Should I be angry or hurt??? Not quite sure....

taleena
taleena Member Posts: 1,612 Member
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
Okay... I trying to figure this out... part of me is really pi**ed off... and the other part is hurt.. I should have known, it really has been this way for years.... So, I live near my mom and one of my sisters... the rest of my family lives in Washington...(the ones in WA I am very close to).... So, I am getting my treatment plan on Aug 12th... should start treatment right away..... Mom & stepdad are leaving for Nevada on Aug 10th and are not returning until the end of Sept... Sister is leaving the same week for a two month vacation, going to CA, OR & WA... mom & Stepdad are retired, sister doesn't work.... Am I out of line for realizing that there is something wrong with this picture????

When my brother was dx I was there the entire way... even in the end he was right here... I wouldn't have wanted it any other way... I know I'm not going to have the same fate... but... Am I blowing this out of proportion??? If I am please kick my arse and tell me to move on.... I will listen, because I do realize that I may be just a little overly sensitive..... What do you guys think??? Please be honest... do not spare my feelings...

Thanks

~T
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Comments

  • ritazimm
    ritazimm Member Posts: 171
    All right T...Here it is...
    I think it is very sad that they are are still planning to leave for such a long period of time! My mother is the only one that lives near me and a couple of my sisters were willing to take time off of work to come to help me if I needed it. Thankfully I did not because my hubby and daughter took care of everything, but the fact that they offered........meant the world to me.

    Unless they would be out a huge amount of money that they cannot afford to lose, I do not get it for a moment and I would also be very hurt, if it were me. I'm sorry that you have to deal with this hurtful situation on top of everything else. I hope they wake up and see the error of their ways and lack of consideration for you!!!

    God bless,
    Rita
  • aztec45
    aztec45 Member Posts: 757
    Man
    So does this mean you will not have anyone with you when you start chemo? Does this mean you will not have anyone to take care of you after treatment?

    Can't one of them alter there vacations plans by a few weeks?

    I would be PO'ed. This, to me, is a classic example of people not really understanding your needs and feelings and putting themselves and their needs first. I am sorry. Maybe I am just a litter bias due to the experience I had with my Bro and his wife.

    I hope things work our for you and someone is there for you.

    P
  • Aortus
    Aortus Member Posts: 967
    Bah...
    You're not being oversensitive at all, Taleena. It's not as though you expect any of them to hover over you for every minute of your treatment. But it's not too much to expect some kind of acknowledgment that you are, basically, fighting for your life. Even though we know you are going to win, running off like that is pretty shi++y.

    Even if I were offered a free two month vacation in St. Petersburg, staying in a suite at the Astoria Hotel - if one of my or Moopy's siblings was being treated for cancer, my answer would be "nyet." When I needed to come back to Springfield for three days, Moopy emailed her big sister Jackie to ask if Jackie would come to stay with her in St. Louis. Jackie's return email was three words long "I'll be there." I have no doubt that if any of your siblings asked you, Taleena, you would give exactly the same answer. I'm so sorry you're getting treated like this. You have a right to be p1ssed.

    Joe
  • taleena
    taleena Member Posts: 1,612 Member
    ritazimm said:

    All right T...Here it is...
    I think it is very sad that they are are still planning to leave for such a long period of time! My mother is the only one that lives near me and a couple of my sisters were willing to take time off of work to come to help me if I needed it. Thankfully I did not because my hubby and daughter took care of everything, but the fact that they offered........meant the world to me.

    Unless they would be out a huge amount of money that they cannot afford to lose, I do not get it for a moment and I would also be very hurt, if it were me. I'm sorry that you have to deal with this hurtful situation on top of everything else. I hope they wake up and see the error of their ways and lack of consideration for you!!!

    God bless,
    Rita

    Thanks Rita... no they won't
    Thanks Rita... no they won't be out any money... they are all driving... so it really doesn't matter when they go... it is just a matter of when they want to go... they are all staying with friends and family, so no hotels either... Actually I'm not surprised by this... it has been this way since I was young... I just always set myself up to hope that "this time" it will be different, even though I know inside somethings just never change.

    Thank you for your input... it's appreciated... I think I will stay pi**ed it sure beats tears!

    ~T
  • taleena
    taleena Member Posts: 1,612 Member
    aztec45 said:

    Man
    So does this mean you will not have anyone with you when you start chemo? Does this mean you will not have anyone to take care of you after treatment?

    Can't one of them alter there vacations plans by a few weeks?

    I would be PO'ed. This, to me, is a classic example of people not really understanding your needs and feelings and putting themselves and their needs first. I am sorry. Maybe I am just a litter bias due to the experience I had with my Bro and his wife.

    I hope things work our for you and someone is there for you.

    P

    Hey P... no, I will not be
    Hey P... no, I will not be alone, not by any means... I have a wonderful husband who has been by my side the entire time, and children that will pull together to get me through whatever comes down the pike... they are my true blessings....so I will not be alone... It's just the thought.. My sister in law will be around as well, and if needed will fill in for my hubby if for some reason he can't be there due to work issues.. (which will be few and far between knowing him)... It's just the thougtht... my mother and my sister...I just don't get it.

    ~T
  • taleena
    taleena Member Posts: 1,612 Member
    Aortus said:

    Bah...
    You're not being oversensitive at all, Taleena. It's not as though you expect any of them to hover over you for every minute of your treatment. But it's not too much to expect some kind of acknowledgment that you are, basically, fighting for your life. Even though we know you are going to win, running off like that is pretty shi++y.

    Even if I were offered a free two month vacation in St. Petersburg, staying in a suite at the Astoria Hotel - if one of my or Moopy's siblings was being treated for cancer, my answer would be "nyet." When I needed to come back to Springfield for three days, Moopy emailed her big sister Jackie to ask if Jackie would come to stay with her in St. Louis. Jackie's return email was three words long "I'll be there." I have no doubt that if any of your siblings asked you, Taleena, you would give exactly the same answer. I'm so sorry you're getting treated like this. You have a right to be p1ssed.

    Joe

    Your right Joe... and thank
    Your right Joe... and thank you... I would pass up on vacation... actually last year I did... but that is me not them... I try to understand them... but sometimes it's difficult because it seems so foreign to me... maybe I was just born on the wrong planet or something... sometimes I wonder... I would walk through fire to get to them when they needed me... would and have... I seem to always hope that things will change but I guess some things we just need to accept and move on...

    Okay... happy vacations to them, after all I did have mine... and had a wonderful time... here's hoping they have some fun too... I have my family at home and my family here... I'll get through it just fine, with or without them.


    ~T
  • rodripa9
    rodripa9 Member Posts: 28
    It happens
    Dear T. My sister has BC she had her 1st chemo treatment on Wednesday and I'm down here in FL with her for the weekend. I'm here because I love her and I know she really needs me. She has kids and doesn't do to good when she feels sick. She sometimes needs a little extra TLC. That is her type. Me, I'm the one that never complains, I'm always moving, I'm always "fine" even when I feel like dieing. But that's how I am. So sometimes when the people around me take me for granted, because I take myself for granted I get PO too. But it's because we come off as so strong. Get what I'm trying to say. People start thinking we're like bionic women or something. Also did your brother pass away? I'm sorry if I misunderstood, but if I didn't they just might be checking out emotionally so that they don't have to relive the pain of a child or sibling going through this. Know your not alone, there are support groups, volunteers and us when ever you need it. Call a friend to drive you or just to pass you a glass of water if you need it. Or tell your mom or sister, "you know, I'm really scared right now and don't want to be alone, could you stay a few extra days and make sure I'm ok." Sometimes if you don't put yourself out there for people to see, they might just think your fine. Getting upset right now isn't good for you either. You need to be relaxed and try to be as stress free as possible. Maybe your family members aren't whats best for you now, maybe a good friend might be a stronger shoulder to lean on. I know my mom is a mess and that's why we chose to keep her on a need to know basis. We just told her yesterday about the chemo, because we knew she wouldn't take it well. See what I'm saying. Don't worry hon, it has been my experience that the universe doesn't give you anything you can't overcome and you always come out a little stronger. Good luck and God Bless
  • jnl
    jnl Member Posts: 3,869 Member
    I am just curious, what is
    I am just curious, what is the treatment plan? Are you doing chemo? Or hormone therapy or?

    Maybe, they aren't even aware of what you will be doing or going thru. Perhaps they should be given the benefit of the doubt if they don't know exactly what will be happening. ?????

    Hope you feel better!
  • ppurdin
    ppurdin Member Posts: 1,181
    hurt feelings
    HI,i think you have a right to feel this way.They are being very inconsideret.Can you talk to them about this?OR are you like me and don,t let them know that you may need their help.I WAS JUST TELLING MY HUSBAND TONIGHT HOW THE PEOPLE CLOSE TO ME WAS THEIR EVERY DAY FROM THE TIME I HAD MY SURGERY TO THE cANCER DIGNOSES THRU. THE NEXT SURGERY.aND i also will b e starting treatments soon.AND THEY HAVE ALREADY STOPPED CALLING OR STOPPING IN.i am thinking I may have a lonley road while taking my treatments also.I am sorry they are treating you this way.I will pray for you tonight.IF you don,t mind I WILL ADD YOU TO MY FRIENDS LIST.their is so many wonderful people on this sight.They have helped me so much.Any hr. day or night i can talk to someone on this sight.LOVE AND PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU.God bless you.
  • Christmas Girl
    Christmas Girl Member Posts: 3,682 Member
    The week of my surgery...
    My one and only sister, and her family (brother-in-law is my husband's best friend, going all the way back to high school), went on an out-of-town vacation. So, I know first-hand exactly how you feel. If the tables had been turned, I'd have rescheduled or cancelled my vacation.

    For my surgery, my husband scheduled a week's worth of vacation from his job. Day of/day after surgery - they didn't even call to find out how things went. Honestly, I was much less hurt and disappointed (because it was as I had expected) than were my husband and both parents. Didn't hear from them, at all, until after their return.

    When it comes to relationships, whether family or friends - no matter what we might hope for... People often begin to show their "true colors" - as is often discussed here on the board.

    Maybe to spare your own feelings, try to expect nothing from those with an already established track record of not being there for you. I am sorry, and wish it wasn't so for you.

    Kind regards, Susan
  • fauxma
    fauxma Member Posts: 3,577 Member
    taleena said:

    Hey P... no, I will not be
    Hey P... no, I will not be alone, not by any means... I have a wonderful husband who has been by my side the entire time, and children that will pull together to get me through whatever comes down the pike... they are my true blessings....so I will not be alone... It's just the thought.. My sister in law will be around as well, and if needed will fill in for my hubby if for some reason he can't be there due to work issues.. (which will be few and far between knowing him)... It's just the thougtht... my mother and my sister...I just don't get it.

    ~T

    You are not being overly
    You are not being overly sensitive. I have a wonderful supportive hubby and daughter that were here for me during this cancer but I so missed my mom. She died a few years ago and she was my rock, my touchstone. When I had cancer the 1st time she went to every radiation treatment with me, even though I told her she didn't have to. She said she knew that but she wanted to. She made me laugh when I walked out after the 1st treatment by saying Let's go into the closet and see if you glow in the dark. I cannot imagine her going away while any of her children needed her. Maybe your mom and sister think that you have all the support you need. You might tell them how much it would mean to you if one or the other could be here for you. But maybe that would just open a can of worms. I am so sorry that they are doing this. It's a time we need to feel protected and cared for by those we love. My mom used to say We kids always wanted to be cuddled the most when we were feeling puny and she was right. Just know that we are here for you and our prayers and good thoughts are always with you.
    Stef
  • Daledj85
    Daledj85 Member Posts: 10
    I am so sorry you will be by
    I am so sorry you will be by yourself. I could not imagine the feelings you will be experiencing. I go in for my first treatment on 08/12/08 and am really scared so I know your thoughts. Hopefully, you can find a close friend - so please TAKE someone with you.
  • RE
    RE Member Posts: 4,591 Member
    Sad indeed!
    Well I am quite sure I would be very hurt as well, sort of like they are not taking this seriously. If you can relate to them how disturbing this is to you perhaps they can reconsider. Now that said here is a bit of a different insight, you mention the loss of your brother and I am wondering if perhaps they are leaving at this crucial time because they are in denial. I say this because my brother was much like that during my first and second cancer battles. We lost my mom in midst of my second battle due to ovarian cancer. I had to show up at his doorstep and tell him how sick she was, he said well tell me when it is terminal I proceeded to say IT IS TERMINAL, it is NOW you need to COME HOME. That he heard, it had to be put in undeniable words to reach his heart. Since then we have lost a sister to cancer as well and he no longer is so thick skulled. He used to ask me "how is that thing you have" geez!!! Some people like to bury their heads in the sand until someone jolts them out of the hole. I hope this works out in a positive way and I am so pleased to hear you have other's that will be there to love and support you.

    Hugs to you T~

    RE
  • maya00i
    maya00i Member Posts: 42
    I know the feeling.Although
    I know the feeling.Although my sister came down from NY to be with me the first time which was great, but when she went home I was alone.
    My daughter visited me once,my husband could of cared less. In fact he left me.You are lucky to at least have your husband there,i think that is great.
  • taleena
    taleena Member Posts: 1,612 Member

    The week of my surgery...
    My one and only sister, and her family (brother-in-law is my husband's best friend, going all the way back to high school), went on an out-of-town vacation. So, I know first-hand exactly how you feel. If the tables had been turned, I'd have rescheduled or cancelled my vacation.

    For my surgery, my husband scheduled a week's worth of vacation from his job. Day of/day after surgery - they didn't even call to find out how things went. Honestly, I was much less hurt and disappointed (because it was as I had expected) than were my husband and both parents. Didn't hear from them, at all, until after their return.

    When it comes to relationships, whether family or friends - no matter what we might hope for... People often begin to show their "true colors" - as is often discussed here on the board.

    Maybe to spare your own feelings, try to expect nothing from those with an already established track record of not being there for you. I am sorry, and wish it wasn't so for you.

    Kind regards, Susan

    Susan... your right... I
    Susan... your right... I need to adjust my way of thinking... It is a long history of the same thing, always leaving me feeling hurt... you would think that I would learn at some point to quit expecting something different....

    The situation would be so much different if I were in WA... You see, I was raised in a blended family enviornment, my other (I hate the words step... they are things we walk on and shouldn't be used for people..).. okay .. my "other" sisters and brother, live in WA... One sister has already offered to fly out here if needed...she told me yesterday... "just say the word and I'm there"... If I were there, they would all be with me... just knowing that brings me comfort and strength... the ones that live here are my "real sister and mother"...
    Sounds kind of backwards doesn't it... kind of have to laugh at the irony of the situation...

    I don't know their reasons... maybe I never will... I do know that when a crisis hits I'm the first one that they all call, and I have always been the one to hold them together... this time is different, I can't do it for them... so, they have to deal with it together on their own... Something that they are not used to...

    I will be fine..I know it.. After all I have a wonderful hubby by my side, and I know there are those here who are not as fortunate as I and really are going through this on there own.. my heart goes out to them...

    Thanks for the response...

    Hugs...

    ~T
  • taleena
    taleena Member Posts: 1,612 Member
    Thank you everyone for your
    Thank you everyone for your individual thoughts on this... the combination of all of them helped me to look at it from different perspectives...

    I will not be alone... after all I have an amazing immediate family and an amazing group in all of you!

    Hugs, and best wishes...


    ~T
  • bfbear
    bfbear Member Posts: 380
    taleena said:

    Thank you everyone for your
    Thank you everyone for your individual thoughts on this... the combination of all of them helped me to look at it from different perspectives...

    I will not be alone... after all I have an amazing immediate family and an amazing group in all of you!

    Hugs, and best wishes...


    ~T

    You can't pick your family members...
    or else I'd have different ones too (except for one wonderful sister...).

    I'd be pretty pi--ed off too in your situation. But eventually I guess we have to realize that ultimatley it's THEIR problem, not ours. And having a husband and kids around to help is a gift and a blessing (hence the cliche: count your blessings, as opposed to count your miseries!)

    In my mind, I tell myself to feel those angry, resenting feelings and then let them go. In the end, "resentment is a poison you take yourself, expecting the other person to die." Of course, I am much better at giving this advice than at taking it!!! (LOL)

    But it's true. You need to focus on the good things in your life and keep your strength positive. Your "relatives," may have their priorities totally screwed up, but you need to remember that YOU are the important one here -- protect yourself from "toxic" relationships (I have had to do this with my Dad for many years...). Let the people that love you, love you and help you. Ignore the rest. The most important thing right now is your health and well-being.

    I hope I'm not being too preachy.... if so, I apologize in advance.

    Hang in there, sister!

    With love and hugs,
    Debi
  • Moopy23
    Moopy23 Member Posts: 1,751 Member
    taleena said:

    Thank you everyone for your
    Thank you everyone for your individual thoughts on this... the combination of all of them helped me to look at it from different perspectives...

    I will not be alone... after all I have an amazing immediate family and an amazing group in all of you!

    Hugs, and best wishes...


    ~T

    Not Alone
    Taleena, I can't add anything to what others have written except to agree. You deserve much more support and concern than you are getting from your mother and sister. Susan's advice is right on, as usual, this time about people having a track record of not being there for you. The love of your husband and children are all the more precious and highlighted by the actions of the others.

    So, no, you will not be alone. You have lots of sisters here, encouraging you and with you every step of the way.
  • Akiss4me
    Akiss4me Member Posts: 2,188
    Your question was....
    Should you be angry or hurt? Hmmmm....I think "all of the above". And then some!! (smile)
    We can't help but have many negative feelings when family act negatively towards us. I have never once met anyone that wanted to celebrate when they were cast aside in their time of need while the family persued their own pleasures. Sounds to me rather selfish on their part. Hurtful to us.
    In my phone conversation yesterday with my older sister, who has been there with me from the beginning, she informed me that she "blew up" at my younger sister for not even ever calling me. Said she just was appalled when she realized that she never even ask how I am doing. Bless her heart for having my back, but I never wanted to cause a family fued.
    She asked me how can I NOT be upset about it? I told her this....
    Yes, my feelings are hurt. But why should I expect that I should be thought of any more than before I was DX'd? We lived all of our adult lives in different states and really never got to know each other. This goes for all my sisters and brother (except my oldest sister who is my "step sister" {hate the word too}). Just because I have a Critical Illness does not mean I am looking for any different treatment.
    If my illness is causing them to re-evalute our relationship and they decide that they would actually want to have one, that would be a different story. But the main thing is that they are not acting any different then before my DX. Therefore, I have no different feelings towards them. I would have liked it to be different, but that is not reality.
    So, Taleena, sounds like they are acting no different then before. Maybe that is the reason you were led here in the first place, so that we can comfort you and be your other family you need. I know it is not the same, but sometimes it can be even better.
    Hang in there. All the family you need to get through this are right before your eyes (your hubby & children) and of course you have us!!!
    My goodness, girl, did you hear what I just said? YOU HAVE US!!!! Heck, you don't really need anyone else with all of us around. I mean with as special we are and all? You know there is absolutely no other group of people that act anything like us! Think about it! We are truely sooooo unigue! OK, I better shut up before the men in the white coats start rounding us all up!! Sending soothing hugs your way....you know we love you!! (:-) Pammy
  • jk1952
    jk1952 Member Posts: 613
    Akiss4me said:

    Your question was....
    Should you be angry or hurt? Hmmmm....I think "all of the above". And then some!! (smile)
    We can't help but have many negative feelings when family act negatively towards us. I have never once met anyone that wanted to celebrate when they were cast aside in their time of need while the family persued their own pleasures. Sounds to me rather selfish on their part. Hurtful to us.
    In my phone conversation yesterday with my older sister, who has been there with me from the beginning, she informed me that she "blew up" at my younger sister for not even ever calling me. Said she just was appalled when she realized that she never even ask how I am doing. Bless her heart for having my back, but I never wanted to cause a family fued.
    She asked me how can I NOT be upset about it? I told her this....
    Yes, my feelings are hurt. But why should I expect that I should be thought of any more than before I was DX'd? We lived all of our adult lives in different states and really never got to know each other. This goes for all my sisters and brother (except my oldest sister who is my "step sister" {hate the word too}). Just because I have a Critical Illness does not mean I am looking for any different treatment.
    If my illness is causing them to re-evalute our relationship and they decide that they would actually want to have one, that would be a different story. But the main thing is that they are not acting any different then before my DX. Therefore, I have no different feelings towards them. I would have liked it to be different, but that is not reality.
    So, Taleena, sounds like they are acting no different then before. Maybe that is the reason you were led here in the first place, so that we can comfort you and be your other family you need. I know it is not the same, but sometimes it can be even better.
    Hang in there. All the family you need to get through this are right before your eyes (your hubby & children) and of course you have us!!!
    My goodness, girl, did you hear what I just said? YOU HAVE US!!!! Heck, you don't really need anyone else with all of us around. I mean with as special we are and all? You know there is absolutely no other group of people that act anything like us! Think about it! We are truely sooooo unigue! OK, I better shut up before the men in the white coats start rounding us all up!! Sending soothing hugs your way....you know we love you!! (:-) Pammy

    Taleena,
    I've read your


    Taleena,

    I've read your posts with sadness in my heart. Why do our family memebers have to disappoint us so? In your situation, I'd be angry and sad.

    You've been a rock through all of this: is there any chance that they may think that you've got it all together and you don't need them? Could they be waiting to see if you ask for help? Some people do care, and they just don't know how to show it. Or, they're afraid that they will do the wrong thing. I have no idea if this is the case (it probably isn't), but I thought I'd ask the question anyway.

    Joyce