After Cancer.... Now What?

AnneCan

ktlcs said:

Forgive Me
I know you've all been through a lot..more than anyone should have to, and I pray you never have to again but..

A different perspective
I am not sick
I have my money
I have my memory
I do not pysically ache all over

The cancer took my husband..I have nothing

Good Perspective
Kathy,

I admire you so much + am grateful always that you are a part of this community. I am guessing your husband would be so proud of you; you are here regularly helping all of us. Take good care.

christinecarl

ktlcs said:

Forgive Me
I know you've all been through a lot..more than anyone should have to, and I pray you never have to again but..

A different perspective
I am not sick
I have my money
I have my memory
I do not pysically ache all over

The cancer took my husband..I have nothing

ktlcs
Wow your post really made me think. I am very sorry for your loss. If I were to rate the worst things that have ever happened to me in my life, my own cancer would come in 3rd place. Watching my mom die from colon cancer was a million times worse then anything I went through with my own colon cancer. I guess in part because when you are sick you think eventually your pain will end and you will be in Heaven, but when you lose someone you really love, your pain goes on forever. Or at least until you see them again in Heaven, which can feel like forever until that happens. I wish I could give you a hug. I was just thinking today, that I feel I have reached that point in my life where God starts taking more people away from me, then giving them to me. A sad time. My sincere sympathy to you. Stay strong my friend.

AnnaLeigh

Could it be..........?
Could our dilemma be caused by the loss, death and grief of our delusions about the process of life just when we thought we had it all figured out?

Our priorities have been turned upside down and we have viewed life from an angle not seen by many people. As someone so profoundly pointed out - "Cancer is like being chased through the jungle by a tiger. You know at some point the tiger will catch up to you and you will always be looking over your shoulder wondering where the tiger is lurking and how close he is to pouncing". Therefore it's not unusual that we would feel like outsiders or feel as if other people can't possibly understand how and why we have changed.

We were taught to believe that we could achieve anything in life if we focused our minds and worked hard; that being strong was the equivalent of not showing the emotions that come naturally to us as human beings; that complaining about our bodily aches and pains was a weakness; that the strong will prevail and the weak will get left behind; that we have options and choices about our future; that we have control over our destiny; and foremost - to never show fear.

And now my friends- we know for a fact - there is no such thing as control over our future. We can work as hard as we want and this does not guarantee success because our lives and futures can change in the blink of an eye; success or loved ones can be taken away in an instant; human bodies are fallible and will decline and yet society praises only the healthy, strong and virile while shunning the frail; being stricken with an illness is not a weakness of mind or a weakness of body; and no amount of gratitude or positive thinking will change the outcome of this disease (it can only bolster us to co-operate with treatment and help us keep plodding along).

Life on this earth is not predictable, and never has been, despite how much we have been taught to be goal oriented, grab life by the horns, or "go for the gold". There have always been dark clouds on the horizon that could easily turn into a life-changing event. We, as a society, have simply learned to ignore this possibility and have become so focused on achievements, instead of our connections to one another, that there has become a "disconnect" to ourselves as human spirits. Human spirits with the capacity to experience every conceivable emotional paradigm that has ever existed. Including fear and grief - the most avoided emotions of all since they are labeled as unworthy and weak.

Our journeys here on earth are not tidy little bundles to be organized, planned, scheduled and predicted. This is why so many of us find we have family members or friends who can't deal with the heartache of this disease. They are simply not ready to accept or deal with our new vision of life as being unpredictable or without personal power to fix every problem that comes our way simply by exhibiting the proper attitude or control. Let people spout their wisdom regarding "live for today" because we DO live for today - and today might include letting in our feelings of anxiety, hopelessness, fear, regret, and anger. After all, aren't these human emotions that every single person alive has felt at one time or another but are afraid to admit? Tomorrow may bring acceptance, bliss, peace, and serenity. But today is today and tomorrow is tomorrow.

We are human also and we have a right to feel any of these emotions. Each time we allow ourselves to feel them, instead of pushing them away, we also allow ourselves to be a little more connected with our new priorities and what is really important in life. Job titles, power struggles, gossip, superiority complexes, and materialistic attitudes don't register on our scale as being worthy of attention.

So yes, we have many things to be thankful for. We are thankful we no longer think there are simple answers to life's problems; we are thankful we finally see the world as it really exists and are not afraid to lift the veil of delusion; we are thankful to have felt the chasms of sadness and grief because it sharpens our ability to feel the abyss of love and compassion.

We ARE normal. It's the other people who are still living under societies delusions.

IMAO

dorookie

just4Brooks said:

Hi Beth.. I dont think it's
Hi Beth.. I dont think it's feeling sorry for our selfs. I think it's something else

Thanks Brooks
I just wish I knew what that something else is????

dorookie

maglets said:

sorry sorry sorry
you know today I thought....I will start a new thread...I will apologize for being weak and negative....but when i continue to read others posts....it gives me such comfort to know you are feeling the same things....

I do apologize anyway.... I have never made 2 years without another cancer....I am right ready to be tested....my liver surgeon isn`t hopeful...it`s been raining steadily for days...I get WEIRD and scared....I don`t think I am afraid to die....there is more to it than that and I am not wise enough to know what it is....is it constant threat

thank you to all who have responded. I too hate the LIve like You are Dying Song....I too am not sure how to live life to the fullest....I am not wise or enlightened.....

I thank you all for your response and pray that we not judge one another

mags

HUGS Mags
Dont apologize, you are so not alone....

HUGS
Beth

Sundanceh

maglets said:

sorry sorry sorry
you know today I thought....I will start a new thread...I will apologize for being weak and negative....but when i continue to read others posts....it gives me such comfort to know you are feeling the same things....

I do apologize anyway.... I have never made 2 years without another cancer....I am right ready to be tested....my liver surgeon isn`t hopeful...it`s been raining steadily for days...I get WEIRD and scared....I don`t think I am afraid to die....there is more to it than that and I am not wise enough to know what it is....is it constant threat

thank you to all who have responded. I too hate the LIve like You are Dying Song....I too am not sure how to live life to the fullest....I am not wise or enlightened.....

I thank you all for your response and pray that we not judge one another

mags

Fredericksburg Is Calling...
Dearest Maggie May

You are not a negative person - you are a person who is searching for the answers to a cancer life, plain and simple. You are certainly not weak - you told me that too one time.

Texas is calling you home, darlin'. You can have your summer home in Canada, and your winter home here in TX. Fredericksburg would suit you to a T.

I've got a great big ol' spot in my heart (and it's not cancer, LOL) just for you and we all care about you.

If we can't get our feelings out here without being pounced upon, there is literally nowhere else to do so. As you and Kimby told me when talking feelings, "Does not make you weak - it makes you strong."

Now, smile with me and as you also tell me "Take my hand."

Love/Craig

Lori-S

I just wanted to say
thank you all for sharing so openly about how this disease has affected you.

ron50

maglets said:

Ron
Ron if you are still on this thread,,,,could you please help me to understand what you mean by " it's only the depth that varies"

thanks mate,

mags

G'day Mags
Old aussie saying mate"I'm always in the S''t it's just the depth that varies" Ron.

maglets

ron50 said:

G'day Mags
Old aussie saying mate"I'm always in the S''t it's just the depth that varies" Ron.

G'day
G'day.....ron...You Aussies crack me up...gotta love that expression....hahaha

mags

maglets

Sundanceh said:

Fredericksburg Is Calling...
Dearest Maggie May

You are not a negative person - you are a person who is searching for the answers to a cancer life, plain and simple. You are certainly not weak - you told me that too one time.

Texas is calling you home, darlin'. You can have your summer home in Canada, and your winter home here in TX. Fredericksburg would suit you to a T.

I've got a great big ol' spot in my heart (and it's not cancer, LOL) just for you and we all care about you.

If we can't get our feelings out here without being pounced upon, there is literally nowhere else to do so. As you and Kimby told me when talking feelings, "Does not make you weak - it makes you strong."

Now, smile with me and as you also tell me "Take my hand."

Love/Craig

packing my bag
getting my bound for Texas bag out right now.....oh wait....just a few ct's, and radiologists and liver surgeons and onc first.....hahah

sure i can make by winter....got your hand....thanks Craig

maggie may

PhillieG

Life AC
I'm not at the "after cancer" part (yet) but from the get-go it's been a series of new normals that one has to get used to and accept (or not). Face it Brooks, most of our bodies have been through hell as far as multiple operations or ostomies go. I would imagine that if someone was a stage I that they could physically bounce back to being normal easier since the amount of treatment was most likely less than someone who is a stage IV.
Also, chemo is "chemical therapy" or controlled poisoning. It's bound to take it's toll on you/me/others...

pluckey

maglets said:

sorry sorry sorry
you know today I thought....I will start a new thread...I will apologize for being weak and negative....but when i continue to read others posts....it gives me such comfort to know you are feeling the same things....

I do apologize anyway.... I have never made 2 years without another cancer....I am right ready to be tested....my liver surgeon isn`t hopeful...it`s been raining steadily for days...I get WEIRD and scared....I don`t think I am afraid to die....there is more to it than that and I am not wise enough to know what it is....is it constant threat

thank you to all who have responded. I too hate the LIve like You are Dying Song....I too am not sure how to live life to the fullest....I am not wise or enlightened.....

I thank you all for your response and pray that we not judge one another

mags

thank you to all who have
thank you to all who have responded. I too hate the LIve like You are Dying Song....I too am not sure how to live life to the fullest....I am not wise or enlightened

That song drives me up a wall now. I think because it seems to be so trite, in light of all of our battles. The words and the sentiment seems hollow if you haven't walked the walk. Maybe because it's one thing to say live each day like it's your last, well hell, many of us have been in sooo much pain, it'd be a welcome relief! Knowing it's your "last day" wouldn't motivate me to be happy and carefree and wanting to do something on my bucket list, it would scare and depress the heck out of me, so that's probably why I HATE all those songs and sentiments and cliches that talk about living each day as if it's your last.

coloCan

PhillieG said:

Life AC
I'm not at the "after cancer" part (yet) but from the get-go it's been a series of new normals that one has to get used to and accept (or not). Face it Brooks, most of our bodies have been through hell as far as multiple operations or ostomies go. I would imagine that if someone was a stage I that they could physically bounce back to being normal easier since the amount of treatment was most likely less than someone who is a stage IV.
Also, chemo is "chemical therapy" or controlled poisoning. It's bound to take it's toll on you/me/others...

Weren;t the chemo, radiation, and surgeries we've endured or
continue to require, undertaken because we wanted to go on living? Life can never be the same as it had been before because something has been taken from each of us and for some, much more than from others and I'm not referring solely of the physical; the emotional,mental and "spiritual" aspects of ourselves have also been affected. Don't "Live Like You're Dying"; live like your living!!! Don't put additional stress or pressure into your life, do what you need to do to stay alive and then try to do what you enjoy.....Easier said than done at times.....I can't even fall asleep this date.....

glinka65

Buzzard said:

Yep..........
Hot Flashes and instant sweats
Tired most of the time(can take a 2-5 hr nap at any time)
Not much short term memory but also no concentration issues
Stiff, sore, and did I say stiff
neuropathy lots of sand between my pads of my feet
can't make any large scale money decisions -house,land,etc...
hate asking someone to help me
no bowel issues
constant over the shoulder thoughts
life is good right now but not knowing how long right now will last is a pisser
One of my main concerns is that it doesn't bother me anymore if I were to die (I am not giving up, it just seems to be a mute point for me anymore..and I hope that is a plus for me because the fear is just not there.....
intimacy is an issue
I am alive and I fought like hell to be alive.....just really not sure how much I am gonna continue to do to prevent it from taking over....I am seriously thinking about quality of life issues....I am alive and the only reason now is for my family...I hate cancer, I hate chemo, and I hate to see families suffering because of it...sorry bout the vent...not done but I'll end for now.......Buzz

buzzard
you hit it on the head every time bud!!!!! you type what i think and i thank you!!!!

herdizziness

New at it
Am I still so new at this? It's been 7 months, and yet I still want to wake up and find this some sort of weird nightmare. It is truly, a nightmare that has invaded my days, my life. Surely this can't be real. Every trip to the onc, to ct scan, to oncology for chemo treatments must be a nightmare that somehow I endure. I just wish I could wake up and be normal again.

AnneCan

maglets said:

packing my bag
getting my bound for Texas bag out right now.....oh wait....just a few ct's, and radiologists and liver surgeons and onc first.....hahah

sure i can make by winter....got your hand....thanks Craig

maggie may

mags
You cannot be thinking of leaving me here in the cold while basking in the Texas sunshine - can you?

maglets

AnneCan said:

mags
You cannot be thinking of leaving me here in the cold while basking in the Texas sunshine - can you?

what was I even thinking
of course my darling girl I won't leave you. We will lump along in red Olympic left over mittens, sorels, toques and balaclavas, goggles for really snowie days....parkas snow pants and block heaters on the car

haha I'll stick with you kiddo

maggie

tiny one

Life after treatment
I am a 3 year cancer survivor. Was diagnosed in Feb 2007, last chemo treatment Halloween, 2007. Due to the radiation I received and my ileostomy reversal, I deal with bathroom frequency each day. I wasted many months thinking about the what if's. What if the cancer comes back, what if I always have this pain, body image, then the worries about the CAT scans, colonoscopies, sigmoidoscopies. I had alot of counseling, went to group sessions, still had dark days. I went on Prozac, and began to think differently. Basically I now focus on who can I help today, what do I want to achieve today. I tell myself each day how good I feel, I do not let my body take charge and allow it to focus on how bad it feels. This takes discipline, but the more we give of ourselves and focus on others the easier it becomes. I chose not to focus on cancer anymore but living my life each day doing the things I love to do.

KathiM

herdizziness said:

New at it
Am I still so new at this? It's been 7 months, and yet I still want to wake up and find this some sort of weird nightmare. It is truly, a nightmare that has invaded my days, my life. Surely this can't be real. Every trip to the onc, to ct scan, to oncology for chemo treatments must be a nightmare that somehow I endure. I just wish I could wake up and be normal again.

See, that's my point.....(a bit of tough love)....
You can't go back. All you can do is go forward. And, after all the battles and hard work to STAY alive, why would you not LIVE alive!!!!! The sooner you accept, and stop mourning what you have 'lost', the sooner you will find that life STILL has much to OFFER!!!!

And if you think I don't understand...well...a short summary of my experience: 2x cancers, both in the lymph system. I lost my rectum and sigmoid colon, had a new storage pouch fashioned from my descending colon. I must always caution people who mess with my abdomen, because my colon now goes diagonal across...NO massages for me. I have diet issues, and don't eat much if there is not a 'good' toilet nearby. I have continuing pain and weakness in my left hip, where the rads went thru to shrink the tumor. With the breast cancer that followed, I was spared with a lumpectomy, but the nodes were positive, so my left arm cannot be used for anything heavy, for fear of lymphodema, a swelling condition that, once started, will continue for my life. I became lactose intollerant from the chemo. I have permanent heart damage also from the chemo. I have permanent lung damage from the rads to my breast. Because I have had 2 primary cancers, I cannot change my insurance ('uninsurable'), ever...so my premiums are over $700.00 per month...and rise every 6 months or so.

All that said, I REFUSE to stop living!!!! I wake in the morning, happy to wake in the morning. Yes, I DO have my dark days, but even non-cancer patients have dark days. I'm living larger now because, eventually, one or both of my cancers will return...and the breast cancer, from what I am seeing, returns with a vengence and I will not survive. I want to be laying in my hospital bed, having good memories of what I have done...not regretting what I haven't done...

Sorry to vent, but, again, my fav prayer says it all, and bears repeating: God, give me the strength to change the things I can change, the patience to accept the things I can't change, and the wisdom to know the difference between...

BIG hugs, Kathi

k1

Yes, all of it, plus grief
Yes, all of it you describe one year past my own dx and surgery. Plus had two sick parents in the middle of all of it and one of them died in spring only in her 60s despite our best efforts and my taking leave from job. So grief over loss of loved one on top of all the other stuff you describe -- no energy, chronic pain and fatigue, now no job, no money, medical bills I can't pay, dental work to repair teeth out of question at present. I'm having all my one year post-op CT scan, which I also cannot afford, next week, and do not know how I will cope if there's any bad news.