control today.

Love and prayers to you, your daughter and her family.
Karen

Angelasmom2

kikz said:

When your daughter cries
let her. My mom who is 86 is one of those people who don't like to show emotion. I on the other hand cry during commercials. All my life I was made to feel that crying is a sign of weakness. Well, as an adult I know that just isn't true. During my illness there were a lot of times that I did feel alone. It didn't matter if the house was full of people. Or sometimes I felt so sick, I didn't think I could take anymore. I knew I couldn't share these feelings with my mom. On the couple of occasions where she overheard me crying, she ended up in the ER with a panic attack. There were times when I just wanted to sob and have her just be there and let me. I can tell by your posts that you are there for your daughter no matter what. So let her cry and tell her she has every right to be scared, angry, anxious, whatever she is feeling. I agree with LaundryQueen, maybe you are the one she feels comfortable to share her feelings with. That is hard for you but it is a gift you can give her. Let her know that we are here when she wants to come on. I was so happy when I found this board. I knew the people here would understand me. We have all gone through or are going through what she is facing now. It's hard but once you get over the initial shock there is a strength that comes from somewhere that amazed me. Everyone was telling me how brave I was but I did not feel brave, I just wanted to fight this monster and did whatever I needed to do each day. We may not have control of the final outcome but we can control today.

Love and prayers to you, your daughter and her family.
Karen

thanks
Thank-you for all the good advice. I know she needs to cry and I tell her it is ok. Sometimes, though, when she cries, i fear that she is giving in to the fear. I want her to beat the cancer.

nancy591

fears
Linda,
I live with the same fears she lives with. I too have young kids and know exactly how she is feeling. Since restarting chemo January 2010 I have been relatively active and normal. Most recently things aren't going so great and I am scared. I cry alot too. For me, there is nothing anyone can say to make things better. Sometimes I just need a hug. I used to see a therapist but I don't anymore. I know a therapist can't give me what I want. I want to know my kids will be ok. It helped ME to write them letters and make them videos. I understand some people can't do that but it did help me. Keep hoping for the best.

Double Whammy

nancy591 said:

fears
Linda,
I live with the same fears she lives with. I too have young kids and know exactly how she is feeling. Since restarting chemo January 2010 I have been relatively active and normal. Most recently things aren't going so great and I am scared. I cry alot too. For me, there is nothing anyone can say to make things better. Sometimes I just need a hug. I used to see a therapist but I don't anymore. I know a therapist can't give me what I want. I want to know my kids will be ok. It helped ME to write them letters and make them videos. I understand some people can't do that but it did help me. Keep hoping for the best.

Hello, Angelasmom
and hello to all the ovarian cancer survivors.

I was directed to this post via my "Buddy list". I didn't even know there was one! Anyway, I remember you, Angelasmom2, from the uterine cancer group because both you and your daughter's family lived in my hometown at one time, and she was receiving her care from the same gyn oncologist who I see.

Just wanted to chime in with best wishes and prayers for your daughter. I'm so sorry she is facing this and hope she will soon learn the results of her PET scan and have a plan of action in place. I thought of you and her just the other day and wondered how she was doing. I'm assuming because you posted here instead of the uterine cancer board, that her pathology determined her cancer as ovarian, not uterine? Again, I'm sending hugs, positive thoughts, and prayers to both you and her.

Suzanne

Angelasmom2

nancy591 said:

fears
Linda,
I live with the same fears she lives with. I too have young kids and know exactly how she is feeling. Since restarting chemo January 2010 I have been relatively active and normal. Most recently things aren't going so great and I am scared. I cry alot too. For me, there is nothing anyone can say to make things better. Sometimes I just need a hug. I used to see a therapist but I don't anymore. I know a therapist can't give me what I want. I want to know my kids will be ok. It helped ME to write them letters and make them videos. I understand some people can't do that but it did help me. Keep hoping for the best.

fears
yes I think of you alot and pray for you, Nancy. You and Angela have alot in common. Thank you for keeping in touch. Linda

Angelasmom2

Double Whammy said:

Hello, Angelasmom
and hello to all the ovarian cancer survivors.

I was directed to this post via my "Buddy list". I didn't even know there was one! Anyway, I remember you, Angelasmom2, from the uterine cancer group because both you and your daughter's family lived in my hometown at one time, and she was receiving her care from the same gyn oncologist who I see.

Just wanted to chime in with best wishes and prayers for your daughter. I'm so sorry she is facing this and hope she will soon learn the results of her PET scan and have a plan of action in place. I thought of you and her just the other day and wondered how she was doing. I'm assuming because you posted here instead of the uterine cancer board, that her pathology determined her cancer as ovarian, not uterine? Again, I'm sending hugs, positive thoughts, and prayers to both you and her.

Suzanne

Hello
Yes, I do remember you, Suzanne. Thank-you for reaching out. Things looked good after her last chemo in Dec. Her ca 125 was good and her CT scan was clear of cancer. Then recently Angela had some complications and she had a CT scan taken last week. Her CA 125 was even lower, but she has two lesions. I hope you are doing well. I will keep posting here, so please check in. I forgot what board I met you on, and I am glad you found me.I havaea thought of you too, because you have been fighting two cancers and because you are from the same town we lived in. My prayers go out to you. Yes, Angela was found to be ovarian cancear 3c. She has a gene mutaintion and has a 85% chance of getting breast cancer. She is having a double mastectomy when she is able. Angela's mother-in-law passed away with ovarian cancer this past August. They where on the same floor, when Angelas was in intensive care after her surgery, before chemo. Angela has known her since she was 14 yrs.old. Mary was her youth leader at church and they where very close. Linda

kayandok

There is no such thing
as saying the wrong thing or right thing when your daughter is crying from her pain. I have been there a few times in the last 3 1/2 years. It helped me to be able to say all that was on my heart. And, although I can't really explain it, it helped that I had someone to put there arms around me and pray with me.
My prayers are with you for wisdom in supporting your daughter and for healing and comfort for her today,
kathleen