Anyone else going through a divorce and breast cancer at same time?

cindyc59
cindyc59 Member Posts: 44
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
Hi,
I had stage 3 advanced breast cancer. Weeks after being diagnosed my soon to be exclaimed that cancer was no big deal,people go to work when getting chemo, and I am not losing 160 dollars to stay home with you just because you don't feel good(many other cruel and mean things occurred but figured I'dgive abbreviated version). We lived an hour away from my doctors and treatments. I moved in with my brother,who lives 10 mins. from doctors, then found an apartment for me and my 2 kids in the same area as my family,so they could help me and filed for divorce. He never once asked how I felt throughout treatments and surgery(double masectomy). He has since refused to pay support and blames me for financial ruin. Have been told he had a girlfriend and found out he had been lying about many things for years.
It has been so stressful. I had the chemo, moved, had surgery,got my kids into new schools, and am now having radiation,lymphedemia and physical therapy,and herceptin.2 weeks after surgery he told me I should go get a full time job. I had to go to court to get a judge to order him to pay and he s still notpaying the full amount. He is a deputy police cheif too!
«1

Comments

  • susie09
    susie09 Member Posts: 2,930
    Welcome Cindy
    Hi Cindy and Welcome to the site! I am so sorry that you have bc and so sorry that your life has taken this horrible turn with your husband. I have no idea how hard it must be for you now. In the county where I live, if the father doesn't pay child support, he gets thrown in jail until he does. And, guess what? It works. I would hope that even though he works for the police, that you would have some law in place like that too. Good luck to you!

    ♠♣ Susie ♠♣
  • mimivac
    mimivac Member Posts: 2,143
    Oh man
    Cindy, I'm very sorry to hear how your husband has treated you through what was already a horrible time. No one should have to face cancer without support or understanding. You are obviously a very strong woman to have been able to find lodging for you and your kids, take care of them, and continue your treatments at the same time. This is no small thing. You should be very proud of yourself. Often crises like illness reveal the people who are really worthy of us and those who are not. Your husband falls in the latter category. As hard as cancer is, it is harder to go through life with an unsupportive and downright abusive partner. I think you will make a new life for yourself, Cindy. Good luck. There are many understanding women here, some of whom who have been through the same.

    Mimi
  • cindycflynn
    cindycflynn Member Posts: 1,132 Member
    Hugs
    Cindy -

    So sorry to hear that you've had to go through this without the support of the person who should have stood by you, but it does look like you've managed to gather other means of support despite your STBX's crappy behavior. I can only imagine how hard it must be, but try as much as you can to put him out of your mind. I know you'll still need to deal with him on issues about your kids and money, but the less power you give him, the less he can hurt you.
    These boards are also a fantastic way to get any additional support you may need. Come here as often as you need to and you'll always find a lot of great information and unending support.
    Welcome to the club nobody wants to belong to!
    Cindy
  • mcsessions
    mcsessions Member Posts: 48
    Good ridance!
    That's all I have to say, you deserve much better.
    Cancer is now the lesser of your problems. You sound like a very strong woman, my admiration to you.
  • rjjj
    rjjj Member Posts: 1,822 Member
    Cindy
    I am sorry you have had such a rough time, I do know the feeling of having someone who is supposed to love and take care of you turn the opposite direction just when you need them most. My husband turned to alcohol and anger at me for having BC. I have givin him chance after chance and nothing seems to change, I think you may be the lucky one at least with him out of your life you can go on to survive and be with people who truley love you. I'm sorry that I said "lucky" I know that BC is never lucky I was also stage 111a with 6 nodes involved and am still on Herceptin for the remainder of the year.

    I only meant you are lucky that you don't HAVE to listen to his negativity and selfish remarks anymore. I know my self-esteem has plummeted because of my husbands words and behavior. I stayed because I was worried I could not pay the bills (which I do anyway) and did not want to be alone, but I am learning that it is much nicer to be alone or with friends and family then to be with him. I don't think I will be staying in my relationship with him much longer. It drains your strength and your joy.

    Sound like Mr. chief of police has power and control issues...he is and will be the loser as time goes on .and you will find peace and happiness again. I only hope I can take my own advice.

    If you need someone to talk to just PM me here anytime, I will be praying for all the best for you.

    Hugs, Jackie
  • cindyc59
    cindyc59 Member Posts: 44
    mimivac said:

    Oh man
    Cindy, I'm very sorry to hear how your husband has treated you through what was already a horrible time. No one should have to face cancer without support or understanding. You are obviously a very strong woman to have been able to find lodging for you and your kids, take care of them, and continue your treatments at the same time. This is no small thing. You should be very proud of yourself. Often crises like illness reveal the people who are really worthy of us and those who are not. Your husband falls in the latter category. As hard as cancer is, it is harder to go through life with an unsupportive and downright abusive partner. I think you will make a new life for yourself, Cindy. Good luck. There are many understanding women here, some of whom who have been through the same.

    Mimi

    He was very abusive, so
    He was very abusive, so maybe I needed the cancer to become strong enough to fianlly get away from him. It is just so hurtful that after 18 years, neither he nor anyone in his family could find it in their hearts to call or ask about my health. None of them bothered to consolemy children either. they were so scared and felt lost! I don't feel very strong right now I just feel a little overwhelmed and alone. Thanks for the comments.
  • tasha_111
    tasha_111 Member Posts: 2,072
    rjjj said:

    Cindy
    I am sorry you have had such a rough time, I do know the feeling of having someone who is supposed to love and take care of you turn the opposite direction just when you need them most. My husband turned to alcohol and anger at me for having BC. I have givin him chance after chance and nothing seems to change, I think you may be the lucky one at least with him out of your life you can go on to survive and be with people who truley love you. I'm sorry that I said "lucky" I know that BC is never lucky I was also stage 111a with 6 nodes involved and am still on Herceptin for the remainder of the year.

    I only meant you are lucky that you don't HAVE to listen to his negativity and selfish remarks anymore. I know my self-esteem has plummeted because of my husbands words and behavior. I stayed because I was worried I could not pay the bills (which I do anyway) and did not want to be alone, but I am learning that it is much nicer to be alone or with friends and family then to be with him. I don't think I will be staying in my relationship with him much longer. It drains your strength and your joy.

    Sound like Mr. chief of police has power and control issues...he is and will be the loser as time goes on .and you will find peace and happiness again. I only hope I can take my own advice.

    If you need someone to talk to just PM me here anytime, I will be praying for all the best for you.

    Hugs, Jackie

    Cindy
    Is he a bigamist?.. Were we BOTH with the same male chauvanist pig?.. He sounds just the same as my STBX. Mine told me I had cancer because I deserved it, Because I was EVIL, Because I came from a family of heathens, who didn't say grace before meals or spend all day in church on a sunday...(Err Yeah, like he did?) LOL
    Your ex sounds like a total screw up too, no matter how many chances you give them they need more, to get their acts together. Cancer is enough, we don't need extra passengers on THAT journey. I am sorry you had to come to terms with this horrible disease AND his inexcusably unempathetic treatment of you.... Some people have just such a 'Sense of the Occasion'.. Bloody control freaks, they are undealable with. Anyway, yes there are a few of us here who have lost their husbands to cancer (I had cancer, he got lost!) Thanks Zah. But it's not right. At least you have your family around you and are in the same country. My family is all back in England, He is the reason I moved to Canada 6 years ago. Thank goodness for your brother.. He sounds very supportive. I hope you can move on from this undeserving git as soon as possible, there IS more to life than being someones emotional punch-bag.

    Good luck to you, I am in the same boat. Hugs Jxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
  • tgf
    tgf Member Posts: 950 Member
    tasha_111 said:

    Cindy
    Is he a bigamist?.. Were we BOTH with the same male chauvanist pig?.. He sounds just the same as my STBX. Mine told me I had cancer because I deserved it, Because I was EVIL, Because I came from a family of heathens, who didn't say grace before meals or spend all day in church on a sunday...(Err Yeah, like he did?) LOL
    Your ex sounds like a total screw up too, no matter how many chances you give them they need more, to get their acts together. Cancer is enough, we don't need extra passengers on THAT journey. I am sorry you had to come to terms with this horrible disease AND his inexcusably unempathetic treatment of you.... Some people have just such a 'Sense of the Occasion'.. Bloody control freaks, they are undealable with. Anyway, yes there are a few of us here who have lost their husbands to cancer (I had cancer, he got lost!) Thanks Zah. But it's not right. At least you have your family around you and are in the same country. My family is all back in England, He is the reason I moved to Canada 6 years ago. Thank goodness for your brother.. He sounds very supportive. I hope you can move on from this undeserving git as soon as possible, there IS more to life than being someones emotional punch-bag.

    Good luck to you, I am in the same boat. Hugs Jxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    Cindy
    Reading your post made me so angry at the SOB ... but when I got to the bottom line about him being a deputy police chief I actually gasped and my jaw dropped. How in the world could he be such a jerk? Thank goodness for your brother. Listen to Tasha ... because it does sound like you both might have been hooked up to the same idiot! Get yourself a terrific attorney and take his A## to court and get every penny you can out of the creep!

    Oh ... do I sound like an "angry ex-wife." Well ... I'm not so angry now ... but I sure as hell am a lot smarter than I was 25 years ago. After 21 years of marriage my "husband" said he was "confused" and needed a break. I felt sorry for the schmuck because I thought he was just too stressed from his job etc. I was worried about him when I should have been thinking of myself and MY future. Yep ... he had a girlfriend all along! Dumb me. So ... take him to the cleaners.

    hugs.
    teena
  • cindyc59
    cindyc59 Member Posts: 44
    rjjj said:

    Cindy
    I am sorry you have had such a rough time, I do know the feeling of having someone who is supposed to love and take care of you turn the opposite direction just when you need them most. My husband turned to alcohol and anger at me for having BC. I have givin him chance after chance and nothing seems to change, I think you may be the lucky one at least with him out of your life you can go on to survive and be with people who truley love you. I'm sorry that I said "lucky" I know that BC is never lucky I was also stage 111a with 6 nodes involved and am still on Herceptin for the remainder of the year.

    I only meant you are lucky that you don't HAVE to listen to his negativity and selfish remarks anymore. I know my self-esteem has plummeted because of my husbands words and behavior. I stayed because I was worried I could not pay the bills (which I do anyway) and did not want to be alone, but I am learning that it is much nicer to be alone or with friends and family then to be with him. I don't think I will be staying in my relationship with him much longer. It drains your strength and your joy.

    Sound like Mr. chief of police has power and control issues...he is and will be the loser as time goes on .and you will find peace and happiness again. I only hope I can take my own advice.

    If you need someone to talk to just PM me here anytime, I will be praying for all the best for you.

    Hugs, Jackie

    Thanksfor words of encouragement!
    I am so deep in debt that I don't know how I will ever get out of it! I just knew I couldn't stay with a man who was mean abusive and controlling for many years. And he got worse when I got sick.He actually flipped me onto a hard tile floor in front of my children when I was sick. And as I lay there on the floor he screamed at me to get up because I was a drama queen.
    so many people have helped me and I hate the sense of obligation to them that i feel but it made me realize how many good people there are out there, I wss so used to the rotten behavior that I forgot there are still nice people.
    Jackie as hard as its been it is better being alone than being abused! Hope you can get the strentgh to leave. People will help you.
    The soon to b ex is asking me to have sympathy for him now cuz he doesn't have the money the judge ordered him to pay(whichI know he does). It just amazes me.
  • marilyndbk
    marilyndbk Member Posts: 238 Member
    Hi. Geez, he must have been
    Hi. Geez, he must have been a trigamist. I have one too. We are stronger than we think. BC takes a toll on our bodies and our minds. I am so sorry you are going thru this with children. My 3 kids are grown. It is still not easy for them or me but I am lucky to have support and love from friends and family. Take care of yourself. It sounds like you have been able to do most of what you have to and will continue this journey with all of us. Marilyn
  • cindyc59
    cindyc59 Member Posts: 44
    tasha_111 said:

    Cindy
    Is he a bigamist?.. Were we BOTH with the same male chauvanist pig?.. He sounds just the same as my STBX. Mine told me I had cancer because I deserved it, Because I was EVIL, Because I came from a family of heathens, who didn't say grace before meals or spend all day in church on a sunday...(Err Yeah, like he did?) LOL
    Your ex sounds like a total screw up too, no matter how many chances you give them they need more, to get their acts together. Cancer is enough, we don't need extra passengers on THAT journey. I am sorry you had to come to terms with this horrible disease AND his inexcusably unempathetic treatment of you.... Some people have just such a 'Sense of the Occasion'.. Bloody control freaks, they are undealable with. Anyway, yes there are a few of us here who have lost their husbands to cancer (I had cancer, he got lost!) Thanks Zah. But it's not right. At least you have your family around you and are in the same country. My family is all back in England, He is the reason I moved to Canada 6 years ago. Thank goodness for your brother.. He sounds very supportive. I hope you can move on from this undeserving git as soon as possible, there IS more to life than being someones emotional punch-bag.

    Good luck to you, I am in the same boat. Hugs Jxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    tashaI am sorry u are in the same boat!
    tasha
    I am sorry u are in the same boat! I loved the "I Lost my husband to cancer( i had cancer he got lost)" Gonna remember that! I am so very lucky to have the support of my family especially my little brother! He helped save my life! Hopefully since you dont have family nearby you havelots of good friends,
    Good luck to you too!
  • cindyc59
    cindyc59 Member Posts: 44

    Hi. Geez, he must have been
    Hi. Geez, he must have been a trigamist. I have one too. We are stronger than we think. BC takes a toll on our bodies and our minds. I am so sorry you are going thru this with children. My 3 kids are grown. It is still not easy for them or me but I am lucky to have support and love from friends and family. Take care of yourself. It sounds like you have been able to do most of what you have to and will continue this journey with all of us. Marilyn

    Wow
    I didn't realize there were so many of them out there. Glad I decided to spill it here, today was one of those days when I was feeling overwhelmed and you guys made me feel better.
    I think it is hard for kids no matter how old they are. They grow up loving this person andthen see him do horrible things and act in a despicable manner towards their Mom. I feel sorry for them because I can't imagine what it would be like to have a dad like that
  • cindyc59
    cindyc59 Member Posts: 44

    Hi. Geez, he must have been
    Hi. Geez, he must have been a trigamist. I have one too. We are stronger than we think. BC takes a toll on our bodies and our minds. I am so sorry you are going thru this with children. My 3 kids are grown. It is still not easy for them or me but I am lucky to have support and love from friends and family. Take care of yourself. It sounds like you have been able to do most of what you have to and will continue this journey with all of us. Marilyn


  • natly15
    natly15 Member Posts: 1,941
    cindyc59 said:


    Cindy here's another way to
    Cindy here's another way to look at this. He doesnt deserve you or your children. Vengeance is mine saith the Lord. He'll get his, what goes around comes around. Good riddance. You are obviously much stronger than you even realize. My prayers are with you. :)
  • New Flower
    New Flower Member Posts: 4,294
    natly15 said:

    Cindy here's another way to
    Cindy here's another way to look at this. He doesnt deserve you or your children. Vengeance is mine saith the Lord. He'll get his, what goes around comes around. Good riddance. You are obviously much stronger than you even realize. My prayers are with you. :)

    You are the hero
    Cindy,
    My heart goes out to you. You are very strong and decisive person. Battling on two front has been very difficult. Most of the Stage III patients do not work during cancer treatment. I agree he does not deserve you.
    Do not forget protect your children yourself financially.
    You probably need to file for Social Security disability Insurance benefits. It is impossible to look for a job, while in treatment.
    HUGS
  • cindyc59
    cindyc59 Member Posts: 44

    You are the hero
    Cindy,
    My heart goes out to you. You are very strong and decisive person. Battling on two front has been very difficult. Most of the Stage III patients do not work during cancer treatment. I agree he does not deserve you.
    Do not forget protect your children yourself financially.
    You probably need to file for Social Security disability Insurance benefits. It is impossible to look for a job, while in treatment.
    HUGS

    thanks
    Thanks Natly! I honestly just wish he would pay the money that heis supposed to pay and just go away. thanks for the advice new flower I have been getting SS for about 15 years due to a back injury. He actually is now saying he has no idea why I have been receiving disability. I don't feel like much of a hero today just feel slightly depressed because of all the financial stress lately on top of still undergoing treatments!
  • mlmjt1
    mlmjt1 Member Posts: 537
    Hi Cindy
    Sorry to say, but that guy is a jerk and you are better to be rid of him. You DO NOT need negativity while you are going thru this. You need positive people around you and you need to do the best you can to forget about him and concentrate on yourself and your kids.

    I have never gone thru divorce but I have had family members who have and I know how much anger there is that kind of goes on and on and on. You cant afford to allow yourself to stay in the anger. YOu need positive thoughts to help you heal.

    Do the best you can to only focus on the things you can do something about and let the rest go. You deserve to have some peace and dealing with him will not allow that.

    Gentle hugs

    LInda t
  • Akiss4me
    Akiss4me Member Posts: 2,188
    Cindy
    So sorry to hear what you have been going through. They say it takes a special breed to be a cops wife and I see it played out over & over so much. You see, My husband is a Sargent on the police department. He is the most loving, caring and wonderful man a women could ask for. He urged me to take all the time off I needed and he picked up extra work. But then I look at the rest of the department and see these men treat their wives the way you describe. A lot of them look the other way (re special breed), I would never! I do not know if it is their jobs that make them that way or their egos. But it is very sad. And many of them obtain girlfriends and end up devorced. His position, being in the public eye, should be reason for him to comply with the judges orders. Stick to your guns. Be careful what you say to mutual friends, but accept any help that you are given. Reach out to your family, church, and even your local ACS. I could not imagine going through all you are at one time. I will keep you in my prayers and please keep us posted. We are here for you. Pammy
  • Momof_4
    Momof_4 Member Posts: 11
    Hang in there
    Hi, So sorry to hear your situation. I can relate too well unfortunately. I had Hodgkin's Lymphoma 10 years ago and my "then husband" was verbally abusive and kept talking about "his needs"...there was no support. I left him a year after my treatment and felt so happy and alive, caring for our 3 daughters...but I got into another relationship - not an abusive guy, but a stupid guy. I dated for about 6 months then realized that it was not good. So please purpose it in your heart to remain single for awhile. Let yourself heal. I am divorced now, for about a year and a half and was just diagnosed with breast cancer last week. So I have to go through another round of treatments - but what a relief that I don't have to come home and hear someone being mean and nasty. Sure, there are still money issues and visitation issues, but I don't have to live with him anymore. Be prayerful and ask to be on everyone's prayer list - you don't have to tell everyone all your circumstances - just ask them to pray for you, because our Lord already knows what you are going through and what you need. The Lord brought many wonderful people into my life, people who are nurturing and kind and considerate. God is real, and I pray that He will bless you and comfort you and see you through this hard season in your life - I know He cares for us. God Bless you.
  • tommaseena
    tommaseena Member Posts: 1,769
    Momof_4 said:

    Hang in there
    Hi, So sorry to hear your situation. I can relate too well unfortunately. I had Hodgkin's Lymphoma 10 years ago and my "then husband" was verbally abusive and kept talking about "his needs"...there was no support. I left him a year after my treatment and felt so happy and alive, caring for our 3 daughters...but I got into another relationship - not an abusive guy, but a stupid guy. I dated for about 6 months then realized that it was not good. So please purpose it in your heart to remain single for awhile. Let yourself heal. I am divorced now, for about a year and a half and was just diagnosed with breast cancer last week. So I have to go through another round of treatments - but what a relief that I don't have to come home and hear someone being mean and nasty. Sure, there are still money issues and visitation issues, but I don't have to live with him anymore. Be prayerful and ask to be on everyone's prayer list - you don't have to tell everyone all your circumstances - just ask them to pray for you, because our Lord already knows what you are going through and what you need. The Lord brought many wonderful people into my life, people who are nurturing and kind and considerate. God is real, and I pray that He will bless you and comfort you and see you through this hard season in your life - I know He cares for us. God Bless you.

    My story
    My story:
    My STBX was verbally abusive in front of Jake, my now 6 yr old, and I had had enough. He moved out last October. I was diagnosed in December. Jake and I are making it on our own.

    We are both happier.
    I had surgery in February started chemo in March finished chemo in July and now on Herceptin until August.

    I have more money now then I did when the **** was here.

    We can do it because we are strong women.

    Hugs,
    Margo