being a caregiver for my mother is making me feel resentful and angry..

originalhirevs

caregiving

I also care for my mother who is 86. She does not have cancer, but she is in a wheelchair. I join the millions of Americans taking care of an elder parent who was less then adequate as a mother to me and my siblings. In fact, I am surprised that my siblings and I survived with her in charge. My mother is a habitual liar, she is self-centered, she cheated on three husbands and had numeros affairs, she is both anorexic and bullimic, she was an alcholic til age 70, and she has no friends. My sister will have nothing to do with her and my brother died partly due to her constantly interfering with his life, belittling him and controlling him. She barely fed or clothed us as children, never took us to a doctor and never gave us christmas or birthdays. 

She treats me like a servant. She never says thankyou for anything. I am past dealing with my childhood angst though. Now I deal with her as she is now. she has dementia, so she does not remember anything. Course this is what she says, if I bring up my brother, she remembers everything. She still lies, blames everyone except herself for things that go wrong and she has horrendous table manners and sanitary habits. She begins every sentence with "I". 

I think it would help anyone and everyone to express their anger in forums like this instead of **** footin around the "Ah we will all learn and gain by putting our anger aside, or trust in god, etc. etc. that does not help the caregiver. 

My husband and i see a therapist weekly to deal with the stress. WE had to do this. She emphasized that is is NORMAL to feel angry, to feel stress, to want to clobber this incessant anvil that has attached itself to you and will not let you breath. there are parents who understand and feel compassion, but there are others who never learned that others have feelings. They think only about themselves. You feel resentment you feel angry, good. You need to get it out. I want a punching bag that I can practice on to get out my anger. If you hold your anger in, then you will have stomach issues, or be a candidate for cancer. No, get angry, express it, beat up a pillow. Just do not let it affect those who DO love you and care about you, like your spouse or children. 

Unfortunately, with the parent, especially if they are past understanding, all they think of is themselves, think of them as you would a turtle or fish, provide food, water, needs, be kind and considerate, but do not invest anything of yourself. If they are incapable of being loving and real to you or beiing humane, then just provide them with the type of care you would get from a hotel. Did they invest in your wellbeing? No. Did they protect you beyond measure and love you despite all odds? No? then give them them what they need to live, but cut them off emotionally. they did not invest in you, why should you invest in them. they deserve respect, and care. they do not deserve your emotional support and that is where it hits hard. I am sorry if some think of me as harsh, but I look at it this way: You have to protect your self. You have to stop them from mistreating you. You have to stop them from making your blood pressure rise and you have to stop them from shortening your life because they made a mess of their lives. What goes around comes around and we know this. Do not be abusive, do not be unkind, but do not let them run you ragged and cause you personal and physcial trauma. You have to protect your life. 

I think of it as this, If Hitler had a daughter and she had to take care of that evil man, how would she feel? Well, probably no one has had it that bad, but you know, sometimes it is close. I wish I had had a wonderful loving mother, I did not. 

what you can do, you have to find others to talk to for one, who see you, listen to you and care for you. You have to block others who just want to tell you what to do, and have NO concept of what you are going through. These people are numerous, they will tell you to this are that, etc. etc. Let me tell you something, those out there who read this, if you want to help, then do, don't run your mouth, shut your mouth, and go over to the home, pick up the mother or father, take him out, or cook for the friend or sibling, or take a day and do laundry for the house, or do the lawn, or come over and let the siblling have a weekend off completely. Find others to give this person a break. The hard part for the caregiver is that they are so filled up with day to day chores that they don't even have time to find anyone to help them and they cannot afford those stupid blood sucking caregiver companies out there who want $2000 a week for help. 

and another thing that siblings do not realize is this and it is why I am taking care of my mother. She has a home, she has property. I want that land and home to remain with the family. I want it to go to our children, I have none, but I have a niece and two nephews. I am trying to make a difference for her and our family. If you give up then medicaide will come on in, but you can kiss your families property away. They will take everything. My mother gets medicare, I will not sign her up for medicaid. I have no idea how long she will live. I don't ever want her to have to live in a piece of crap nursing home if she lives beyond 90 and they have taken all her assets away. 

I personally wish my sister would help me, but I know that she would just throw my mother in a nursing home now and let her assets go out the window. I won't let that happen. 

In the meantime, please help others when it comes to this, as a nation we are facing a growing epidemic of huge proportions: a growing populace of 85+ people with no contingency of care. They are moving into our homes or we are moviing into theirs. We need to share caregiving and stop puttting all the burden on one sibling. It is wrong. Even donating one day a week to help these caregivers would make their lives easier. 

SarahMarkoff

caregiving for someone with GBM stage 4

I know this was posted a long time ago but I'm hoping you'll get this and respond because your message is exactly what I'm currently having to go through. Irene I read your message and cried because I've found it so so so so hard to talk to someone who understands my feelings. i am going through exactly what you are going through. my aunt (who raised me and is like my mother) is currently battling stage 4 GBM and she just became disabled to the point she cannot walk and is in a wheelchair. Tonight i asked her if she had to use the bathroom before getting settled into bed (which is a long process and is physically draining) and she said no and as soon as I got her settled she said she had to go, and I lost it, I got so mad and frustrated. I called her an idiot and asked why she can't just act like a normal person. After that I put her back to bed and have been in the kitchen crying ever since. I know I hurt her and I'm going to have to live with that hurt forever, but even though she's here, she's not HERE, and this is the hardest part! I just feel so lost in this, I have no idea how to cope with this disease and what it is doing to her. Any insight or advice will be so greatly appreciated from someone who has been through this. Is your mom still alive and of so, how is she doing? 

JerzyGrrl

SarahMarkoff said:

caregiving for someone with GBM stage 4

I know this was posted a long time ago but I'm hoping you'll get this and respond because your message is exactly what I'm currently having to go through. Irene I read your message and cried because I've found it so so so so hard to talk to someone who understands my feelings. i am going through exactly what you are going through. my aunt (who raised me and is like my mother) is currently battling stage 4 GBM and she just became disabled to the point she cannot walk and is in a wheelchair. Tonight i asked her if she had to use the bathroom before getting settled into bed (which is a long process and is physically draining) and she said no and as soon as I got her settled she said she had to go, and I lost it, I got so mad and frustrated. I called her an idiot and asked why she can't just act like a normal person. After that I put her back to bed and have been in the kitchen crying ever since. I know I hurt her and I'm going to have to live with that hurt forever, but even though she's here, she's not HERE, and this is the hardest part! I just feel so lost in this, I have no idea how to cope with this disease and what it is doing to her. Any insight or advice will be so greatly appreciated from someone who has been through this. Is your mom still alive and of so, how is she doing? 

Been there, too

Sarah, I'm not the originator of this forum thread, but I have been there. 

Caregiving is exhausting. It sucks up your physical, emotional, mental, spiritual, and psychic energy and at times can feel as though it's sucked most of the oxygen out of the room. You're not superhuman. OK, that's for starters.

Do you have some way to take a break? Is there someone or some place that can provide respite care for your aunt? In the meantime, what are you doing for yourself regarding eating and sleeping? 

Do you have others that can help? If your answer to this and these other questions is "no," you're going to wear yourself out to the point that you'll need a caregiver. See if there's a caregivers support group with your aunt's health group or if they can direct you to one. Often times, healthcare teams have a case manager and / or a social worker. Connect with them. If you or your aunt are members of a faith group, connect with them.

Oh, and please forgive yourself, apologize to your aunt, start with a clean slate. Do keep us posted. Hugs...

laxsonrr

Doing it now

I am 21 years old & I'm a junior in college, I've been taking care of my dad since january of 2017. It is so stressful trying to balance school, social life, extracurriculars, and taking care of him. I am the only person who is here to cook, clean, and drive him to his appointments. I have 3 older brothers well into their late 30s/early 40s who I think that should be the ones responsible for taking care of him. But regardless I am the one who is trying to handle all of this even though I am in school.

I get so angry at myself every night for thinking this way & I feel like I’m being selfish by thinking that this is too much responsibility for me. I'm still trying to figure my life out and having to live with my dad and be his sole care provider has been very tough on me. My parents are have been separated since my birth, and even my mom likes to give me the spiel that this will make me a better person/future nurse.  I have never been so unhappy in all of my life, I already have present conditions such as depression and anxiety to add on to it. So it's gotten to the point sometimes where I don't if I can do this anymore, just living like this has been the cause of many sleepless nights/breakdowns.

He is kind enough to pay for rent for a 2 bedroom apartment & groceries but other than that I have to pay for everything else. He is constantly upset because I am not around the apartment all the time, didn't make dinner most nights of the week, or if on the off chance I decide to go out with friends for a night. I know that he has it worse because in reality it's his life that is hanging on by a thread. I just wish that my other brothers would take responsibility and take care of him. They all have stable jobs, good income, and wives that stay at home. They probably think that I’m getting a sweet deal by having my dad provide me a place to stay while I’m in school, but I feel like I would be so much happier if I moved out!

I know that they are able to provide for him so I don't understand why they thought it would be okay for a 21 year old girl who is about to enter nursing school to take care of him. I love my father but it is just too much for me, and i know that even if I were to ask for them to take him in they would think i'm being selfish since they have young children. They already probably think I'm not doing a good job since I know that my dad complains to them about me. I just feel like I’m walking on egg shells all the time, and I hate myself for feeling/thinking this way since I love my dad & would do anything for him but this is becoming too much.

ClaCla

Laxsonrr, How About MovingHim to Assisted Living?

With school and being a caregiver, it must be very difficult.  Can you afford to live on your own and move your dad in to an assisted living facility?  If that's not an option, then check out your other resources.  How about Meals on Wheels for him only?  See if he's eligible for the American Cancer Society's program that gives rides to doctor's appointments.  Anything to help take some of the burden off you.  Are you eligible for any kind of free counselling at school, so you would have someone to help you figure out what to do?  As far as him getting angry with you for going out with your friends, maybe you could talk to him about why that's a problem for him.  Do you give him the courtesy you'd give a roommate by letting him know you will not be home until later?  You're a 21-year-old adult, and it's normal to want to spend time with friends.  So find out why he has a problem with that.  Of course his illness and treatments may be making him grumpy.  No doubt your brothers think you're paying for your room and board by caregiving, so they don't think they need to help.  But you could talk to them about having him come stay with them one weekend every couple of months perhaps, or something ike that.  With two brothers, that would give you at least one weekend a month off.  Tell them school is pretty intense, as is caregiving, and every caregiver needs someone to provide occasional respite to keep their own sanity and health in check.  God bless and best success.

oriontj

No you are not. I one drove

No you are not. I one drove my husband to the Dr officers we had been at his oncologist in Chicago. I told our PCP to call our hospital and tell him you're sitting him. I took him to the verb and left him there. I took his stuff later when he called. I just couldn' d itit one minute more. 

NormanLovesAileen

Only human

We are not super heroes, just human beings doing our best in an impossibly difficult situation.

Don’t beat yourself up, deep breaths.

balletpink

1 Corinthians 13

1 Cor. 13:4-7  Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails...

I know everyone uses this for weddings, but it's actually applicable to every love for each person - not just romantic. Love isn't a "feeling". It's commitment to buck up and handle bad times. I have been caring for my husband who has cancer, and who will continue to get cancer as long as he lives, as he has a chronic type. Just grateful for every chance I get the honor of caring for him for another day.