Anyone else going through a divorce and breast cancer at same time?

dyaneb123

cindyc59 said:

Thanksfor words of encouragement!
I am so deep in debt that I don't know how I will ever get out of it! I just knew I couldn't stay with a man who was mean abusive and controlling for many years. And he got worse when I got sick.He actually flipped me onto a hard tile floor in front of my children when I was sick. And as I lay there on the floor he screamed at me to get up because I was a drama queen.
so many people have helped me and I hate the sense of obligation to them that i feel but it made me realize how many good people there are out there, I wss so used to the rotten behavior that I forgot there are still nice people.
Jackie as hard as its been it is better being alone than being abused! Hope you can get the strentgh to leave. People will help you.
The soon to b ex is asking me to have sympathy for him now cuz he doesn't have the money the judge ordered him to pay(whichI know he does). It just amazes me.

OMG Cindy! Don't you let
OMG Cindy! Don't you let this beast get away with this non payment. You have to think of yourself and your children,and he is obviously only thinking about himself. Get a good female divorce lawyer who will be on your side all the way!

dmc_emmy

tommaseena said:

My story
My story:
My STBX was verbally abusive in front of Jake, my now 6 yr old, and I had had enough. He moved out last October. I was diagnosed in December. Jake and I are making it on our own.

We are both happier.
I had surgery in February started chemo in March finished chemo in July and now on Herceptin until August.

I have more money now then I did when the **** was here.

We can do it because we are strong women.

Hugs,
Margo

Cindy-you're story breaks my heart
Divorce, yes, I've been there, too. It seems that many of us have experienced the rejection, humiliation, and pain of divorce and when you have children, well, it makes it 100x more painful because you hurt for your children. I was married for 18 years, before I had a near fatal car accident and cancer. There are many things that I do not understand, but what I understand least is what went wrong in my marriage, why did I allow it to happen, and when it all started to go downhill.

The custody battle took almost three years, because during that time I had my car accident and it was this that decided my fate when the judge made the decision about my dauther and who would care for her. The judge was a sitting member for "Advocates for Fathers," and guess where my daughter lived for a year and half after her father told the judge that I tried to kill myself and my daughter in that car accident?

Yes, divorce is cruel and the man you marry, a man you thought once loved you, turns against you with a furry that you never knew existed (at least when you married). Strange as it may seem, my ex and I have become friends and forgiven each other. Of course, that took nearly 10 years after the divorce and after I was re-married. I oftentimes wonder how my ex would have handled my BC if we were still married, but that is something that I will never know.

Cindy, your story brought tears to my eyes, I suppose because I have been where you are-except I did not have cancer yet, my child was not with me, nor did I have any family nearby. Though it's hard to find the positives when you a struck with two of the most devastating happenings in one's lifetime-divorce and a catastrophic illness, be thankful that you have a at least one supportive family member and you have your loving children with you. They will be your strength when you feel you have nothing left.

Often I have told my daughter, as has her father during "family" discussions (discussions that came since the divorce), that we need to find someone more powerful than ourselves to turn to when people let us down and when circumstances beyond our control bring havoc into our lives. We told her that only she can decide who this stronger entity will be, for us it is a "higher power" because we have learned that people will always disappoint you when you need them most. I wish we understood this 15 years ago and then I wonder if our lives would have turned out differently.

Cindy, know that many here are standing by you, praying for you, thinking of you, and that you will not be walking this walk alone. You have a 100-fold sisterhood, two loving children, and a higer power to stand with you--what more do you need?

dmc

cindyc59

dmc_emmy said:

Cindy-you're story breaks my heart
Divorce, yes, I've been there, too. It seems that many of us have experienced the rejection, humiliation, and pain of divorce and when you have children, well, it makes it 100x more painful because you hurt for your children. I was married for 18 years, before I had a near fatal car accident and cancer. There are many things that I do not understand, but what I understand least is what went wrong in my marriage, why did I allow it to happen, and when it all started to go downhill.

The custody battle took almost three years, because during that time I had my car accident and it was this that decided my fate when the judge made the decision about my dauther and who would care for her. The judge was a sitting member for "Advocates for Fathers," and guess where my daughter lived for a year and half after her father told the judge that I tried to kill myself and my daughter in that car accident?

Yes, divorce is cruel and the man you marry, a man you thought once loved you, turns against you with a furry that you never knew existed (at least when you married). Strange as it may seem, my ex and I have become friends and forgiven each other. Of course, that took nearly 10 years after the divorce and after I was re-married. I oftentimes wonder how my ex would have handled my BC if we were still married, but that is something that I will never know.

Cindy, your story brought tears to my eyes, I suppose because I have been where you are-except I did not have cancer yet, my child was not with me, nor did I have any family nearby. Though it's hard to find the positives when you a struck with two of the most devastating happenings in one's lifetime-divorce and a catastrophic illness, be thankful that you have a at least one supportive family member and you have your loving children with you. They will be your strength when you feel you have nothing left.

Often I have told my daughter, as has her father during "family" discussions (discussions that came since the divorce), that we need to find someone more powerful than ourselves to turn to when people let us down and when circumstances beyond our control bring havoc into our lives. We told her that only she can decide who this stronger entity will be, for us it is a "higher power" because we have learned that people will always disappoint you when you need them most. I wish we understood this 15 years ago and then I wonder if our lives would have turned out differently.

Cindy, know that many here are standing by you, praying for you, thinking of you, and that you will not be walking this walk alone. You have a 100-fold sisterhood, two loving children, and a higer power to stand with you--what more do you need?

dmc

Thank you all so much!
Thank you all so much for your kind words and prayers. I am having trouble picking myself up everyday. I do the things I need to each day for myself as far as treatments go and for my kids, but I have kind of lost my silly self. I get so tired and cranky and find that I cannot do all that I used to. I don't know if its cuz of divorce and worrying about money or if it is because of radiation,herceptin,lymphedema and physical therapy. I already had my chemo and surgery at the end of July, and everyone says Ifinished the worst of it, but I feel more tired now. Its kind of hard to do the things I want to with treatments everyday and making sure kids are fed,cleaning.doing hmwk etc. Their Dad doesn't take them on wkends or on a regular basis(and they don't want to go with him), yet he wants to be informed about school, drs. etc. Just being whiny I know but want to find my silly carefree self again. Did anyone else got through periods like this?

cindyc59

dmc_emmy said:

Cindy-you're story breaks my heart
Divorce, yes, I've been there, too. It seems that many of us have experienced the rejection, humiliation, and pain of divorce and when you have children, well, it makes it 100x more painful because you hurt for your children. I was married for 18 years, before I had a near fatal car accident and cancer. There are many things that I do not understand, but what I understand least is what went wrong in my marriage, why did I allow it to happen, and when it all started to go downhill.

The custody battle took almost three years, because during that time I had my car accident and it was this that decided my fate when the judge made the decision about my dauther and who would care for her. The judge was a sitting member for "Advocates for Fathers," and guess where my daughter lived for a year and half after her father told the judge that I tried to kill myself and my daughter in that car accident?

Yes, divorce is cruel and the man you marry, a man you thought once loved you, turns against you with a furry that you never knew existed (at least when you married). Strange as it may seem, my ex and I have become friends and forgiven each other. Of course, that took nearly 10 years after the divorce and after I was re-married. I oftentimes wonder how my ex would have handled my BC if we were still married, but that is something that I will never know.

Cindy, your story brought tears to my eyes, I suppose because I have been where you are-except I did not have cancer yet, my child was not with me, nor did I have any family nearby. Though it's hard to find the positives when you a struck with two of the most devastating happenings in one's lifetime-divorce and a catastrophic illness, be thankful that you have a at least one supportive family member and you have your loving children with you. They will be your strength when you feel you have nothing left.

Often I have told my daughter, as has her father during "family" discussions (discussions that came since the divorce), that we need to find someone more powerful than ourselves to turn to when people let us down and when circumstances beyond our control bring havoc into our lives. We told her that only she can decide who this stronger entity will be, for us it is a "higher power" because we have learned that people will always disappoint you when you need them most. I wish we understood this 15 years ago and then I wonder if our lives would have turned out differently.

Cindy, know that many here are standing by you, praying for you, thinking of you, and that you will not be walking this walk alone. You have a 100-fold sisterhood, two loving children, and a higer power to stand with you--what more do you need?

dmc

Thank you all so much!
Thank you all so much for your kind words and prayers. I am having trouble picking myself up everyday. I do the things I need to each day for myself as far as treatments go and for my kids, but I have kind of lost my silly self. I get so tired and cranky and find that I cannot do all that I used to. I don't know if its cuz of divorce and worrying about money or if it is because of radiation,herceptin,lymphedema and physical therapy. I already had my chemo and surgery at the end of July, and everyone says Ifinished the worst of it, but I feel more tired now. Its kind of hard to do the things I want to with treatments everyday and making sure kids are fed,cleaning.doing hmwk etc. Their Dad doesn't take them on wkends or on a regular basis(and they don't want to go with him), yet he wants to be informed about school, drs. etc. Just being whiny I know but want to find my silly carefree self again. Did anyone else got through periods like this?

zahalene

cindyc59 said:

Thank you all so much!
Thank you all so much for your kind words and prayers. I am having trouble picking myself up everyday. I do the things I need to each day for myself as far as treatments go and for my kids, but I have kind of lost my silly self. I get so tired and cranky and find that I cannot do all that I used to. I don't know if its cuz of divorce and worrying about money or if it is because of radiation,herceptin,lymphedema and physical therapy. I already had my chemo and surgery at the end of July, and everyone says Ifinished the worst of it, but I feel more tired now. Its kind of hard to do the things I want to with treatments everyday and making sure kids are fed,cleaning.doing hmwk etc. Their Dad doesn't take them on wkends or on a regular basis(and they don't want to go with him), yet he wants to be informed about school, drs. etc. Just being whiny I know but want to find my silly carefree self again. Did anyone else got through periods like this?

What goes around...
Cindy, I went through a long drawn-out very bitter divorce (which I tried every way I knew how to avoid) after 3 cancer diagnoses over a span of 10 years.
Ex finally got so emotionally abusive that the judge threw the book at him, financially. So me and the dependent child he abandoned were finally taken care of, though it took awhile to make it happen.
But here's the kicker. Since he left me, he has been: Married and divorced again, dx with prostate cancer, fallen 40 ft from a tower and crushed his pelvis, had unrelated back surgery....and who knows what else that I never found out about. There is justice, and sometimes it happens in this life time, but if not now you can be sure that your soon-to-be will get his when he meets his Maker. God set this world up for men to be the protector of women and children, and he does not suffer fools lightly.
God bless.

cindyc59

zahalene said:

What goes around...
Cindy, I went through a long drawn-out very bitter divorce (which I tried every way I knew how to avoid) after 3 cancer diagnoses over a span of 10 years.
Ex finally got so emotionally abusive that the judge threw the book at him, financially. So me and the dependent child he abandoned were finally taken care of, though it took awhile to make it happen.
But here's the kicker. Since he left me, he has been: Married and divorced again, dx with prostate cancer, fallen 40 ft from a tower and crushed his pelvis, had unrelated back surgery....and who knows what else that I never found out about. There is justice, and sometimes it happens in this life time, but if not now you can be sure that your soon-to-be will get his when he meets his Maker. God set this world up for men to be the protector of women and children, and he does not suffer fools lightly.
God bless.

thanks zahalene
Sad part is I don'teven hate the man(if you can call him that). I dont even care about what goes around comes around. I just want him to pay what is due to me and my children and be out of my life as much as possible. He has cut me off completely financially and gotten away with it for months.Judge ordered him to pay temporary support with retro and he only gave one month. Everything is such abattle and he is wasting time and money. I think he is just praying for me to die. He told me there is a special place in hell reseved for me! Hurt but just looking to move on and forget him,but its hard when he continues to lie andtry inanywayhe can tomake my life miserable. Every week its been another lie or another battle. The battle I ve been fighting with cancer doesn't even seem as difficult ifyou can believe that!

spunky56

I too am going thru divorce
One thing I need you to realize is there is such thing as "chemo brain" Please look this up and understand it. I did not know about it, and went to court for a contempt hearing as my soon to be X was not complying, and they *judge/lawyers made it into a settlement hearing. I was NOT Prepared and due to "chemo brain" was unable to switch gears. Unable to communicate effectively. Unable to process information. I was crying, very emotional and my lawyer just "pushed" me thru it saying the Judge would determine I was being uncooperative! It was the worst outcome ever as my lawyer did not review papers prior to the other lawyer submitting them to the court. Therefore, my lawyer could not admit he failed to do this so just attempted to rush me into signing off on everything fast... I could not think that day and therefore, did not ask to review papers first as I assumed my lawyer ensured that things were right. Now, I will need to sue my attorney and that is difficult to do when we are supposed to be thinking positive and "eliminating stress". Right... Anyway, know it exists and do not allow yourself to be put in a decision making mode without days to review/reflect on it. If you are required to go thru hearings, be sure someone who knows you very well is with you and can help watch your back.

zahalene

cindyc59 said:

thanks zahalene
Sad part is I don'teven hate the man(if you can call him that). I dont even care about what goes around comes around. I just want him to pay what is due to me and my children and be out of my life as much as possible. He has cut me off completely financially and gotten away with it for months.Judge ordered him to pay temporary support with retro and he only gave one month. Everything is such abattle and he is wasting time and money. I think he is just praying for me to die. He told me there is a special place in hell reseved for me! Hurt but just looking to move on and forget him,but its hard when he continues to lie andtry inanywayhe can tomake my life miserable. Every week its been another lie or another battle. The battle I ve been fighting with cancer doesn't even seem as difficult ifyou can believe that!

I hear ya....
I cared deeply for my husband of 28 years and have never wished anything bad upon him. I also had to cut myself off from him and insist that everything go through our lawyers because of the way he was treating me if I tried to even so much as talk to him on the phone. And, yes, it WAS harder than cancer. My ex drug the legal proceedings out for almost two years, refusing to sign a divorce agreement which included alimony. The judge finally declared the divorce final and set child support, alimony, and other benefits for me and my son which my ex could have avoided if he had been reasonable. Just keep plugging and keep your lawyer up to date on EVERYTHING your soon-to-be-ex does that is hurtful or vindictive. And DOCUMENT everything you possibly can. Meanwhile, keep yourself and your personal life squeaky clean and give him no room to accuse you of anything illegal or immoral. After awhile the evidence will become so overwhelming in your favor that the courts will be forced to protect you. And as for the court-ordered payments, tell your lawyer to have him declared in contempt of court for non-payment. That will get the judge's attention!
Good luck, hun and just don't give up. It will all pan out if you persist.
God bless.

pinkkari09

Cindy
YIKES, YIKES, and YIKES, I'm so sorry for all that you are going through, on the other hand, I'm so glad you have gotten out of there and are with family. I know your boat, my husband verbally abuses me every weekend when he comes home, says horrible things, no physical abuse but the mental abuse is killing me. I want out so so so bad but I have no $, no place to go. I supported him for 6 months this year while he sat on his a$$ and wouldn't lift a finger, then I come down with this and he turns into a complete jerk, 10 years of marriage, raised HIS 3 kids along with two of my own. My daughter is 20 and away in college, my boy is 15 and in high school, I just want to grab my son and leave but I have no where to move too or the funds to do it. I know the day will come that I will be back on my feet and those feet will hit the road so fast it'll leave burn-out marks, in the meantime I have to just try and survive. As much as it stinks it's good to know that I'm not the only one in this boat and there are others like you out there to talk too. Keep on keepin' on and I'm praying for all of the women who have to deal with divorce on top of cancer.
Mountains of prayers and hugs,
Kari

always

spunky56 said:

I too am going thru divorce
One thing I need you to realize is there is such thing as "chemo brain" Please look this up and understand it. I did not know about it, and went to court for a contempt hearing as my soon to be X was not complying, and they *judge/lawyers made it into a settlement hearing. I was NOT Prepared and due to "chemo brain" was unable to switch gears. Unable to communicate effectively. Unable to process information. I was crying, very emotional and my lawyer just "pushed" me thru it saying the Judge would determine I was being uncooperative! It was the worst outcome ever as my lawyer did not review papers prior to the other lawyer submitting them to the court. Therefore, my lawyer could not admit he failed to do this so just attempted to rush me into signing off on everything fast... I could not think that day and therefore, did not ask to review papers first as I assumed my lawyer ensured that things were right. Now, I will need to sue my attorney and that is difficult to do when we are supposed to be thinking positive and "eliminating stress". Right... Anyway, know it exists and do not allow yourself to be put in a decision making mode without days to review/reflect on it. If you are required to go thru hearings, be sure someone who knows you very well is with you and can help watch your back.

Wow
Cindy,

I understand your situation from a previous lifetime. Fortunately this one has me remarried only just for 2 years to a wonderful supportive man. Every bit of advise you have been given sounds great so I second, third and fourth it all. There is one thing you said that I want you to pay close attention to. Your concern for feeling obligated that so many people are being kind and helpful. Let it go. It is the remants of the abusive relationship. It is conditioning that your control freak ex embedded in your brain. Everyone who is being kind and helping you...does not need you to feel indepted. If any of them do their kind actions come with alterior motives and that is there problem not yours. You need to be grateful not guilty. Thank them and God for every kind action or word. Repay it by being kind in return. The very first person you should concentrate your kindness on is YOU! Kindness is one of the sweetest forms of Love- it multiplies and conquers a million woes.

You are strong, you are doing an awesome job of working through all of this. Listen to these wonderful women and ignore all of the old thoughts about owing people for being kind to you or anything what so ever that will hold you back. I agree with the let go of the anger one too...it is a cancer of its own. Do not accept it.

You will be in my prayers. The very best to you.

Ltalcott

theory
I have this theory that challenge (breast cancer), DOESN'T bring out the best in people, but intensifies what is already there.

So if your spouse (friend, mother, sister) is a good, helping person, or even neutral, but on the good side, he will step up to the plate and do what needs to be done--and lots more.

But if he is basically not a good person, the challenge of BC will push him over the edge.

Works the same way with old people--sweet little old lady was a sweet 20 y.o too, according to this theory of mine.

Lisa

Aortus

Ltalcott said:

theory
I have this theory that challenge (breast cancer), DOESN'T bring out the best in people, but intensifies what is already there.

So if your spouse (friend, mother, sister) is a good, helping person, or even neutral, but on the good side, he will step up to the plate and do what needs to be done--and lots more.

But if he is basically not a good person, the challenge of BC will push him over the edge.

Works the same way with old people--sweet little old lady was a sweet 20 y.o too, according to this theory of mine.

Lisa

Interesting theory, Lisa
I think there is a good deal of truth behind what you say.

As a recovering alcoholic (25 years of sobriety as of last November; I celebrated by bringing my beloved Moopy home from the hospital) I have come to think that alcohol, too, makes a person more of what he or she already is. For example, I was never a mean drunk: just a funny and extremely sad drunk. Moopy - on the very few occasions when she's gotten a snootful - is a funny and extremely amorous drunk.

As for certain other "men" referenced in this thread, all I can say is that being the husband of a BC warrior-survivor can get mighty damned tough. But never anywhere near as tough as actually being a BC warrior-survivor every moment of one's life.

Akiss4me

Aortus said:

Interesting theory, Lisa
I think there is a good deal of truth behind what you say.

As a recovering alcoholic (25 years of sobriety as of last November; I celebrated by bringing my beloved Moopy home from the hospital) I have come to think that alcohol, too, makes a person more of what he or she already is. For example, I was never a mean drunk: just a funny and extremely sad drunk. Moopy - on the very few occasions when she's gotten a snootful - is a funny and extremely amorous drunk.

As for certain other "men" referenced in this thread, all I can say is that being the husband of a BC warrior-survivor can get mighty damned tough. But never anywhere near as tough as actually being a BC warrior-survivor every moment of one's life.

Well said, Aortus!
Moopy is so blessed (as I am) to have a wonderful Husband such as yourself. And you are not just skating along with your sobriety....you have to work that and choose that everyday you stay sober. I admire you for that! You both are fighting your own battles with the support of each other. That's the way it should be.
I am so sorry for all the women that are not only fighting their battles of cancer, but fighting their battles of devorce on top of it. I have so much respect for you as a warrior, as I would crumble under the challenge. Know that you have many cyber friends to lean on here. And I will keep all of you in my prayers.
♥Pammy

lolad

cindyc59 said:

Thanksfor words of encouragement!
I am so deep in debt that I don't know how I will ever get out of it! I just knew I couldn't stay with a man who was mean abusive and controlling for many years. And he got worse when I got sick.He actually flipped me onto a hard tile floor in front of my children when I was sick. And as I lay there on the floor he screamed at me to get up because I was a drama queen.
so many people have helped me and I hate the sense of obligation to them that i feel but it made me realize how many good people there are out there, I wss so used to the rotten behavior that I forgot there are still nice people.
Jackie as hard as its been it is better being alone than being abused! Hope you can get the strentgh to leave. People will help you.
The soon to b ex is asking me to have sympathy for him now cuz he doesn't have the money the judge ordered him to pay(whichI know he does). It just amazes me.

Cindy
I so had to jump in here for you. Let me tell you a little about me and my story. I was in an abusive relationship for longer than i should have been. That was 10 years ago and even though it was the hardest thing i had to do, especially because at that time i had three small kids 3,2, and six months, i knew i had to leave. He hurt me physically and emotionally and one day turned on our three year old to hurt me. That was it. You are afraid of your debt. I had nowhere to go. We moved place to place. Moved in with my sister finally and was there three weeks when the court marshal showed up at her door and she was being evicted. She failed to share this with me. My friend took us in even though she had six kids. I got a good job, and saved up money and finally got our own place. That place flooded and got infested with mold because they failed to do what they should have done by replacing carpet ect. What did i know tho, i was still that timid always worried single mom. I was able to get us another place with the help of my aunt. I paid her rent and insurance and was barely making it. I remember some of the concoctions i made for dinner for my kids and i still feel bad, but they always loved them. Then one day, our place caught on fire. We lost everything down to our underwear. My long lost mom took us in complaining for the two months we were there because it messed up her christmas plans. Thank goodness i paid into insurance and that got us our last place. My aunt kept most of the insurance money though. I wont get into all that. Dads never really ever supported my kids and i just finally realized that was something i could no longer worry over. It will catch him one day. I just gave all my focus on my beautiful kids. They are now 15,13 and 11. When i was diagnosed in April, they were there for me. You leaving has not only saved you, but your kids as well. They suffered too. My kids are my whole life and my rock. When you get through your battle, you will have won. He wont win and never will as long as he is the jerk he is. Look forward to the possitive support you have in your life now. You have to have that in your life to get through bc. And like i said before you will win, he never will. He will try to suck you in and try to get you to feel sorry for him and believe me sometimes it will be hard not to because you were married and have children together, but that is part of there sick game. No matter how bad one day may seem, there is another day to come and it gets brighter. I never thought mine would come, but it has. I have finished chemo and getting ready to start hormonal therapy and working on reconstruction. I am so proud of you for standing up for you and your kids. You have already accomplished alot. Your light and healing is coming and will reach you. Keep us posted and keep strong and the possitive support in your life.
take care
laura

lolad

Akiss4me said:

Well said, Aortus!
Moopy is so blessed (as I am) to have a wonderful Husband such as yourself. And you are not just skating along with your sobriety....you have to work that and choose that everyday you stay sober. I admire you for that! You both are fighting your own battles with the support of each other. That's the way it should be.
I am so sorry for all the women that are not only fighting their battles of cancer, but fighting their battles of devorce on top of it. I have so much respect for you as a warrior, as I would crumble under the challenge. Know that you have many cyber friends to lean on here. And I will keep all of you in my prayers.
♥Pammy

cindy
im laura aka lolad my post jumped up a few on this thread and i hope you get a chance to read it. take care
laura

lolad

Akiss4me said:

Well said, Aortus!
Moopy is so blessed (as I am) to have a wonderful Husband such as yourself. And you are not just skating along with your sobriety....you have to work that and choose that everyday you stay sober. I admire you for that! You both are fighting your own battles with the support of each other. That's the way it should be.
I am so sorry for all the women that are not only fighting their battles of cancer, but fighting their battles of devorce on top of it. I have so much respect for you as a warrior, as I would crumble under the challenge. Know that you have many cyber friends to lean on here. And I will keep all of you in my prayers.
♥Pammy

cindy
im laura aka lolad my post jumped up a few on this thread and i hope you get a chance to read it. take care
laura

cindyc59

lolad said:

cindy
im laura aka lolad my post jumped up a few on this thread and i hope you get a chance to read it. take care
laura

thanks laura. Thanks for
thanks laura. Thanks for bumping it up so i wou;d get to read it

cindyc59

lolad said:

cindy
im laura aka lolad my post jumped up a few on this thread and i hope you get a chance to read it. take care
laura

thanks laura. Thanks for
thanks laura. Thanks for bumping it up so i wou;d get to read it