What not to say to a Cancer Patient

Calleen

mimivac said:

Foot in mouth syndrome
Oh my god, these are awful. I can't believe people say these things. It's like cancer is some sort of vacation where we get to relax and reconstruct our bodies the way we want. Like Claudia said, sign me up! It also kind of irks me when friends say in a firm voice, "you WILL be fine," and won't hear of anything else. I certainly like positivity around me, but sometimes you just want acknowlegment that things are sucky. Then it makes me feel like a complainer if I have anything negative to say about cancer or my experience with it.

Mimi

I too
had small boobs 34A one one said and 34B on the other... When I told some people what type of surgery I was having (tram) the 2 comments I heard most were.. WOW your belly isn't very big so how's that going to work?" and the other... "Hey why don't you take some of my fat!!" Very generous of them.. it kinda made me sick to think about it...LOL...

OH and I heard plenty of the going on vacation comments!!! Yeah being in ICU was quite the vacation spot!!! And coming home with those Lovely drains...AHHH I will never forget how wonderful those were... My Daughter named them my dingle berries!!! LOL..

bowlwarej

Calleen is my mom
Hello Everyone,

I just wanted to put my two cents on this subject, because I saw what it did to my mother. I'm a cancer survivor myself (not BC but something different)and I know what it's like to have people say things that you want to slap them for. But this particular friend just took the cake.

She has always been one to demand attention, and talk about everyone's business as it is, but you would think that when your friend just had something this radical happen to her body, a little common sense would kick in somewhere....haha....wasn't happening for her I guess.

So, I was walking back from taking a small break, it had been hard to leave mom in that dang hospital bed alone, when a different friend that had been visiting, came out of mom's room with this horrified look on her face. She says, I think your mom is having a hard time with so n so in there, she looks like she's having trouble. So, I go in all in charge style to see what the deal was.

I got in right at the part where she was talking about the Cue Ball malpractice suit......are you serious!!?? I look at my mother, she's sweating all over the place, tears trying not to spill over, trying not to pass out, moving as much as she could back and forth(mostly because of the anxiety that was creeping up), not looking at this friend in the face, very clearly disturbed by what she was hearing....and this friend didn't even skip a beat. She went on about consumating her marriage anniversary, and bringing cheeseburgers and french fries, movies, and music back into mom's hospital room the next night for a party.

After that I wouldn't let any visitors come to see her. It was horrible. The rest of the time she spent in the hospital she was having panic attacks and trying to rock herself better praying that God would intervene and let the panic go away. My mom is a strong independent woman, and that friend rocked her strength by her words in a way that frightened me like nothing had before.

Words can be a comfort and a curse. Thank you for all the comfort you have all given her

Julie

mimivac

bowlwarej said:

Calleen is my mom
Hello Everyone,

I just wanted to put my two cents on this subject, because I saw what it did to my mother. I'm a cancer survivor myself (not BC but something different)and I know what it's like to have people say things that you want to slap them for. But this particular friend just took the cake.

She has always been one to demand attention, and talk about everyone's business as it is, but you would think that when your friend just had something this radical happen to her body, a little common sense would kick in somewhere....haha....wasn't happening for her I guess.

So, I was walking back from taking a small break, it had been hard to leave mom in that dang hospital bed alone, when a different friend that had been visiting, came out of mom's room with this horrified look on her face. She says, I think your mom is having a hard time with so n so in there, she looks like she's having trouble. So, I go in all in charge style to see what the deal was.

I got in right at the part where she was talking about the Cue Ball malpractice suit......are you serious!!?? I look at my mother, she's sweating all over the place, tears trying not to spill over, trying not to pass out, moving as much as she could back and forth(mostly because of the anxiety that was creeping up), not looking at this friend in the face, very clearly disturbed by what she was hearing....and this friend didn't even skip a beat. She went on about consumating her marriage anniversary, and bringing cheeseburgers and french fries, movies, and music back into mom's hospital room the next night for a party.

After that I wouldn't let any visitors come to see her. It was horrible. The rest of the time she spent in the hospital she was having panic attacks and trying to rock herself better praying that God would intervene and let the panic go away. My mom is a strong independent woman, and that friend rocked her strength by her words in a way that frightened me like nothing had before.

Words can be a comfort and a curse. Thank you for all the comfort you have all given her

Julie

Body language
Welcome, Julie. You sound like a great support for your mom and a good protector, too. What an **** your mom's friend made of herself! And to go on and on and not even notice how uncomfortable and frightened you mom was. That truly takes the cake. Some people have no clue.

Mimi

bowlwarej

mimivac said:

Body language
Welcome, Julie. You sound like a great support for your mom and a good protector, too. What an **** your mom's friend made of herself! And to go on and on and not even notice how uncomfortable and frightened you mom was. That truly takes the cake. Some people have no clue.

Mimi

Thanks
Thanks Mimi!

I'm actually surprising myself at how fierce I feel when someone upsets her these days! Not that I didn't before, but this is different. This is my mother, and this is something that has changed her life forever. It seems that some people, who have gotten by on luck and chance, don't have the ability to be sensitive to how they make others feel. I could just go on and on......=)

Julie

survivorbc09

padee6339 said:

WOW
She must have ate a big bowl of stupid for breakfast that day. I'm sorry she did that to you.
Pat

lol @ Pat

lol @ Pat

Wolfi

guitarmom2 said:

Elm you made me laugh.
I try to remember the common denominator is that people want to help even if it is in the lamest possible way. My dear elderly neighbor yelled (he's pretty deaf) as I ended a conversation and was walking away "good luck with the Big C!" I haad to laugh even though I has barely holding myself together that day. Went to a barbcue this weekend and a friend-of-a-friend who I see rarely said "how's your summer? happy to be alive?" He didn't know I had cancer. I laughed and said "you have no idea how happy I am to be alive". An idiot neighbor heard the exchange and blurts out "I heard through the grapevine. Hope you feel better". The poor man with the "lucky" comment asks why and I spent five minutes telling him why his comment was funny to me and not to apologize. He was mortified.

What gets me mad is when people you thought you mattered a lot to do nothing or very little. My best friend from childhood has only called me twice in the 2 months since diagnosis and mastectomy. The second call was to cancel a visit wtih me. She doesn't work, kids are in camp and she lives 40 minutes away. I feel like she doesn't give a damn about me and we have been friends for 45 years.

With friends like that.....
Not to defend your friend for not talking to you much, but some people just can't HANDLE things like this. It would be nice if she could just tell you if she is uncomfortable and doesn't know how to deal with you during this time. At least you would know the reason for her not being as supportive as you expected.

I have the opposite problem. I have a friend I've known for over 25 years but I haven't told her about my breast cancer yet because I don't want to deal with her talking about it to everyone. She has become very religious (which in itself isn't a bad thing) but she is a loud person and goes a little overboard with her praise and worship theatrics. I am NOT slamming anyone for being religious, but I am the kind of person who likes quiet prayer and meditation. She cannot "be still and listen" for anything and after a while it can get annoying. There are people who are moved by the holy spirit and become loud or dance and sing. I don't have a problem with that. I feel that she forces being moved by the spirit and it bothers me to see her "fake" her way through a service. That's just me. It would be nice to be able to tell her what I'm going through, but I feel that it might end up being more stressful for me than it's worth.

guitarmom2

bowlwarej said:

Thanks
Thanks Mimi!

I'm actually surprising myself at how fierce I feel when someone upsets her these days! Not that I didn't before, but this is different. This is my mother, and this is something that has changed her life forever. It seems that some people, who have gotten by on luck and chance, don't have the ability to be sensitive to how they make others feel. I could just go on and on......=)

Julie

I am learning that cancer is very revealing...
You learn who has great instincts and whose are horrible. We had some major family drama during and after my surgery and it really took a toll on my husband and me. Unfortunately it was my side of the family that screwed up royally. I love them dearly and it took a lot out of us to confront them. Hubby and I did confront them and amazingly, my dad is reaching out more to me then he ever has. My sister apologized to my husband in tears and my mother now insisted that my husband call her "mom" (after 17 years). People can change. I don't know if your mother's idiot "friend" is capable, but if she doesn't know what she did wrong, there's definitely no chance.

Wolfi

bowlwarej said:

Thanks
Thanks Mimi!

I'm actually surprising myself at how fierce I feel when someone upsets her these days! Not that I didn't before, but this is different. This is my mother, and this is something that has changed her life forever. It seems that some people, who have gotten by on luck and chance, don't have the ability to be sensitive to how they make others feel. I could just go on and on......=)

Julie

You never know who
Julie,

I had a problem with a NURSE two weeks ago. I had just come back from an appointment with a plastic surgeon and had some questions for my regular surgeon. When I called his office I got a nurse I had never spoken to before (his regular one was on vacation). When I asked to speak to the doctor she said "He won't be here until Thursday. It looks like you spoke to him for an hour last week so you shouldn't need to talk to him anymore." I was so upset I just wanted to hang up and stop doing everything that had to do with surgery. It wasn't that what she said was so bad (although it was not professional), but she upset me because I was already upset before I called. My husband, after seeing my reaction while on the phone, wanted to call back and ask for her supervisor. Just then one of the other (nice) nurses called me about something else and my husband told her how upset I had gotten. She said a supervisor would be told about the incident so it wouldn't happen again.

Some people just don't "get it". I'm glad you were there for your mom when she needed you.

VickiSam

KUDOS .. for not losing your cool
I'm in the beginning stage of my breast cancer .. I am a fog.

Comments by friends or co workers are hurtful. I don't know if she meant any harm, however, she may be a very self absorbed women, who do not have the capacity to be kind and supportive.

What I might do, in your case (cuz, I am sure I will be there soon with my surgeries and chemo) .. would be to .. send her a hand written note stating that I appreicated the visits, however, it would be better if she read the attached listing 'what not to say' before her next visit. If she gets angry or upset .. OH WELL, she not a true friend!!

Vicki

m_azingrace

VickiSam said:

KUDOS .. for not losing your cool
I'm in the beginning stage of my breast cancer .. I am a fog.

Comments by friends or co workers are hurtful. I don't know if she meant any harm, however, she may be a very self absorbed women, who do not have the capacity to be kind and supportive.

What I might do, in your case (cuz, I am sure I will be there soon with my surgeries and chemo) .. would be to .. send her a hand written note stating that I appreicated the visits, however, it would be better if she read the attached listing 'what not to say' before her next visit. If she gets angry or upset .. OH WELL, she not a true friend!!

Vicki

I like the handwritten note
I like the handwritten note approach, but I might say that while I appreciate the visits, I need time for rest and healing, so I am asking people not to come by until further notice. Then...just don't call her!

rjjj

bowlwarej said:

Thanks
Thanks Mimi!

I'm actually surprising myself at how fierce I feel when someone upsets her these days! Not that I didn't before, but this is different. This is my mother, and this is something that has changed her life forever. It seems that some people, who have gotten by on luck and chance, don't have the ability to be sensitive to how they make others feel. I could just go on and on......=)

Julie

Julie
Hi! i'm glad to meet you, my daughter Jamie is also very loving and supportive like you, She would have felt and done the same things. Of this I am sure.

Your Mom is such an asset to our board, and so are you my dear. I love to see your respect and love for your mom it makes my heart smile. You are refreshing and sooo sweet.
Love, jackie

m_azingrace

Wolfi said:

You never know who
Julie,

I had a problem with a NURSE two weeks ago. I had just come back from an appointment with a plastic surgeon and had some questions for my regular surgeon. When I called his office I got a nurse I had never spoken to before (his regular one was on vacation). When I asked to speak to the doctor she said "He won't be here until Thursday. It looks like you spoke to him for an hour last week so you shouldn't need to talk to him anymore." I was so upset I just wanted to hang up and stop doing everything that had to do with surgery. It wasn't that what she said was so bad (although it was not professional), but she upset me because I was already upset before I called. My husband, after seeing my reaction while on the phone, wanted to call back and ask for her supervisor. Just then one of the other (nice) nurses called me about something else and my husband told her how upset I had gotten. She said a supervisor would be told about the incident so it wouldn't happen again.

Some people just don't "get it". I'm glad you were there for your mom when she needed you.

Wolfi...it's good that your hubby complained
I had a painful experience during the ultrasound-guided needle biopsy. Afterward, I was shaking so badly the ultrasound tech helped me down the hall for the mammogram. That's where things got ugly. The mammogram tech came in like Atilla the Hun, all business and no patience. She was annoyed that I needed to sit for the mammogram. "So you had a biopsy?", she asked. I said "Yes, it didn't go well. I'm still in pain." Then she said "They numb you up, that stuff doesn't wear off for hours." in other words "don't be such a crybaby". She wasn't aware of what had happened, but even so... I could have explained, but I just shut up, which is what I do. I didn't say anything else to her unless she needed a response to a question. By then I was shaking so bad, my teeth were chattering, but she didn't seem to notice or care. The next day I called and made a complaint.

When I went in for the MRI, I first met with the radiologist and the ultrasound tech, and they mentioned that they had been interviewed regarding my compaint. Later, the gal who took my complaint came and talked to me, and I was assured that they did take it seriously. I told her that for me, it was over. I was under enough stress and pain without having someone bully me besides. And I didn't want the same thing to happen to someone else. I knew if I didn't complain, I would always wish I had.

No one should ever have to be treated so unprofessionally.

To all readers: Majority of the time, needly biopsies go well, with only minor discomfort. My experience was exceptionally rare.

BunnyJane

m_azingrace said:

I like the handwritten note
I like the handwritten note approach, but I might say that while I appreciate the visits, I need time for rest and healing, so I am asking people not to come by until further notice. Then...just don't call her!

I'm amazed
by the number of people that say that maybe your hair will grow back differently (better/thicker)! I feel like asking what exactly was 'wrong' with my hair before it fell out? I liked my hair just the way it was---thankyouverymuch.

m_azingrace

BunnyJane said:

I'm amazed
by the number of people that say that maybe your hair will grow back differently (better/thicker)! I feel like asking what exactly was 'wrong' with my hair before it fell out? I liked my hair just the way it was---thankyouverymuch.

Me too!
In fact, just recently I finally got a style I liked and wanted to stay with. Now, the big C comes along and promises to ruin it for me! One of my friends told me to expect my hair to grow back in like "duck down"... oh, great, if it does, maybe I can call myself "Daffy".

mimivac

m_azingrace said:

Me too!
In fact, just recently I finally got a style I liked and wanted to stay with. Now, the big C comes along and promises to ruin it for me! One of my friends told me to expect my hair to grow back in like "duck down"... oh, great, if it does, maybe I can call myself "Daffy".

Duck down
Give me a break. This counts for help these days? Don't listen to them, or just start contradicting people. That usually throws them off. When a know-it-all says, "oh, your hair will look like the back end of a sheep," say, "Oh, no, that's actually not true at all." Some people (not the well-meaning ones) are just trying to deliver dire information. Head them off. I know a woman here at the office who likes to keep me updated on the status of someone she knows with colon cancer. She likes to say that this woman is on her death bed. It's her way of reminding me how bad cancer is. I kid you not.

tgf

mimivac said:

Duck down
Give me a break. This counts for help these days? Don't listen to them, or just start contradicting people. That usually throws them off. When a know-it-all says, "oh, your hair will look like the back end of a sheep," say, "Oh, no, that's actually not true at all." Some people (not the well-meaning ones) are just trying to deliver dire information. Head them off. I know a woman here at the office who likes to keep me updated on the status of someone she knows with colon cancer. She likes to say that this woman is on her death bed. It's her way of reminding me how bad cancer is. I kid you not.

Mimi
OMG ... THAT woman in your office REALLY did have a bowl full of stupid for breakfast. What an idiot.

And ... if my "new hair" came back looking like the back end of a sheep ... I'd be thrilled ... my "old hair" wasn't anything special ... but the back end of a sheep ... now you're talking SPECIAL!

hugs.
teena

ppurdin

friends that upset you.
HI,I HATE IT WHEN SOMEONE MAKES IT SOUND LIKE RADS AND CHEMO ARE NO MORE THEN NOTHING.I HAD SOMEONE TELL ME RIGHT BEFORE MY LUMPECKTOMY SURGERY THAT SHE WOULD LOVE TO BE ABLE TO HAVE HER BREAST CUT OFF.BECAUSE THEY HURT HER BACK.THAT IS JUST HOW SHE SAID IT.aT THE TIME AND STILL DON,T KNOW IF I WILL END UP HAVING A MESECTOMY.I have a sister that has went through all this that i am going through now.she acts like it is no big deal because she has already been where i am.i remember her being scared and tired.like we all are.but she don,t seem to remember it.But then sometimes she will say something she remembers to scare me.i guess we got to love them and think they mean well.even though we wonder sometimes.good luck to you. PAT.

chickad52

elm3544 said:

list of things not to say to a cancer patient
Found these online and added some of my own


"You could step off the curb tomorrow and get hit by a bus" (not a good analogy, its like I already got hit by the bus and now its backing up over me)
"You gotta think positively" (ok, I'm positive I have cancer, and I'm positive it isn't fun)
"You'll be fine"
"So, your fine now right?"
"My grandmom died of that"
"nice fro"
"God gives you what you can handle"
"What's your prognosis"
"Can I see what is going on under that hat?"
"If anyone can beat it it's you"
"If it's not your time, it's not your time" (then why bother with the surgery and treatment?)
"Life is not fair" (thanks for the heads up)
"Every cloud has a silver lining"
"Its just a bump in the road" (living with a cancer diagnoses, losing your hair, getting chemo, radiation, gaining weight, having hot flashes, being depressed and anxious is not a bump in the road its a major mountain.)
"Don't worry"
"Your lucky you didn't lose weight on chemo"
'Remember Lance"
"You gotta be like Lance"
"Lance beat cancer"
"Just look at Lance"
"you're through the worst part"
"Just think, you're done" (done? I'm done?...I guess I'm done with cancer everyone. Nothing left to do. How about hormonal therapy, all the side effects, more boob surgery and worrying for the rest of my life about recurrence)
"You look good bald"
"So, was the cancer bad?" (no, I had the good kind)
"It could be alot worse"
"This is a treatable disease"
"You have a nice shaped head"
"How do you know if it's working?" (If I die it didn't work)
"You know you can eat more curry, its supposed to kill cancer cells" (great tip, thanks)
"You'll be fine, you have a great attitude" (If attitude really matters then why did I get cancer in the first place? Or does attitude only matter after you get cancer? right now my attitude about cancer is lousy. what does that mean?)
"If you really want to live, you will. Just never give up. when people give up, they die"
"Don't worry, your hair will grow back"
"We'll beat this" (we?)

I also am thinking of getting these printed on t shirts or hats:

Yes I have cancer, no you may not see my head

If you are going to stare at least smile

Just ask me

HEARD THEM
I've heard so many of these comments!! I think that people have good intentions and don't realize what to say!! Diane

guitarmom2

VickiSam said:

KUDOS .. for not losing your cool
I'm in the beginning stage of my breast cancer .. I am a fog.

Comments by friends or co workers are hurtful. I don't know if she meant any harm, however, she may be a very self absorbed women, who do not have the capacity to be kind and supportive.

What I might do, in your case (cuz, I am sure I will be there soon with my surgeries and chemo) .. would be to .. send her a hand written note stating that I appreicated the visits, however, it would be better if she read the attached listing 'what not to say' before her next visit. If she gets angry or upset .. OH WELL, she not a true friend!!

Vicki

Vicki -Sorry to hear, but you found the right place
I was diagnosed on 6/29/09 and had bilat. mastectomies on 7/23/09, so I'm a little ahead of you. I am SO GLAD you found this site before your surgery. I was lucky to have found it, but only after the surgery. Anyway, I hope you find comfort and support here. Information too. I'm sure you will find that there is always someone who has had the same thought or feeling as you. I know I have. please let me know if I can help you in any way.

bowlwarej

rjjj said:

Julie
Hi! i'm glad to meet you, my daughter Jamie is also very loving and supportive like you, She would have felt and done the same things. Of this I am sure.

Your Mom is such an asset to our board, and so are you my dear. I love to see your respect and love for your mom it makes my heart smile. You are refreshing and sooo sweet.
Love, jackie

Thanks=)
Thanks Jackie!

I'm glad that you have someone like your daughter too. Someone who would fight for you through anything! I wish that everyone had someone like that in their lives...it's heartbreaking to think that anyone should have to go through cancer alone or without someone there to help them battle their problems.

Your words are so encouraging and kind! I can imagine many women have found strength in having you as a friend

XOXO

Julie