Feeling down

Sam726
Sam726 Member Posts: 233
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
hi girls....geesh, i have had the worst few days. I have been crying all day. I havent cried this much since i was first diagnosed. Im just so tired of not having hair, Ive gained like 15 pounds during chemo and I just dont feel pretty anymore. People say, "oh, you are pretty wiht or without hair, or dont worry about the weight" but it doesnt matter. I just lost 30 lbs last year and Im going to have to do it all over again. I am so close to finishing chemo but feels like eternity. Ive been so positive up until this last treatment. I want to be done soooooo bad. Did any of you reach this low point during treatment? I hate this...
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Comments

  • Taina
    Taina Member Posts: 166
    You are beautiful....
    Hello, Sam....
    I think must of us has gone thru all of what you are describing...
    I personally have some days like yours. My hair is just coming out
    but i wish comes in faster....I don't feel pretty either some days...
    I can't do the things like i use to like walking, dancing because
    i get so tire and fatigue so fast.
    But i know i will get better and i will be stronger....
    This is just a temporary period we are on right now....
    You are beautiful......
    We love you...
    big hug your way!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • terpsi
    terpsi Member Posts: 33
    feeling down, up, down . . .
    My emotions run the gamut. I'm always strong, either way, though, so I'm either fighting like hell or sobbing. That's either the advantage or disadvantage of being passionate, I suppose.

    You are beautiful, and you will feel beautiful again. Let yourself grieve for the part of you that feels lost right now, but know that the essence of who you are will emerge again and feel stronger than ever before. You will see how beautiful you are despite what your body has gone through, and you will be amazed that the woman in you can endure what it has and yet re-emerge more vibrant than ever.

    I allow myself the sad moments now--I used to fight them but then realized that I need to allow myself to HATE this f*&_ing disease for a brief period so I can get past that feeling and get back to my positive thoughts and positive fight. Sometimes I'm so scared, and I look at my lashless, browless, bald, puffy, red, steroid face and wonder who that is. But then I remember I've done this before and come back, and I will come back again, no matter what . . . I'm 58 and I believe with all my might that I will endure this.

    You are young and strong and will come through this victorious. You can't see that every day, but remember to close your eyes and envision yourself after the battle. You will not be the same woman you were going in, but you will be more, you will be better, you will be stronger and you will feel your beauty more then than you ever will have.

    Love and hugs,
    donna peach
  • Marlene_K
    Marlene_K Member Posts: 508
    Been there
    I'm by far not the expert here, in fact, I believe you are ahead of me in treatment, but I can say that I've had down moments before. From most of the posts I've read from you, you are a very positive person and all that we are going through and the changes to our looks & our bodies (internally & externally) thank GOD are temporary. Whenever I get down about my looks, I try (I repeat TRY) to think of people who are much less fortunate than us... born deformed for life or have been permanently scarred. There is no light at the end of the tunnel for these people. There is a finish line for us and you're almost there! If you lost 30 lbs last year, you'll do it again because you know how to. You're a beautiful young lady, Sam, and you're gonna come out of this even more beautiful than you were because of the inner strength it takes to fight our battle. Allow yourself a pity party, but don't make it last. I am very thankful that I still haven't lost my sense of humor and when I get a glance of myself in the mirror when I get out of the shower (because normally I try to avoid it), and I see this reflection of someone I don't know, I honestly laugh! I never thought I'd be capable of enduring the fact that I am one less boob (didn't have reconstruction), bald and overweight (I, too, have put on 15 lbs since diagnosis and the way I'm going, I'm sure it will be more). I'm sure this is a very temporary down time for you. We have to remember to count our blessings and not our misfortunes... sometimes much easier said than done; believe me, I know!

    Big Hugs ~ Mar
  • New Flower
    New Flower Member Posts: 4,294
    Marlene_K said:

    Been there
    I'm by far not the expert here, in fact, I believe you are ahead of me in treatment, but I can say that I've had down moments before. From most of the posts I've read from you, you are a very positive person and all that we are going through and the changes to our looks & our bodies (internally & externally) thank GOD are temporary. Whenever I get down about my looks, I try (I repeat TRY) to think of people who are much less fortunate than us... born deformed for life or have been permanently scarred. There is no light at the end of the tunnel for these people. There is a finish line for us and you're almost there! If you lost 30 lbs last year, you'll do it again because you know how to. You're a beautiful young lady, Sam, and you're gonna come out of this even more beautiful than you were because of the inner strength it takes to fight our battle. Allow yourself a pity party, but don't make it last. I am very thankful that I still haven't lost my sense of humor and when I get a glance of myself in the mirror when I get out of the shower (because normally I try to avoid it), and I see this reflection of someone I don't know, I honestly laugh! I never thought I'd be capable of enduring the fact that I am one less boob (didn't have reconstruction), bald and overweight (I, too, have put on 15 lbs since diagnosis and the way I'm going, I'm sure it will be more). I'm sure this is a very temporary down time for you. We have to remember to count our blessings and not our misfortunes... sometimes much easier said than done; believe me, I know!

    Big Hugs ~ Mar

    Absolutely
    Yes, we all have been there many, many times.
    You are a very strong and beautiful and will be done with treatments soon.Just be a little patient.
    Hugs
  • Mama G
    Mama G Member Posts: 762

    Absolutely
    Yes, we all have been there many, many times.
    You are a very strong and beautiful and will be done with treatments soon.Just be a little patient.
    Hugs

    Xanax
    I have an oncologist who is a 17 year survivor herself and she did me a big favor by prescribing Xanax and telling me to take as needed. I don't need it every day, but when I do it really helps. My son jokes with me that I am doing my "z bars", which i found out is a heck of a lot of Xanax!!! There is a place in our lives where we can use some help and NOW is the time. God bless,
    Lorraine
  • Kat11
    Kat11 Member Posts: 1,931 Member
    Marlene_K said:

    Been there
    I'm by far not the expert here, in fact, I believe you are ahead of me in treatment, but I can say that I've had down moments before. From most of the posts I've read from you, you are a very positive person and all that we are going through and the changes to our looks & our bodies (internally & externally) thank GOD are temporary. Whenever I get down about my looks, I try (I repeat TRY) to think of people who are much less fortunate than us... born deformed for life or have been permanently scarred. There is no light at the end of the tunnel for these people. There is a finish line for us and you're almost there! If you lost 30 lbs last year, you'll do it again because you know how to. You're a beautiful young lady, Sam, and you're gonna come out of this even more beautiful than you were because of the inner strength it takes to fight our battle. Allow yourself a pity party, but don't make it last. I am very thankful that I still haven't lost my sense of humor and when I get a glance of myself in the mirror when I get out of the shower (because normally I try to avoid it), and I see this reflection of someone I don't know, I honestly laugh! I never thought I'd be capable of enduring the fact that I am one less boob (didn't have reconstruction), bald and overweight (I, too, have put on 15 lbs since diagnosis and the way I'm going, I'm sure it will be more). I'm sure this is a very temporary down time for you. We have to remember to count our blessings and not our misfortunes... sometimes much easier said than done; believe me, I know!

    Big Hugs ~ Mar

    I know how you feel. It's
    I know how you feel. It's not bad enough that we have BC, we have to look the part as well. I hate looking sick. I hate looking at myself to. I am tired of people telling me it's just hair it will come back. I know this, but for now I don't have hair or lashes and yes it matters. I also know that its part of my cure, so I am hanging in there the best I can. You have to do the same. We will get through this. Hugs
  • mlmjt1
    mlmjt1 Member Posts: 537
    HI Sam
    Yes I felt pretty down in the dumps especially towards the end of A/c. That stuff was sooo hard on me. The taxol wasnt as bad but I know what you mean about the hair and not looking pretty and all. Mine is finally starting to grow back. I have fuzz all over now but I still have a longgggggggggggggggggggg way to go.

    Are you able to get out and exercise at all? For me that has made a huge difference in my energy level and my quality of life. It makes me feel so much better and I think my color is better when I go.

    Please be gentle with yourself...this journey is a long one and you need to take 1 step at a time. Soon the chemo will be done and you will start feeling and looking like yourself again.

    Hugs
    Linda t
  • mizcaldwell
    mizcaldwell Member Posts: 143
    Thoughts and prayers are
    Thoughts and prayers are with you. I'm at the beginning stages of treatment - one chemo round down, the next after Thanksgiving. My hair started falling out today. . .and yes, it does make me sad. But think of how far you have come - and hold on. It has to get better! People try to make us feel better - but they don't really know how. You know, my surgeon told me the other day that, on average, women gain 12 pounds during chemo - so some are gaining a lot more and some are losing to get that average! This breast cancer is the "gift" that keeps on giving - doesn't it!!!! It seems there is no end to the things that come with it! But there is an end - and you are close - so consider yourself hugged and loved by all of us going through it with you. We share your pain, frustration and tears.

    God bless,

    Lori
  • natly15
    natly15 Member Posts: 1,941
    Hey Sam you are an
    Hey Sam you are an attractive young woman. What we are all experiencing is only temporary. "This too shall,Pass". I felt so ugly today, I sat myself down and put make up on. How fortunate because a neighbor knocked on the door right after I did so. I know about that weight story. As Marloene said you lost it before and you can do it again. Most of that weight gain is from the steroids. My middle section is larger than ever, and my bottom is wider and larger. I thought for sure with all this nausea and cracker eating that I'd loose weight, well not true. It's not a comforting fact, but we are all in this same boat at the moment. Sam Smile, because Whomever or whatever your God happens to be,God Loves You.
  • Goldenguru
    Goldenguru Member Posts: 23
    natly15 said:

    Hey Sam you are an
    Hey Sam you are an attractive young woman. What we are all experiencing is only temporary. "This too shall,Pass". I felt so ugly today, I sat myself down and put make up on. How fortunate because a neighbor knocked on the door right after I did so. I know about that weight story. As Marloene said you lost it before and you can do it again. Most of that weight gain is from the steroids. My middle section is larger than ever, and my bottom is wider and larger. I thought for sure with all this nausea and cracker eating that I'd loose weight, well not true. It's not a comforting fact, but we are all in this same boat at the moment. Sam Smile, because Whomever or whatever your God happens to be,God Loves You.

    Hugs Sam!!!
    I so get what

    Hugs Sam!!!

    I so get what you are going through. And yes - I have had days of crying. I would be worried about your state of mind if you didn't have these emotional upheavals. We have been through an ordeal - and just as chemo is healing our bodies - the grieving process will help to heal our emotions.

    Allow yourself your grief - and then find a way to crawl back up out 'of the hole'.
  • Sam726
    Sam726 Member Posts: 233
    once again
    you girls pull through for me. I knew I could count on your pep talks! Thanks again...hopefully today is a better day!
    Sam
  • elm3544
    elm3544 Member Posts: 748
    Sam726 said:

    once again
    you girls pull through for me. I knew I could count on your pep talks! Thanks again...hopefully today is a better day!
    Sam

    Thinking of you today and
    Thinking of you today and hoping you are feeling better...
    I've been there myself, as I think all of us have or will.
    I have gained weight, too and I have always been slim so it bothers me alot.
    My Onc. says it is nothing to be concerned about but what does he know? he's an old man! LOL
    You can't expect to feel happy and positive every minute. I think that tears can be healing to the soul. Try to do something nice for yourself on those days. Pamper yourself with something special that gives you comfort.
  • VickiSam
    VickiSam Member Posts: 9,079 Member
    elm3544 said:

    Thinking of you today and
    Thinking of you today and hoping you are feeling better...
    I've been there myself, as I think all of us have or will.
    I have gained weight, too and I have always been slim so it bothers me alot.
    My Onc. says it is nothing to be concerned about but what does he know? he's an old man! LOL
    You can't expect to feel happy and positive every minute. I think that tears can be healing to the soul. Try to do something nice for yourself on those days. Pamper yourself with something special that gives you comfort.

    Sam, Sam and other Chemo Warriors suffering from
    the emotional up's and down's of chemo .. Yes, I wish we we're finished with dripping poison into our veins .. God, I don't even want to think of the long term efforts this will have on our health .. But, Damn it .. we need to find a way to make it to the finish line .. crawling, scratching or crying our way there.

    Yes, I want to give in and give up .. I hate my life of solitude .. under house arrest due to my wbc .. up and down, down and up. I hate that I can't go upstairs more than 2 times a day, down from 5 to 7 times several weeks ago. I am just plain tired and fatigued all the time. I cry after each of TCH treatments for days .. cuz, I am unable to eat .. Yes, I've lost weight, but I've also lost muscle mass and energy that I will fight months to get back. Now that I think about it, my Herceptin weeks are not much better. I cry alot lately because I hate my agressive 18 week chemo treatment program .. and I've decided that I don't care too much for my oncologist and his PA. why oh why do I have to finish .. I truly know why and how many women fighting breast cancer, quit chemo treatment programs .. opting out. It is one of the most difficult thing we as women will have to face.

    I was once a very happy person, this chemo and breast cancer has changed me .. for life .. and I am sure that my personality and body will return to normal after the dust and chemo treatments have subsided.

    VickiSam
  • taleena
    taleena Member Posts: 1,612 Member
    Hey Sam... it's okay to be
    Hey Sam... it's okay to be down... this road brings a roller coaster of emotion... we all have our low points.. that's why we are all here... to see eachother through it... know that I am sending extra positve thoughts your way... almost to the end of this leg of the journey... hang in there!

    Hugs,
    ~T
  • jennN
    jennN Member Posts: 40
    feeling down
    I hope you are feeling better today. Sometimes a day makes a big difference. Our hormones are all over the place too. If you are still feeling down, take some time for yourself and do something fun. You deserve it. I too feel ugly..and try not to. I do have a friend who is now just getting her hair back and she looks COOL...very ARTISTIC...and I am hoping to look that way too. :) Your hair will be back soon. When I feel blah..I l buy some new earrings or a lipstick...and moisturize my face for an extra glow.

    Jen
  • mimivac
    mimivac Member Posts: 2,143
    Yep
    There comes a point when you are sick of being positive, when you just can't do it anymore, when all you want is to be done with all this crap -- the hair loss, the weight gain, the mouth sores, the fatigue, the fear. It is normal and even probably healthy, emotion-wise. I'm sorry. I know it doesn't help to say that you will have hair again and lose the weight, because that's not where you are right now, so I won't say that. I'll just tell you that I have been there more than once, feeling like I couldn't take another step; where I have spiraled into negativity and fatalistic thinking. It's OK. You're going through a sh*t storm right now. Cry and ride it out. Take a bath, buy a new book, watch an old movie, treat yourself well, do whatever it takes. You will come out of this.

    Mimi
  • Sam726
    Sam726 Member Posts: 233
    mimivac said:

    Yep
    There comes a point when you are sick of being positive, when you just can't do it anymore, when all you want is to be done with all this crap -- the hair loss, the weight gain, the mouth sores, the fatigue, the fear. It is normal and even probably healthy, emotion-wise. I'm sorry. I know it doesn't help to say that you will have hair again and lose the weight, because that's not where you are right now, so I won't say that. I'll just tell you that I have been there more than once, feeling like I couldn't take another step; where I have spiraled into negativity and fatalistic thinking. It's OK. You're going through a sh*t storm right now. Cry and ride it out. Take a bath, buy a new book, watch an old movie, treat yourself well, do whatever it takes. You will come out of this.

    Mimi

    Better
    Hey girls....doing better today. A long time customer of mine surprised me with 4 hockey tix for tonights game, they are Suite tix so im excited. Im taking my son because I have been an absolute bit*! to him for no reason, part of me being crabby! So im hoping to make it up to him. Leaving for Moms on wednesday...will do me good to get away! Thanks again...u girls rock!
    Sam
  • laurissa
    laurissa Member Posts: 773
    Hi, Sam
    I've been exactly the same way. Seeing myself in the mirror with no hair and no makeup is quite a sight. Last year I lost 50 lbs and 30 of them found me again. My appetite is outrageous. Maybe it's the steroids. My nurse says this is not the time to lose weight, but I feel so bloated in the face. Remember it's temporary. (That phrase doesn't help much does it?) We'll get through it. I have good days and bad days too.
  • Sunrae
    Sunrae Member Posts: 808
    laurissa said:

    Hi, Sam
    I've been exactly the same way. Seeing myself in the mirror with no hair and no makeup is quite a sight. Last year I lost 50 lbs and 30 of them found me again. My appetite is outrageous. Maybe it's the steroids. My nurse says this is not the time to lose weight, but I feel so bloated in the face. Remember it's temporary. (That phrase doesn't help much does it?) We'll get through it. I have good days and bad days too.

    Sam, my heart goes out to
    Sam, my heart goes out to you. My dear young strong beautiful sister, you have always been so great, positive and supportive. You are beautiful, no matter what and don't let your outer self tell you anything different. You are a beautiful soul and looks like your inner beauty is already coming back in your latest post. Your outer beauty will return and you'll blossom once again soon. And so will all the rest of you beautiful strong courageous sisters. I'm proud of all of you and my thoughts and prayers are with you. Much love, Sunrae
    PS Don't let my baby pic fool you. I'm a old lady.
  • meena1
    meena1 Member Posts: 1,003
    I just put up a new post,
    I just put up a new post, "take a deep breath" I hope that everyone reads it. i have been where you all are, i have been through this. You will get through this, I swear!! and you will be stronger, braver and more beautiful. Your hair will grow back thick and curly, Cry if you need to, it does help, but do not give up.