almost losing it

tracy783
tracy783 Member Posts: 3
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
jus diagnosed in April, mom died from breast cancer when I was a year old. Had lumpectomy then went for another surg to remove more tissue. Not sure if im havin chemo or rad. Scared about what im goin to do to myself, im on antidepressants! HELP!!!
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Comments

  • rjjj
    rjjj Member Posts: 1,822 Member
    Welcome Tracey
    I am so glad you found us. You will find support here from the most wonderfull and supportive women in the world. We have all been there where you are now, the waiting and worrying is the very hardest. Please keep posting , and try to be around loved ones for support. Tell them what you have told us, and that you need them now.

    Even if you do have to do chemo and rads, it is doable ..believe me i was more scared than anyone knew, and I made it through all now, and am glad i've done all i can to fight the beast. You are so worth it hun, and it really isn't so bad. just try to do things to take your mind off it, things you enjoy, with people you enjoy. It's ok to talk about your fears, vent and cry. We will be here to listen and support you each step of the way. Take it one day or one minute at a time. It will get better.

    I am keeping you in my prayers,
    God Bless, Jackie
  • arbojenn
    arbojenn Member Posts: 118
    We're here for ya!
    We're here for ya! Sometimes just getting off your chest or giving words to your fears helps. We will all help you through this. Tell us more about you've been through so far. Are you er positive? What about your hr status? Things are much more hopeful than they were for your mom. In the last ten years, things gave changed dramatically! Do you feel comfortable with the doctors you have? That is very important.
  • Calleen
    Calleen Member Posts: 411
    Tracy
    I just read your response on my other thread... I've been there so many times.. breaking down and crying uncontroubly.. I didn't know how I was going to make it another second.. When I'm feeling like that I pray pray pray.. I know God is holding me together and so are all these wonderful new friends/sisters I've found here!!! My Mother also lost her battle with breast cancer. I watched her take her last breath.. So I'm also terrifed that I will suffer the same fate.. BUT... I also have "HOPE" ... I see it in the little things.. Right now My 12 1/2 year old Grandaughter is here smiling at me and making me know that my life is worth something to her!!! It's raining outside and that's wonderful because I get to see it... You are a beautiful wonderful worthy Woman and you mean so much to your Family ... I'm waiting to hear back....
  • zahalene
    zahalene Member Posts: 670
    Calleen said:

    Tracy
    I just read your response on my other thread... I've been there so many times.. breaking down and crying uncontroubly.. I didn't know how I was going to make it another second.. When I'm feeling like that I pray pray pray.. I know God is holding me together and so are all these wonderful new friends/sisters I've found here!!! My Mother also lost her battle with breast cancer. I watched her take her last breath.. So I'm also terrifed that I will suffer the same fate.. BUT... I also have "HOPE" ... I see it in the little things.. Right now My 12 1/2 year old Grandaughter is here smiling at me and making me know that my life is worth something to her!!! It's raining outside and that's wonderful because I get to see it... You are a beautiful wonderful worthy Woman and you mean so much to your Family ... I'm waiting to hear back....

    My daughter....
    was 12 when I was diagnosed the first of three times (son was 1 1/2). She turned 35 in June. I am still here to boss her around!
    Just wanted to say it can happen.
  • lolad
    lolad Member Posts: 670
    zahalene said:

    My daughter....
    was 12 when I was diagnosed the first of three times (son was 1 1/2). She turned 35 in June. I am still here to boss her around!
    Just wanted to say it can happen.

    Tracy
    I was diagnosed in april too. I know the fears and depressions you are going through. I have three children im on my own with and i still dont know what my treatments im going to have except for definately hormonal therapy. I find out about my chemo tomorrow. They were waiting on my oncotype dx results to come back. You are not alone, even though im on an antidepressant as well, i still cry and feel very overwelmed at times. Its totally natural to feel that way. Keep faith in your heart, that has helped me. Also the love i have for my children and their smiles keep me going. Waiting is very hard and the not knowing what you are going to have to go through sucks. Its felt like years to me. Know that you will soon have answers. Stay strong and its ok to cry. You have to, you cant keep it all in. You are in my prayers.

    laura
  • Kat11
    Kat11 Member Posts: 1,931 Member
    lolad said:

    Tracy
    I was diagnosed in april too. I know the fears and depressions you are going through. I have three children im on my own with and i still dont know what my treatments im going to have except for definately hormonal therapy. I find out about my chemo tomorrow. They were waiting on my oncotype dx results to come back. You are not alone, even though im on an antidepressant as well, i still cry and feel very overwelmed at times. Its totally natural to feel that way. Keep faith in your heart, that has helped me. Also the love i have for my children and their smiles keep me going. Waiting is very hard and the not knowing what you are going to have to go through sucks. Its felt like years to me. Know that you will soon have answers. Stay strong and its ok to cry. You have to, you cant keep it all in. You are in my prayers.

    laura

    Tracy
    I was diagnosed in April to. I have had lumpectomy with 22 nodes removed. 2 nodes pos. Started Chemo in July just 2 treatments so far, have a lot more to go. You can do this, we will all do this together. I know how scared feels, Just take it a day at a time. We are here for you. Hugs
  • tasha_111
    tasha_111 Member Posts: 2,072
    Kat11 said:

    Tracy
    I was diagnosed in April to. I have had lumpectomy with 22 nodes removed. 2 nodes pos. Started Chemo in July just 2 treatments so far, have a lot more to go. You can do this, we will all do this together. I know how scared feels, Just take it a day at a time. We are here for you. Hugs

    Tracy
    Your post really hit me in the heart, it was just so honest, and exactly how I felt before I discovered this site.
    My Hyper personality (O.K. Annoying) got me through the surgery, My husband (well sort of) was completely horrible to me all through chemo and rads.....but I got through on my own. I found this site after all treatments, except Tamoxifen, were over. I hit the suicidal barrier twice......First time half-way through chemo when my other half walked out on me, second time at the end of rads.....people on this site literally saved my life when I could barely read through the tears! Use Us.......We are all there for each other, if it wasn't for the lovely people here, I wouldn't be around today.

    Huge Hugs to you! Jxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
  • aztec45
    aztec45 Member Posts: 757
    tasha_111 said:

    Tracy
    Your post really hit me in the heart, it was just so honest, and exactly how I felt before I discovered this site.
    My Hyper personality (O.K. Annoying) got me through the surgery, My husband (well sort of) was completely horrible to me all through chemo and rads.....but I got through on my own. I found this site after all treatments, except Tamoxifen, were over. I hit the suicidal barrier twice......First time half-way through chemo when my other half walked out on me, second time at the end of rads.....people on this site literally saved my life when I could barely read through the tears! Use Us.......We are all there for each other, if it wasn't for the lovely people here, I wouldn't be around today.

    Huge Hugs to you! Jxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    Hang In There
    To Tracy,

    I was diagnosed in April as well on my mom's B-Day. When I was told I had cancer, I didn't know whether to cry, vomit, pass out, hit something or what. It is a whirlwind of tests, scans, and doc visits. Then you go through several surgeries - surgeries to remove the lump; surgeries to check the lymph nodes; surgeries to put in the port and then the chemo. I held up alright through all the surgeries and the pain. But when I was told, I had to have chemo, I lost it. I could not stop crying. They put me on something for my crying spells. I survived my first chemo session and will undergo my second session this Friday. You will get through it. And when you feel you cannot, just get on this site and share what you are feeling with these incredable, wonderful, and strong women (and men) on this site. They will lift you up when you need it. I always feel better after visiting this site.

    To Tasha,

    Like the song says, "He ain't strong enough to be your man". Who needs someone that is going to make you feel bad during an incredibly traumatic time in your life. I am glad you are still with us. We need you. Stay amongst the living. We all love you even if he don't.

    P
  • tommaseena
    tommaseena Member Posts: 1,769
    aztec45 said:

    Hang In There
    To Tracy,

    I was diagnosed in April as well on my mom's B-Day. When I was told I had cancer, I didn't know whether to cry, vomit, pass out, hit something or what. It is a whirlwind of tests, scans, and doc visits. Then you go through several surgeries - surgeries to remove the lump; surgeries to check the lymph nodes; surgeries to put in the port and then the chemo. I held up alright through all the surgeries and the pain. But when I was told, I had to have chemo, I lost it. I could not stop crying. They put me on something for my crying spells. I survived my first chemo session and will undergo my second session this Friday. You will get through it. And when you feel you cannot, just get on this site and share what you are feeling with these incredable, wonderful, and strong women (and men) on this site. They will lift you up when you need it. I always feel better after visiting this site.

    To Tasha,

    Like the song says, "He ain't strong enough to be your man". Who needs someone that is going to make you feel bad during an incredibly traumatic time in your life. I am glad you are still with us. We need you. Stay amongst the living. We all love you even if he don't.

    P

    Tracy
    Tracy,
    Welcome to this site which is filled with wonderful, awesome people who are there for you from the first step to your last.

    This is only a short chapter in your journey and the other chapters will be written soon when you start your treatment. We will hold your hand and hugs you virtually.

    We are here for you anytime.

    Hugs,
    Margo
  • tasha_111
    tasha_111 Member Posts: 2,072
    aztec45 said:

    Hang In There
    To Tracy,

    I was diagnosed in April as well on my mom's B-Day. When I was told I had cancer, I didn't know whether to cry, vomit, pass out, hit something or what. It is a whirlwind of tests, scans, and doc visits. Then you go through several surgeries - surgeries to remove the lump; surgeries to check the lymph nodes; surgeries to put in the port and then the chemo. I held up alright through all the surgeries and the pain. But when I was told, I had to have chemo, I lost it. I could not stop crying. They put me on something for my crying spells. I survived my first chemo session and will undergo my second session this Friday. You will get through it. And when you feel you cannot, just get on this site and share what you are feeling with these incredable, wonderful, and strong women (and men) on this site. They will lift you up when you need it. I always feel better after visiting this site.

    To Tasha,

    Like the song says, "He ain't strong enough to be your man". Who needs someone that is going to make you feel bad during an incredibly traumatic time in your life. I am glad you are still with us. We need you. Stay amongst the living. We all love you even if he don't.

    P

    Thank you Aztec
    I just love your accent! I can hear it amongst the type..

    Thank you for what you said... it just made me 12 steps stronger.......Hugs Jxxxxxxxxxxxxx
  • mlmjt1
    mlmjt1 Member Posts: 537
    Hi Tracy
    I was diagnosed in April too. I had bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction then with complications on the right side. I get my 3rd dose of chemo on Friday with 5 more after that every 2 wks then 52 wks of herceptin with breast reconstruction sometime after the first of the year. Reconstruction had to be postponed due to a wound infection. No one knows how much of an emotional rollercoaster this is except for everyone on this site. I did fine for the first 4 weeks and have been anxiety ridden since. Im on antidepressants too but found that xanax which I started on Friday actually has helped me settle down so I can sleep. Also try to stay active as much as you can. Find someone to walk with or bike with if your doc says you can exercise. It helps to burn off some of the stress. If you can continue to work part time that will take your mind off yourself too. I also journal almost everynight.

    We truly all know how you feel. Also you can post anytime during the day or night. People seem to be on all the time

    Keep us posted please...Dont keep this inside. We are all here for each other

    Hugs

    Linda T
  • Akiss4me
    Akiss4me Member Posts: 2,188
    Welcome Tracy....
    First off, I will say that your words send up a red flag my way and it breaks my heart. I know talking to us will give you SOME comfort, but given your current despiration, I think having someone to talk to one on one will be of a lot of help to you. Here is the number for The American Cancer Society's Reach to Recovery Program and Hotline: 1-888-227-6333
    Please call them! They will connect you with a survivor who's situation is similar to yours and will help you walk through this. Sometimes actually hearing a live voice is a big help and can help to put things into perspective.
    You have already taken a giant step by getting on an antidepressant. They can take 30 days to get built up in your system and kick in. So stick with it. If after about 6 weeks you have no relief, speak up, so your Doc can try a different one.
    Please call the number I gave you and we will still be here for you anytime you need us! I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts. :) Pammy
  • lolad
    lolad Member Posts: 670
    Akiss4me said:

    Welcome Tracy....
    First off, I will say that your words send up a red flag my way and it breaks my heart. I know talking to us will give you SOME comfort, but given your current despiration, I think having someone to talk to one on one will be of a lot of help to you. Here is the number for The American Cancer Society's Reach to Recovery Program and Hotline: 1-888-227-6333
    Please call them! They will connect you with a survivor who's situation is similar to yours and will help you walk through this. Sometimes actually hearing a live voice is a big help and can help to put things into perspective.
    You have already taken a giant step by getting on an antidepressant. They can take 30 days to get built up in your system and kick in. So stick with it. If after about 6 weeks you have no relief, speak up, so your Doc can try a different one.
    Please call the number I gave you and we will still be here for you anytime you need us! I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts. :) Pammy

    tracy
    It wasnt until i was going back over and reading the thread and read yours again that i picked up on your last sentence. You are afraid of what you might do to yourself or something like that(sorry its late and i cant sleep). Please dont feel like you are ever alone through this. Take pammys advice and call the number she listed. You will beat this even though the road will be long. You will come out of this a fighter and you will have won. Take one day at a time and reach out please. Someone will be there for you, i promise.

    take care
    laura
  • faithandprayer
    faithandprayer Member Posts: 177
    lolad said:

    tracy
    It wasnt until i was going back over and reading the thread and read yours again that i picked up on your last sentence. You are afraid of what you might do to yourself or something like that(sorry its late and i cant sleep). Please dont feel like you are ever alone through this. Take pammys advice and call the number she listed. You will beat this even though the road will be long. You will come out of this a fighter and you will have won. Take one day at a time and reach out please. Someone will be there for you, i promise.

    take care
    laura

    Day or Night
    Tracy,
    You will never find yourself alone if you continue coming here. It seems there is always someone near day or night. With exactly the right words to say...because they have either "been there" or "are where" you are right now.

    I am praying for your peace, calm and comfort tonight and sending you the strength of this sisterhood.
    KC
  • Lelana
    Lelana Member Posts: 32
    Depression !
    It's a natural thing depression.
    You get news of something that affects you life and you don't know how to control it or if you can at all. Things are out of your reach to do it alone.
    I can tell you that depression can be controled. There are medicines to help.
    I have been doing chemotheropy for a year and a half. Just finished my last one !
    I'm now cancer free ! It is a hard road no matter how long it will be for you.
    Talk to your doctor right now about your depression, and get started with medicine to get you through this. After all this time I'm just now taking prozak. You would think that I would not need anything being cancer free, but that's not the case. The reality of being over all this has not fully set in, and there is a different kind of fear now. I don't understand that my life will be changed from what it was 1 1/2 years ago. And I don't know what it will be like now. I took different kind of meds all through this ordel to handel my feelings and emotions. Do what you must to control this depression. It's one thing you can have control over ! No one is going to know how you feel day to day inside so they won't be able to help much. It's up to you to get the right medicine from your doctor to help yourself.
    This is being written by Tom, Loni's husband.
    I can make Loni laugh like no one else can, but there are days that are just not laughable.
    Loni knows that I can't fully understand what she is going through, but I do help her any way I can. That means getting her the right kind of medicine from the doctor that she needs, and just being supportive when I can't help or do it myself. There's no way I would let her do all this by herself. She would simply give up and die. I can see this.
    Now go to your doctor and get your medicine !
    Loni is going to be alright, I've told her this from the start and have never let up !
    You will be alright also ! It's the truth ! Believe in it ! Your day will come when you will be saying this very thing to someone else that needs your help !

    Tom and Loni
    We did it !
    Are 12 cats helped too!
    That's pandy on Loni's lap !
  • Calleen
    Calleen Member Posts: 411
    Lelana said:

    Depression !
    It's a natural thing depression.
    You get news of something that affects you life and you don't know how to control it or if you can at all. Things are out of your reach to do it alone.
    I can tell you that depression can be controled. There are medicines to help.
    I have been doing chemotheropy for a year and a half. Just finished my last one !
    I'm now cancer free ! It is a hard road no matter how long it will be for you.
    Talk to your doctor right now about your depression, and get started with medicine to get you through this. After all this time I'm just now taking prozak. You would think that I would not need anything being cancer free, but that's not the case. The reality of being over all this has not fully set in, and there is a different kind of fear now. I don't understand that my life will be changed from what it was 1 1/2 years ago. And I don't know what it will be like now. I took different kind of meds all through this ordel to handel my feelings and emotions. Do what you must to control this depression. It's one thing you can have control over ! No one is going to know how you feel day to day inside so they won't be able to help much. It's up to you to get the right medicine from your doctor to help yourself.
    This is being written by Tom, Loni's husband.
    I can make Loni laugh like no one else can, but there are days that are just not laughable.
    Loni knows that I can't fully understand what she is going through, but I do help her any way I can. That means getting her the right kind of medicine from the doctor that she needs, and just being supportive when I can't help or do it myself. There's no way I would let her do all this by herself. She would simply give up and die. I can see this.
    Now go to your doctor and get your medicine !
    Loni is going to be alright, I've told her this from the start and have never let up !
    You will be alright also ! It's the truth ! Believe in it ! Your day will come when you will be saying this very thing to someone else that needs your help !

    Tom and Loni
    We did it !
    Are 12 cats helped too!
    That's pandy on Loni's lap !

    Tracy
    Please write and let us know your ok!! I am thinking about you and can't keep you off my mind!!
  • susie09
    susie09 Member Posts: 2,930
    Calleen said:

    Tracy
    Please write and let us know your ok!! I am thinking about you and can't keep you off my mind!!

    Just welcoming you Tracy!
    Just welcoming you Tracy! You can get thru this, we all did and can!
  • taleena
    taleena Member Posts: 1,612 Member
    Tracy... I hope you are
    Tracy... I hope you are reading every word of every post... I know this is a scary journey... I was diagnosed May 20th... These women here are truly unsung heros... we find reasons to laugh together, we reach out together... I am so glad you found us... My words touched my heart too... I have a dear niece (one of many nieces)... who also lost her mother to breast cancer when she was young... she took the news very hard... but what I said to her is the same thing the women here have said to you... they have come such a long way with treatment and detection, the progress won't bring back those we have lost, but it will allow us to kick this beast in the "arse"... and live long productive happy lives...and maybe 20 years from now, they will have come so far in research that we will not fear the beasts bite on our children....

    Hang in there... please let us know how you are doing... we are here for you!

    Hugs..

    ~T
  • lmmo
    lmmo Member Posts: 56
    tracy
    I was also diagnosed on May 20th and went thru a similar roller coaster. I had bilat mastectomy w/ reconstruction and the flaps died so I had to have the necrotic tissue removed as well as the reconstruction. I saw the plastic surgeon yesterday to have the last drain out and have been crying since Friday uncontrollably. He called a psychiatrist and wants me on some meds so they kick in in 2 weeks so I can start chemo. I was supposed to start physical therapy today, but that was postponed because of my depression. I did see a therapist on Sat, but he was not satisfied.
    I am also here for you and understand what you are going through. These friends here are so helpful and I too am glad I found them.
  • mimivac
    mimivac Member Posts: 2,143
    Are you out there, Tracy
    Tracy, it's Ok to lose it and cry and scream and be angry. You are going through an awful time right now and it's fine to acknowlege that. But always know that this time shall eventually pass and better times are ahead. Depression can make you feel hopeless, like there's no tomorrow, like you'll never feel better. But you will. Trust us on this. We have all been down this road and know the crushing, overwhelming feeling of fear, desperation, numbness, and a whole host of other unpleasant changes. Please call the number Pammy listed and come back and tell us how you're doing. Use this as a sounding board, a crying board, a whatever board. We're here for you, always.

    Mimi