still mourning a friend, Deb I miss you

meena1
meena1 Member Posts: 1,003
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
As some of you may know, i lost a friend from the boards, Deb1969 in October. Now, I cannot stop reading her pm's to me. I guess I am looking for some clue that she was so sick, but there is nothing. In her daughters post to me about her passing, she told be that it was quite sudden, that she just started to fill with fluid and within a couple days she was gone. I can't help crying each time i see her posts. Deb befriended me when i first joined, and she was so scared since her cancer had also spread to her liver, like me. She was waiting to start a clinical trial and she was so hopeful. I guess that when you meet someone here, and you suddenly lose then, it is hard to find closure. Sometimes, I will read her message again and again. I know that there are some here longer than me, and I wonder if you have ever had this sadness. Thank you all for listening, I hope i did not depress or worry anyone about their own mortality. Take care
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Comments

  • CypressCynthia
    CypressCynthia Member Posts: 4,014 Member
    #2
    My friend
    A couple of weekends ago, Danny and I attended a benefit for a young nurse (27 yrs) who just graduated from nursing school. She just learned that she has breast cancer that has spread to her bones, liver and ovaries. While we were at the benefit I wore my breast cancer pin.

    It is a special pin to me because I was friends with the lady who sold the pin. She had a quaint little silver shop on Magazine St. in New Orleans. She sold the pins with all of the proceeds going to Komen or ACS (your choice). The pin was a pink ribbon made of white gold, pink sapphires and diamonds. My friend used to jokingly say that if she had cancer, she wanted a pin that was "the real thing." She was so spirited and so active in volunteer work. And she died about 6 years ago.

    At the benefit the other night, I lost the pin. I was trying not to come unglued, but it brought back all of my sadness. I was crying on my way home. Wonder of wonders, right before I went to bed, a kind person phoned to say that they had found it and they returned it. Having the pin back brought back a little piece of her amazing spirit.

    The beast is relentless and heartless. You do not depress me at all Meena, but sometimes, especially when the beast takes one of our beloved warriors, the beast itself depresses me. I am so sorry for your loss. I know what my friend would say though--keep fighting, keep fighting, keep fighting. For as long and for as hard is reasonable.
  • sal314
    sal314 Member Posts: 599 Member
    #3
    I Can Sympathize with You
    Funny that you posted this and I read it today. I lost a friend from bc 2 years ago. She had given me an angel Christmas tree ornament the year before she passed and as I put it on the tree this morning I couldn't help but cry. I really miss her. We knew each other for about 8 years. During the whole time I knew her, she was going through treatment. She was such a fighter and never complained. She fought with such a silent strength.

    I'm not sure one ever has "closure". Not even sure I know what that means. I do believe that as time goes on, the pain gets a little less, but you always have a whole in your heart from the person who is missing in your life. I have hope, faith and believe that we will see each other again some day. And that's what I hold onto.

    Blessings,
    Sally
  • smalldoggroomer
    smalldoggroomer Member Posts: 1,184
    #4
    Dear Meena,
    I am so
    Dear Meena,
    I am so sorry to hear about your friends passing. Please except my deepest condolences. I have heard that everyone comes into you life for a reason. I am sure you both meant the world to each other. And both you lives were bless and enhanced by each other. She was a very lucky lady to have a friend like you. You mean the world to people that you don't even realize you do. Me included You are a true inspiration Meena, I mean that from my heart. Take the time to morn your friend she made a difference in this world and so do you. Take care Darlin Kay
  • roseann4
    roseann4 Member Posts: 992 Member
    #5
    smalldoggroomer said:

    Dear Meena,
    I am so
    Dear Meena,
    I am so sorry to hear about your friends passing. Please except my deepest condolences. I have heard that everyone comes into you life for a reason. I am sure you both meant the world to each other. And both you lives were bless and enhanced by each other. She was a very lucky lady to have a friend like you. You mean the world to people that you don't even realize you do. Me included You are a true inspiration Meena, I mean that from my heart. Take the time to morn your friend she made a difference in this world and so do you. Take care Darlin Kay

    I'm very sorry you are suffering.
    I have had 2 friends who passed away from breast cancer. One lived 14 years with stage 4 breast cancer and the other lived 10 years. They were diagnosed over 20 years ago. I don't know why some of us respond well to treatment and others don't. Why do some of us suddenly take a turn for the worse and others fair well for years and years. All I know is that I'm alive today and my beloved friends would celebrate that and they would kick my butt if I waisted even a minute of my precious life. Please try to celebrate each day. I know it is difficult but life is short for everyone and the best way to enhance your immune system is to laugh and be happy. If you can't get over this, you may need help so ask your doctor about medication to help you with depression. Many have us have used those medications as we go down this path. Hugs.

    Roseann
  • RE
    RE Member Posts: 4,591 Member
    #6
    :-(
    Oh meena sadly that happens on this site, as we all so clearly understand we do not all survive this vicious illness. I lost two dear friends from this site this year and I agree it is quite sad but I know that both of them would not want me or any other survivor to not live my life to the fullest fighting the ugly little monster within with all my might. You were fortunate to have this special friend treasure them and rejoice in the knowledge that you two shared something special and in doing so you helped each other in your journey.

    Hugs to you,

    RE
  • meena1
    meena1 Member Posts: 1,003
    #7
    RE said:

    :-(
    Oh meena sadly that happens on this site, as we all so clearly understand we do not all survive this vicious illness. I lost two dear friends from this site this year and I agree it is quite sad but I know that both of them would not want me or any other survivor to not live my life to the fullest fighting the ugly little monster within with all my might. You were fortunate to have this special friend treasure them and rejoice in the knowledge that you two shared something special and in doing so you helped each other in your journey.

    Hugs to you,

    RE

    Thank you all for your kind
    Thank you all for your kind words. I knew that if i threw this out there that you would help me understand what I was feeling. It just seems more painful when you hear that someone passed on from cancer because you know of the struggle they have gone through.
  • chenheart
    chenheart Member Posts: 5,159 Member
    #8
    When my sweet mama got sick~
    When my sweet mama got sick~ she had been on dialysis for over a year, and lived in a wonderful assisted living home ( a private home with only 5 ladies) she was of course taken to the hospital. Finding out she had to stay the night, her concern was "OMG...if I knew that, I would have brought my lipstick!" My beautiful and vain Mama! How I loved her and emulate her vanity to this day!
    She did not wake up the next morning. This was 12 years ago and I think of her still.
    What consoles me is this~she was not languishing on a death bed, she was not intubated or catheterized, or comatose. She was worried about how she looked! And she fell asleep not to wake upe again. Bad for me and my family, but not bad for my mom! If any of us has to lose our battle, this is the way to do it.
    Deb left you and those who loved her much the same way. Shocking and sudden and unfair, of course. But, if for reasons not explainable by me she wasn't going to survive the damnable beast, she left this life with peace, quiet and dignity.

    I know it doesn't take away your pain or sadness...but I am so happy my mama didn't suffer and had made plans! It has strangely comforted me for over a decade. I send you that same comfort now. XOXOXOXOX

    Hugs,
    Chen♥
  • carkris
    carkris Member Posts: 4,553 Member
    #9
    chenheart said:

    When my sweet mama got sick~
    When my sweet mama got sick~ she had been on dialysis for over a year, and lived in a wonderful assisted living home ( a private home with only 5 ladies) she was of course taken to the hospital. Finding out she had to stay the night, her concern was "OMG...if I knew that, I would have brought my lipstick!" My beautiful and vain Mama! How I loved her and emulate her vanity to this day!
    She did not wake up the next morning. This was 12 years ago and I think of her still.
    What consoles me is this~she was not languishing on a death bed, she was not intubated or catheterized, or comatose. She was worried about how she looked! And she fell asleep not to wake upe again. Bad for me and my family, but not bad for my mom! If any of us has to lose our battle, this is the way to do it.
    Deb left you and those who loved her much the same way. Shocking and sudden and unfair, of course. But, if for reasons not explainable by me she wasn't going to survive the damnable beast, she left this life with peace, quiet and dignity.

    I know it doesn't take away your pain or sadness...but I am so happy my mama didn't suffer and had made plans! It has strangely comforted me for over a decade. I send you that same comfort now. XOXOXOXOX

    Hugs,
    Chen♥

    Meena
    I am so sorry you are going through this.
    My best friend from college who was wild and crazy and in my eyes quite magical died from sarcoma about three years ago. It was an innocent lump on her leg that was rapidly growing and metastazied very quickly. she tolerated the harsh chemo only to die of an MRSA infection. I was devastated, in a way that affected me for a long time. I could not accept it, felt like there must have been something I could have done, and felt survivors guilt. I really think i became unglued in a way I had never done before or since. It was such a loss and too harsh a reminder.
    I was talking to another friend the other day about her. I was able to say very matter of factly how I just didnt deal with it well. But I also realized how far I had come.so it does get better.
    I guess it is a tribute to her to inspire such strong feelings in people. I still havent erased her from my address book, and I still want to talk to her. sometimes I do just not on the phone. Now I have more of a direct line!
    sometimes the burdens just get to us. I didnt know her but she must have been an awesome lady! Chen is right, harder for us because of the sudden aspect but better for her. BIG HUGS Meena.
  • Marcia527
    Marcia527 Member Posts: 2,729
    #10
    I have felt that sadness for
    I have felt that sadness for others on this board who have passed over. But I remind myself they are out of pain now and some day we will meet them again. Hugs.
  • Angie2U
    Angie2U Member Posts: 2,991
    #11
    smalldoggroomer said:

    Dear Meena,
    I am so
    Dear Meena,
    I am so sorry to hear about your friends passing. Please except my deepest condolences. I have heard that everyone comes into you life for a reason. I am sure you both meant the world to each other. And both you lives were bless and enhanced by each other. She was a very lucky lady to have a friend like you. You mean the world to people that you don't even realize you do. Me included You are a true inspiration Meena, I mean that from my heart. Take the time to morn your friend she made a difference in this world and so do you. Take care Darlin Kay

    I am so sorry Meena that you
    I am so sorry Meena that you are still mourning your friend Deb, but, I certainly understand. Losing someone so close is so very hard.

    I pray that with more time, you will find comfort and peace.


    Praying for you!
  • fauxma
    fauxma Member Posts: 3,577 Member
    #12
    Marcia527 said:

    I have felt that sadness for
    I have felt that sadness for others on this board who have passed over. But I remind myself they are out of pain now and some day we will meet them again. Hugs.

    Meena,
    The others have said
    Meena,
    The others have said very eloquently all that I would say to you. I think that this sadness is a reflection of the loss of a wonderful friend and it can also be a grim reminder of our mortality. And this is amplified for those that are dealing with mets and recurrences. I know you know how much you are cherished here but it never hurts to hear it said aloud. We all need to say we love you to those we care for because no one knows when we might lose someone we love. I say I love you often to those I cherish. So to you dear Meena and all my other dear friends on this board, I love you, each and every one.
    Stef
  • DianeBC
    DianeBC Member Posts: 3,881 Member
    #13
    Marcia527 said:

    I have felt that sadness for
    I have felt that sadness for others on this board who have passed over. But I remind myself they are out of pain now and some day we will meet them again. Hugs.

    I am so sorry that you lost
    I am so sorry that you lost your friend Meena. I haven't gone through that yet myself, and, dread the day I do.

    I am sending you a big cyber hug! I hope it helps.


    Hugs, Diane
  • lynn1950
    lynn1950 Member Posts: 2,570
    #14
    We're all trying to figure
    We're all trying to figure it out, aren't we? Looking for an answer that just eludes us. You never depress me or worry me about my own mortality. I do that to myself all by myself! : ) Your strength, caring, and honesty are a gift to all of us. Meena, we love you! xoxoxoxo
  • sausageroll
    sausageroll Member Posts: 415
    #15
    lynn1950 said:

    We're all trying to figure
    We're all trying to figure it out, aren't we? Looking for an answer that just eludes us. You never depress me or worry me about my own mortality. I do that to myself all by myself! : ) Your strength, caring, and honesty are a gift to all of us. Meena, we love you! xoxoxoxo

    Meena
    I think we all understand how you are feeling Meena. Nothing can bring your friend back...but her memories will remain and I think that is what she would want. She would want us all to be fighting ..just as she did. Thin king of you. Take care. Pat
  • Ritzy
    Ritzy Member Posts: 4,381 Member
    #16
    sausageroll said:

    Meena
    I think we all understand how you are feeling Meena. Nothing can bring your friend back...but her memories will remain and I think that is what she would want. She would want us all to be fighting ..just as she did. Thin king of you. Take care. Pat

    Sometimes life just
    Sometimes life just stinks!!! I'm sorry Meena that your pain is still so great from the loss of your dear friend. She truly was a wonderful friend to you and you to her.

    Losing a loved one can break our hearts and bring such sadness to us. But, you will get to feeling better Meena, it just will take time.

    There is nothing wrong with mourning her loss or feeling sad about Deb not being here. Nothing wrong with shedding tears because you miss her.

    And, by your having cancer and still fighting for your life, you truly understand how hard Deb fought. I am just so sorry that she lost her fight.

    I think you need to just give your self time Meena..time to heal.

    Your sisters are all here for you!!!

    Sue :)
  • CypressCynthia
    CypressCynthia Member Posts: 4,014 Member
    #17
    chenheart said:

    When my sweet mama got sick~
    When my sweet mama got sick~ she had been on dialysis for over a year, and lived in a wonderful assisted living home ( a private home with only 5 ladies) she was of course taken to the hospital. Finding out she had to stay the night, her concern was "OMG...if I knew that, I would have brought my lipstick!" My beautiful and vain Mama! How I loved her and emulate her vanity to this day!
    She did not wake up the next morning. This was 12 years ago and I think of her still.
    What consoles me is this~she was not languishing on a death bed, she was not intubated or catheterized, or comatose. She was worried about how she looked! And she fell asleep not to wake upe again. Bad for me and my family, but not bad for my mom! If any of us has to lose our battle, this is the way to do it.
    Deb left you and those who loved her much the same way. Shocking and sudden and unfair, of course. But, if for reasons not explainable by me she wasn't going to survive the damnable beast, she left this life with peace, quiet and dignity.

    I know it doesn't take away your pain or sadness...but I am so happy my mama didn't suffer and had made plans! It has strangely comforted me for over a decade. I send you that same comfort now. XOXOXOXOX

    Hugs,
    Chen♥

    I love the lipstick story!
    I love the lipstick story! That is so cute--what's a girl without a little lipstick ;-) I know you miss her Chen, but I am glad she went out so peacefully. I hope I go out looking for my lipstick--no tubes, no vent, no hospital.
  • Megan M
    Megan M Member Posts: 3,000
    #18
    lynn1950 said:

    We're all trying to figure
    We're all trying to figure it out, aren't we? Looking for an answer that just eludes us. You never depress me or worry me about my own mortality. I do that to myself all by myself! : ) Your strength, caring, and honesty are a gift to all of us. Meena, we love you! xoxoxoxo

    You have wonderful memories
    You have wonderful memories of your friend! I hope that helps!


    Hugs to you Meena,


    Megan
  • Jean 0609
    Jean 0609 Member Posts: 2,462
    #19
    Oh Meena,
    I am so sorry that you are missing your friend so much, but it is only natural. At least you kept her messages and have those memories. Sending you a big hug, Jean
  • DebbyM
    DebbyM Member Posts: 3,289 Member
    #20
    CypressCynthia said:

    I love the lipstick story!
    I love the lipstick story! That is so cute--what's a girl without a little lipstick ;-) I know you miss her Chen, but I am glad she went out so peacefully. I hope I go out looking for my lipstick--no tubes, no vent, no hospital.

    I am so sorry Meena that the
    I am so sorry Meena that the loss of Deb is still so painful. Wish I could say more to help you, other than someday you will feel better.

    Your memory will hold all of the good things about Deb forever.


    Hugs, Debby
  • susie09
    susie09 Member Posts: 2,930
    #21
    chenheart said:

    When my sweet mama got sick~
    When my sweet mama got sick~ she had been on dialysis for over a year, and lived in a wonderful assisted living home ( a private home with only 5 ladies) she was of course taken to the hospital. Finding out she had to stay the night, her concern was "OMG...if I knew that, I would have brought my lipstick!" My beautiful and vain Mama! How I loved her and emulate her vanity to this day!
    She did not wake up the next morning. This was 12 years ago and I think of her still.
    What consoles me is this~she was not languishing on a death bed, she was not intubated or catheterized, or comatose. She was worried about how she looked! And she fell asleep not to wake upe again. Bad for me and my family, but not bad for my mom! If any of us has to lose our battle, this is the way to do it.
    Deb left you and those who loved her much the same way. Shocking and sudden and unfair, of course. But, if for reasons not explainable by me she wasn't going to survive the damnable beast, she left this life with peace, quiet and dignity.

    I know it doesn't take away your pain or sadness...but I am so happy my mama didn't suffer and had made plans! It has strangely comforted me for over a decade. I send you that same comfort now. XOXOXOXOX

    Hugs,
    Chen♥

    Wish I could just put my
    Wish I could just put my arms around you to comfort you Meena. There really isn't anything anyone here or anywhere can say that will ease your pain.


    Just know how much we love you and are hoping that the memories of Deb will put a smile on your face again soon.

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