What to do...

TLynn0102
TLynn0102 Member Posts: 86
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
Last night the hubby and I hung out with his cousin and her finace. They are nice people and I enjoy both of them, but she and I have a conflict when it comes to BC. Honestly this situaiton just makes me mad! See two years ago her sister was diagnosed with BC and shortly after I followed. She and I were very close prior to our illness and of course are a lot closer now because we share a commonon experience. Prior to her illness she had some difficulty with depression, drinking and a husband who was and still is a jerk. The hubby has since moved out and now lives with the sister and her fiance. During a conversation last night I tried to explain to her sister that chemo and cancer changes you and everyone does not go through the same things. She seems to think that because I am 'okay' her sister is some sort of a freak because she has not moved forward yet. She is blaming everything her sisters hubby is going through on her and says that the cancer is over and she should be fine. It is difficult to explain to someone who has not walked this journey what one goes through and make them realize that your experience does change you wheather you want it to or not. Has anyone else run into a situation like this and if so how do you go about explaining it to someone? Are there any good books out there that I could point her to so that she can learn about what her sister is experiencing or is it too late to try to help? Thanks for your help!

Comments

  • roseann4
    roseann4 Member Posts: 992 Member
    #2
    That's a tough one.
    All of us who have had the Cancer experience are changed by the experience but I don't know of any books that directly address that. The problem is that even if you found a book, she still may not believe it. Our egos can want to be right and close us down to new information even if it is helpful. I have read several books by Dr. Bernie Seigel that address that changing our stressful living situations can help us heal physically as well as mentally. But I don't thing that's what you are looking for in this situation.

    Does it really matter what this person thinks? We are all on our own journey and she may not be ready for the advanced degree we received due to breast cancer. Not the way I would have wanted to grow as a person, but I am definately different in so many ways.

    I hope someone else with have book suggestions.

    Roseann
  • shortscake
    shortscake Member Posts: 228
    #3
    hate to say
    I hate to say but sound like she didn't deal with her sister cancer and the hubby of her sister didn't deal with his wife having cancer, cancer changes people in diff ways and with the husband being a jerk and still one i think there were a lot of problems there before bc came in to their life, and the sad thing is i am sure the sister was not there for the sick sister also, there is a lot of things that this family needs to work out along with the bc. all you can do for them is pray for them.
  • lanie940
    lanie940 Member Posts: 490 Member
    #4
    Yes, I feel having cancer
    Yes, I feel having cancer DOES change you. My own situation is a bit different only because I also found out I have Celiac Disease and need a "Gluten-Free'diet for the rest of my life, which can/does/will affect my family for the rest of my life. It is almost like my breast cancer is all but forgotten, but believe me, it is always in the back of my mind. I think my husband went through more with this Celiac thing, more trips to the hospital, hospital stays of 3,6, and 4 days in a 5 week timeframe, where as the breast cancer,lymphpectomy was a few hours for the surgery and stay, a a few Dr. visits that he took off from work for to take me. I did the Radiation ALL ON MY OWN, for initial consultations and treatments.I found out that my Radiation deal cost 50,000 if not more, luckily we have Insurance!Within the last few months we probably ran up over 100,000 in costs. It is amazing just how little Ins pays the Dr.s and hospital.

    But I agree with you that if someone hasn't walked in our shoes, they just don't know how a Cancer diagnosis impacts on us.
  • Eil4186
    Eil4186 Member Posts: 949
    #5
    I don't know anyone like
    I don't know anyone like this but, I do know that this woman should be thanking God that she has not have had to face cancer herself. If she had, I wonder if she could just "get over it". As you said, cancer is terrifying and stressful, painful and life changing. I am 3 and 1/2 years out and am still struggling emotionally with it. This woman seems, cruel, indifferent and ignorant.
  • carkris
    carkris Member Posts: 4,553 Member
    #6
    Eil4186 said:

    I don't know anyone like
    I don't know anyone like this but, I do know that this woman should be thanking God that she has not have had to face cancer herself. If she had, I wonder if she could just "get over it". As you said, cancer is terrifying and stressful, painful and life changing. I am 3 and 1/2 years out and am still struggling emotionally with it. This woman seems, cruel, indifferent and ignorant.

    over the years You have some
    over the years You have some people who get it and some who dont. especially around anniversaries. Usually I just figure they arent worth it. but its harder when it is a family member who may need support. i am sure the loss of her marriage has not helped her along her journey. and she needs supports.
    So to get this woman to be more understanding and supportive would be good. But i think the most you can do is pray as shortscakes says. I am sure there are books out here, isnt one Tell me what you need Or something like that? I will ask the social worker when i go in on thurs.
  • TLynn0102
    TLynn0102 Member Posts: 86
    #7
    carkris said:

    over the years You have some
    over the years You have some people who get it and some who dont. especially around anniversaries. Usually I just figure they arent worth it. but its harder when it is a family member who may need support. i am sure the loss of her marriage has not helped her along her journey. and she needs supports.
    So to get this woman to be more understanding and supportive would be good. But i think the most you can do is pray as shortscakes says. I am sure there are books out here, isnt one Tell me what you need Or something like that? I will ask the social worker when i go in on thurs.

    Thank you all
    so much for your help. I have always been here to support my husbands cousin and will continue to do so for the rest of my life, she means the world to me. I will try some of the suggestions offered and wait to hear about the book Carkris will ask about. It is very frustrating when you have to deal with the people who just don't get it and you are at a loss for what to do. It is a sad sad situation. Again, thank you all your words are very valuable. Hugs
    Tracey
  • MyTurnNow
    MyTurnNow Member Posts: 2,686 Member
    #8
    Tracey, perhaps you can
    Tracey, perhaps you can suggest this website to this lady. She can read the trials and tribulations that we all go through. Then, maybe she'll GET IT!! Good luck.
  • KathiM
    KathiM Member Posts: 8,028 Member
    #9
    My sister thought I was for sure dying....
    until SHE was diagnosed, as well. Then, for awile, it was all about her...and she finally understood where I had been. I didn't let it show (or tried not to...lol) that some of the things that bothered her when I was fighting my battle, were the same things she shared that were very important during her battle...

    I pray that your cousin doesn't ever have to learn tollerance the way my sister did...but, the old 'walk a mile in my shoes' saying fits very, very well...

    Hugs to you for trying to fix the situation. But, sometimes, well, it can't be fixed by anyone other than the 2 involved.

    Hugs, Kathi

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