My daughter is a spoiled ...., anyone have any advise

Angie2U

chenheart said:

Ahhhhhhhh, sweet Meena, my
Ahhhhhhhh, sweet Meena, my fellow warrior. My ♥ is soooo with you! My feeling is that you are "simply" venting~ which you have the right and need to do! At this point in your life, I honestly don't know if you have either the physical or emotional strength to re-train a 20 year old! There is no need to play the blame-game, or have a do-over, a what-if, or even an I wish. It seems unlikely that she is going to have a lightbulb moment any time soon and simply become a compassionate young woman.

So...YOU are going to have to take care of Meena! With your husband by your side,of course. I would not be at your daughter's beck and call~ when she whines or calls and "needs" something from the store, simply be unavailable. This is not the time to get yourself riled up even further. Take a deep breath and simply say "Sorry hon, I can't". No need to say why ( it should be obvious) or that you wish you could , or that you'll do it later. Just, NO. She may be inconvenienced, but she will truly get over it and take care of it herself. If it is something she needs/wants bad enough. If she were a minor child, or in some way disabled, that would be a different story. But she isn't, is she? As you admitted, what she is is spoiled.

I am a great one for putting shoes on the other foot. So, Kindred Spirit, pretend YOU were reading this as a question from another one of our pink warriors...what advice would you give?

As long as your daughter is just being a brat and whiney, but can do things for herself, I suggest you have to ignore it~ if you know she is not going to do things for you, don't ask her to or assume she will! You will only get more discouraged and disheartened. And you already know that she can push your buttons. Don't let it happen! Take care of YOU!

Here's my mantra: Be Stronger Than, Not Angry At. Negative emotions zap strength, and you need strength to fight this beast.

My ♥ is soooo with you. We are connected in doing battle. Perhaps now is a good time to get some Positive Imagery CDs and learn to focus on Meena while of course still loving and caring for your family. Just to get things in a better balance...

Hugs,
Chen♥

Meena
Did you have a talk with your daughter yet?


I wanted to post this saying.

I saw it and thought it was perfect for all of us fighting bc.

" Worry does not empty tomorrow of its troubles, it empties today of its strength. "


Like it? I hope so!


Now take care of you and have a great day!


Hugs, Angie

chenheart

Angie2U said:

Meena
Did you have a talk with your daughter yet?


I wanted to post this saying.

I saw it and thought it was perfect for all of us fighting bc.

" Worry does not empty tomorrow of its troubles, it empties today of its strength. "


Like it? I hope so!


Now take care of you and have a great day!


Hugs, Angie

I don't just like it, Angie,
I don't just like it, Angie, I LOVE it! Thanks for that!

Hugs,
♥

MyTurnNow

Meena, I have to agree with
Meena, I have to agree with Chen. You need to save your strength fighting the good fight you have before you. There isn't enought time to "change" the habits of your daughter in the near future. Hopefully, as she goes through this "fight" with you she can learn some compassion and gain some understanding of exactly what you are going through. Get some earplugs and put yourself in whatever situation suits YOU and fight like a girl!! We're all here to get you through it!!

mariam_11_09

I have a 10 almost 11 year


I have a 10 almost 11 year old daughter. Half your daughter's age with boat loads of attitude and like you have often given in to her than put up with the drama and tantrums. I have done my best not to distrupt her life with my cancer treatment and each time after chemo when I was at my lowest she became pretty abusive. I am not exaggerating. She berated me for not cleaning up the kitchen, not having dinner ready, not putting out the garbage, for messing up her life, not doing enough for her .....I am a single mom working fulltime during chemo!!

I really put my foot down and have had reiterate that I have a life threatening disease and need her to be a little more compassionate and understanding of the situation. I also became a little more 'selfish' taking time for myself, saying no and pointing out how unreasonable her tantrums are and again repeatedly pointing out I have a life threatening disease.

Well, she still doesn't put out the garbage or clean up in the kitchen but she does make her own dinner and shows me much more compassion even in the face of her friends. Dropping the attitude is a huge start, makes her more open to listening and us closer. However this has taken me 4 rounds of AC and 4 of Taxol (total of 4 months) for this to sink in.

It just takes time and for you to stand your ground. It will also make her a more compassionate person and your relationship with her closer.

I wish you well and am sorry you have to go through this.

Balentine

MyTurnNow said:

Meena, I have to agree with
Meena, I have to agree with Chen. You need to save your strength fighting the good fight you have before you. There isn't enought time to "change" the habits of your daughter in the near future. Hopefully, as she goes through this "fight" with you she can learn some compassion and gain some understanding of exactly what you are going through. Get some earplugs and put yourself in whatever situation suits YOU and fight like a girl!! We're all here to get you through it!!

It is called Narcism
Altough I may not have spelled it correctly. I have one of those too...a 20 year old boy...only child. He grew up an athlete to make things worse. We focussed on his athletics all his life....baseball, football and basketball and we created a monster. Sometimes as young parents we don't see things the way we should so we just do the best we can. He right now has a full football scholarship at the University of Southern Mississippi so that is great. However, the other life skills that he desperately needed were not taught to him. For example....learning compassion, humility, selflessness, etc...only comes from raising a child from a young age to be around and learn to help those less fortunate. When I recently went to the Relay for Life here, my co-workers sponsored me and raised alot of money in my honor. Well, that evening several of them came out with their young children which amazed me and made me think back on the days when my son was that age...we were at the ballpark watiching his practices and games and when he didn't have practice or games, we still took him to the ballpark and practiced with him...it was always 'all about him'. Anyway, these young kids at the relay set up a tent and did face paintings and sold drinks and snacks and helped raise money for a cause. I NEVER did this with my son and this is just one example. Others might be going to nursing homes or helping with other charities to raise that awareness in them that there are other people out here in desperate situations and you can and should help them. We live and learn Meena. I am just lucky that my son is 10 hours away and I don't have to deal with his mouth and attitude all the time like you do and I am so sorry for this because I know exactly what you are going through and it hurts us as mothers that we feel we missed something somewhere along the way. Please don't beat yourself up over this....we did what we knew to do and that is all we can do at the time. Try not to go through the regrets and guilt trips that we as mothers do. I agree though that since she is working, she needs to be paying some bills with her income. Sit down with her and make a budget of all her bills and look at her income and see which bills she can contribute to and little by little she will be forced to seek a better job to eventually pay all her bills but you have to use some tough love and get her started on paying some of her bills. With my son, since he has a full scholarship and plays football, he does not have the time to work now so it will take him much longer to eventually learn this lesson unfortunately. I am just hoping for all our sakes that he makes it to the next level and goes pro so he does not have to worry about money but then we will have to hope he allows one of us to help him handle that money and teach him about a budget and investing and saving, etc. Once they are grown they have to be pushed from the nest in order to survive. As hard as it is for us to let go, we have to because we won't be here forever and it is crucial for their success in life.
Lorrie

meena1

mariam_11_09 said:

I have a 10 almost 11 year


I have a 10 almost 11 year old daughter. Half your daughter's age with boat loads of attitude and like you have often given in to her than put up with the drama and tantrums. I have done my best not to distrupt her life with my cancer treatment and each time after chemo when I was at my lowest she became pretty abusive. I am not exaggerating. She berated me for not cleaning up the kitchen, not having dinner ready, not putting out the garbage, for messing up her life, not doing enough for her .....I am a single mom working fulltime during chemo!!

I really put my foot down and have had reiterate that I have a life threatening disease and need her to be a little more compassionate and understanding of the situation. I also became a little more 'selfish' taking time for myself, saying no and pointing out how unreasonable her tantrums are and again repeatedly pointing out I have a life threatening disease.

Well, she still doesn't put out the garbage or clean up in the kitchen but she does make her own dinner and shows me much more compassion even in the face of her friends. Dropping the attitude is a huge start, makes her more open to listening and us closer. However this has taken me 4 rounds of AC and 4 of Taxol (total of 4 months) for this to sink in.

It just takes time and for you to stand your ground. It will also make her a more compassionate person and your relationship with her closer.

I wish you well and am sorry you have to go through this.

Mariam, I just agreed with
Mariam, I just agreed with you on my other post about feeling something was going to happen. And now we have this in common! I guess this is my day for venting. I do have some anger issues right now due to this reoccurence, maybe if i get some good news. i will feel better

Bella Luna

Dear Meena,
I am sorry to
Dear Meena,

I am sorry to hear you are having a difficult time with your daughter. You have received lots of good advice from your Sisters in Pink. If I may, I have a word or two to say also. Sweet Meena... it's about You right now. Your daughter is an adult and can do for herself.

Focus your energies on your recovery. It's a hard road and you need to reserve your strength to prepare for what lies ahead. I am glad your husband is right by your side. Be good to yourself, pamper yourself... you more than deserve it.

God's blessings to you. I will say a prayer for you dear Meena.
BL

New Flower

Kylez said:

Ofcourse it is the mom in
Ofcourse it is the mom in you that keeps enabling her. But, now is the time Meena to put a stop to it. She is an adult! You need to just focus on YOU! She should be able to fend, if that is a word, for herself.


I am sorry that you haven't had a lot of support and help from others. You are such a good, kind soul that you deserve it.

I am glad if any of us can help you in anyway.

Sorry Meena
It is never too late to say NO. You have gotten good advices. Please focus on yourself. Your husband is helping you and supporting you. The best thing you can do for your daughter is to stop financially and physically help her. She need to grow up.
I am really sorry that you have to deal with this issue now.
Hugs,
New Flower

Ritzy

meena1 said:

Mariam, I just agreed with
Mariam, I just agreed with you on my other post about feeling something was going to happen. And now we have this in common! I guess this is my day for venting. I do have some anger issues right now due to this reoccurence, maybe if i get some good news. i will feel better

I am praying that you get
I am praying that you get some good news Meena! You certainly deserve it!


Sue