Family Advice UGHHHHHHHHHHHHH

kimber10

I need some advice my husband and I have not spoken to his brother and sister in 9 months the reason for this is when I got bc diagnosis he of coarse told his family and since he told them only his mother and step father (who was batteling lung cancer) have called checked on us etc. his brother and sister on the other hand have not called not even once to see how I was doing how surgery went how he is holding up NOTHING he is extremely hurt by this and Iam just angry we all got along very well took vacations together so Iam stunned by there actions.We just returned home from my husbands step fathers funeral and his siblings were there and acted shocked when he politely shook there hands but would not hug or chat with them,do they really not understand how much he needed them and how hurt he was when they acted like this??
I have a large family 6 sisters and a brother we are not all really close but every single one of my siblings showed up called or e-mailed even my sister who I hadn't seen in 5 years or spoken to in 1 year showed up from out of state to be there for me, anyway I guess my question is what if anything could or should I do about this or do I just leave it alone??
My heart just breaks for my husband cause he feels like he has no one.
Please help
Kim

Mama G

I think your husband is right.
And they owe him a huge apology. Let it be a lesson for them! If they do apologize he should accept it, although I'm pretty sure it won't end there. Sounds like these people need a wake up call and it appears he has given it to them. I'm so sorry for both of you.
God bless.
L

sparky72156

I know exactly how he feels.
I know exactly how he feels. When my husband was diagnosed with brain cancer six years ago, my sister thought that she should tell me how I should handle everything. The way I look at it, when I needed her most, she dumped on me. Since then, I have been polite and cordial when we've been together with family, but I am not interested in seeing her at all because I don't trust her. She has never made any attempt to apologize. Family dynamics can be brutal during the good times; the bad times tell you how things REALLY are. If his family can't be there for him during his time of need, and if they see no need to apologize for their behavior, I say.....cut them out of your life. No one needs that kind of attitude. Now that I have breast cancer, my sister said, "If you need a SISTER, just call." What I wanted to say was, "I needed a SISTER six years ago and I got dumped on by her. I'll stick with friends." I think that it is true that some family are only in our lives by accident. If given the choice, I'll stick with friends.

kimber10

sparky72156 said:

I know exactly how he feels.
I know exactly how he feels. When my husband was diagnosed with brain cancer six years ago, my sister thought that she should tell me how I should handle everything. The way I look at it, when I needed her most, she dumped on me. Since then, I have been polite and cordial when we've been together with family, but I am not interested in seeing her at all because I don't trust her. She has never made any attempt to apologize. Family dynamics can be brutal during the good times; the bad times tell you how things REALLY are. If his family can't be there for him during his time of need, and if they see no need to apologize for their behavior, I say.....cut them out of your life. No one needs that kind of attitude. Now that I have breast cancer, my sister said, "If you need a SISTER, just call." What I wanted to say was, "I needed a SISTER six years ago and I got dumped on by her. I'll stick with friends." I think that it is true that some family are only in our lives by accident. If given the choice, I'll stick with friends.

Thank you
Thank you both for your response it makes me feel better about the situaition like he is doing the right thing by cutting ties and that we are not blowing the whole thing out of proportion, so your responses haved eased my mind thank you so much.

lisamnovak

family
Kim,
I am sorry to hear this. My husbands family is kind of the same way. And you are right, it hurts, a lot. One thing I have learned with this is that it really shows you who your "real" family is. Family really does not have a lot to do with blood. My husband has been out of work for 2 years, we have two boys (14 & 13). I was supporting us. When I ran out of vaction, sick and FMLA, about 30 people I work with stepped in to help. People I hardly know. When I was to sick to work, I did not get paid, and they knew that. We got over $500 in grocery store gift cards, our house payment taken care of for 4 months, food/meals brought over, cash, water bills paid, not to mention all the cards and prayers. My sister sent money, my parents (who do not have very much) sent money...my husbands family don't call unless they need/want something. Then on Jan 6th, I got fired. I am still not done with treatment. My husband called his folks, and all they said was "oh, that is to bad". We are so hurt. I do think since it is his family, he should be the one to say anything to them, if and when he is ready to do so. It is hard, since his folks do EVERYTHING for his sister, and I have told his mom everthing that my friends did, and got no response. The best thing I think we (my husband, you and your husband) should do, is step away from them. Like I said, if and when your husband is ready, he should say something to them, but do not put yourself in a stressful situation, you do not need it. Hold your husband and tell him you love him. I know I am rambling, but that is what I think. Good luck! HUGS

chenheart

Dynamics are so hard, aren't
Dynamics are so hard, aren't they? I know we get hurt/angry with our family members because of the very fact that they are FAMILY~ they should know us, love us, support us, be in our corner, etc etc. Sadly, as many of us have seen, it is not the case. If our next door neighbor were to snub us or be non-receptive to our pain and suffering, we would shake our heads in wonderment and ignore it. But family??? We do have social "obligations" and other life events which make doing the Egg-Shell dance a sad reality.

I have often said that conscience is everything~if, at the end of the literal day, when we put our head on our pillow, it is good to know that we did what was right/good in our lives and that our hearts are settled. And, it sure is nice to know that we wake up every day being US~ and being thankful that we are not THEM! LOL

I have an embroidered pillow which reads: "Happiness is having a large, close-knit, loving family~ in another city!"

And my final pronouncement on the subject: We can pick our friends, but not our family!
So, surround yourself with true Kindred Spirits, and allow yourselves to be emotionally nurtured by those who have your best interest at heart.

Hugs,
Chen♥

MyTurnNow

Sometimes I think that
Sometimes I think that family can be the worst when you thought they'd be right there to help. I was the caregiver for my Mom when she was very sick and dying from COPD. I took her into my home and took care of her for about a year and a half. I have 2 brothers and a sister and I can count on one hand the number of times they came to see her or share in taking her to doctor appointments. We ALL live in the same city. I think, right or wrong, what happens is that family knows that the loved one is being taken care of and therefore just goes on with their normal life. I know with my siblings it wasn't anything intentional, it just happened. I did call them as she was nearing the end to tell them if they wanted to see her that they better make time for her. We are all different and I am a caregiver by nature, so I just did what was natural for me. I'm glad I did because I had no guilt in the end. You can't pick your family but you only have one family and therefore I think you have to overlook some of their shortcomings to keep peace. Oh yeah, I'm a peacemaker, too. Good luck Kim, but don't take it all too personal, I'm hopeful it wasn't meant that way.

BethInAz

Kim, It's amazing to me how people react to our diagnoses. I think this is probably what's going on with your family. Some people just don't have the wherewithall to handle other people's pain or they just don't know what to say. I've had people tell me that they had aunts who died from bc (did they think that would be comforting and encouraging???). I'm sorry you've found no support among family members. I've been blessed through the support I've received from friends who have been through difficult circumstances and know how to reach out and encourage/respond. I've also found my church family to be very loving and supportive. I've thought about becoming a patient advocate or starting a support group for women in my small town. In providing support for others, I find that I can forget about those who haven't known how to care for me. I begin caring for myself in very practical ways! You and your husband have each other and through good communication and sharing of your feelings about what is going on, you will become closer than ever before and become a witness to others of how dealing with this disease can be done!
Blessings on your days ahead.
Beth

Aortus

I kinda understand
The Moopster and I live in the Missouri Ozarks. My family lives in Wisconsin, Moopy's lives in Tennessee.

Moopy's big sister and her dad and stepmother have been awesome. Need them for any reason - boom, whap, they're at our doorstep, no questions asked. Physically, emotionally, whatever.

My siblings, on the the other hand, certainly mean well. They often ask detailed questions about how Moopy is doing, and they always remember to pass along their best wishes, so I guess I'm way ahead of your husband in that department.

But for whatever reason, I have never felt like I could talk with either of my siblings about what *I'm* going through. They both tend to be extremely focused on what *they're* going through at any particular time. I try to be of whatever comfort, or assistance, I can be to them - but I'm not exactly getting a hell of a lot in return. I don't really *need* a hell of a lot from them (I am happily married to a woman who is not only beautiful and charming but my best friend and most valued counselor). Still, your post obviously struck a chord with me, because I think I have some idea how your husband feels.

You might suggest that he join this forum... husbands are allowed to post here, and the ladies here really don't torment me all *that* much. Seriously, just being a part of the conversations here over the last year have made a tremendous difference to me as the adoring spouse of a BC survivor. I know it's no substitute for the warm embrace of one's family. But it really helps. Besides, I could use having another guy around here to deflect some of the flak!

Best,
Joe

kimber10

Aortus said:

I kinda understand
The Moopster and I live in the Missouri Ozarks. My family lives in Wisconsin, Moopy's lives in Tennessee.

Moopy's big sister and her dad and stepmother have been awesome. Need them for any reason - boom, whap, they're at our doorstep, no questions asked. Physically, emotionally, whatever.

My siblings, on the the other hand, certainly mean well. They often ask detailed questions about how Moopy is doing, and they always remember to pass along their best wishes, so I guess I'm way ahead of your husband in that department.

But for whatever reason, I have never felt like I could talk with either of my siblings about what *I'm* going through. They both tend to be extremely focused on what *they're* going through at any particular time. I try to be of whatever comfort, or assistance, I can be to them - but I'm not exactly getting a hell of a lot in return. I don't really *need* a hell of a lot from them (I am happily married to a woman who is not only beautiful and charming but my best friend and most valued counselor). Still, your post obviously struck a chord with me, because I think I have some idea how your husband feels.

You might suggest that he join this forum... husbands are allowed to post here, and the ladies here really don't torment me all *that* much. Seriously, just being a part of the conversations here over the last year have made a tremendous difference to me as the adoring spouse of a BC survivor. I know it's no substitute for the warm embrace of one's family. But it really helps. Besides, I could use having another guy around here to deflect some of the flak!

Best,
Joe

thanks to all
Thanks to all it really helps to get some input (maybe I can sleep tonight instead of fretting about this lol)and maybe I could get my husband to join the site he really has no one except me and I don't think people realize how hard it really is on our partners they are scared worried and trying to be strong and help us through this and they need a boost and a shoulder to lean and or cry on as well sometimes.
thanks again for all the advice and kindness it always feels so much better to know your not alone in your dysfunction hehehehe
Thanks to All
Kim

dbs1673

Aortus said:

I kinda understand
The Moopster and I live in the Missouri Ozarks. My family lives in Wisconsin, Moopy's lives in Tennessee.

Moopy's big sister and her dad and stepmother have been awesome. Need them for any reason - boom, whap, they're at our doorstep, no questions asked. Physically, emotionally, whatever.

My siblings, on the the other hand, certainly mean well. They often ask detailed questions about how Moopy is doing, and they always remember to pass along their best wishes, so I guess I'm way ahead of your husband in that department.

But for whatever reason, I have never felt like I could talk with either of my siblings about what *I'm* going through. They both tend to be extremely focused on what *they're* going through at any particular time. I try to be of whatever comfort, or assistance, I can be to them - but I'm not exactly getting a hell of a lot in return. I don't really *need* a hell of a lot from them (I am happily married to a woman who is not only beautiful and charming but my best friend and most valued counselor). Still, your post obviously struck a chord with me, because I think I have some idea how your husband feels.

You might suggest that he join this forum... husbands are allowed to post here, and the ladies here really don't torment me all *that* much. Seriously, just being a part of the conversations here over the last year have made a tremendous difference to me as the adoring spouse of a BC survivor. I know it's no substitute for the warm embrace of one's family. But it really helps. Besides, I could use having another guy around here to deflect some of the flak!

Best,
Joe

painful
Sometimes I'm convinced it's not the cancer that will kill us, it's the waiting...waiting for dr appts, waiting for surgery, waiting for treatments, and waiting for our friends/families to do the right thing. Makes the medical stuff seem easy. My brother and sister-in law are both in the medical field, live 3 miles away. My sister-in-law brought one meal and my brother has NEVER called or asked how I am doing in the year and a half since I was dignosed. We too used to vacation together, now barely talk when we are at a family function. My sister, who lives 7 miles away, is the spoiled one of the bunch. At my second round of reconstrction surgery she said "Well, have fun!". My other brother has been a rock of support. It is painful,disheartening and no excuse or rationalization will make it better. That is how it IS for them. What IS for me is knowing where and who to go to when I'm in need. In these past 18 months I have learned so much. While sadly those lessons have not been all good, I do know that Life is Good!

pdv

Family Dynamics are Hard
I can't start to tell you why your husbands family are acting the way they are but I am finding out that many people around me are acting the same way that people do when you have lost a loved one. They really don't know what to say or how to act. Even my mom made the statement she really didn't know what to do for me or to say. I can say that no matter what my family or my husbands family does or doesn't do, I have decided not to let it bother me because life is to short. I will forgive them and make the first move if that is what it takes even though I am the one sick. I love all my family and friends no matter what and I want to be sure and let them know that I do. This illness has changed my whole perspective on everything.

I pray you and your husband find peace about this.

chenheart

pdv said:

Family Dynamics are Hard
I can't start to tell you why your husbands family are acting the way they are but I am finding out that many people around me are acting the same way that people do when you have lost a loved one. They really don't know what to say or how to act. Even my mom made the statement she really didn't know what to do for me or to say. I can say that no matter what my family or my husbands family does or doesn't do, I have decided not to let it bother me because life is to short. I will forgive them and make the first move if that is what it takes even though I am the one sick. I love all my family and friends no matter what and I want to be sure and let them know that I do. This illness has changed my whole perspective on everything.

I pray you and your husband find peace about this.

pdv
The BEAUTIFUL difference
pdv
The BEAUTIFUL difference in this is the caring honesty of your mom...she didn't know what to do or say, and didn't you feel better just knowing that? I felt an instant connection with your mom; it is very hard for so many family members. But to be silent, absent,aloof or non-supportive at a time of need is just so hurtful. If all those who are afraid for us ( and themselves...what if cancer is cantagious? at the very least it makes all of us aware of our mortality!)or uncomfortable, or angry at the change this has brought to our previous "normalcy", we would all do better of the air was clear and everyone would be as honsest as your mom! I know I would have loved hearing that from someone! The ice would have been broken, and new bridges would have been traveled on.

Hugs, and thanks for the insight!

Chen♥

fauxma

chenheart said:

pdv
The BEAUTIFUL difference
pdv
The BEAUTIFUL difference in this is the caring honesty of your mom...she didn't know what to do or say, and didn't you feel better just knowing that? I felt an instant connection with your mom; it is very hard for so many family members. But to be silent, absent,aloof or non-supportive at a time of need is just so hurtful. If all those who are afraid for us ( and themselves...what if cancer is cantagious? at the very least it makes all of us aware of our mortality!)or uncomfortable, or angry at the change this has brought to our previous "normalcy", we would all do better of the air was clear and everyone would be as honsest as your mom! I know I would have loved hearing that from someone! The ice would have been broken, and new bridges would have been traveled on.

Hugs, and thanks for the insight!

Chen♥

Okay, Chen, you win on for
Okay, Chen, you win on for the most multiple posts, but then it was good advice so it bore repeating. LOL
Stef

chenheart

pdv said:

Family Dynamics are Hard
I can't start to tell you why your husbands family are acting the way they are but I am finding out that many people around me are acting the same way that people do when you have lost a loved one. They really don't know what to say or how to act. Even my mom made the statement she really didn't know what to do for me or to say. I can say that no matter what my family or my husbands family does or doesn't do, I have decided not to let it bother me because life is to short. I will forgive them and make the first move if that is what it takes even though I am the one sick. I love all my family and friends no matter what and I want to be sure and let them know that I do. This illness has changed my whole perspective on everything.

I pray you and your husband find peace about this.

pdvThe BEAUTIFUL difference
wow...quadruple posts! At least! LOL

chenheart

pdv said:

Family Dynamics are Hard
I can't start to tell you why your husbands family are acting the way they are but I am finding out that many people around me are acting the same way that people do when you have lost a loved one. They really don't know what to say or how to act. Even my mom made the statement she really didn't know what to do for me or to say. I can say that no matter what my family or my husbands family does or doesn't do, I have decided not to let it bother me because life is to short. I will forgive them and make the first move if that is what it takes even though I am the one sick. I love all my family and friends no matter what and I want to be sure and let them know that I do. This illness has changed my whole perspective on everything.

I pray you and your husband find peace about this.

pdvThe BEAUTIFUL difference
sigh

chenheart

pdv said:

Family Dynamics are Hard
I can't start to tell you why your husbands family are acting the way they are but I am finding out that many people around me are acting the same way that people do when you have lost a loved one. They really don't know what to say or how to act. Even my mom made the statement she really didn't know what to do for me or to say. I can say that no matter what my family or my husbands family does or doesn't do, I have decided not to let it bother me because life is to short. I will forgive them and make the first move if that is what it takes even though I am the one sick. I love all my family and friends no matter what and I want to be sure and let them know that I do. This illness has changed my whole perspective on everything.

I pray you and your husband find peace about this.

pdvThe BEAUTIFUL difference
once more with feeling! LOL

lizzie17

sparky72156 said:

I know exactly how he feels.
I know exactly how he feels. When my husband was diagnosed with brain cancer six years ago, my sister thought that she should tell me how I should handle everything. The way I look at it, when I needed her most, she dumped on me. Since then, I have been polite and cordial when we've been together with family, but I am not interested in seeing her at all because I don't trust her. She has never made any attempt to apologize. Family dynamics can be brutal during the good times; the bad times tell you how things REALLY are. If his family can't be there for him during his time of need, and if they see no need to apologize for their behavior, I say.....cut them out of your life. No one needs that kind of attitude. Now that I have breast cancer, my sister said, "If you need a SISTER, just call." What I wanted to say was, "I needed a SISTER six years ago and I got dumped on by her. I'll stick with friends." I think that it is true that some family are only in our lives by accident. If given the choice, I'll stick with friends.

my sister
WOW I have similar issues with my sister and I like what you said, the bad times tell you how things REALLY are. I found that out the hard, and hurtful way. Our families live about 30 minutes apart and would get together at Christmas only!! No phone calls in between except my sister and I, and most of those created some type of stress. She really turned her back on me after my mastectomy and continues to do so. My friends have stuck by me totally. Thank God for the "sister" in them.

chenheart

pdv said:

Family Dynamics are Hard
I can't start to tell you why your husbands family are acting the way they are but I am finding out that many people around me are acting the same way that people do when you have lost a loved one. They really don't know what to say or how to act. Even my mom made the statement she really didn't know what to do for me or to say. I can say that no matter what my family or my husbands family does or doesn't do, I have decided not to let it bother me because life is to short. I will forgive them and make the first move if that is what it takes even though I am the one sick. I love all my family and friends no matter what and I want to be sure and let them know that I do. This illness has changed my whole perspective on everything.

I pray you and your husband find peace about this.

pdvThe BEAUTIFUL difference
how monotonous! LOL

chenheart

fauxma said:

Okay, Chen, you win on for
Okay, Chen, you win on for the most multiple posts, but then it was good advice so it bore repeating. LOL
Stef

Sheeeesh Stef! You replied
Sheeeesh Stef! You replied befoe I could erase my last post....LOL Very irritating when this happens, huh? The multiple posts, I mean!

Hugs,
Chen♥

aztec45

I Feel Bad
I feel bad for your husband. I know that kind of pain hurts worst of all. My brothers really upset me sometimes. They don't call to see how I am. If I ask them for help, it is like I asked them take my place in the dentist's chair. And the wives of my brothers are even worse. It is like they can't share my brother. Really. I did not realize that I had to compete for my brother's time and deal with my cancer too. So I do what I always do...make my own way with my mom's help of course. Like some people have stated, you can choose to forgive and forget or you can let the ill feelings fester like an old wound. I agree that life is short so I would hang on to those who are there for you and supportive and say to h*@l with those who are not.

P