After Cancer.... Now What?
Comments
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Hi Beth.. I dont think it'sdorookie said:I hear ya
I am so glad I am not the only one who is going through stuff like this. I was so feeling like I was crazy or something. I guess I have to figure out what my New Life is going to be like. Maybe I just need to stop feeling sorry for myself and get off my arzz and start living. Again easier said than done....
HUGS
Beth
Hi Beth.. I dont think it's feeling sorry for our selfs. I think it's something else0 -
Not Negative but One's Own Realityjust4Brooks said:By no means I'm I complaining
Just wanted to know if I was the only one with what seems to be so many problems. Hell yes I'm happy to be alive to kick some more butt and help the others fight!! Need to spend a day with Kerry and knock something down or maybe drive over a car. Gotta love each and every one of you.
Brooks
Very interesting responses on this thread...love to read everyone's perspective on this subject.
I don't see the responses as Negative, but rather as one of self-reflection and getting in touch with how one really feels.
And during the journey when you are in battle, things always look their darkest than when you've walked across the other side and can look back and reflect on what happened, what you did and what you've become.
Attitudes and opinions change also - this is especially true the longer the journey continues. I see things much differently in Year 6 than I did in my first year.
And the generations we were born into certainly make a difference...different times made different people. As men, we are programmed to be hard core and show no emotion and just show toughness and hardness. I can certainly be as hard as anyone and talk chit all day long. But for me, it's been important to take a look at myself and realize that I have feelings as well on a different level and am able to acknowledge that publically and I don't feel it makes me any less of a man or a fighter.
Enough years have gone by that I am now slowly seeing the reality of how things are and how they might turn out to be - I still have to work for a living and that takes alot of quality time off the table. I seem to fight Cancer and then return to work. Sometimes, that seems fruitless and not self-fulfilling but I gotta' keep cornbread on the table and the lightbulbs plugged in, or we've really got problems.
I wish I could just walk away, fight my fight and then spend the rest of my life helping others and make more contributions to society with the days I've been provided. In and around work, I have been doing this.
I think that once we get through this, we think things might go easier on us, but we know that is not the case. We have to fight very hard to get back to where we were - which is where the normal folks are living - our days are just a little more challenging than your average bear, as Yogi Bear used to say.
To answer your questions Brooks - what do we do After? We just get up and go after it again, for it's the hope of another day that is like the carrot on the stick, ever leading us forward, in hopes of better times.
And in and around all of this, we get a good slice of life in whatever form - we savor and enjoy it and then we get back to the business at hand.
-Craig0 -
Put it so well!pluckey said:Brooks
I'm struggling very
Brooks
I'm struggling very much with the "after cancer"
Physically, very minor complaints - turning into a lardazz and my concentration issues and hot flashes.
Mentally, a whole other story. I cry all the time. I am in a constant state of panic, mostly because of Money, bills, etc...that stress alone is sending me over the edge
As a result, I feel guilty and horrible for not being all love and light and positive and perky for the miracle that i am. I feel like I'm letting down all the people that cared for me, prayed for me, cried for me, etc..by not being this saintly happy person.
During some of the darkest times of my illness, I was overwhelmed by the love and goodness that carried me through it. I really felt I was in a state of Grace.
Now, I feel like a bitchy middle-aged dump of a schlump who is now poor. I hate being like this.
I so badly need to find my way and I don't know how to do it.
I made an appointment at a local Cancer Support Center with a counselor....she mentioned that it's like we're experienceing Post Traumatic Distress Syndrome....
Anyways, I hope you find your way too, Brooks. When you think of all of us who have fought/are fighting so hard, I feel like I owe it to all of you and those around me to live well and be a role model of After Cancer...KWIM?? (know what I mean?)
Peggy
Peggy,
You put is so well. I want to be up, I am very grateful-yet-well you must know how we feel.
But how can we be a role model if we don't even know what we should feel like.
I still get angry, I am afraid, I still have phycisal issues and more are popping up each day. I don't want to go back and be the same person I was before, yet that is exactly who I want to be-but I don't even remember who that was.
A friend who has survived Hodgkins and got her 10 year diploma and now battles breat cancer said the first year after treatment is the worst, then gradually it gets better. I want "it" to be better now because I am affraid I will waste my time I have. But what is "it".
I do wonder when will the clouds clear and I get to play in the sun again.
Thanks for the post Brooks, and thanks Peggy for your honesty.
Jan0 -
Craig, Write that book,Sundanceh said:Not Negative but One's Own Reality
Very interesting responses on this thread...love to read everyone's perspective on this subject.
I don't see the responses as Negative, but rather as one of self-reflection and getting in touch with how one really feels.
And during the journey when you are in battle, things always look their darkest than when you've walked across the other side and can look back and reflect on what happened, what you did and what you've become.
Attitudes and opinions change also - this is especially true the longer the journey continues. I see things much differently in Year 6 than I did in my first year.
And the generations we were born into certainly make a difference...different times made different people. As men, we are programmed to be hard core and show no emotion and just show toughness and hardness. I can certainly be as hard as anyone and talk chit all day long. But for me, it's been important to take a look at myself and realize that I have feelings as well on a different level and am able to acknowledge that publically and I don't feel it makes me any less of a man or a fighter.
Enough years have gone by that I am now slowly seeing the reality of how things are and how they might turn out to be - I still have to work for a living and that takes alot of quality time off the table. I seem to fight Cancer and then return to work. Sometimes, that seems fruitless and not self-fulfilling but I gotta' keep cornbread on the table and the lightbulbs plugged in, or we've really got problems.
I wish I could just walk away, fight my fight and then spend the rest of my life helping others and make more contributions to society with the days I've been provided. In and around work, I have been doing this.
I think that once we get through this, we think things might go easier on us, but we know that is not the case. We have to fight very hard to get back to where we were - which is where the normal folks are living - our days are just a little more challenging than your average bear, as Yogi Bear used to say.
To answer your questions Brooks - what do we do After? We just get up and go after it again, for it's the hope of another day that is like the carrot on the stick, ever leading us forward, in hopes of better times.
And in and around all of this, we get a good slice of life in whatever form - we savor and enjoy it and then we get back to the business at hand.
-Craig
make your millions + you can do whatever you want.0 -
Tonka TruckKerry S said:You know, I started to write a reply to this post with the same tone you all have. Then I got mad at myself for the negative thinking and erased it. Please don’t take that statement in the wrong way. Venting is good. Just not for me today.
Does this cancer crap suck. Hell yes! But today I got the tractor out of the barn. I took a dead 25 foot evergreen in the back yard and just pushed the damn thing over and up out of the ground. Then filled the tractor bucket with dirt and filled the hole where the tree was. Damn, big boy Tonka toys are fun.
Maybe because I am already a mostly dead old guy, I just look at it different than you younger folks. From family history I should only make it to mid 70s anyway. Hell, with this crap I have been rode hard and put away wet. I’m sure it’s already taken a few years off my final score.
I believe in an after life and I have gotten to the point that if I die from this crap I win.
If I continue to do well with it and croak of something else I win. I also give myself the option to take myself out any time I want to. I have never even come close to the 3rd option. For me it is important that option is there. It makes me feel in control not the damn cancer. I have 17 years of retirement under my belt, so I figure I am ahead in the game of life.
I do know that once I get reconnected, I am going to make every doc answer “whats it buy me and what is it going to cost me in money, time and pain” to every damn treatment they want to do to me. Yep, quality of life is going to be my main point of view.
Kerry
I need a tonka truck, but Mr Handsome would probably not let me drive it!!! And I don't live in a log cabin-mansion house or have enough dirt to push over my dead peach tree. But I do have some dirt and I do have a plastic trash can (thanks to recommendations from Buzzard) so I will kick the trash can clear across the yard!!!
You all are the greatest!
Jan0 -
Yep, yep....me tooAnneCan said:Craig, Write that book,
make your millions + you can do whatever you want.
Yep, and ever since I stopped working I feel worse
My feet hurt
My hands, arms and shoulders hurt
My stomach is bloated
I have gas, that my 2 year old grand daughter says "poochi Nana," as she hold her nose. Dang Papa!
My short term memory is now horrible
My tummy is sore, can't just sit up anymore, or get up easily.
My back hurts.
I am stiff, and my eye sight sucks. I cough all night and can't sleep.
The only thing holding up is my face.
But, I am glad to be alive!0 -
After cancer
Heck, I just want to say "after cancer" and have it be about me.0 -
Forgive Meron50 said:It's only the depth that varies.
Long term survival summed up in six words.......Ron.
I know you've all been through a lot..more than anyone should have to, and I pray you never have to again but..
A different perspective
I am not sick
I have my money
I have my memory
I do not pysically ache all over
The cancer took my husband..I have nothing0 -
Thank you allktlcs said:Forgive Me
I know you've all been through a lot..more than anyone should have to, and I pray you never have to again but..
A different perspective
I am not sick
I have my money
I have my memory
I do not pysically ache all over
The cancer took my husband..I have nothing
this has been a helpfull thread for me, because sometimes you think you are the only one feeling this way. I also wrote a long reply yesterday, erased it and read the new thoughts today and the one from ktlcs hit home the most, what if I lost my spouse, child, grandchild, that would be the worst, more than my mortality. So thanks, that put it back in perspective for me. Also, I just think our ages have something to do with how we handle this horror, I would probably be reacting different if I were 40 and not 67. I will handle the pain in my side, dr. appointments today, colonoscopy next month, 6 month c scans and onc appoint end of Oct. much better for reading your thoughts, Thanks again. Pat0 -
6 years this Thanksgiving...3 words....
(Oh, no it's that dammed perky broad again!!!!)
I was told, at that point, I had 6 months to live....
Yes, there are many physical changes I still deal with (sorry, y'all, but it's true). Some days, knowing that I'm going to pay, I indulge in a 'sin' food...yogurt, a big frosty glass of milk.
My 'key to happiness' is acceptance. And knowing when and where I can push the envelope. (At Sail Amsterdam, I was on a small tug boat, with a smaller toilet, and on the water for 5 hours. I nibbled stuff, but didn't eat much...didn't want to have a problem).
My fav expression, and mantra on those days I hate all that has happened to me, is 'It is what it is'. Living, even with my 'quirks', is better than the alternative...
In the 6 years since hearing those words, I have met many wonderful (and some not so wonderful) people. I have had to say goodbye to my daughter, my ex-, my beau's mom and dad. I became caregiver to my beau as he lay dying in the hospital from a bad heart and bad medicine. I am now having to deal with my mom's safety, she can no longer live alone.
BUT, I have seen grand things, and things that bring joy to my soul. I have met many warriors, as well as movers and shakers. In the final analysis yes, it truely IS 'All about me'!!!!
BIG hugs to all of you....special hugs for those of you that are struggling...attend a Colonpalooza one time...you will be so inspired!!!!
Hugs, Kathi0 -
RonKathiM said:6 years this Thanksgiving...3 words....
(Oh, no it's that dammed perky broad again!!!!)
I was told, at that point, I had 6 months to live....
Yes, there are many physical changes I still deal with (sorry, y'all, but it's true). Some days, knowing that I'm going to pay, I indulge in a 'sin' food...yogurt, a big frosty glass of milk.
My 'key to happiness' is acceptance. And knowing when and where I can push the envelope. (At Sail Amsterdam, I was on a small tug boat, with a smaller toilet, and on the water for 5 hours. I nibbled stuff, but didn't eat much...didn't want to have a problem).
My fav expression, and mantra on those days I hate all that has happened to me, is 'It is what it is'. Living, even with my 'quirks', is better than the alternative...
In the 6 years since hearing those words, I have met many wonderful (and some not so wonderful) people. I have had to say goodbye to my daughter, my ex-, my beau's mom and dad. I became caregiver to my beau as he lay dying in the hospital from a bad heart and bad medicine. I am now having to deal with my mom's safety, she can no longer live alone.
BUT, I have seen grand things, and things that bring joy to my soul. I have met many warriors, as well as movers and shakers. In the final analysis yes, it truely IS 'All about me'!!!!
BIG hugs to all of you....special hugs for those of you that are struggling...attend a Colonpalooza one time...you will be so inspired!!!!
Hugs, Kathi
Ron if you are still on this thread,,,,could you please help me to understand what you mean by " it's only the depth that varies"
thanks mate,
mags0 -
After Cancer
Yes I do, I just figured I should keep my mouth shut and be happy. My 1 year check in April was good, colonoscopy found small polyp, removed and blood work ok. I don't go back for 6 months.
But,
Fatigue, neuropathy, weight problems, short term memory problems, bowel problems, and just feel down. This posting has helped me, just to know I'm not alone. I don't post much, but I do read almost every day. There are so many people worse off than me, so why do I feel the way I do? As you, I do thank God I'm cancer free for now, but man, some days are hard.
Dave0 -
me too - still.
Hi there,
I was diagnosed over 8 years ago and have been NED for almost 6 years. I still deal with what I believe to be PTSD. It has affected how I act and what I am willing to put up with (very little). I am often depressed and sometimes I am angry. I know that I should be grateful for every day that I am fortunate enough to have on this earth, and I am for the most part. However, I still do sweat the small stuff (too much). A lot of people say that after a cancer diagnosis they are able to put things into perspective and "not sweat the small stuff" and "live life to the fullest", etc. etc. I don't think that my cancer diagnosis changed any of these things. Life goes on, we still have to deal with the same B.S. we dealt with before (like work for example). Some days I really get out there and seize the day...but I still sit on my butt on some sunny days, etc.
When I look back on it now it seems like a time warp. Like I woke up all of a sudden one day and I was 40, not 30. I am most grateful to be alive and know that the odds were very bad to say the least. I still deal with some things though (watery eye from 5-FU, pooping more than the average bear, anxiety, OCD). Now I feel like I am just rambling, but what I am trying to say is that it isn't all roses and although my perspective has changed and I am doing all the things that I did before, I know I can never go back to the carefree existence that I led before I had cancer. However, I am moving on, slowly but surely.
-Susan H.0 -
sorryktlcs said:Forgive Me
I know you've all been through a lot..more than anyone should have to, and I pray you never have to again but..
A different perspective
I am not sick
I have my money
I have my memory
I do not pysically ache all over
The cancer took my husband..I have nothing
I just wanted to say that I am very sorry for your pain. I know that my husband means the world to me and helped me so much throughout my struggle with "the beast". I am sure your husband felt the same way and was very grateful to have you. So, you have that..You made a difference in his life. I hope things get easier for you as time goes by.0 -
sorry sorry sorryshmurciakova said:me too - still.
Hi there,
I was diagnosed over 8 years ago and have been NED for almost 6 years. I still deal with what I believe to be PTSD. It has affected how I act and what I am willing to put up with (very little). I am often depressed and sometimes I am angry. I know that I should be grateful for every day that I am fortunate enough to have on this earth, and I am for the most part. However, I still do sweat the small stuff (too much). A lot of people say that after a cancer diagnosis they are able to put things into perspective and "not sweat the small stuff" and "live life to the fullest", etc. etc. I don't think that my cancer diagnosis changed any of these things. Life goes on, we still have to deal with the same B.S. we dealt with before (like work for example). Some days I really get out there and seize the day...but I still sit on my butt on some sunny days, etc.
When I look back on it now it seems like a time warp. Like I woke up all of a sudden one day and I was 40, not 30. I am most grateful to be alive and know that the odds were very bad to say the least. I still deal with some things though (watery eye from 5-FU, pooping more than the average bear, anxiety, OCD). Now I feel like I am just rambling, but what I am trying to say is that it isn't all roses and although my perspective has changed and I am doing all the things that I did before, I know I can never go back to the carefree existence that I led before I had cancer. However, I am moving on, slowly but surely.
-Susan H.
you know today I thought....I will start a new thread...I will apologize for being weak and negative....but when i continue to read others posts....it gives me such comfort to know you are feeling the same things....
I do apologize anyway.... I have never made 2 years without another cancer....I am right ready to be tested....my liver surgeon isn`t hopeful...it`s been raining steadily for days...I get WEIRD and scared....I don`t think I am afraid to die....there is more to it than that and I am not wise enough to know what it is....is it constant threat
thank you to all who have responded. I too hate the LIve like You are Dying Song....I too am not sure how to live life to the fullest....I am not wise or enlightened.....
I thank you all for your response and pray that we not judge one another
mags0 -
Happy/Sad Ashamed/ProudSundanceh said:Not Negative but One's Own Reality
Very interesting responses on this thread...love to read everyone's perspective on this subject.
I don't see the responses as Negative, but rather as one of self-reflection and getting in touch with how one really feels.
And during the journey when you are in battle, things always look their darkest than when you've walked across the other side and can look back and reflect on what happened, what you did and what you've become.
Attitudes and opinions change also - this is especially true the longer the journey continues. I see things much differently in Year 6 than I did in my first year.
And the generations we were born into certainly make a difference...different times made different people. As men, we are programmed to be hard core and show no emotion and just show toughness and hardness. I can certainly be as hard as anyone and talk chit all day long. But for me, it's been important to take a look at myself and realize that I have feelings as well on a different level and am able to acknowledge that publically and I don't feel it makes me any less of a man or a fighter.
Enough years have gone by that I am now slowly seeing the reality of how things are and how they might turn out to be - I still have to work for a living and that takes alot of quality time off the table. I seem to fight Cancer and then return to work. Sometimes, that seems fruitless and not self-fulfilling but I gotta' keep cornbread on the table and the lightbulbs plugged in, or we've really got problems.
I wish I could just walk away, fight my fight and then spend the rest of my life helping others and make more contributions to society with the days I've been provided. In and around work, I have been doing this.
I think that once we get through this, we think things might go easier on us, but we know that is not the case. We have to fight very hard to get back to where we were - which is where the normal folks are living - our days are just a little more challenging than your average bear, as Yogi Bear used to say.
To answer your questions Brooks - what do we do After? We just get up and go after it again, for it's the hope of another day that is like the carrot on the stick, ever leading us forward, in hopes of better times.
And in and around all of this, we get a good slice of life in whatever form - we savor and enjoy it and then we get back to the business at hand.
-Craig
Yes all those emotions run through us and we get to ride the ups and downs and hopefully we mostly respond rather than react.
Craig
"spend the rest of my life helping others and make more contributions to society with the days I've been provided. In and around work, I have been doing this."
you have helped me lots, and others here to, and mnay I haven't met, so you are fulfilling your calling to help. Thank you
Kerry
Gonna hook up the brush hog when I heal some more after the port placement today and cut swaths of weeds and sagebrush. So satisfying!
all the best, Leslie0 -
double postSundanceh said:Not Negative but One's Own Reality
Very interesting responses on this thread...love to read everyone's perspective on this subject.
I don't see the responses as Negative, but rather as one of self-reflection and getting in touch with how one really feels.
And during the journey when you are in battle, things always look their darkest than when you've walked across the other side and can look back and reflect on what happened, what you did and what you've become.
Attitudes and opinions change also - this is especially true the longer the journey continues. I see things much differently in Year 6 than I did in my first year.
And the generations we were born into certainly make a difference...different times made different people. As men, we are programmed to be hard core and show no emotion and just show toughness and hardness. I can certainly be as hard as anyone and talk chit all day long. But for me, it's been important to take a look at myself and realize that I have feelings as well on a different level and am able to acknowledge that publically and I don't feel it makes me any less of a man or a fighter.
Enough years have gone by that I am now slowly seeing the reality of how things are and how they might turn out to be - I still have to work for a living and that takes alot of quality time off the table. I seem to fight Cancer and then return to work. Sometimes, that seems fruitless and not self-fulfilling but I gotta' keep cornbread on the table and the lightbulbs plugged in, or we've really got problems.
I wish I could just walk away, fight my fight and then spend the rest of my life helping others and make more contributions to society with the days I've been provided. In and around work, I have been doing this.
I think that once we get through this, we think things might go easier on us, but we know that is not the case. We have to fight very hard to get back to where we were - which is where the normal folks are living - our days are just a little more challenging than your average bear, as Yogi Bear used to say.
To answer your questions Brooks - what do we do After? We just get up and go after it again, for it's the hope of another day that is like the carrot on the stick, ever leading us forward, in hopes of better times.
And in and around all of this, we get a good slice of life in whatever form - we savor and enjoy it and then we get back to the business at hand.
-Craig
must be the percocet....:-)0
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