Mother deciding she wants back in my life after she found out.

Cindy Ann

Kat11 said:

Sounds like your already
Sounds like your already feeling better. It's sad to say , but it is her loss. My husbands parents were like that. They really never knew my children. They never seemed to care about my husband at all. Not as a child and it followed through his life until they died. Now this is going to sound terrible, but now that there dead, they can't hurt him anymore. I don't get it

The card came today
I got the card today in the mail from Mom.It came earlier then I expected. I have not felt such anxiety since I was told I had breast cancer.My teeth even started aching.. Not a good sign to me. I opened it. It really said nothing more then she is doing good and if I want to talk I can call her. It included her new phone number. Which all you know she will change at the wrong word from me. I am torn. I cannot have her in my life right now. I cannot be there for her and I don't want her here for me. Seeing her handwriting threw me into a tail spin. I felt light headed and sick.You think your prepared but your not. I called my oldest trusted aunt. Her advice was to call her and make it short. Thank her for the card then let her speak (only a short time) then tell her I have to go.She feels Mom only wants to ease her own guilt and if I do that she will leave me alone. I don't feel this will work. I have forgiven her but I cannot forget her acts against me or her hateful words. (I am seeing my old therapist who helped with the break from her tommorrow.)She made herself very clear to me and anyone who would listen how she feels about me years ago. I don't trust her and I don't know if I can even handle the sound of her voice. I just want to run from it all. Help again guys..

Love To All,
Cindy Ann

GregStahl

Cindy Ann said:

The card came today
I got the card today in the mail from Mom.It came earlier then I expected. I have not felt such anxiety since I was told I had breast cancer.My teeth even started aching.. Not a good sign to me. I opened it. It really said nothing more then she is doing good and if I want to talk I can call her. It included her new phone number. Which all you know she will change at the wrong word from me. I am torn. I cannot have her in my life right now. I cannot be there for her and I don't want her here for me. Seeing her handwriting threw me into a tail spin. I felt light headed and sick.You think your prepared but your not. I called my oldest trusted aunt. Her advice was to call her and make it short. Thank her for the card then let her speak (only a short time) then tell her I have to go.She feels Mom only wants to ease her own guilt and if I do that she will leave me alone. I don't feel this will work. I have forgiven her but I cannot forget her acts against me or her hateful words. (I am seeing my old therapist who helped with the break from her tommorrow.)She made herself very clear to me and anyone who would listen how she feels about me years ago. I don't trust her and I don't know if I can even handle the sound of her voice. I just want to run from it all. Help again guys..

Love To All,
Cindy Ann

I have to say
After losing my mom in 1980 (BC) and my dad in 02, I realized 2 things. #1 Never pass up the opportunity to tell someone you care about that you love them. #2 Mend the fences.
I know you dont trust her, but dont leave business un-finished....she maybe trying to do the same thing with you.
I left unfinished business with my mom (she wasnt much better than yours. I could go for day but wont), and the night my dad died I had called while he as snoozing and I told my step mom not to wake him that I would "talk to him tomorrow". I missed the chance to tell him "I love you" and hear it back. I deeply regret both.
If you open the door, open carefully and protect yourself. I think you said your youngest brother was the "peace maker"(?)...maybe ask him about this or ask him to be there for the conversation....just a suggestion.
Good luck

Marcia527

Cindy Ann said:

The card came today
I got the card today in the mail from Mom.It came earlier then I expected. I have not felt such anxiety since I was told I had breast cancer.My teeth even started aching.. Not a good sign to me. I opened it. It really said nothing more then she is doing good and if I want to talk I can call her. It included her new phone number. Which all you know she will change at the wrong word from me. I am torn. I cannot have her in my life right now. I cannot be there for her and I don't want her here for me. Seeing her handwriting threw me into a tail spin. I felt light headed and sick.You think your prepared but your not. I called my oldest trusted aunt. Her advice was to call her and make it short. Thank her for the card then let her speak (only a short time) then tell her I have to go.She feels Mom only wants to ease her own guilt and if I do that she will leave me alone. I don't feel this will work. I have forgiven her but I cannot forget her acts against me or her hateful words. (I am seeing my old therapist who helped with the break from her tommorrow.)She made herself very clear to me and anyone who would listen how she feels about me years ago. I don't trust her and I don't know if I can even handle the sound of her voice. I just want to run from it all. Help again guys..

Love To All,
Cindy Ann

Maybe a card back to her.
Maybe a card back to her. This would enable you to think about what you want to say. A phone puts you on the spot to say something. Plus if her voice upsets you, this would be something to avoid.

MyTurnNow

Cindy Ann said:

The card came today
I got the card today in the mail from Mom.It came earlier then I expected. I have not felt such anxiety since I was told I had breast cancer.My teeth even started aching.. Not a good sign to me. I opened it. It really said nothing more then she is doing good and if I want to talk I can call her. It included her new phone number. Which all you know she will change at the wrong word from me. I am torn. I cannot have her in my life right now. I cannot be there for her and I don't want her here for me. Seeing her handwriting threw me into a tail spin. I felt light headed and sick.You think your prepared but your not. I called my oldest trusted aunt. Her advice was to call her and make it short. Thank her for the card then let her speak (only a short time) then tell her I have to go.She feels Mom only wants to ease her own guilt and if I do that she will leave me alone. I don't feel this will work. I have forgiven her but I cannot forget her acts against me or her hateful words. (I am seeing my old therapist who helped with the break from her tommorrow.)She made herself very clear to me and anyone who would listen how she feels about me years ago. I don't trust her and I don't know if I can even handle the sound of her voice. I just want to run from it all. Help again guys..

Love To All,
Cindy Ann

Cindy Ann, I would wait
Cindy Ann, I would wait until you speak with your therapist tomorrow and get some guidance from him/her. They are more familiar with the entire situation and can make more appropriate suggestions. The most important part of your life right now, in my opinion, is to get through your treatments with as little stress as possible. YOU are the important one here. This type of situation is so foreign to me that I don't know what I would do. I am very much a family-oriented person and have lost both my mother and father. I couldn't imagine having to go through that with unfinished business. Wishing you strength to make the right decision for you and your well being. Continue to post and let us know what you decide. Stay strong!!

chenheart

Cindy Ann said:

The card came today
I got the card today in the mail from Mom.It came earlier then I expected. I have not felt such anxiety since I was told I had breast cancer.My teeth even started aching.. Not a good sign to me. I opened it. It really said nothing more then she is doing good and if I want to talk I can call her. It included her new phone number. Which all you know she will change at the wrong word from me. I am torn. I cannot have her in my life right now. I cannot be there for her and I don't want her here for me. Seeing her handwriting threw me into a tail spin. I felt light headed and sick.You think your prepared but your not. I called my oldest trusted aunt. Her advice was to call her and make it short. Thank her for the card then let her speak (only a short time) then tell her I have to go.She feels Mom only wants to ease her own guilt and if I do that she will leave me alone. I don't feel this will work. I have forgiven her but I cannot forget her acts against me or her hateful words. (I am seeing my old therapist who helped with the break from her tommorrow.)She made herself very clear to me and anyone who would listen how she feels about me years ago. I don't trust her and I don't know if I can even handle the sound of her voice. I just want to run from it all. Help again guys..

Love To All,
Cindy Ann

I agree with Marcia...just
I agree with Marcia...just as these boards offer you the time to write and reflect before you hit Submit...you can think, write and send a card back to her. That would also incorporate Greg's suggestion of making sure you have done what you can to have a clear conscience..."just in case". Perhaps in the card you can make mention of your pending treatment, and that you HOPE to call her once treament is done...make no promises, but by writing, you have fulfilled any obligation you might remotely have for responding to her efforts to re-connect with you. In the card,you can perhaps tell her the things you have told us...not the hurtful things, but those which are true and good. Such as? That you were thinking of her when you got your diagnosis, that you know she understands the fear and long road ahead, and even that you love her. Which you have told us you do. Thank her for the card and her phone number, seal it, and send it off! The other nice thing about cards? You can find small ones which don't leave much space for writing!

Hugs,
Chen♥

ms_independent

Cindy Ann said:

The card came today
I got the card today in the mail from Mom.It came earlier then I expected. I have not felt such anxiety since I was told I had breast cancer.My teeth even started aching.. Not a good sign to me. I opened it. It really said nothing more then she is doing good and if I want to talk I can call her. It included her new phone number. Which all you know she will change at the wrong word from me. I am torn. I cannot have her in my life right now. I cannot be there for her and I don't want her here for me. Seeing her handwriting threw me into a tail spin. I felt light headed and sick.You think your prepared but your not. I called my oldest trusted aunt. Her advice was to call her and make it short. Thank her for the card then let her speak (only a short time) then tell her I have to go.She feels Mom only wants to ease her own guilt and if I do that she will leave me alone. I don't feel this will work. I have forgiven her but I cannot forget her acts against me or her hateful words. (I am seeing my old therapist who helped with the break from her tommorrow.)She made herself very clear to me and anyone who would listen how she feels about me years ago. I don't trust her and I don't know if I can even handle the sound of her voice. I just want to run from it all. Help again guys..

Love To All,
Cindy Ann

good advice
You've gotten some good advice. I agree with waiting until after you see your therapist tomorrow. The thought that keeps coming to me is that she can't hurt you by your sending her a note. you control what you say. A phone call could put you in a hurtful situation that you can't control. My husband has told me in somewhat similar circumstances "do what you need to do to feel no regrets and to feel proud of yourself at the end of the day."
I am so sorry that you have another stressor in this already stressful time. Please try to take care of yourself!
Hugs, El

Cindy Ann

chenheart said:

I agree with Marcia...just
I agree with Marcia...just as these boards offer you the time to write and reflect before you hit Submit...you can think, write and send a card back to her. That would also incorporate Greg's suggestion of making sure you have done what you can to have a clear conscience..."just in case". Perhaps in the card you can make mention of your pending treatment, and that you HOPE to call her once treament is done...make no promises, but by writing, you have fulfilled any obligation you might remotely have for responding to her efforts to re-connect with you. In the card,you can perhaps tell her the things you have told us...not the hurtful things, but those which are true and good. Such as? That you were thinking of her when you got your diagnosis, that you know she understands the fear and long road ahead, and even that you love her. Which you have told us you do. Thank her for the card and her phone number, seal it, and send it off! The other nice thing about cards? You can find small ones which don't leave much space for writing!

Hugs,
Chen♥

Hey Chen, Are you a therapist??
Chen I should pay you $200.00 a hour.I swear my therapist said exactly what you said to me in your posts. Also what people like Greg and others have said. I have decided to send a card expressing nothing but positive feelings. I do not at this time want her back in my life. It is too much for me. But nor do I want to close the door totally. I thought I did. But reading these posts then getting her card and all those feelings of being her child came rushing back. I will make no promises in the card but will let her know that she as a breast cancer survivor knows how I am feeling and that I hope to contact her(love the hope part Chen) after my treatment. My therapist has high hopes to get me to a place one day were I will be able to speak to her and not hold onto all the pain she has caused me. I am not there yet. This darn breast crappers yes I said crappers whipped me around like a tornado.Do not have the energy to deal with Mom now. I feel better about my choice and will feel even better when I mail the card tomorrow. I had the therapist read it as did my husband and they both felt it was putting up some positive boundries to let me get through treatment then decide without closing the door. Yes, I told her I love her. Regardless of all she has done she is still my birth mother. I did not make it long. It was short and sweet.It clears my guilt totally away and lets her off the hook. Win.Win.I can now move on to waiting for Monday to see the surgeon. I am still sick guys. Awful cough now.. I have got to get healthy for this or they will put it of for another week. I have a very hoarse voice can't hide that or the darn thrush. Which is still not gone after 600 mg of Diflucan and 4 times a day nystatin. This so funny. Trying to feel good to have surgery and feel crappy again. LOL!! God has to be a man!!!!

Bella Luna

Baby Girl,
I am sorry to
Baby Girl,

I am sorry to hear you have to go through all this at such a difficult time in your life. You have the support, well wishes, and prayers of all your Sisters in Pink!

I just have to say that this is about You right now. You come first, You call the shots. It's all about staying the course on your Road to Recovery! Take care of yourself, surround yourself with those who love you and have your back. It's not easy, but do what you think you can live with, not what others think you ought to do.

God Bless.
BL

chenheart

Cindy Ann said:

Hey Chen, Are you a therapist??
Chen I should pay you $200.00 a hour.I swear my therapist said exactly what you said to me in your posts. Also what people like Greg and others have said. I have decided to send a card expressing nothing but positive feelings. I do not at this time want her back in my life. It is too much for me. But nor do I want to close the door totally. I thought I did. But reading these posts then getting her card and all those feelings of being her child came rushing back. I will make no promises in the card but will let her know that she as a breast cancer survivor knows how I am feeling and that I hope to contact her(love the hope part Chen) after my treatment. My therapist has high hopes to get me to a place one day were I will be able to speak to her and not hold onto all the pain she has caused me. I am not there yet. This darn breast crappers yes I said crappers whipped me around like a tornado.Do not have the energy to deal with Mom now. I feel better about my choice and will feel even better when I mail the card tomorrow. I had the therapist read it as did my husband and they both felt it was putting up some positive boundries to let me get through treatment then decide without closing the door. Yes, I told her I love her. Regardless of all she has done she is still my birth mother. I did not make it long. It was short and sweet.It clears my guilt totally away and lets her off the hook. Win.Win.I can now move on to waiting for Monday to see the surgeon. I am still sick guys. Awful cough now.. I have got to get healthy for this or they will put it of for another week. I have a very hoarse voice can't hide that or the darn thrush. Which is still not gone after 600 mg of Diflucan and 4 times a day nystatin. This so funny. Trying to feel good to have surgery and feel crappy again. LOL!! God has to be a man!!!!

I am not a therapist by any
I am not a therapist by any stretch of the imagination, so your 200.00 an hour is still safe~ this is all free! On the other hand, by it being free you also get what you pay for!

My family calls me Switzerland~ not that I am particularly neutral, but I am not a fan of drama, even knowing I can't always avoid it. I like to step outside emotionally whenever I can and hopefully look at things from different angles.

I am happy that you were able to absolve yourself of guilt. It truly doesn't seem to matter if we deserve to feel guilty, or even if seemingly EVERYONE reminds us that we have nothing to feel guilty about! Sometimes, its just there, isn't it? Taking control of the things we can, and making peace with our own hearts is of immense value.

Get well, take care of you, and know that you have done all you can. Nothing more is asked of you. Be well...

Hugs,
Chen♥

Cindy Ann

Bella Luna said:

Baby Girl,
I am sorry to
Baby Girl,

I am sorry to hear you have to go through all this at such a difficult time in your life. You have the support, well wishes, and prayers of all your Sisters in Pink!

I just have to say that this is about You right now. You come first, You call the shots. It's all about staying the course on your Road to Recovery! Take care of yourself, surround yourself with those who love you and have your back. It's not easy, but do what you think you can live with, not what others think you ought to do.

God Bless.
BL

I have mailed the reply card to Mom
Just a update. Well my sister's I have mailed the card and wrote something along the lines of what Chen advised. I mailed it on last Sat. Almost a week ago and no reply, no reprecussions.Hooray!! Nothing but dead air. I feel so relieved. I got what I needed to move on and mom got her guilt taken away and she can now go back to living life daughterless. I feel good about how this all went. I appreciate all the care and advice I received. It helped me make the right decision and make myself lose the parental guilt but also gave my Mom a release from having to think abut my exsistance. It worked out perfect. Now I can move on to the next path. Surgery..

Blessings and Hugs,
Cindy Ann

chenheart

Cindy Ann said:

I have mailed the reply card to Mom
Just a update. Well my sister's I have mailed the card and wrote something along the lines of what Chen advised. I mailed it on last Sat. Almost a week ago and no reply, no reprecussions.Hooray!! Nothing but dead air. I feel so relieved. I got what I needed to move on and mom got her guilt taken away and she can now go back to living life daughterless. I feel good about how this all went. I appreciate all the care and advice I received. It helped me make the right decision and make myself lose the parental guilt but also gave my Mom a release from having to think abut my exsistance. It worked out perfect. Now I can move on to the next path. Surgery..

Blessings and Hugs,
Cindy Ann

All's Well That Ends Well!
Well, good for you! Surgery will be a snap after all of the Life Drama you have been dealing with!! Concentrate on you and your recovery; those who love you will always surround you. As you are there for them, they reciprocate in kind. It's a nice feeling, isn't it?

You actually get to exhale and ready yourself for the next part of journeying toward Life After Cancer! Hooray!

Hugs,
Chen