Feeling Blue :(

padee6339

Awww Pammy
Wish I could come over there and give you a great big hug. Consider yourself cyber-hugged. I am so sorry you are feeling down, the others are right - chalk it up to all that's been done to your body over the past months. Everyone reaches their boiling point - so VENT VENT VENT. Let the pressure cooker explode! I would bury my face in a pillow and scream as loud as I could. Didn't want to upset my elderly Mom any more than she was. All I wanted to do was open the front door, step out onto the deck and scream my bloody head off. (wonder what the neighbors would have done if I had done that???? hmmmmm). You are not alone, we are all there with you helping you get through this blue day.
Hugs - Pat

lolad

My pammy
You go right ahead and vent away. You are right, you never ever vent and you always make me smile. You have every right to feel down and blue and angry and sad and everything else. You are only HUMAN!!! Have you tried the ice cream? HA HA just kidding. I am so sorry that you are feeling so down. I wish i could be there to give you a big hug right now. You are such a sweet and caring person. Look what your body has been through. Look at what your mind is going through and been through. And on top of it all it just keeps pilling up on you. No wonder you are a mess. Im sorry and i am sending ice cream, hugs and prayers your way. You take care and get to feeling better. It wont last forever, i promise. Take a day and a moment at a time.

Take care
laura

Wolfi

Depression
Pammy,

If I crawl in the hole with you and never come out do you think it will have the same effect? I had a TERRIBLE day yesterday - cried, was very angry, frustrated, kept saying "I don't care" when my husband asked me anything. Although I don't fall into the 1% of the population like you I have had problems in the past with antidepressants/suicial tendancies and it scared me to be so out of control. I will not go back on antidepressants again - they are too unpredictable (for me) and I don't like the guinea pig feeling of doctors saying things like "let's try a little bit higher dose this week and see what happens...". No thanks.

People have commented about how positive and upbeat I've been since being diagnosed with bc and with all I've gone/will go through but yesterday I think everything came crumbling down. I told my husband I felt like Humpty Dumpty but that they can't put me back together again.

My son is FINALLY doing well in school this year (because he wants to) but is talking about joining the military after he graduates in 7 months. My daughter has a boyfriend she isn't telling us about and apparently he has a "reputation" so now we have to keep a close eye on her and hope she doesn't end up pregnant or with some disease before she turns 18 in a year and a half. I've always been close to my daughter and it's hard that she is keeping secrets from me and I don't know what she is thinking or doing. I'm not stupid and I know how the world works (been in it a while) but I just want to keep them both safe so they can go on to have nice lives and be happy.

My power is gone and at this point I don't care at all. This is not what I wanted for my life. I want to leave but I don't want to hurt anyone. My husband told me to pray but I don't even want to do that anymore. I just want to stop. Stop feeling bad, stop going to radiation, stop going to work, stop crying, stop eating, stop breathing, stop caring, stop worrying about what's next - more cancer, no sex, gaining more weight (is that possible?), losing my job, watching my cats grow old and die, watching my husband grow old and die, watching my kids leave and never know what happened to them or if/when they are dead.

I don't want to eat, take a shower, get dressed, talk to anyone or go out of the house. BUT I have to go to radiation, go to work and spend the evening with my husband because it is his only night off work. I have to check on the kids grades, make sure the cats have food and water and wash some of my work clothes. Why do I bother? Does it make any difference? My lymphodema acted up last night (mine gets worse when I'm sleeping which is "not normal") and I've been crying so much my whole face is red and puffy and it is hard to breathe.

Akiss4me

Wolfi said:

Depression
Pammy,

If I crawl in the hole with you and never come out do you think it will have the same effect? I had a TERRIBLE day yesterday - cried, was very angry, frustrated, kept saying "I don't care" when my husband asked me anything. Although I don't fall into the 1% of the population like you I have had problems in the past with antidepressants/suicial tendancies and it scared me to be so out of control. I will not go back on antidepressants again - they are too unpredictable (for me) and I don't like the guinea pig feeling of doctors saying things like "let's try a little bit higher dose this week and see what happens...". No thanks.

People have commented about how positive and upbeat I've been since being diagnosed with bc and with all I've gone/will go through but yesterday I think everything came crumbling down. I told my husband I felt like Humpty Dumpty but that they can't put me back together again.

My son is FINALLY doing well in school this year (because he wants to) but is talking about joining the military after he graduates in 7 months. My daughter has a boyfriend she isn't telling us about and apparently he has a "reputation" so now we have to keep a close eye on her and hope she doesn't end up pregnant or with some disease before she turns 18 in a year and a half. I've always been close to my daughter and it's hard that she is keeping secrets from me and I don't know what she is thinking or doing. I'm not stupid and I know how the world works (been in it a while) but I just want to keep them both safe so they can go on to have nice lives and be happy.

My power is gone and at this point I don't care at all. This is not what I wanted for my life. I want to leave but I don't want to hurt anyone. My husband told me to pray but I don't even want to do that anymore. I just want to stop. Stop feeling bad, stop going to radiation, stop going to work, stop crying, stop eating, stop breathing, stop caring, stop worrying about what's next - more cancer, no sex, gaining more weight (is that possible?), losing my job, watching my cats grow old and die, watching my husband grow old and die, watching my kids leave and never know what happened to them or if/when they are dead.

I don't want to eat, take a shower, get dressed, talk to anyone or go out of the house. BUT I have to go to radiation, go to work and spend the evening with my husband because it is his only night off work. I have to check on the kids grades, make sure the cats have food and water and wash some of my work clothes. Why do I bother? Does it make any difference? My lymphodema acted up last night (mine gets worse when I'm sleeping which is "not normal") and I've been crying so much my whole face is red and puffy and it is hard to breathe.

This just plain stinks!
I wish none of us had to ever go through being depressed. It is the one feeling that makes doing anything so difficult. I hear what you are saying when you say "why bother?" because that is the outcome of the depression. On the other hand, there are just as many reasons why we "should" bother.
It seems that no matter how much I prepared myself for the possibility that this symptom would emerge eventually, I still had no control over it (even though I felt I did). I really thought I could "catch myself" or ward it off somehow. Thought I was smarter than the chemicals in my brain! But reality proved me wrong. My common sense tells me this is normal and an emotion just about everyone will eventually experience, in some form or another.
Bottom line, it still stinks to go through it! I am somewhat relieved to have this occur so I can get on with getting over it (which I will!), but still wish it wasn't part of the healing process.
Maybe we can all encourage one another to help each other through (sorta like group therapy!). I know just reading the responses from everyone lifted my spirits tremendously. Just knowing no matter how hard I tried, I wasn't going to stop it, but I will get through it with a little help from my friends!
Hope you are feeling better today than yesterday, and even better tomorrow.
Hang in there, and this too will just be another chapter in our story.
♥Pammy

Christmas Girl

Akiss4me said:

This just plain stinks!
I wish none of us had to ever go through being depressed. It is the one feeling that makes doing anything so difficult. I hear what you are saying when you say "why bother?" because that is the outcome of the depression. On the other hand, there are just as many reasons why we "should" bother.
It seems that no matter how much I prepared myself for the possibility that this symptom would emerge eventually, I still had no control over it (even though I felt I did). I really thought I could "catch myself" or ward it off somehow. Thought I was smarter than the chemicals in my brain! But reality proved me wrong. My common sense tells me this is normal and an emotion just about everyone will eventually experience, in some form or another.
Bottom line, it still stinks to go through it! I am somewhat relieved to have this occur so I can get on with getting over it (which I will!), but still wish it wasn't part of the healing process.
Maybe we can all encourage one another to help each other through (sorta like group therapy!). I know just reading the responses from everyone lifted my spirits tremendously. Just knowing no matter how hard I tried, I wasn't going to stop it, but I will get through it with a little help from my friends!
Hope you are feeling better today than yesterday, and even better tomorrow.
Hang in there, and this too will just be another chapter in our story.
♥Pammy

Stinks? I say REEKS!
Oh, Pammy...

Unfortunately - yes, this crap seems to be part and parcel of the journey. I bet very, very few escape these feelings... At least at one point, or another.

Can't add much to what's already here, many kind words of wisdom. Just know that I'll be sincerely hoping that you'll feel a bit better as each day passes, as you continue to heal. Please - just don't be hard on yourself. As difficult as it is - let go of what you simply cannot control at this time. Your health comes first, above and beyond all else. You must be your own #1 priority.

Take good care, special care. And... go have a nap! :-)

Kind regards, Susan

RE

Dang it anyway!
Pammy I am truly sorry you are having to battle the blues, but after all you have dealt with recently it is very understandable. I am sure your daughter totally understands that you would love to help her move but are simply unable to at this time. I am betting she is simply happy to have such a wonderful mom like you! In regards to the depression my sister (the one who had cancer) had the same problems you describe with the suicide tendencies and she too was barred from taking the "happy meds". Her solution was to have a session once a month with a physhcologist to discuss her worries (basically to vent) it did wonders for her and helped her get along without the pills. As they say this too shall pass, however it sure isn't any fun well we are in the moment. I am sending my love and a bunch of gentle hugs to you my friend. Vent away, we are here for you!

"The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace." NUMBERS 6:24-26

Love,

RE

outdoorgirl

Akiss4me said:

This just plain stinks!
I wish none of us had to ever go through being depressed. It is the one feeling that makes doing anything so difficult. I hear what you are saying when you say "why bother?" because that is the outcome of the depression. On the other hand, there are just as many reasons why we "should" bother.
It seems that no matter how much I prepared myself for the possibility that this symptom would emerge eventually, I still had no control over it (even though I felt I did). I really thought I could "catch myself" or ward it off somehow. Thought I was smarter than the chemicals in my brain! But reality proved me wrong. My common sense tells me this is normal and an emotion just about everyone will eventually experience, in some form or another.
Bottom line, it still stinks to go through it! I am somewhat relieved to have this occur so I can get on with getting over it (which I will!), but still wish it wasn't part of the healing process.
Maybe we can all encourage one another to help each other through (sorta like group therapy!). I know just reading the responses from everyone lifted my spirits tremendously. Just knowing no matter how hard I tried, I wasn't going to stop it, but I will get through it with a little help from my friends!
Hope you are feeling better today than yesterday, and even better tomorrow.
Hang in there, and this too will just be another chapter in our story.
♥Pammy

Wolfi and Pammy,
so sorry that you guys are going through all of this.We all love both of you guys and hope that you don't stay in "the pit" for long.Yeah,unfortunately cancer (along with everything else sometimes)can do a great job of turning your whole world upside down. And I am still battling fatigue,lack of motivation,and depression sometimes myself!

Wolfi

Akiss4me said:

This just plain stinks!
I wish none of us had to ever go through being depressed. It is the one feeling that makes doing anything so difficult. I hear what you are saying when you say "why bother?" because that is the outcome of the depression. On the other hand, there are just as many reasons why we "should" bother.
It seems that no matter how much I prepared myself for the possibility that this symptom would emerge eventually, I still had no control over it (even though I felt I did). I really thought I could "catch myself" or ward it off somehow. Thought I was smarter than the chemicals in my brain! But reality proved me wrong. My common sense tells me this is normal and an emotion just about everyone will eventually experience, in some form or another.
Bottom line, it still stinks to go through it! I am somewhat relieved to have this occur so I can get on with getting over it (which I will!), but still wish it wasn't part of the healing process.
Maybe we can all encourage one another to help each other through (sorta like group therapy!). I know just reading the responses from everyone lifted my spirits tremendously. Just knowing no matter how hard I tried, I wasn't going to stop it, but I will get through it with a little help from my friends!
Hope you are feeling better today than yesterday, and even better tomorrow.
Hang in there, and this too will just be another chapter in our story.
♥Pammy

Better
I think it helped me just to read your post and then type out mine. I did take a shower, got dressed, and went to radiation. When I was on the radiation table I started to cry (pretty hard) and I tried to stop so I wouldn't move too much while being zapped. The technicians came in and gave me hugs and told me they see many people with depression issues during radiation. I found out from talking to them that I haven't been getting enough sleep for all the healing my body is doing right now. I sent an e-mail to work telling them I wasn't coming in and came straight back home and took a nap.

I feel much better now and know that it IS worth it to go through all of this. There is no way I want depression to take over and win. I think, like you, I felt I had more control over not becoming depressed than I did. I was so busy doing "things" (surgeries, appointments, treatments, research) that the reality didn't really hit me until now when I started to slow down and only had to focus on work and radiation. The daily drives to and from the treatments are enough to make anyone cranky.

I will stop with my Rhett Butler phrase "My dear, I don't give a damn." and take up the Scarlett O'Hara "After all, tomorrow is another day." :-)

mimivac

Wolfi said:

Better
I think it helped me just to read your post and then type out mine. I did take a shower, got dressed, and went to radiation. When I was on the radiation table I started to cry (pretty hard) and I tried to stop so I wouldn't move too much while being zapped. The technicians came in and gave me hugs and told me they see many people with depression issues during radiation. I found out from talking to them that I haven't been getting enough sleep for all the healing my body is doing right now. I sent an e-mail to work telling them I wasn't coming in and came straight back home and took a nap.

I feel much better now and know that it IS worth it to go through all of this. There is no way I want depression to take over and win. I think, like you, I felt I had more control over not becoming depressed than I did. I was so busy doing "things" (surgeries, appointments, treatments, research) that the reality didn't really hit me until now when I started to slow down and only had to focus on work and radiation. The daily drives to and from the treatments are enough to make anyone cranky.

I will stop with my Rhett Butler phrase "My dear, I don't give a damn." and take up the Scarlett O'Hara "After all, tomorrow is another day." :-)

Wolfi,
So glad you are feeling better. You are so right, it definitely helps to write out your feelings and share them. And I'll bet crying in the radiation room made you feel better, too. Sometimes, holding in our feelings causes us to feel worse. I say, let it all out. Cry if you want, ask for advice, write, complain, just don't hold it all in. Feel your pain and find peace in the fact that you are not alone. Glad you took your nap and are taking care of yourself!

Mimi

lanie940

Wolfi said:

Better
I think it helped me just to read your post and then type out mine. I did take a shower, got dressed, and went to radiation. When I was on the radiation table I started to cry (pretty hard) and I tried to stop so I wouldn't move too much while being zapped. The technicians came in and gave me hugs and told me they see many people with depression issues during radiation. I found out from talking to them that I haven't been getting enough sleep for all the healing my body is doing right now. I sent an e-mail to work telling them I wasn't coming in and came straight back home and took a nap.

I feel much better now and know that it IS worth it to go through all of this. There is no way I want depression to take over and win. I think, like you, I felt I had more control over not becoming depressed than I did. I was so busy doing "things" (surgeries, appointments, treatments, research) that the reality didn't really hit me until now when I started to slow down and only had to focus on work and radiation. The daily drives to and from the treatments are enough to make anyone cranky.

I will stop with my Rhett Butler phrase "My dear, I don't give a damn." and take up the Scarlett O'Hara "After all, tomorrow is another day." :-)

(((HUGS))) Wolfi, We all
(((HUGS))) Wolfi, We all feel down, I had been feeling pretty good after my lumpectomy. I knew I faced radiation also. Right now, I also feel like crying. I'm still in quite a bit of discomfort from my recent hernia surgery. The surgeon also removed two tumors from my left axilla area and it is now starting to pull and is annoying. I put off starting my RADS for another week in hopes I'd feel more back to normal. this hernia knocked me down more than the lumpectomy! Hang in there hon.