OK What now?
Comments
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We all react when we hearNoel said:Stef, I apologize if my
Stef, I apologize if my statements hurt you, or, Tasha. That was certainly not my intent. And, no, I have not walked in your shoes or Tasha's, as, I would never put myself or stay in that situation. I am a self sufficient woman, confident and was raised like that so that I could be dependent, if needed. I am married to the most wonderful man in the world, to me, and I love my life outside of having bc.
My words might have seemed strong, but, sometimes that is what is needed with some to actually wake them up. I feel sorry for Tasha and that man. Tasha for putting up with his abuse for 2 years or more and him because he is in total confusion, I am sure, as to whether she wants him or not. That is the seesaw effect. There was no malice in my words. Tasha knows as anyone else on here that I support her 100% and would help her in anyway possible that I could if asked or needed.
But, that doesn't mean that I can't speak my mind and tell it like I see it. I had a best girl friend in an abusive relationship. I went thru the ups and downs with her until finally she woke up. And, she woke up because suddenly someone actually talked to her like I did to Tasha. Everyone else just tippy toed around it and said Poor Barb, I am so sorry, and so on and so on. Noone said leave him and quit playing games with his life and emotions and yours. Either you want him and the abuse or you don't want him and the abuse. And, guess what? She left! Finally, someone spoke the truth to her and made her realize that she was sending her abusive husband the message that she liked it because she put up with it and because she stayed. So, he would leave and come back, he would leave and come back. Because she was, in her case, the enabler. She allowed him to keep doing it. That might upset you Stef, and, I am sorry, but, I am not speaking to your particular life as I don't know and see no sense in going into it. It is your life, your past.
So, if you are upset, sorry. But, I was speaking to Tasha. And, if Tasha gets upset with my wording, I am sure she will let me know. I am only speaking my mind and with my experience with my girlfriend. Nothing else and noone else's life is the subject here.
Noel
p.s. Also, why do people attack other's opinions on here so much? I see that more and more lately. I stated it was my opinion and it was focused on Tasha, noone else. Tasha posted the thread and I can state my opinion just as much as anyone else can. Never did or have I ever even remotely said I don't support her, and, she knows I would do anything for her. And, once again Stef, my post isn't about you. It is about Tasha. So, if you feel the need to discuss my views and statements further, I think it would be best to just pm me. This forum, this thread isn't meant for bc survivors to fight back and forth. Thanks!
We all react when we hear opinions about our cancer journey and I thought we were all free to chime in. If you had posted to someone about your treatment to and I had a counter opinion I would give it. If you said something negative to someone, I would direct the opinion to you. I thought this was the same. I too was just giving my opinion. I thought some of what you said was very valid and some was harsh. The harsh stuff hit a nerve for me. So, I apologize for jumping into your post that was meant for Tasha. I won't jump into any posts in the future that aren't directed to me personally. And I know that you are usually very supportive of Tasha and that's what surprised me. I thought that by telling you why it can be difficult to make what should be an obvious decision you would have some further understanding. And to clarify I was started off a self confident, independent and strong twenty year old who gradually and slowly had all of that stripped away. I wish that I had made the right choices like you did but I grew and learned from it. I am again a strong, independent woman who was in a intolerable situation and managed to eventually break free.
I am so sorry that this became an issue between us. That was never my intent. I love this board and all on it. Even when I disagree with someone, I still respect them and I would never let my disagreeing with someone or being hurt or even angry stop me from listening to them in the future. We just looked at this in two different ways. Neither is wrong or right, just our viewpoint. But if you prefer I will not respond when you post something. I truly do not what to cause problems on our board.
Stef0 -
Well said, Stef. I like thefauxma said:You are not a sap or stupid.
You are not a sap or stupid. You have just been conditioned to this situation. You need to find the same innner strength that got you through the cancer and use it now to get through this. Think of him as a cancer that you need to rid yourself of. Chemo him, Radiate him, surgically remove him and take whatever meds you need for the next 5 years to keep him away. Think only of yourself and what you need. It's hard, it's easy to slide back, but trust me when you finally have him gone from you life forever you will be so, so much happier and at peace. Don't be drawn into fights or dialogs, just tell him to go and not to return, not to contact you. Change locks, don't answer phone calls, ask you employers to see he isn't allowed at your work, whatever you need to do to cut the ties. And find whatever support you can from friends, family, employers etc. I know you can do it, my dear daft sod and we are all here to support you and help you through this.
Stef
Well said, Stef. I like the comparison to the fight against cancer. It helps to put it into perspective.
Joyce0 -
My post was to Tasha, as Ifauxma said:We all react when we hear
We all react when we hear opinions about our cancer journey and I thought we were all free to chime in. If you had posted to someone about your treatment to and I had a counter opinion I would give it. If you said something negative to someone, I would direct the opinion to you. I thought this was the same. I too was just giving my opinion. I thought some of what you said was very valid and some was harsh. The harsh stuff hit a nerve for me. So, I apologize for jumping into your post that was meant for Tasha. I won't jump into any posts in the future that aren't directed to me personally. And I know that you are usually very supportive of Tasha and that's what surprised me. I thought that by telling you why it can be difficult to make what should be an obvious decision you would have some further understanding. And to clarify I was started off a self confident, independent and strong twenty year old who gradually and slowly had all of that stripped away. I wish that I had made the right choices like you did but I grew and learned from it. I am again a strong, independent woman who was in a intolerable situation and managed to eventually break free.
I am so sorry that this became an issue between us. That was never my intent. I love this board and all on it. Even when I disagree with someone, I still respect them and I would never let my disagreeing with someone or being hurt or even angry stop me from listening to them in the future. We just looked at this in two different ways. Neither is wrong or right, just our viewpoint. But if you prefer I will not respond when you post something. I truly do not what to cause problems on our board.
Stef
My post was to Tasha, as I stated. I think you are not understanding my words. I don't care what people state on here. We are free to agree or disagree. But, you took my words to Tasha and then turned them into your own story, your past with abuse. And, I was in no way aware of your past abuse or speaking to that. I feel sometimes a response negatively, is best left out of the original thread and if necessary, send it to someone in a pm. This thread was about Tasha and now it is turning around to your past abuse and my response in not knowing that and somehow offending you. Like I said, it was to Tasha and only to her. I didn't realize it was open for criticism.
Noel0 -
Tasha,
Unfortunately we are not living in a movie where you would ditch this man, driving off into the sunset with a great soundtrack playing. I know it is not an easy thing when you have history with someone -- when that person has made you feel that you are not OK on your own. There is a lot to work through here. But, Tash, everything these women have said is right. You are too, too good to spend your life with someone that doesn't absolutely love and cherish you and think of your best interests. Love shouldn't be painful and difficult. It should be uplifting and easy (most of the time). If this were happening to a dear girlfriend of yours, what would you say? Would you tell her to stay in misery and a toxic environment? Would you advise her that it's better to fight all day and feel like crap all the time? Or would you tell her to leave and not look back? I'm not saying it's easy. It's never easy. But it's necessary. You know how to do it, Tasha. You CAN do it. Don't spend another moment of your precious life on this man.
Mimi0 -
I just received your pm andNoel said:My post was to Tasha, as I
My post was to Tasha, as I stated. I think you are not understanding my words. I don't care what people state on here. We are free to agree or disagree. But, you took my words to Tasha and then turned them into your own story, your past with abuse. And, I was in no way aware of your past abuse or speaking to that. I feel sometimes a response negatively, is best left out of the original thread and if necessary, send it to someone in a pm. This thread was about Tasha and now it is turning around to your past abuse and my response in not knowing that and somehow offending you. Like I said, it was to Tasha and only to her. I didn't realize it was open for criticism.
Noel
I just received your pm and sent you one back. I wasn't trying to turn this into something about me. Sorry. I won't let my personal experiences enter into any more of my posts.
I very seldom cry but I am. I am truly sorry that you felt I was attacking you. I didn't mean this to become an issue between us. Again, I am just so sorry.
Stef0 -
That was well said,mimivac said:Tasha,
Unfortunately we are not living in a movie where you would ditch this man, driving off into the sunset with a great soundtrack playing. I know it is not an easy thing when you have history with someone -- when that person has made you feel that you are not OK on your own. There is a lot to work through here. But, Tash, everything these women have said is right. You are too, too good to spend your life with someone that doesn't absolutely love and cherish you and think of your best interests. Love shouldn't be painful and difficult. It should be uplifting and easy (most of the time). If this were happening to a dear girlfriend of yours, what would you say? Would you tell her to stay in misery and a toxic environment? Would you advise her that it's better to fight all day and feel like crap all the time? Or would you tell her to leave and not look back? I'm not saying it's easy. It's never easy. But it's necessary. You know how to do it, Tasha. You CAN do it. Don't spend another moment of your precious life on this man.
Mimi
That was well said, Mimi.
Stef0 -
I am like Noel here, why isNoel said:I am confused. Why is he
I am confused. Why is he back? Is this the guy that said he was glad you had cancer? That
you deserved it? The guy that told you to get back to work on the last day of your radiation
treatment where you sat for 3 hours crying by yourself? This so called man has absolutely no
love or respect for you. If he did, he wouldn't treat you this way.
Tasha, what I am going to write now, please don't get angry with me, but, why are you with
him? Is it because you need the money? Or, do you somehow like the abuse? You find it
exciting or something? Are you afraid you will be alone and not get another man?
And, I do apologize for being so blunt, but, you come on here saying you want him out, then
you take him back, then you want him out, then you take him back. Do you see why I ask the
questions now? If you seriously wanted him out and hated the abuse, you would kick him out,
or, you would get out. Either or. There wouldn't be this teeter totter going on.
Good luck to you Tasha. I am sorry if I have hurt or angered you here. I didn't mean to. I
just say what I feel and what I have observed from your writings.
I am like Noel here, why is he back Tasha? Please, get him out of your life. You are too good for him and deserve so much better!
With love,
Kristin0 -
Thank you all...fauxma said:That was well said,
That was well said, Mimi.
Stef
You all made some very valid points and helped me put into words what I am thinking right now. Obviously this can't go on and there will never be a 'Right Time' just the sooner the better (I ain't getting any younger).
Im just confused with the enormity of it all at the moment, the total changes that have to be made etc.... I feel like a One Legged Man at an arse-kicking party!
He wanders in and out if and when he pleases, but at least he understands that we are though... Man he must be real thick!
Anyway, Noel, faux......Kiss and make-up. Daft sods! Love every one of you! Jxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx0 -
Let there be peace ...tasha_111 said:Thank you all...
You all made some very valid points and helped me put into words what I am thinking right now. Obviously this can't go on and there will never be a 'Right Time' just the sooner the better (I ain't getting any younger).
Im just confused with the enormity of it all at the moment, the total changes that have to be made etc.... I feel like a One Legged Man at an arse-kicking party!
He wanders in and out if and when he pleases, but at least he understands that we are though... Man he must be real thick!
Anyway, Noel, faux......Kiss and make-up. Daft sods! Love every one of you! Jxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I DO know this thread is about Tasha ... but please Noel and Stef ... please make peace.
I think I can see both sides of the discussion ... and you both have very valid points ... however ... this is a board for sharing our experiences ... and it's those experiences which help us to know and understand each other's journey. I just don't want anyone to be afraid to share anything ... at any time ... with all of us. I'm sure we will all understand that there are times when we just need to talk to our BC family. Something may trigger a thought or a memory and we should feel free to share ... since ... after all that's the goal of this site. To share and support each other.
I don't mean to "lecture" ... but I love this group ... each and every one of you ... and I could not make it on this journey without all of you. I think we all have enough stress in our lives ... so we shouldn't be stressing about what we post ... or get so concerned about hurting someone's feelings that we are totally afraid to post or comment. This is a place of sharing and caring ... and support ... and sharing experiences.
Please ... let there be peace.
hugs.
teena0 -
I don't have any problemstgf said:Let there be peace ...
I DO know this thread is about Tasha ... but please Noel and Stef ... please make peace.
I think I can see both sides of the discussion ... and you both have very valid points ... however ... this is a board for sharing our experiences ... and it's those experiences which help us to know and understand each other's journey. I just don't want anyone to be afraid to share anything ... at any time ... with all of us. I'm sure we will all understand that there are times when we just need to talk to our BC family. Something may trigger a thought or a memory and we should feel free to share ... since ... after all that's the goal of this site. To share and support each other.
I don't mean to "lecture" ... but I love this group ... each and every one of you ... and I could not make it on this journey without all of you. I think we all have enough stress in our lives ... so we shouldn't be stressing about what we post ... or get so concerned about hurting someone's feelings that we are totally afraid to post or comment. This is a place of sharing and caring ... and support ... and sharing experiences.
Please ... let there be peace.
hugs.
teena
I don't have any problems with Noel and I don't think she does with me. I think we talked it out and apologies where given all around. I respect and think that Noel is a vital asset to this board and she is always there with good advice and good support. My disagreement with a few statements in no way changes my view of her as a wonderful survivor and good person. I have told her I am sorry if my comments bothered or hurt her and I think that we are still cyberbuds and daft sods together. At least I hope so. I love all the members on here and don't wish to hurt, anger or upset anyone. It's over, it's done, we will move on.
And thank you to all the sweet peace makers. Families have disagreements. I think this is no different. Am I right, Noel? Are we still cyberbuds?
Stef0 -
Whew!!!!!!!!!!!fauxma said:I don't have any problems
I don't have any problems with Noel and I don't think she does with me. I think we talked it out and apologies where given all around. I respect and think that Noel is a vital asset to this board and she is always there with good advice and good support. My disagreement with a few statements in no way changes my view of her as a wonderful survivor and good person. I have told her I am sorry if my comments bothered or hurt her and I think that we are still cyberbuds and daft sods together. At least I hope so. I love all the members on here and don't wish to hurt, anger or upset anyone. It's over, it's done, we will move on.
And thank you to all the sweet peace makers. Families have disagreements. I think this is no different. Am I right, Noel? Are we still cyberbuds?
Stef
hugs to you all........I was just on the phone to my 'Special Friend" from the chatroom.........He popped in here earlier today just to check out what was going on with me and mine.........
You are all wonderful, and different, it works.......Hugs Jxxxxxxxxxx0 -
awwwww.....fauxma said:I don't have any problems
I don't have any problems with Noel and I don't think she does with me. I think we talked it out and apologies where given all around. I respect and think that Noel is a vital asset to this board and she is always there with good advice and good support. My disagreement with a few statements in no way changes my view of her as a wonderful survivor and good person. I have told her I am sorry if my comments bothered or hurt her and I think that we are still cyberbuds and daft sods together. At least I hope so. I love all the members on here and don't wish to hurt, anger or upset anyone. It's over, it's done, we will move on.
And thank you to all the sweet peace makers. Families have disagreements. I think this is no different. Am I right, Noel? Are we still cyberbuds?
Stef
Does this mean I don't have to hold my breath any longer? Whew....I was turning blue over here!! And believe me....blue is not my color. Really clashes with my new hair color. I prefer a golden tan to the skin tone, know what I mean? Don't make me hold my breath anymore!! Unless someone can prove it burns calories.......:) Pammy0
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