Last night

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Sandi1
Sandi1 Member Posts: 277
edited March 2014 in Colorectal Cancer #1
Last night on the way to my mother in laws for dinner with my husband, he suddenly started talking about his illness (stage 4 colon cancer with mets to his liver and lungs), he went into remission and then had a minor set back with 1 met showing up in his liver and nothing in his lungs. But he also had pulmonary embolisum (spelling?) He will be on coumadin for probably the rest of his life, the same with his chemo. After it has taken me all this time to come to terms with his illness, he said to me last night - well we don't know how long i will be able to stay on this treatment, and what if there is nothing else after this to do. And you know this cancer has spread throughout my body, it's in my blood it's only a matter of time. I'm scared, I have never heard him talk like this before. I tried to talk to him, but he just got more cynical about the whole subject. I'm not sure if this is coming from us just taking our son off to college, and it' the just the two of us here now, and his other kids from his first marriage are barely talking to him. I'm not sure if he's just feeling sorry for himself, or if he really feels like this is it. I don't know how to handle this, does anyone have any suggestions?

Sandi

Comments

  • Buzzard
    Buzzard Member Posts: 3,043 Member
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    Yes...............
    Be a good listener........when I was feeling this way I really didn't want anyone to say anything, I only wanted to hear myself admit out loud and to myself that things might go awry. It is I think the "coming to terms with it" not to mean something is going to happen, but he is finally allowing himself to be ok to feel a little scared. Listen and simply be there when he needs to do this talking. Tell him (Im sure he already knows) that you will be there and listen as long as he wants you to. If he wants an opinion he will sooner or later ask for it from you, but for now I think he is simply getting it out in the open where he can handle it.....Be easy with him, he (as well as you) is going through a major moment in his journey. Hes opening up, and that is a good thing to overcoming all fears of the disease, but don't allow him to dwell on it, after he makes the initial talk then when you sense he is starting to get quiet, then you should move in another direction with the conversation, if he is ok with the change then start talking about great things to come, or laugh and giggle about something past. Its my thoughts that he is starting to deal with it openly, allowing him to do that is a blessing for him, and you..........Love and Hope to you both, Clift
  • christinecarl
    christinecarl Member Posts: 543 Member
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    Hi
    Maybe he is moving towards acceptance and him voicing his fears will help with this. These feelings have always been there and it is good he is talking about them. I have to say I rarely talk of death, only because it either makes people feel weird around me or really sad, but the thoughts are still there :(

    I am sorry you are having to deal with this horrid disease, {{hugs}} and stay strong.
  • karguy
    karguy Member Posts: 1,020 Member
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    I think
    I think he is venting,and becoming more open with how he feels.He's started to deal with it,and he's letting you know how he feels.He knows just how deadly this decease is,and is worried,that's only normal,all you can do is listen,and give support when he needs it.I'll pray for you.
  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member
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    Coming to Terms
    I agree here...he is finally acknowledging that there could be an end at some point - and he's unsure of that because it's the UNKNOWN and that scares all of us.

    I agree with Buzzard = him verbalizing his feelings is a good thing and by saying them outlous he is sharing with you what he truly feels and wants to tell you but up to this point has not, because as Men, we want to project the image that all will be ok, even if we feel that things are not or won't be.

    He is probably scared about nothing left to do - I remember those thoughts as well and they are very sobering for all of us.

    And as Buzzard so wisely said...just give him the space to reveal his feelings, he's still the same strong man he was before.

    Best of luck and thanks for your post.

    -Craig
  • Shayenne
    Shayenne Member Posts: 2,342
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    Sundanceh said:

    Coming to Terms
    I agree here...he is finally acknowledging that there could be an end at some point - and he's unsure of that because it's the UNKNOWN and that scares all of us.

    I agree with Buzzard = him verbalizing his feelings is a good thing and by saying them outlous he is sharing with you what he truly feels and wants to tell you but up to this point has not, because as Men, we want to project the image that all will be ok, even if we feel that things are not or won't be.

    He is probably scared about nothing left to do - I remember those thoughts as well and they are very sobering for all of us.

    And as Buzzard so wisely said...just give him the space to reveal his feelings, he's still the same strong man he was before.

    Best of luck and thanks for your post.

    -Craig

    Actually
    Is a good thing to let his feelings out at what he's really thinking. I am sure he knows it isn't right now, but "at this time".

    What I seem to do is if something is going on with the kids, or something going on in Wes's family, I will throw in "When I'm not around anymore, (I want him to do this or that with the kids)"....you know what I mean? I just talk sometimes in a future sense of "if I'm not around, I hope this or that happens, and for him to make sure so and so does this or that" and he isn't crazy when I do that, he says I'll be around long enough to make sure this or that is done, but also in my heart, I know I may not be here for a long time, no one knows how long they have, but I just try to vocalize how I hope things will be done for so and so, and maybe it's just his way of trying to vocalize himself as well, for when or if something happens.

    I didn't confuse did I??? LOL

    Hugsss!
    ~Donna
  • Sandi1
    Sandi1 Member Posts: 277
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    Thank you
    Thank you so much, I guess i am blinded with my fear also. My son is off to college, it is the first time I have been away from him in all of his 20 years, and i guess now i'm afraid because it's just me here to deal with all of this my self. We will be fine - we made it through before and we will make it through this.

    Again, thank you so much for all your thoughts and prayers and advice.

    Sandi
  • Shayenne
    Shayenne Member Posts: 2,342
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    Sandi1 said:

    Thank you
    Thank you so much, I guess i am blinded with my fear also. My son is off to college, it is the first time I have been away from him in all of his 20 years, and i guess now i'm afraid because it's just me here to deal with all of this my self. We will be fine - we made it through before and we will make it through this.

    Again, thank you so much for all your thoughts and prayers and advice.

    Sandi

    You
    Are not alone Sandi, we're all here for you always! don't let fear stop you from living, we all live for the day, and pray for many more. It's ok to be afraid, but don't dwell on dark thoughts, it will just cause brain mayhem! just think about the next day, make plans for this and that, and just laugh and smile, laughter is the best medicine, great for the soul!

    Hugsss!
    ~Donna
  • geotina
    geotina Member Posts: 2,111 Member
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    Sandi
    I am a caretaker like you. My husband has mets to liver and lungs. Our only child lives outstate (we are in Michigan, she is in Chicago). It is just the two of us at home so with no kids to have around making noise you have more time to think without interruption. It always bothers George a lot when she leaves to go back home to Chicago. She is such a daddy's girl, totally. So, your son going back to college could be making hubby sad. Add to that the blues some feel after the holidays are over and you are alone again and the dark thoughts creep in. Let him talk it out if he wants to and just listen. Try to get away for a weekend if you can and do something fun and upbeat. Hopefully, the blues will pass. That's all I got. Tina
  • chicoturner
    chicoturner Member Posts: 282
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    last night
    Hi Sandi, I have often felt like your husband, but rarely say anything out loud as it is distrubing to others. Sometimes I just want to shout it all out, that no matter how strong I pretend to be (most days) I am scared and I don't want people to just assume I am fine.
    It's a fine line you walk as a caregiver. We want your strong support and confidence, but at times we need you to know just how scared we are. It sounds like to me that you are doing the right thing...listening! It's hard to not be able to always fix things, but keep loving him! Jean
  • Patteee
    Patteee Member Posts: 945
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    Shayenne said:

    Actually
    Is a good thing to let his feelings out at what he's really thinking. I am sure he knows it isn't right now, but "at this time".

    What I seem to do is if something is going on with the kids, or something going on in Wes's family, I will throw in "When I'm not around anymore, (I want him to do this or that with the kids)"....you know what I mean? I just talk sometimes in a future sense of "if I'm not around, I hope this or that happens, and for him to make sure so and so does this or that" and he isn't crazy when I do that, he says I'll be around long enough to make sure this or that is done, but also in my heart, I know I may not be here for a long time, no one knows how long they have, but I just try to vocalize how I hope things will be done for so and so, and maybe it's just his way of trying to vocalize himself as well, for when or if something happens.

    I didn't confuse did I??? LOL

    Hugsss!
    ~Donna

    I did that as well Donna
    I did that as well Donna and still do. Example- in the hospital before surgery, I was on the verge of breaking down. And why? because if something horrible happened in surgery and I didn't make it I didn't want my children to find out via a phone call. It was important to me that the family that was with me know who to get ahold of. My mother refused to even listen to me, as though not hearing it would mean I would be ok. My sister, bless her, took down the name and phone number of a friend I wanted notified, one that would go and be with my children if needed. I immediately felt better. I do it now- I think of it as being pieces of information that are important to me to get out and make sure they are heard. And it always relates to my children.

    To Sandi- I know you are scared. And probably would prefer your husband wouldn't talk like this. :) He needs to get it out, speak it, hear it, deal with it and then move forward. Now is the time to go deep, find the strength within and tell him that no matter what happens, you are in this together. That if and when the cancer returns, you two will deal with it like you have dealt with everything else up to this point. I think more than anything he wants you to know his reality and what he is facing. Perfect opportunity to take his hand, look him in the eye, tell him you love him, and no matter what happens, you will get through this together.

    Also I want to suggest the possibility of short term counseling, for you, for him, for both of you. I think a number of life alterning events have been thrown at you and you may need somebody to help you both sort through these events to move forward.
  • tootsie1
    tootsie1 Member Posts: 5,044 Member
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    Your husband is blessed
    Sandi,

    Your husband is blessed to have you to listen to his thoughts. That's the wonderful thing about marriage-having someone you can say anything to and be real. As others have already said, that listening is the best gift you can give him.

    Many years ago, my uncle had pancreatic cancer, but this was back in a time when doctors often protected their patients. Uncle Willie was never told the true diagnosis, but I'm sure he knew that if it really was the gallbladder as he was told, he would not have gone into the hospital and remained there for months until his death. I regret that he was never given a chance to share his goodbyes or worries or whatever with his family.

    I'll pray for you and your husband, that you will have many conversations for a long time to come.

    *hugs*
    Gail
  • Sandi1
    Sandi1 Member Posts: 277
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    Thank you
    Again, I want to say thank you. A few days later, he confided in me that he is feeling a little down. He had been on a chemo break and was feeling really good, he said he was dreading Tuesday when he has to go back on chemo, it makes him feel yucky, always feeling nausage and bad taste in his mouth. On those days, I try to make meals for him that have alot of spice and always try to have lemon sherbert, or lemon meriagne pie (his favorite) to cleanse his palet. By Saturday, he will be back to his old self again.

    So, Thank you again - we are doing fine. Just dealing with the two of us in the house and my son calling every day (cause I think he's a bit homesick, but he won't admit it) so were good.

    Thank you
    Sandi
  • pluckey
    pluckey Member Posts: 484 Member
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    Sandi1 said:

    Thank you
    Again, I want to say thank you. A few days later, he confided in me that he is feeling a little down. He had been on a chemo break and was feeling really good, he said he was dreading Tuesday when he has to go back on chemo, it makes him feel yucky, always feeling nausage and bad taste in his mouth. On those days, I try to make meals for him that have alot of spice and always try to have lemon sherbert, or lemon meriagne pie (his favorite) to cleanse his palet. By Saturday, he will be back to his old self again.

    So, Thank you again - we are doing fine. Just dealing with the two of us in the house and my son calling every day (cause I think he's a bit homesick, but he won't admit it) so were good.

    Thank you
    Sandi

    Buzzard and the others say
    Buzzard and the others say it so well - My sister and husbnd get very mad at me if I say anything "negative", anything not positive in the survival sense. they think it'll make me die sooner or something, not being strong and positive 24/7.

    for me, and others with cancer, we need to test the waters - we need to say things out loud, the what-ifs, the scary and sad stuff - so that it won't be so bad if we need to really deal with it all. Not sure if it makes sense, but I think what I'm saying is we often need to put the words "out there" instead of just in our crazy heads!

    Peggy
  • Buzzard
    Buzzard Member Posts: 3,043 Member
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    pluckey said:

    Buzzard and the others say
    Buzzard and the others say it so well - My sister and husbnd get very mad at me if I say anything "negative", anything not positive in the survival sense. they think it'll make me die sooner or something, not being strong and positive 24/7.

    for me, and others with cancer, we need to test the waters - we need to say things out loud, the what-ifs, the scary and sad stuff - so that it won't be so bad if we need to really deal with it all. Not sure if it makes sense, but I think what I'm saying is we often need to put the words "out there" instead of just in our crazy heads!

    Peggy

    you got it sissy girl..............
    that last sentence sums it all up.....buzz
  • Nana b
    Nana b Member Posts: 3,030 Member
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    Buzzard said:

    you got it sissy girl..............
    that last sentence sums it all up.....buzz

    Ditto
    That's it, we need to voice it, to let it sink in that it just may happen!
  • lcarper2
    lcarper2 Member Posts: 635 Member
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    Sandi1 said:

    Thank you
    Again, I want to say thank you. A few days later, he confided in me that he is feeling a little down. He had been on a chemo break and was feeling really good, he said he was dreading Tuesday when he has to go back on chemo, it makes him feel yucky, always feeling nausage and bad taste in his mouth. On those days, I try to make meals for him that have alot of spice and always try to have lemon sherbert, or lemon meriagne pie (his favorite) to cleanse his palet. By Saturday, he will be back to his old self again.

    So, Thank you again - we are doing fine. Just dealing with the two of us in the house and my son calling every day (cause I think he's a bit homesick, but he won't admit it) so were good.

    Thank you
    Sandi

    bad taste in his mouth
    when he starts chemo back and gets that metal taste in his mouth have him eat yogart any flavor he likes it takes the chemo taste out of your mouth....
  • lcarper2
    lcarper2 Member Posts: 635 Member
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    Sandi1 said:

    Thank you
    Again, I want to say thank you. A few days later, he confided in me that he is feeling a little down. He had been on a chemo break and was feeling really good, he said he was dreading Tuesday when he has to go back on chemo, it makes him feel yucky, always feeling nausage and bad taste in his mouth. On those days, I try to make meals for him that have alot of spice and always try to have lemon sherbert, or lemon meriagne pie (his favorite) to cleanse his palet. By Saturday, he will be back to his old self again.

    So, Thank you again - we are doing fine. Just dealing with the two of us in the house and my son calling every day (cause I think he's a bit homesick, but he won't admit it) so were good.

    Thank you
    Sandi

    bad taste in his mouth
    when he starts chemo back and gets that metal taste in his mouth have him eat yogart any flavor he likes it takes the chemo taste out of your mouth....
  • lcarper2
    lcarper2 Member Posts: 635 Member
    Options
    Sandi1 said:

    Thank you
    Again, I want to say thank you. A few days later, he confided in me that he is feeling a little down. He had been on a chemo break and was feeling really good, he said he was dreading Tuesday when he has to go back on chemo, it makes him feel yucky, always feeling nausage and bad taste in his mouth. On those days, I try to make meals for him that have alot of spice and always try to have lemon sherbert, or lemon meriagne pie (his favorite) to cleanse his palet. By Saturday, he will be back to his old self again.

    So, Thank you again - we are doing fine. Just dealing with the two of us in the house and my son calling every day (cause I think he's a bit homesick, but he won't admit it) so were good.

    Thank you
    Sandi

    bad taste in his mouth
    when he starts chemo back and gets that metal taste in his mouth have him eat yogart any flavor he likes it takes the chemo taste out of your mouth....
  • lcarper2
    lcarper2 Member Posts: 635 Member
    Options
    lcarper2 said:

    bad taste in his mouth
    when he starts chemo back and gets that metal taste in his mouth have him eat yogart any flavor he likes it takes the chemo taste out of your mouth....

    oop's
    don't know how I did that