Cry cry cry

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KristynRuth86
KristynRuth86 Member Posts: 140
edited March 2014 in Head and Neck Cancer #1
So I am 12 days post treatment and though I should probably be happy that the worst is over, for the past 3 days I can't stop crying. I feel like my quality of life is just terrible. I love my life, I have much to be grateful and happy for, but I can't stop crying. I miss food, I hate sneezing, yawning, or coughing because I feel like I'm gonna pass out from the pain. I just miss how I used to be before all this. I know that's the same story for all of you here. Did any of y'all go thru this? I just can't hold back my tears. I'm just a big ol teary eyed mess. And I feel like no one understands.
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  • JUDYV5
    JUDYV5 Member Posts: 392
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    I do understand
    That is when the depression hit me the worst. I was able to work through it. The pain hopefully will begin to subside. I really don't think I felt anything like the old me until the Doctor's told me that the treatment was successful. Then you have the baby hormones on top of that. Hang in there !!
  • micktissue
    micktissue Member Posts: 430
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    endurance
    Kristyn I feel for you so deeply. Yes I went through exactly what you are going through including the tears. I had the complication of vomiting gastric juices into my red and raw mucosa which brought me to my knees, my wife sobbing over me not knowing what she could do for me and me not able to tell her what I needed because I did not know. I just wanted the pain to go away.

    I promise you it will not always be this way. I promise you that one day soon you will look back with a faint memory of how hard this was to endure, but endure you will.

    Crying and feeling depressed and being a big ol teary eyed mess is completely appropriate for what you are going through. Don't hold back your tears and don't expect anyone who hasn't been there to completely understand. Just ask them to hold you because you don't know what to ask for and don't know what you need; it just hurts, a lot, and it hurts to not be yourself and it's scary because you don't know if the old you will ever come back.

    But I promise Kristyn that the new you will feel better soon and that this pain will dissolve. Slowly yes, but it will dissolve.

    Myself and everyone here understands, really understands and if I was in your town I'd be over there witnessing your strength and courage through this. Know that we are all there with you, albeit virtually, but we are there.

    My motto during all this has been 'Never Give Up, Never Surrender'. Crying is not surrendering. Crying is the way you cope, so cry away, cry a lot and endure.

    Best,

    Mick
  • Jan Trinks
    Jan Trinks Member Posts: 477
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    Cry, cry, cry
    Kristyn:

    I can certainly understand why you would feel like crying all the time! After all the treatment you've been through and you were probably in the fight mode and now you're well, so you have to adjust that! Give yourself time. I don't know how it is to personally go thru all the treatment I can just speak of what it was like being with my husband through all of his. He was diagnosed with Stage IV throat cancer in Nov. 2008 and had the three inductive chemos and 35 rads and did really well for 1 1/2 yrs. But unfortunately, his came back with avegence this past July and I lost him on Aug. 21. We were married for 35 yrs in June and only have 4 footed children. So from that aspect I certainly understand cry, cry, cry! You're in my prayers and thoughts. Continue to do well.

    Jan Trinks
  • dennis318
    dennis318 Member Posts: 349 Member
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    endurance
    Kristyn I feel for you so deeply. Yes I went through exactly what you are going through including the tears. I had the complication of vomiting gastric juices into my red and raw mucosa which brought me to my knees, my wife sobbing over me not knowing what she could do for me and me not able to tell her what I needed because I did not know. I just wanted the pain to go away.

    I promise you it will not always be this way. I promise you that one day soon you will look back with a faint memory of how hard this was to endure, but endure you will.

    Crying and feeling depressed and being a big ol teary eyed mess is completely appropriate for what you are going through. Don't hold back your tears and don't expect anyone who hasn't been there to completely understand. Just ask them to hold you because you don't know what to ask for and don't know what you need; it just hurts, a lot, and it hurts to not be yourself and it's scary because you don't know if the old you will ever come back.

    But I promise Kristyn that the new you will feel better soon and that this pain will dissolve. Slowly yes, but it will dissolve.

    Myself and everyone here understands, really understands and if I was in your town I'd be over there witnessing your strength and courage through this. Know that we are all there with you, albeit virtually, but we are there.

    My motto during all this has been 'Never Give Up, Never Surrender'. Crying is not surrendering. Crying is the way you cope, so cry away, cry a lot and endure.

    Best,

    Mick

    We Share Your Pain
    You started the battle, you must continue, It's hard and will shed plenty of tears. It hurts like hell, and whoever has not endured on side effect of radiation and Chemo, knows what we talk about, I hope you have the support at home, some of us didn't, when you get to the end, last few weeks you'll wish the hurt would stop or you you would simply give up, Don't...it will get better and your at a turning spot where you will slowy come out of, I found out, my body isn't the same as I started, That's what I deal with now!, but to think of you and others pain of starting your treatments, makes me feel I made it, and just waiting for you to finish and meet us all here at the end of the road...Big Hug for Support, you can do this. Dennis
  • MarineE5
    MarineE5 Member Posts: 1,031 Member
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    Where am I ?
    Kristyn,

    Yes, you are not alone in what you are going through. We all have been there at all different levels. I can probably say with all honesty that we all have shed some tears along this journey.

    As happy as we might be when we are looking to complete the treatments, we are now faced with something that we didn't expect. What next? Since we heard the words " You have cancer" we have been in someones care. We have seen countless Doctors, Nurses and Caregivers at our side. Then we complete the treatments and it is as if someone tossed us out in the cold on a winter night. Where am I ?

    We have been told or things have been suggested to us for nearly 3-6 months and we are now alone. We have to recover, but how do we do that ? Our minds have been full of emotions and our daily lives have been pretty full with all the daily appointments. Now we have a huge amount of time on our hands to think.

    As Judy and Mick mentioned, we will have a NEW ME. Am I the same person that I was BC ( before cancer ). My answer is no, I think I am a better person, a bit more emotional in a good way. Each day is a Gift, find something that you like to do, anything, your body will repair itself if you give it the proper nutrition, be it still cans of nutrition or soft foods with protien. Your mind needs to be repaired as well. Our mind controls how we feel and how we feel controls how we act. We have been through a dark chapter in our lives, but we can turn the page and move on, slowly, but move on.

    Find something to do today that you like, be it a cup of coffee or a slow walk around the block, call a friend, family, anything, for today, you take control then tomorrow, take control again. You can do this, look how far you have come since the day you heard those words that turned your life and all of us here upside down.

    My Best to You and Everyone Here
  • Glenna M
    Glenna M Member Posts: 1,576
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    Judy is right...
    Kristy, I along with everyone else here understands what you are feeling right now both emotionally and physically. You have it worse because I'm sure your hormones are out of whack from just having had a baby so you are getting hit with a double whammy of emotions.

    I'm sure you are sick of hearing "be patient, it will get better" but it's true. Sometimes it may feel like you will never be pain free or feel like your old self but it will happen.

    Don't hold back the tears, let them flow and it will help relieve some of the stress you are feeling right now. I wish I could be there to hold you when you cry and help ease your pain.

    It's hard for anyone who has not been through this to understand but maybe if you asked someone in your family or one of your close friends to just hold you while you cry it might make you feel less alone. Just tell them you don't expect them to understand, you just need them to hold you.

    After treatment whenever I was going through a rough stretch I would just tell myself that it will be better tomorrow. I had to tell myself that several times but finally that day got there and now I'm able to handle most things that happen. I still have a bad day occasionally but they are getting further and further apart.

    Cry your eyese out girl, you have the right to and don't feel that you are weak because of it.

    Take care,
    Glenna
  • Kent Cass
    Kent Cass Member Posts: 1,898 Member
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    Crying
    Tears show that you're still alive, Kristyn. Still alive, girl. This is C you've just got done doing battle with. And still alive. Does take time for the body to heal, so yes- try to be patient. You're still alive...

    The post-treatment time can be difficult. Marine touched very well upon it, and Scam has helped a lot of us with his experience and knowledge. If it all gets too much, there's absolutely nothing wrong with seeking professional help. The battle leaves scars on us all- and some of those scars can't be seen by the eyes.

    For me, it was like the Peggy Lee song- Is That All There Is? The void created by the treatments ending hit me harder than I thought possible. Think it was genuine depression. Seeing the rad techs and Dr. five days a week, and the Chemo people now and then, along with the four nights in a hospital- it was like there was always something going-on, escpecially with the physical struggles during treatment. And then, poof- it's over, except for the physical changes one still experiences. Is that all there is...to survival of H&N? Well, yes. It's one heckuva battle, and leaves it's mark on us all, and does take some time to recover before returning to the life we lived before C; however, that's why we fought that major battle in our lives- to get back, as best one can, to that life, now as a C survivor. Patience is a requirement, I reckon, in the recovery process. Does take time, but you'll get to where you want to be.

    Believe

    kcass
  • sweetblood22
    sweetblood22 Member Posts: 3,228
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    Glenna M said:

    Judy is right...
    Kristy, I along with everyone else here understands what you are feeling right now both emotionally and physically. You have it worse because I'm sure your hormones are out of whack from just having had a baby so you are getting hit with a double whammy of emotions.

    I'm sure you are sick of hearing "be patient, it will get better" but it's true. Sometimes it may feel like you will never be pain free or feel like your old self but it will happen.

    Don't hold back the tears, let them flow and it will help relieve some of the stress you are feeling right now. I wish I could be there to hold you when you cry and help ease your pain.

    It's hard for anyone who has not been through this to understand but maybe if you asked someone in your family or one of your close friends to just hold you while you cry it might make you feel less alone. Just tell them you don't expect them to understand, you just need them to hold you.

    After treatment whenever I was going through a rough stretch I would just tell myself that it will be better tomorrow. I had to tell myself that several times but finally that day got there and now I'm able to handle most things that happen. I still have a bad day occasionally but they are getting further and further apart.

    Cry your eyese out girl, you have the right to and don't feel that you are weak because of it.

    Take care,
    Glenna

    Go ahead and cry.
    Please know you are not alone. I cannot tell you how many tears I have shed, sweetie. I have cried so hard I thought my eye balls would pop out. I wish I had someone to hold me as I cried. I would curl up with my dog, Noah and hold him. Knowing no one could love him or spoil him more than I do is what helped me stick around. To be quite frank there was a time when I could not swallow or eat a damn thing, that I didn't want to be here anymore.

    We know how much pain you are in, how you cannot stand one more minute of mucous and how you would just love to be normal right now. And sheesh woman, you are way tougher than I am! And brave! You are a mommy!! You can do this. :)

    I didn't believe it when people told me I would get thru the pain, but I did. Man it was so slow for me. Like a milimeter a day, dammit but I am getting better. This, right now, isn't perfect, but I can live with this.

    You can get thru. You will get better. You will become your new normal. This time after rads, is the worst. It's when all he'll broke loose for me and I peaked and I was so sick, vomiting constantly. My poor ravaged mouth was shot and peg tube or not everything came up. I was down to 87 lbs. But, i got through it!

    I prayed a lot and was showered with prayers and cards and love. Know that you have us as your support. You can come here any time and vent. We will hold you, in our hearts, and we will lift you up, since we have the strength right now, that you may not. You will have it some day, hopefully to be here to pass along to another wonderful person that may need your knowledge, understanding, compassion and strength. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

    Peace be with you,

    Dawn
  • Kimba1505
    Kimba1505 Member Posts: 557
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    Kent Cass said:

    Crying
    Tears show that you're still alive, Kristyn. Still alive, girl. This is C you've just got done doing battle with. And still alive. Does take time for the body to heal, so yes- try to be patient. You're still alive...

    The post-treatment time can be difficult. Marine touched very well upon it, and Scam has helped a lot of us with his experience and knowledge. If it all gets too much, there's absolutely nothing wrong with seeking professional help. The battle leaves scars on us all- and some of those scars can't be seen by the eyes.

    For me, it was like the Peggy Lee song- Is That All There Is? The void created by the treatments ending hit me harder than I thought possible. Think it was genuine depression. Seeing the rad techs and Dr. five days a week, and the Chemo people now and then, along with the four nights in a hospital- it was like there was always something going-on, escpecially with the physical struggles during treatment. And then, poof- it's over, except for the physical changes one still experiences. Is that all there is...to survival of H&N? Well, yes. It's one heckuva battle, and leaves it's mark on us all, and does take some time to recover before returning to the life we lived before C; however, that's why we fought that major battle in our lives- to get back, as best one can, to that life, now as a C survivor. Patience is a requirement, I reckon, in the recovery process. Does take time, but you'll get to where you want to be.

    Believe

    kcass

    Crying with you Kristyn...
    Can't stop the tears when they decide to come. There are many times to cry during this dang journey. I remember the post treatment phase just as caregiver...it was very hard. Mark was stoic, but I know he was suffering. And I know as much as I wanted to be in there with him, he was in it alone. He did not join these boards to hear from others who had actually journyed as you have. You are wise to be here. Journey on. One foot in front of the other. It is the only way. I am with Kent Cass on this...Believe...you will move forward.
    Hugs, hugs, hugs,
    Kim
  • GraceLibby
    GraceLibby Member Posts: 88
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    Go ahead and let loose
    Take the advice from everyone above and go ahead and cry. I wish I could loan you my shoulder but a cyberhug will have to suffice. If you need professional help, please get it sooner rather than later. *HUGS*
  • stevenl
    stevenl Member Posts: 587
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    Go ahead and let loose
    Take the advice from everyone above and go ahead and cry. I wish I could loan you my shoulder but a cyberhug will have to suffice. If you need professional help, please get it sooner rather than later. *HUGS*

    Alone
    Dear Kristyn,

    I occupied myself as much as I could after treatment. I worked very hard at trying not to feel alone. I looked to my wife for comfort, and she was a great help. But nothing could make me feel good. I was just like you, thinking things were going to get better. I only now know that it just takes time. I am 7 months out of treatment and finally feeling good about life again. Now it didn't happen just yesterday but it has been a process and I have cried sometimes what seemed like hours at a time. I am taking anti depressants and while I am not proud of that, they have helped me through those times.

    Please talk to your doctors about how you feel and they will help you. Whether it is pain or crying they can and should be willing to help you through this hard journey. I considered myself a pretty tough guy before all this and I finally feel that way again. After all I just kicked cancers butt!!! Hang tough and my thoughts and prayers are with you.

    Sincerely,
    Steve
  • D Lewis
    D Lewis Member Posts: 1,581 Member
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    What everybody else here said!
    Cry. Go ahead and cry your eyes out. I cried myself nearly blind. I told my daughter that I cried. She told me that a big part of my tears were from shock and pride about what I had been through. You have been through the same terrible, shocking experience that we all have. Girl, you've REALLY got something to cry about. But also cry from pride. You got yourself through the treatment. You beat this thing. Now you have to claw your way back to a new normal life. You can do this. We're all here right beside you.

    Deb
  • fisrpotpe
    fisrpotpe Member Posts: 1,349 Member
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    Check it out!
    We have all been there! We all are doing better! We all are sending our thoughts and prayers for you to give strength by the hour to help you get thru your day.

    I too was there 14 years ago, trust me it does get better, and I prommis it will get better. How ever not as fast as you would like.

    Keep your Positive Mental Attitude going, we are all grateful to be here to help you.

    John
  • adventurebob
    adventurebob Member Posts: 691
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    Crying
    Hey Kristyn,
    I read your posting this morning and thought about you off and on today every time I cried or felt like crying. I start up 35 days of radiation tomorrow and another 3 rounds of Cisplatin so I'm feeling a bit emotional today too. I'm so sorry for your pain and of course concerned that mine will be heavy when I'm where you're at. I've followed you through your rads as I've been expecting to start mine soon and was totally impressed with how you did. You're strong and amazing. I look forward to reading your postings when you start feeling much better. Hopefully that will be tomorrow. In the meantime; let those tears flow. They are powerful medicine. My thoughts and prayers to you and your family.

    Bob
  • kingcole42005
    kingcole42005 Member Posts: 178
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    I know exactly how you feel
    I just had surgery on 10/13 to remove my cancer from the floor of my mouth with a neck disection. I am in so much pain, but am embarrassed to ask my doctor for higher meds. I start radiation soon and am so scared. I cry and cry. I feel so alone as I'm sure you do. I want to be my old self with not a care in the world and this new world is terrifying and painful. Have you started any kind of counseling? I am calling myself tomorrow to set up an appointment because sometimes I feel I can't live with all this fear and pain. I hope you reach out and find some type of support group or something to help you. I am so sorry for all your going through and please know that your not alone.
  • Scambuster
    Scambuster Member Posts: 973
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    'J' curve
    Hi Kristyn,

    Yep, you are now in a horrible place, possibly the worst in the while series, emotionally for sure and then there is that pain. As Mick has so eloquently said, this phase will pass. You have a way to go to really feel that yet - but you need to take each day at a time, look for the bright patches that occassionally shine through. Some days there will be plenty, others, very few. But as each week passes, these sunny rays shining through the clouds will increase in frequency, until one day you realize that most of the day is good. The sunshine will replace the dark clouds.

    If you feel you need some extra support, and I certainly did, please talk to your Doctor.

    My 3 doctors and about 5 nurses stood around my bed - lost, & with fear in their eyes.(I was readmitted 10 days out of treatment..in very bad shape - that's about where you are now). It is a barren 'No Mans land'. I was lying there, a blithering mess, retching my guts out, in terrible pain and ready to ask for a way out. my condition was out of their league.

    Thankfully, they sent in a psychiatrist. We spoke, well he spoke, I blithered , for an hour or so. He prescribe a new regime of pain relief and anti-depression meds. Within a couple of days, I settled down, I was getting some sleep, and then I actually felt some improvement, the crying stopped, I could cope. It was the start of the long climb out Kristyn. This is your recovery, that is the turning point you now need to find. If you think you need some help, please ask for it, it can make a big difference to how fast you start to recover. Some of us handle this period better than others, I was the in the 'others' department.

    I can say looking back now, it was indeed a very dark time and we all feel your pain, no question of that, but know that it will be come good again. There is no similarity to what my life looked like then to what it is now. You will too get to look back on this time as a distant memory. Don't wait to make a call.

    Scam
  • charles55
    charles55 Member Posts: 87
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    the good news is this is the worst
    Kristyn, yes, I, and all of us went through this. Remember that radiation works in about a 10day to 2week lag. What you are getting hit with now is the effect of the last of the treatments. It will take a small time more to start to heal and get better, and then you start to climb out. You are so close. You are going to have so much to share with those that will follow and face this exact same thing. Don't give up now. There have never been enough good guys in the world.
    charles
  • ekdennie
    ekdennie Member Posts: 238 Member
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    I know exactly how you feel
    I just had surgery on 10/13 to remove my cancer from the floor of my mouth with a neck disection. I am in so much pain, but am embarrassed to ask my doctor for higher meds. I start radiation soon and am so scared. I cry and cry. I feel so alone as I'm sure you do. I want to be my old self with not a care in the world and this new world is terrifying and painful. Have you started any kind of counseling? I am calling myself tomorrow to set up an appointment because sometimes I feel I can't live with all this fear and pain. I hope you reach out and find some type of support group or something to help you. I am so sorry for all your going through and please know that your not alone.

    medication
    kingkole42005,
    don't be embarrassed about needing stronger pain meds. my doctor took one look at me and said that she could tell that the meds I was on were not strong enough...she was right...my pain had gotten so bad almost overnight. I wasn't sure if I should ask for something stronger and she looked me in the eye and said, you don't have to suffer so much or be so strong through this. when you have pain, you need to let me know. I now am on a good dose of morphine and although I wish I was still on something weaker, I am grateful to have less pain now. you are also not alone.
  • ekdennie
    ekdennie Member Posts: 238 Member
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    cry cry cry
    KristynRuth86
    I am not as far as you, I will have rad. treatment 26 of 30 in just a couple of hours, but I understand about missing food and not wanting to use my mouth or nose in any way that might hurt it. I have to numb my mouth in order to brush my teeth, I have to take my morphine and numb before I can even think about doing my jaw exercises. I am in a great deal of pain, but there is another way to look at your pain. the pain means your body is healing. it means your body is fighting. it means that you are getting stronger. cry as much as you need to...each time I am alone I am crying. my baby is almost 9 months old and I cry because of my pain. I cry because I am angry that this year of his life with me is not what I want, but I also cry tears of happiness that I am here to watch his milestones, that I know I will be annoying my kids for many more years.
    I am sending a giant HUG with this note as well as a small smile...hurts a bit...but it won't stop me from trying!
    elizabeth
  • Jimbo55
    Jimbo55 Member Posts: 590 Member
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    Kristyn
    Just know that you are not alone in this, we are all there with you, if not in body then in spirit. Stay strong Kristyn, you will win this battle. Cheers

    Jimbo