my husbands mother

ddjohn
ddjohn Member Posts: 1
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
Hi, my name is DeeDee. My husband's mother has just been diagnosed with breast cancer. We were just told today. WOW!!!! I just need advice how to be supportive for him.Fisrt Oncology appt is on Wed. this week he is going with her. I have to work. Since he was told today he has not said two words. It is very frustrating for me. I don't know how to comfort and support him if he is not speaking. I know he is sad. I just really don't want him to hold this inside you know. Please anyone with advice for me on how to support him. This is just the beginning. I too am very sad. She is like a 2nd mother to me!! She treats me just as she if she is my mother. Please help guide us through this difficult time. thank you for your time.DeeDee

Comments

  • TxLady
    TxLady Member Posts: 37
    #2
    DeeDee
    I am so sorry for your family's news. However, you have come to a very supportive website. The women (and men) on this website are a wonderful group of brave, humorous, supportive, you name, they are it.

    A brief history: When I found the lump (that was later dx as BC), the hardest conversation I had to have was with my husband. He lost his mother almost 30 years ealier to BC. He was 18 and postponed college to be her caretaker so his dad could continue to work for insurance to treat her. Treatment was different then and her battle with BC ended after 4 years. So, 30 years later, when I am the exact age his mother was when she was diagnose, I broke the news to him.

    I suspected he was frightened, stunned, etc. but he could not/or would not discuss his feelings with me. After a week, when he still wouldn't talk, I called his oldest brother, whom my husband often turns to for advice. I asked him to talk to my husband because he needed to talk to someone about his feelings, even if it wasn't me. His brother came by with guitars and they spent the afternoon playing music and discussing my BC. I don't know what was said, but I do know it made a big difference - my husband seemed to be much better after that meeting. We now deal with this disease together, day by day.

    So, after this long winded explanation, perhaps there is a close sibling or friend that he can talk to, then it will be easier for him to talk to you and his mom about her disease.
  • LadyParvati
    LadyParvati Member Posts: 328
    #3
    Tough Situation
    Oh, DeeDee, what a tough situation. Guys often handle pain very differently from women; many do not feel comfortable verbalizing their feelings at all. My DH is like that. However, the fact that your husband is able to go with his mother to the oncology appt is helpful, as he will feel that he is doing *something* to help his mother. Guys like my husband and maybe yours generally want to take action, not talk.

    He may be able to talk most easily about the facts of the oncology visit if his mother lets him see the doctor with her or tells him the details, or you may have to ask her for the details. You might also ask him what he thinks the two of you can do to help his mother over the coming months. Once you have some details about her type of cancer, its stage, and her treatment plan, you'll be able to find out more about what to expect and how you can best support her. The National Cancer Institute, as well as other sources, has some great free booklets and other information about what cancer patients need as well as what caregivers need.

    You might also search for the thread that talks about the stupid things people have said to us (cancer patients) so you'll know some things to avoid. Being positive is important, but denying the patient's reality is not good--having cancer is tough, and we can't always stay positive. We need our real feelings of fear, sadness, anger, fatigue, and just plain feeling ill to be recognized and acknowledged. Sometimes it's just better to say, "I don't know what to say--this is tough."

    Edit: link to the thread: http://csn.cancer.org/node/178032

    Overall, my suggestion is to hug him a lot. He may not be able to talk about this, but knowing that you love him and support him and his mother will be of great comfort. This is true for her as well--hugs are one of the most important "medicines" in the world.

    Keep in touch with us--we'll help you as much as we can. Best wishes to all of you as you travel this new path together.

    Sandy
  • Sunrae
    Sunrae Member Posts: 808
    #4
    LadyParvati said:

    Tough Situation
    Oh, DeeDee, what a tough situation. Guys often handle pain very differently from women; many do not feel comfortable verbalizing their feelings at all. My DH is like that. However, the fact that your husband is able to go with his mother to the oncology appt is helpful, as he will feel that he is doing *something* to help his mother. Guys like my husband and maybe yours generally want to take action, not talk.

    He may be able to talk most easily about the facts of the oncology visit if his mother lets him see the doctor with her or tells him the details, or you may have to ask her for the details. You might also ask him what he thinks the two of you can do to help his mother over the coming months. Once you have some details about her type of cancer, its stage, and her treatment plan, you'll be able to find out more about what to expect and how you can best support her. The National Cancer Institute, as well as other sources, has some great free booklets and other information about what cancer patients need as well as what caregivers need.

    You might also search for the thread that talks about the stupid things people have said to us (cancer patients) so you'll know some things to avoid. Being positive is important, but denying the patient's reality is not good--having cancer is tough, and we can't always stay positive. We need our real feelings of fear, sadness, anger, fatigue, and just plain feeling ill to be recognized and acknowledged. Sometimes it's just better to say, "I don't know what to say--this is tough."

    Edit: link to the thread: http://csn.cancer.org/node/178032

    Overall, my suggestion is to hug him a lot. He may not be able to talk about this, but knowing that you love him and support him and his mother will be of great comfort. This is true for her as well--hugs are one of the most important "medicines" in the world.

    Keep in touch with us--we'll help you as much as we can. Best wishes to all of you as you travel this new path together.

    Sandy

    Hi DeeDee, So sorry that you
    Hi DeeDee, So sorry that you had to find us because of bc hitting your mother-in-law. In the coming days she will find out more about her cancer, have more tests, appts. and you all will feel like you're on a roller coaster. Then it kind of settles down into a routine, not fun but doable. I'm still waiting for surgery so I can't give you much advise. It took me weeks to tell my 2 sons about my cancer because they both knew their grandmother died from bc. My husband and I first had to get control of this, we were really down and could hardly talk about it. Finally the words and emotions overflowed. There is a time of shock, unbelief, maybe anger and some form of mourning. I finally told my sons. Even tho I'm close to 70 years, I told them I plan to live a long time yet and that cancer is beatable and it is not a death sentence. My prognosis is good and I also told them I didn't have my mother's cancer. They know I'm a fighter and they are too. Your husband just can't express himself right now but as he learns more about his mom and her cancer I think he will open up. Just be there for him, hug him and wait for him to release his thoughts and emotions. All of you are in our thoughts and prayers.

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