In-laws for the holidays and their so-special remarks...

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D Lewis
D Lewis Member Posts: 1,581 Member
edited March 2014 in Head and Neck Cancer #1
On this Thanksgiving holiday, I am so very grateful for all my friends here and the support which we all give each other. As the old saying goes: "It's a good thing you can choose your friends, because you can't choose your family."

In the interests of defusing some tensions before an in-law gets a pumpkin cream pie in the face, go ahead and vent on this thread. What's the worst remark you have heard from family gathered for your holiday?

Mine: "Wow! You are so skinny. I wish I weighed as little as you do! I guess I wouldn't want to go through what you did, to get there, though."

snerk

Deb
«13

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  • soccerfreaks
    soccerfreaks Member Posts: 2,788 Member
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    Happy Thanksgiving!
    An employee of mine, when I came back to work early, said, "Man, you've lost a lot of weight! Wish I had cancer!" True story.

    But the funny one, the one I really enjoy, is the Thanksgiving (where we always invite these two widowed ladies, among others) where one of the ladies, seated next to me and noting how I was eating VERY small portions (and probably poorly) and not portions of everything (no turkey, for example) said in all seriousness, "I wish I had your willpower."

    Cracks me up...just too darned funny. (Sounds like she ate at your house once too :)).

    Have a good one, D!

    Take care,

    Joe
  • ekdennie
    ekdennie Member Posts: 238 Member
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    oh yes she did...
    1st comment: oh, no, who is going to take care of your kids now? (said with big sad eyes, when she first saw me post diagnosis...while I was recovering from surgery)
    next visit it was: oh, I know you are not to lose any more weight but you look so much better than you did before. (I was only 5 lbs lighter than I was before I got pregnant with my son, and I was still wearing the same size clothes as before...not the case now)
    next time it was: It could be so much worse, what you have is no big deal.

    to the first comment: I will be raising my kids, thank you very much. to the second: I haven't lost that much weight, but I thought...SO I looked like crap before, but cancer has made me look sexy...I can just see the advertising campaign now. to the last...I don't really know how to reply. yes, my side effects could be so much worse, but they could have been better. I had cancer, I had a major surgery to remove it, I lost a ton of blood during that process, and then I went through radiation, severe dry nose with daily nose bleeds, giant sores throughout my mouth and throat, and I can barely open my mouth, I lost some hair, but yes...It could have been worse, but it doesn't diminish what I did go through and what I am still dealing with on a daily basis.

    I have decided that I just can not pay much attention to the person who said the above comments...I am sure she means well..but she needs to learn to filter her comments.

    I also am starting to hate the question: what did you eat today? and I might just punch the next person who asks me how much I weigh now. I weigh what I weigh and it is none of their business how much that number is. I know it will rise again when I can actually eat again! I am only 1.5 weeks post radiation.

    I am sure I will have more comments to add after tomorrow...my family seems to have putting a foot in the mouth-itis...and I think it is spreading! hehehe...at least I have learned to laugh most of it off!
  • D Lewis
    D Lewis Member Posts: 1,581 Member
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    ekdennie said:

    oh yes she did...
    1st comment: oh, no, who is going to take care of your kids now? (said with big sad eyes, when she first saw me post diagnosis...while I was recovering from surgery)
    next visit it was: oh, I know you are not to lose any more weight but you look so much better than you did before. (I was only 5 lbs lighter than I was before I got pregnant with my son, and I was still wearing the same size clothes as before...not the case now)
    next time it was: It could be so much worse, what you have is no big deal.

    to the first comment: I will be raising my kids, thank you very much. to the second: I haven't lost that much weight, but I thought...SO I looked like crap before, but cancer has made me look sexy...I can just see the advertising campaign now. to the last...I don't really know how to reply. yes, my side effects could be so much worse, but they could have been better. I had cancer, I had a major surgery to remove it, I lost a ton of blood during that process, and then I went through radiation, severe dry nose with daily nose bleeds, giant sores throughout my mouth and throat, and I can barely open my mouth, I lost some hair, but yes...It could have been worse, but it doesn't diminish what I did go through and what I am still dealing with on a daily basis.

    I have decided that I just can not pay much attention to the person who said the above comments...I am sure she means well..but she needs to learn to filter her comments.

    I also am starting to hate the question: what did you eat today? and I might just punch the next person who asks me how much I weigh now. I weigh what I weigh and it is none of their business how much that number is. I know it will rise again when I can actually eat again! I am only 1.5 weeks post radiation.

    I am sure I will have more comments to add after tomorrow...my family seems to have putting a foot in the mouth-itis...and I think it is spreading! hehehe...at least I have learned to laugh most of it off!

    Oooooooh
    Sounds like someone really deserves a pumpkin cream pie in the face. Visualize that. It makes you feel so much better.

    Deb
  • MarineE5
    MarineE5 Member Posts: 1,034 Member
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    ekdennie said:

    oh yes she did...
    1st comment: oh, no, who is going to take care of your kids now? (said with big sad eyes, when she first saw me post diagnosis...while I was recovering from surgery)
    next visit it was: oh, I know you are not to lose any more weight but you look so much better than you did before. (I was only 5 lbs lighter than I was before I got pregnant with my son, and I was still wearing the same size clothes as before...not the case now)
    next time it was: It could be so much worse, what you have is no big deal.

    to the first comment: I will be raising my kids, thank you very much. to the second: I haven't lost that much weight, but I thought...SO I looked like crap before, but cancer has made me look sexy...I can just see the advertising campaign now. to the last...I don't really know how to reply. yes, my side effects could be so much worse, but they could have been better. I had cancer, I had a major surgery to remove it, I lost a ton of blood during that process, and then I went through radiation, severe dry nose with daily nose bleeds, giant sores throughout my mouth and throat, and I can barely open my mouth, I lost some hair, but yes...It could have been worse, but it doesn't diminish what I did go through and what I am still dealing with on a daily basis.

    I have decided that I just can not pay much attention to the person who said the above comments...I am sure she means well..but she needs to learn to filter her comments.

    I also am starting to hate the question: what did you eat today? and I might just punch the next person who asks me how much I weigh now. I weigh what I weigh and it is none of their business how much that number is. I know it will rise again when I can actually eat again! I am only 1.5 weeks post radiation.

    I am sure I will have more comments to add after tomorrow...my family seems to have putting a foot in the mouth-itis...and I think it is spreading! hehehe...at least I have learned to laugh most of it off!

    Hi
    ekdennie wrote ----

    I also am starting to hate the question: what did you eat today? and I might just punch the next person who asks me how much I weigh now.------

    So, Okay, what DID you eat today and how much DO you weigh ???? JUST KIDDING as I duck and run from ekdennie.....OOPS, got whacked by D Lewis's Pumpkin Cream Pie.....Tastes good...

    Yes, we all have someone in the family that runs their mouth before their brain is warmed up. Enjoy the family gathering even with the remarks, let them flow over your head.

    Today, it was suppose to rain, but it has been snowing for an hour now. Luckily, the ground is still warm from yesterday and nothing is sticking so far..

    Happy Thanksgiving to All
  • stevenl
    stevenl Member Posts: 587
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    MarineE5 said:

    Hi
    ekdennie wrote ----

    I also am starting to hate the question: what did you eat today? and I might just punch the next person who asks me how much I weigh now.------

    So, Okay, what DID you eat today and how much DO you weigh ???? JUST KIDDING as I duck and run from ekdennie.....OOPS, got whacked by D Lewis's Pumpkin Cream Pie.....Tastes good...

    Yes, we all have someone in the family that runs their mouth before their brain is warmed up. Enjoy the family gathering even with the remarks, let them flow over your head.

    Today, it was suppose to rain, but it has been snowing for an hour now. Luckily, the ground is still warm from yesterday and nothing is sticking so far..

    Happy Thanksgiving to All

    Opinions
    I was once called a piece of trash at Christmas by my sister in law. I left that "Party" rather abruptly. I had missed her son's wedding, with good reason I might add, but now that I have been through this and she lost her younger brother to cancer, she wants to kiss and make up. I guess I'm not as trashy as I once was.

    Happy Thanksgiving D!
    Steve
  • Skiffin16
    Skiffin16 Member Posts: 8,305 Member
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    Comments
    I had a very close relative ask my wife this question, while I was still in recovery from the tonsils coming out and the ENT just telling my wife that I did indeed have STG III Throat Cancer;

    Oh no, how are you going to afford to make the house payments on your new house without John....

    Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence and also for the compassion to my wife that was just told I had cancer....

    BTW, we are actually having a swimming pool built starting next month....hmmm, should I invite the doubters?

    JG
  • Hondo
    Hondo Member Posts: 6,636 Member
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    Hi Deb
    Oh yes the faithful in-laws meeting at the holidays thing, you are lucky someone did not ask if you were sick or something, it is worth the laugh sometimes.

    Enjoy this thanksgiving as we survivors have a so much to be thankful for each and every year.

    All the best to you and all our CSN Family on this Thanksgiving Holiday.
  • D Lewis
    D Lewis Member Posts: 1,581 Member
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    Giblets?

    Smell of turkey roasting without stuffing...

    Grandma-in-law: "Do you think I should chop this neck meat and add it to the gravy?"
    Me: "Where are the giblets?"
    G-i-L: "This is all it came with."
    Me: "Did you check the neck cavity?"
    G-i-L: "What neck cavity?"

    Me, to myself: "Eeeeeeeewwww."

    D
  • D Lewis
    D Lewis Member Posts: 1,581 Member
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    Skiffin16 said:

    Comments
    I had a very close relative ask my wife this question, while I was still in recovery from the tonsils coming out and the ENT just telling my wife that I did indeed have STG III Throat Cancer;

    Oh no, how are you going to afford to make the house payments on your new house without John....

    Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence and also for the compassion to my wife that was just told I had cancer....

    BTW, we are actually having a swimming pool built starting next month....hmmm, should I invite the doubters?

    JG

    Nix on the doubters for the pool party.
    But, we'll all come and celebrate with you.

    Deb
  • Skiffin16
    Skiffin16 Member Posts: 8,305 Member
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    D Lewis said:

    Giblets?

    Smell of turkey roasting without stuffing...

    Grandma-in-law: "Do you think I should chop this neck meat and add it to the gravy?"
    Me: "Where are the giblets?"
    G-i-L: "This is all it came with."
    Me: "Did you check the neck cavity?"
    G-i-L: "What neck cavity?"

    Me, to myself: "Eeeeeeeewwww."

    D

    Bagged Gravy
    Hmmm, might have a pouch full of gravy without even trying, LOL....

    JG
  • Hondo
    Hondo Member Posts: 6,636 Member
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    Skiffin16 said:

    Bagged Gravy
    Hmmm, might have a pouch full of gravy without even trying, LOL....

    JG

    Hi John
    Now that is a Picture my friend
  • D Lewis
    D Lewis Member Posts: 1,581 Member
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    ekdennie said:

    oh yes she did...
    1st comment: oh, no, who is going to take care of your kids now? (said with big sad eyes, when she first saw me post diagnosis...while I was recovering from surgery)
    next visit it was: oh, I know you are not to lose any more weight but you look so much better than you did before. (I was only 5 lbs lighter than I was before I got pregnant with my son, and I was still wearing the same size clothes as before...not the case now)
    next time it was: It could be so much worse, what you have is no big deal.

    to the first comment: I will be raising my kids, thank you very much. to the second: I haven't lost that much weight, but I thought...SO I looked like crap before, but cancer has made me look sexy...I can just see the advertising campaign now. to the last...I don't really know how to reply. yes, my side effects could be so much worse, but they could have been better. I had cancer, I had a major surgery to remove it, I lost a ton of blood during that process, and then I went through radiation, severe dry nose with daily nose bleeds, giant sores throughout my mouth and throat, and I can barely open my mouth, I lost some hair, but yes...It could have been worse, but it doesn't diminish what I did go through and what I am still dealing with on a daily basis.

    I have decided that I just can not pay much attention to the person who said the above comments...I am sure she means well..but she needs to learn to filter her comments.

    I also am starting to hate the question: what did you eat today? and I might just punch the next person who asks me how much I weigh now. I weigh what I weigh and it is none of their business how much that number is. I know it will rise again when I can actually eat again! I am only 1.5 weeks post radiation.

    I am sure I will have more comments to add after tomorrow...my family seems to have putting a foot in the mouth-itis...and I think it is spreading! hehehe...at least I have learned to laugh most of it off!

    Oh, but there is more...
    Grandma-in-law asks my Hubby please to carve the turkey. Hubby does so.

    After dinner, Hubby says to his older Bro: "Why don't you finish carving up the bird for Mom?"

    Older Bro: slices off thumb. Off go the brothers to the Regional Medical Center.

    Deb
  • sweetblood22
    sweetblood22 Member Posts: 3,228
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    Hondo said:

    Hi John
    Now that is a Picture my friend

    I was strictly peg tube last
    I was strictly peg tube last year and so this was a big test for me. I would have done really well if my father didn't spill the pepper into the stuffed mushrooms, decide after years of good normal stuffing, put sausage in the stuffing and stuff was too salty for me. I'm glad I made my green bean casserole. And I did have a tiny piece of turkey.

    I only had one PITA family member there. The rest stayed home. Yay! But I did get this comment:

    I don't know why you are taking a spoonful of everything, you are probably just going to waste it anyway.
  • ekdennie
    ekdennie Member Posts: 238 Member
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    thanksgiving
    well, everyone in the family knew i was going to do whatever I could to try to eat some turkey and all the sides. I had made a special runny dressing just for me, I had my numbing meds lined up with care, I was seated at the table. I began to eat with my giant glass of milk and water by my side, slowly sampling each dish. Then I hear, "hey she can eat! way to go...what do you like the best?" I love the encouragement, but how do you tell someone that yes you are eating small bites of food, but you don't really know if it tastes any good as your taste buds are so shot that everything except the milk and dressing taste the same? as I didn't have a good answer I complemented the very juicy turkey which was easier to swallow than expected and the sweet potatoes which didn't taste sweet this year, but sure did go down easy!

    oh, and they were lucky I was able to eat...I heard more speculations about my weight again!
  • Skiffin16
    Skiffin16 Member Posts: 8,305 Member
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    ekdennie said:

    thanksgiving
    well, everyone in the family knew i was going to do whatever I could to try to eat some turkey and all the sides. I had made a special runny dressing just for me, I had my numbing meds lined up with care, I was seated at the table. I began to eat with my giant glass of milk and water by my side, slowly sampling each dish. Then I hear, "hey she can eat! way to go...what do you like the best?" I love the encouragement, but how do you tell someone that yes you are eating small bites of food, but you don't really know if it tastes any good as your taste buds are so shot that everything except the milk and dressing taste the same? as I didn't have a good answer I complemented the very juicy turkey which was easier to swallow than expected and the sweet potatoes which didn't taste sweet this year, but sure did go down easy!

    oh, and they were lucky I was able to eat...I heard more speculations about my weight again!

    Taste
    Now 18 months post treatment, I have regained about 80% of my taste and around 90% of salivary function.

    But I do very well remember when even water tasted like sweat.

    I have a friend that just could't grasp the fact I couldn't taste anything in those days. He always had to go down a big list of different foods, asking can you taste this, what about this....

    I would just laugh and tell him, look, I can't taste anything...and if I do happen to get a little taste of something, it just tastes bad.

    JG
  • Skiffin16
    Skiffin16 Member Posts: 8,305 Member
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    ekdennie said:

    thanksgiving
    well, everyone in the family knew i was going to do whatever I could to try to eat some turkey and all the sides. I had made a special runny dressing just for me, I had my numbing meds lined up with care, I was seated at the table. I began to eat with my giant glass of milk and water by my side, slowly sampling each dish. Then I hear, "hey she can eat! way to go...what do you like the best?" I love the encouragement, but how do you tell someone that yes you are eating small bites of food, but you don't really know if it tastes any good as your taste buds are so shot that everything except the milk and dressing taste the same? as I didn't have a good answer I complemented the very juicy turkey which was easier to swallow than expected and the sweet potatoes which didn't taste sweet this year, but sure did go down easy!

    oh, and they were lucky I was able to eat...I heard more speculations about my weight again!

    Doubled
    Can you taste this....
  • ekdennie
    ekdennie Member Posts: 238 Member
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    Skiffin16 said:

    Doubled
    Can you taste this....

    hehehehe
    yeah...I had thought that I hadn't lost too much of my taste...until I tried to eat something other than mac and cheese. apparently cheese is the only thing that isn't completely off taste-wise! It tastes stronger, but still somewhat good...I have to eat really soft cheese or cheese sauces. dinner tonight was another round of how does this taste. I finally went item by item and said quite frankly, this one tastes like I imagine battery acid tasting, this one tastes like dirt, this one tastes like raw unsweetened cocoa, this one tastes like grease, this one tastes like nothing at all, and this glass of milk...it tastes like milk. there is no rhyme or reason, I am fine with it. I am looking forward to how different foods will taste as the taste buds come back. kind of like it is my own experiment...this tastes good today, this doesn't, and this one I don't think I will be trying again for a very long time! My husband tries to understand, but he knows how much I love food, so I can see that he hurts for me in that I can't truly taste my food. makes it harder to cook as well. I used to rely on my taste to adjust recipes, now I have to rely on his...and our tastes are different. however, this difficulty with taste is better than the alternative. I would gladly deal with this than to not be able to watch my children grow.
    it is all a matter of perspective.
    also, I was asked, "just how many pounds have you lost?" yet again today. when did my whole family get obsessed with my weight? did they wonder how much I was weighing before cancer, cause I would have answered then...but really...is it that big a deal...I am still wearing the same clothes...I haven't lost a whole lot of weight. I did put on the pounds when I found out about the tumor and when I found out my taste buds would probably be affected...I gained 20 lbs. those I lost after the surgery...I have lost a few more with radiation. I am tempted to just start talking politics or hitting the next person who asks what i eat today or how much I have lost...I really am...then again I may just start laughing hysterically! I think I would be better off doing that instead...or asking them what they have had to eat and how much do they weigh...that should stop these questions! :)
    have a great day after thanksgiving! love and hugs to you all!
  • Skiffin16
    Skiffin16 Member Posts: 8,305 Member
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    ekdennie said:

    hehehehe
    yeah...I had thought that I hadn't lost too much of my taste...until I tried to eat something other than mac and cheese. apparently cheese is the only thing that isn't completely off taste-wise! It tastes stronger, but still somewhat good...I have to eat really soft cheese or cheese sauces. dinner tonight was another round of how does this taste. I finally went item by item and said quite frankly, this one tastes like I imagine battery acid tasting, this one tastes like dirt, this one tastes like raw unsweetened cocoa, this one tastes like grease, this one tastes like nothing at all, and this glass of milk...it tastes like milk. there is no rhyme or reason, I am fine with it. I am looking forward to how different foods will taste as the taste buds come back. kind of like it is my own experiment...this tastes good today, this doesn't, and this one I don't think I will be trying again for a very long time! My husband tries to understand, but he knows how much I love food, so I can see that he hurts for me in that I can't truly taste my food. makes it harder to cook as well. I used to rely on my taste to adjust recipes, now I have to rely on his...and our tastes are different. however, this difficulty with taste is better than the alternative. I would gladly deal with this than to not be able to watch my children grow.
    it is all a matter of perspective.
    also, I was asked, "just how many pounds have you lost?" yet again today. when did my whole family get obsessed with my weight? did they wonder how much I was weighing before cancer, cause I would have answered then...but really...is it that big a deal...I am still wearing the same clothes...I haven't lost a whole lot of weight. I did put on the pounds when I found out about the tumor and when I found out my taste buds would probably be affected...I gained 20 lbs. those I lost after the surgery...I have lost a few more with radiation. I am tempted to just start talking politics or hitting the next person who asks what i eat today or how much I have lost...I really am...then again I may just start laughing hysterically! I think I would be better off doing that instead...or asking them what they have had to eat and how much do they weigh...that should stop these questions! :)
    have a great day after thanksgiving! love and hugs to you all!

    Weight
    Weight seems to be a topic for most....as for me already being heavy and losing 45#. I still wasn't thin, but that caused other irritating comments.

    Some people seem to think because I wasn't wasting away to nothing, that what I had and the treatment that I was going through wasn't anything that bad. Not like someone else that they knew and had nearly became a skelton, off color person, an with no hair....

    JG
  • dennis318
    dennis318 Member Posts: 349 Member
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    Skiffin16 said:

    Weight
    Weight seems to be a topic for most....as for me already being heavy and losing 45#. I still wasn't thin, but that caused other irritating comments.

    Some people seem to think because I wasn't wasting away to nothing, that what I had and the treatment that I was going through wasn't anything that bad. Not like someone else that they knew and had nearly became a skelton, off color person, an with no hair....

    JG

    Mine was pretty good
    I hate cornbread dressing, my wife from the south, and made her aunts reciepe, I finished dinner, to my surprise it was best dressing and dinner I Had, the only thing is my wife brings home a sugarfreeapple pie...BALH....why not a sugar free twinkies to go with..GROSS...I weigh 148 still from 202..LMAO..
  • ekdennie
    ekdennie Member Posts: 238 Member
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    Skiffin16 said:

    Weight
    Weight seems to be a topic for most....as for me already being heavy and losing 45#. I still wasn't thin, but that caused other irritating comments.

    Some people seem to think because I wasn't wasting away to nothing, that what I had and the treatment that I was going through wasn't anything that bad. Not like someone else that they knew and had nearly became a skelton, off color person, an with no hair....

    JG

    me too
    JG,
    I have lost a lot of weight from my treatments, but I had plenty to lose. I have been overweight since college. I'm only 31 now, but I have been at the same weight, going up about 20-30 lbs with each pregnancy and then losing it again after the babies. the main difference is that this time I lost weight everywhere...not just in my belly. I am only 5 lbs less than I was before I conceived my 3rd child...but they just don't seem to get that. my weight is all anyone wants to talk about. I don't normally think about my weight. I think that is why it is driving me crazy. I don't intend to look like a skeleton, but I eat what I can and I drink what I can't eat. they just don't get it...at the moment any way. one relative actually told me that what I am going through is no big deal compared to the person they know who lost all of their hair and lost 50 lbs. stuff like that hurts, mostly because what I am going through is a big deal for me. I have lost some hair and I continue to lose hair every time I touch the back of my hairline. I won't go into all my radiation side effects...those of us on here who have had them know what they are...we have gone through or are going through them now.
    because i can rally long enough to smile when family or friends come by they think I am full of energy and can get everything done. I am only 2 weeks post treatment. I can smile and pretend for a while, but then I end up sleeping the whole next day. there are things I have told myself that I will do...not that I want to do, but that I will do. I am doing those things...even when I end up very worn out. but that doesn't mean that my treatment is easy or no big deal. I just don't want to be treated like an invalid or someone who needs to be watched or should be in bed all day...even if I eventually end up there!

    I think irritating comments will just be a part of the new normal for a while. not forever, but for a while. I just hope I don't rip into someone who means well and doesn't have a clue that their words are hurtful, who don't understand what I feel, or how I trying to overcome my own fears for the sake of myself and my family.