Relationship problems and cancer
I do know how hard it is for family when someone has cancer (my mum died of bowel cancer 15 months ago and it was hard) but my illness has high lighted what is missing in my arriage. My husband doesn't know what my emotional needs are and is unable to support me emotionally.
Has anyone else experienced this? It is making everything much more difficult as I feel I am on my own fighting the cancer.
Much love Tina
Comments
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I can relate to this--my
I can relate to this--my husband always tells me how hard my cancer has been on him and tells others how hard things have been for him???? I feel like I am fighting this cancer on my own too. I felt like maybe it was me that was wrong--glad to hear someone feels the same way. I understand it is hard for family members to go through cancer (I too lost my Mom to cancer) but I wish my husband would give me more emotional support. Stay strong--always now that there are other people in your corner.0 -
This comment has been removed by the ModeratorKathy T said:I can relate to this--my
I can relate to this--my husband always tells me how hard my cancer has been on him and tells others how hard things have been for him???? I feel like I am fighting this cancer on my own too. I felt like maybe it was me that was wrong--glad to hear someone feels the same way. I understand it is hard for family members to go through cancer (I too lost my Mom to cancer) but I wish my husband would give me more emotional support. Stay strong--always now that there are other people in your corner.0 -
Support
Hi Tina
I am so sorry your not getting the support you need. I'm divorced and don't have to deal with that. I do have a family that supports me and I finally had to tell them I felt like I couldn't be honest because they were all so stressed about what I was going through. It did help to let them now how I felt and they have really made a change in how they handle things now. Just be blunt and let him know how you feel it might work. Good Luck. Remember you are not alone.
Cat0 -
most caregivers like what we docatcan said:Support
Hi Tina
I am so sorry your not getting the support you need. I'm divorced and don't have to deal with that. I do have a family that supports me and I finally had to tell them I felt like I couldn't be honest because they were all so stressed about what I was going through. It did help to let them now how I felt and they have really made a change in how they handle things now. Just be blunt and let him know how you feel it might work. Good Luck. Remember you are not alone.
Cat
These heartbreaking tales sound terrible, and make me want to peep up and say that most of us caregivers are happy to do what we do, we want to help, we like to come through. And let's also not forget that most (but not all) men are emotional cripples, bless their hearts.0 -
feeling alone
Dear Tina,
I'm so sorry that you are not being supported emotionally and you are right that it makes it much more difficult. Do you have others in your life from who you can draw strength? I think that ultimately we all feel alone fighting cancer and that is why we come here to speak to others who absolutely understand. I know I'm thankful everyday for all the warm and generous women who are part of this board.
I have family members who seem not to be able to "deal" with my cancer and others who expect me to put on a "happy" face so I don't upset them. It can be exhausting.
((((HUGS)))) Maria0 -
I told my husband, "Just this once, this has to be all about ME.unknown said:This comment has been removed by the Moderator
I have always babied my husband, waiting on him and comforting him for every little problem, always telling him that I wanted to make sure he was "spoiled for any other woman". He's a worrier by nature and anxious and without good coping skills. I have always been the one to cheer him up and listen to his problems. But when I got my cancer diagnosis, I told him right out that THIS time, this had to be all about ME, that I just couldn't be worrying about how he was handling all this. And he understood and he's really done his best. I know I'm horrible to insist on this, because he loves me and this is horrible for him, too. But he holds it inside and waits until the very rare nights when I am crying or worried to break down and cry with me and pour out his own worries as I pour out mine. And that brings us closer instead of driving us apart. And he's there for me, taking me to every chemo and appointment except for the handful of times when one of my friends or sons could get off work to take me.
I think you need to talk this out with your husband. Maybe he doesn't know what you need from him and how you need him to be. I guess that's the advantage of being older. My husband and I have already been through a lot of other things together. We're best friends and a solid team. I am very blessed and I know it.0 -
Yes, Yes, Yes,
Hi
Yes, Yes, Yes,
Hi Tina,
Where do I begin is the question? Initially very attentive he was and I guess as the shock of it all began to wear off things slowly got back to normal( the old routine before cancer normal.)
Case in point; we all know that after chemo we are going to be out for about 5- 7 days?
Slowly we begin to get our strength back, but just because we are up and about doesn't mean we are back to our old selves. But before I can get my first breath it was "Honey... can you get me...?" I would just look at him with my mouth open and say "Are you serious?"
This would jolt him back to the fact like "oh yeah, don't worry about it honey, i'll get it."
You'll get it? You sure will!!! The gall!
But Linda said it perfectly... men just are not wired the way we are! It truly is a scientific fact! (Saw it on TLC ).
They don't realize when they do this how insensitive they come across and how it makes us feel. All of this for me was very shortly after healing from the surgery at least
Now it's 3 years later and it's gotten a little better (yes I said a little better LOL!)
That's because like one of the ladies said, I had to tell him what I needed for me to heal physically as well as spiritually and that IDID NOT survive the greatest challenge of my life only to be treated in a manner that I do not deserve.
I could go on and on. But on the other hand after 30 years of marriage, he was there for me where and when it counted most and that's a lot more than a lot of women have gotten from their husbands. Some of my friends husbands actually left them! :-((
I've had to make it clear to him more times than not, my final years will be spent in a way in which they will be substantial moments and nothing less... I think he is finally getting the hint.
Last, they really are emotionally clueless...so don't be too hard. But you do have a right to be happy and treated like a princess too. No pity parties here right?
Sharon0 -
Sometimes they hide behind anger
Dear Tina, sometimes I have to tiptoe around Randy too. Not so much in the beginning, but off an on over the years. He is a man of few words and because he can't express his fears or feelings, anger spews out. He isn't on the recieving end so he doesn't understand, and how he is use to showing his love is pretty limited now, many men show express there love or feel they are loved sexually, and for many of us this becomes very uncomfortable and for some us almost impossible.
I well tell you that the statment "He can't bear to lose you" shows how concerned he is about you and much he'd miss you and how worried he is. Randy has said this to me also and it has given me the extra fight I need at times, to try one more or understand his anger is fear of losing me or the frustration of the disease. Of course at times I am on such a roller coaster from treatment, decisions, steriods and other worries that it gets the best of me too. I come here to share, call my bestest bud who can listen to me cry and not judge what Randy is going through. And I pray and journal ~ they all help. Also a support group is good, you would be surprised how many women have dealt with this same.
There are on line ovarian support groups too... through cancer care and a few other sites, as well as an ovarian list serve through acor.
I pray as the journey continues his insecurties lessen and support you need increases. I pray hearing you are not alone gives you some comfort. I pray the Lord puts others in both your lives to share your fears and concerns, for when we can speak them out loud they become less and less. Continue to come here for support and encouragement, feel the Teal Power we all send you and the Strength the Lord is sending you, and Him carrying you when you are feelign to weak to walk the path yourself.
Hugs ♥ Prayers Bonnie
Isaiah 43 1b-3a
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior
Psalm 28:7
The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song.0 -
Such good adviceBonnieR said:Sometimes they hide behind anger
Dear Tina, sometimes I have to tiptoe around Randy too. Not so much in the beginning, but off an on over the years. He is a man of few words and because he can't express his fears or feelings, anger spews out. He isn't on the recieving end so he doesn't understand, and how he is use to showing his love is pretty limited now, many men show express there love or feel they are loved sexually, and for many of us this becomes very uncomfortable and for some us almost impossible.
I well tell you that the statment "He can't bear to lose you" shows how concerned he is about you and much he'd miss you and how worried he is. Randy has said this to me also and it has given me the extra fight I need at times, to try one more or understand his anger is fear of losing me or the frustration of the disease. Of course at times I am on such a roller coaster from treatment, decisions, steriods and other worries that it gets the best of me too. I come here to share, call my bestest bud who can listen to me cry and not judge what Randy is going through. And I pray and journal ~ they all help. Also a support group is good, you would be surprised how many women have dealt with this same.
There are on line ovarian support groups too... through cancer care and a few other sites, as well as an ovarian list serve through acor.
I pray as the journey continues his insecurties lessen and support you need increases. I pray hearing you are not alone gives you some comfort. I pray the Lord puts others in both your lives to share your fears and concerns, for when we can speak them out loud they become less and less. Continue to come here for support and encouragement, feel the Teal Power we all send you and the Strength the Lord is sending you, and Him carrying you when you are feelign to weak to walk the path yourself.
Hugs ♥ Prayers Bonnie
Isaiah 43 1b-3a
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior
Psalm 28:7
The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song.
Thanks to each and everyone of you for your thoughts and advice. I know my husband is really scared and I do have to keep reminding him to "try & find something positive". In is fear he throws such wild accusations at me that render me speechless and in the midst of "chemo" brain I am at a loss for words - so we have stalemate.
I have great family and friends who more than make up for what my husband lacks. I know one of the ladies talked about sex and how important it is for a man. But since chemo started I have NO sex drive AT ALL. Plus the fact I do not feel particulary desirable being bald and having put on weight. Thus another wedge in my marriage!
All in all what has happened to me has put a great strain on our marriage and I honestly don't think it will survive it. Having cancer has made me re-think everything in my life and my husbands behaviour has made me think about whether we are right for each other. By the way I will be celebrating 29 years of marriage this year and I am not sure whether I want to stay with him or not!
Sorry for the moan but it is true that sharing a trouble really makes you feel better. Lots of love Tina xxxxx0 -
Your're kiddingTina Brown said:Such good advice
Thanks to each and everyone of you for your thoughts and advice. I know my husband is really scared and I do have to keep reminding him to "try & find something positive". In is fear he throws such wild accusations at me that render me speechless and in the midst of "chemo" brain I am at a loss for words - so we have stalemate.
I have great family and friends who more than make up for what my husband lacks. I know one of the ladies talked about sex and how important it is for a man. But since chemo started I have NO sex drive AT ALL. Plus the fact I do not feel particulary desirable being bald and having put on weight. Thus another wedge in my marriage!
All in all what has happened to me has put a great strain on our marriage and I honestly don't think it will survive it. Having cancer has made me re-think everything in my life and my husbands behaviour has made me think about whether we are right for each other. By the way I will be celebrating 29 years of marriage this year and I am not sure whether I want to stay with him or not!
Sorry for the moan but it is true that sharing a trouble really makes you feel better. Lots of love Tina xxxxx
Your're kidding right?
Tina!!!
You've been married for 29 years? You look like a youngster (NO KIDDING).
Just had to express my disbelief because you don't look that old you look great.
Have a great weekend.
Sharon0 -
Hi Sharonmsfanciful said:Your're kidding
Your're kidding right?
Tina!!!
You've been married for 29 years? You look like a youngster (NO KIDDING).
Just had to express my disbelief because you don't look that old you look great.
Have a great weekend.
Sharon
I will be celebrating my 50th birthday in 2 weeks. I have a 27 year old daughter and a 24 year old son.
Thank you for the compliment you also look really well in your photo.
love Tina xxxxx0 -
Thank you
Dear Tina,
Your posting has opened a discussion that I feel many of us have not dared to approach, and I think it's brought a lot of insight to us. Thank you!
Sue0 -
Marriage
Good Morning,
first of all you look great for someone who is almost 50. You look like you are 25. Please don't give up on your marriage. I get so sad when people get divorced. Can you see a marriage counselor? I know sex is important when we are younger, but as we get older I think companionship is as equally important. I know what you are talking about, when you say being intimate is the last thing on your mind, but there are other less involved things you can do. I just told my husband to be patient, which he was, and eventually everything worked out okay. You have invested 29 years in this marriage and it should not get all thrown away just because you are sick. Your husband would be lost without you. He just does not realize it. Men are not the brightest creatures on earth. In fact, they are some of the dumbest creatures on earth. Ask him how he would feel if the shoe was on the other foot and he was the one that was sick. He has to put himself in your situation. Life is so hard and I know this is some kind of test from god to see how we handle the situation. Anyway, I just wanted to throw in my 2 cents. Thank-You, Paula
I also have been married 26 years and have 3 sons. They are 25,21, and 12. I have had cancer 4 times. Breast cancer 3 times and ovarian cancer this last time. Hang in there.0 -
This comment has been removed by the ModeratorTina Brown said:Hi Sharon
I will be celebrating my 50th birthday in 2 weeks. I have a 27 year old daughter and a 24 year old son.
Thank you for the compliment you also look really well in your photo.
love Tina xxxxx0 -
Agecancer survivor x 4 said:Marriage
Good Morning,
first of all you look great for someone who is almost 50. You look like you are 25. Please don't give up on your marriage. I get so sad when people get divorced. Can you see a marriage counselor? I know sex is important when we are younger, but as we get older I think companionship is as equally important. I know what you are talking about, when you say being intimate is the last thing on your mind, but there are other less involved things you can do. I just told my husband to be patient, which he was, and eventually everything worked out okay. You have invested 29 years in this marriage and it should not get all thrown away just because you are sick. Your husband would be lost without you. He just does not realize it. Men are not the brightest creatures on earth. In fact, they are some of the dumbest creatures on earth. Ask him how he would feel if the shoe was on the other foot and he was the one that was sick. He has to put himself in your situation. Life is so hard and I know this is some kind of test from god to see how we handle the situation. Anyway, I just wanted to throw in my 2 cents. Thank-You, Paula
I also have been married 26 years and have 3 sons. They are 25,21, and 12. I have had cancer 4 times. Breast cancer 3 times and ovarian cancer this last time. Hang in there.
I keep looking at your photo and try to see that you are only seven years younger than me. I can't see it. All this time I thought you were in your 20s. Amazing.
I'm also very sad to hear about the problems you're facing in your marriage. I've been married 38 years, and I don't know what I would do without my best friend. I feel so bad that you don't have that kind of relationship. I can't imagine facing that along with the cancer. I hope you don't mind if I pray for you.
Marty0 -
I am so luckyMawty said:Age
I keep looking at your photo and try to see that you are only seven years younger than me. I can't see it. All this time I thought you were in your 20s. Amazing.
I'm also very sad to hear about the problems you're facing in your marriage. I've been married 38 years, and I don't know what I would do without my best friend. I feel so bad that you don't have that kind of relationship. I can't imagine facing that along with the cancer. I hope you don't mind if I pray for you.
Marty
My husband has been with me all the way. I do not know what I would hav edone without him. Praise the Lord for a wonderful spouse.
Maybe things will change, I will sy a prayer for you hon0 -
Thank-you once againazgrandma said:I am so lucky
My husband has been with me all the way. I do not know what I would hav edone without him. Praise the Lord for a wonderful spouse.
Maybe things will change, I will sy a prayer for you hon
Thank-you for your compliments - its boosted a girls ego no end.
It must be so wonderful not only to have found your soul mate but to share your life with them. I sadly no I am not with my soul mate which is making my journey through this cancer battlefield much much harder. I have 2 wonderful kids and their partners who are fantastic at supporting me.
Thanks for all of your comments I really value them.
Tina xxxxxxxxxxxxx0 -
Hi Tina,Tina Brown said:Thank-you once again
Thank-you for your compliments - its boosted a girls ego no end.
It must be so wonderful not only to have found your soul mate but to share your life with them. I sadly no I am not with my soul mate which is making my journey through this cancer battlefield much much harder. I have 2 wonderful kids and their partners who are fantastic at supporting me.
Thanks for all of your comments I really value them.
Tina xxxxxxxxxxxxx
My heart goes out
Hi Tina,
My heart goes out to you.
This might be a rhetorical question... but have you tried to truly tell him how you feel and what you need? Men really don't view situations the way we see them; they truly can't help themselves.
But look at this Tina, just to have ANYONE in life at this time (let me rephrase that) anyone who loves and cares for you at this time in your life is such a blessing in itself. Count your blessings and stay focused on the positive aspects of your life.
I still can't believe you aren't a youngster! LOL!
Take care,
Sharon0 -
Thank-you Sharonmsfanciful said:Hi Tina,
My heart goes out
Hi Tina,
My heart goes out to you.
This might be a rhetorical question... but have you tried to truly tell him how you feel and what you need? Men really don't view situations the way we see them; they truly can't help themselves.
But look at this Tina, just to have ANYONE in life at this time (let me rephrase that) anyone who loves and cares for you at this time in your life is such a blessing in itself. Count your blessings and stay focused on the positive aspects of your life.
I still can't believe you aren't a youngster! LOL!
Take care,
Sharon
We have had problems for a while now but there is one thing I know is that he loves and cares for me in his own way. And yes being with someone who loves and cares for you (particulary at this time in my life) is a blessing. So yes you are absolutely right I am lucky to have him at the moment. Thanks for your advise, Tina xxxxxx0 -
Liar Liar Pants on Fire
50 years old???? NO WAY>>>>>>I thought 26.....Seriously.....I don't have cancer and wished I look like you!! You are beautiful....
Relationships. I find when my emotional needs are not being met in my relationship I must go somewhere else. I can't go to an empty well for water, and although the well has water much of the time, sometimes I want a gatorade anyway. My relationship is based on a promise that we would not try to change each other or ask for things that neither one of us was unable to give. If I were to be honest, I'm a lousy partner. I have little compassion about certain things that my spouse is going through and find that I am more kind and supportive, at times, to people I am less close to than to some of those I care most about. I love that I am accepted for being so deficient. On the other hand, sometimes I feel like I am talking to a newspaper, or an android who wouldn't know a feeling if it came up to the door and introduced itself as one. If I got sick, I think it would be a disaster. But you know what, we do love each other...I think if something were to happen.....well it would suck...is there any wisdom or anything of productivity in this post?? I don't think so..Take care of your beautiful self...He does love you as deficient as he is........and you deserve to be valued and feel valued.......0
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